Dear Wendy: Anniversary Let-Down And Dropping The L Bomb
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
1:00PM, Wednesday September 23rd 2009
My boyfriend Curtis and I have been going out for six months now. Just last Tuesday we celebrated our six month anniversary. So I asked a friend what I should get him. This is my first real relationship ever lasting 6 months. She said get him a card, so I found one that pretty much described how I feel about him. But he didn’t get me a card or anything. We went out to dinner at a pizza restaurant, and when we were leaving he asked “Do you have tip money”? Am I going crazy? Cause this sounds wrong to me. So we get in the car to leave and he’s like “What’s wrong”? He doesn’t know!!! Could he be this dense, seriously? I said, “I took the time to find a card on how I feel about you, and you don’t get me anything.” You know what his reply was to that?! He said: “I said ‘Happy Anniversary’! He just “didn’t realize,” he says. I was so angry. I need to know If I was over-reacting or not. I just felt I needed a card at least. Please tell me what you think. —Cardless
Yes, you were over-reacting. By definition, an “anniversary” is a day that happens annually marking an event that happened on that date in some previous year, so technically, six months doesn’t even make an anniversary. I get that it was a milestone for you, but expecting your boyfriend to “get you something” simply because you spent five minutes and all of, what, $2.95, on someone else’s words to perfectly express your sentiments for him is kinda lame. Gifts and cards aren’t the only way — or even the best way — to express feelings for someone. If that’s how you measure your value to your boyfriend, you’re in trouble. If, instead, you measure your value to him by the way he treats you, the role you play in his life, the time he makes for you, and the sweet little things he says and does when it’s not “expected” of him, then you don’t need a silly card from Hallmark to know how he feels.
I am 24 and have been dating my man, let’s call him “Ryan”, for 9 months. We recently moved in together. I am writing because neither one of us has said the big L Word yet. I’ve read on here a pretty compelling argument about how the female should never be the first to say ‘I love you,’ and I agree totally. Its very obvious that we love each other very much. Living together has gone swimmingly without a single hitch. He treats me like a goddess, he cares about my dog like his own, and he knows whats not worth arguing about. The man drives a hybrid and recycles to boot. He appreciates my admitted bossiness and control freak tendencies and tries to take it as valuable advice (which makes him a saint). He shows me with every action that he loves me. He values the time we spend together. We are both in a place in our lives where we are ready to settle down, and we have talked about getting marriage as if it’s inevitable. With our relationship going so well, the fact that neither has said it is getting pretty ridiculous. Should I give in and verbalize my feelings or play by the rules and let him come clean first? Whats a girl to do? —In Love
I think he’s already come clean! Maybe he hasn’t verbalized it yet, but he’s “told” you he loves you in all the ways he cares for you (and your dog!). Maybe he doesn’t realize saying the L word is a big deal, perhaps he’s afraid saying it aloud will somehow “break the spell” you’re under. But if it’s something you’d like to hear from him, it certainly doesn’t sound to me from the description of your relationship that you’d be scaring him off if you said it first. However, if you’d prefer he said it first, why not say to him, “It’s obvious how you feel about me and I appreciate all the sweet ways you show you care, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be especially nice to hear the words, too.” Sometimes people need a little nudge.
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skywalk
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]
#1 letter - seriously WTF…
#2 I agree he’s obviously shown you he loves you so either, say it first, bring it up as smoothly as possibley or put up. He’ll say it, men have a harder time with that and/or they are just afraid to say but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen.
Oh Kathryn!
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 12:18 pm: [report]
1- This is exactly why you’ve never had a relationship last over six months.
n75nva
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]
#1 letter - agreed WTF?! you’ve been together for 6 months and he’s a man! And about him asking you to leave the tip money - when you’re in a real relationship, you share expenses.
#2 letter - why not say it first? He obviously loves you. what are you afraid of, that you’re going to scare him away? You live together! You talk about marriage! If that hasn’t scared him away - the L-word won’t either.
Riley
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 12:30 pm: [report]
Both questions were kind of silly. #1 is ridiculous and #2 should realize words never mean as much as actions.
Mainer
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 12:31 pm: [report]
can someone explain the logic behind the idea that the guy needs to say the L word first? I’m trying to put myself in a woman’s shoes to comprehend this line or reasoning but nothing is coming up.
skywalk
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
@Mainer: You got me I’ve never heard that before and I would have no problem telling a man I love them if I did!
I Go To 11
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 12:37 pm: [report]
#1: What is this, high school? Only 15-year-olds would freak out over stuff like that. In the adult world, there’s no reason for it.
#2: I agree with Wendy’s advice. Based on the descriptions, it does sound like he’s showing he loves you without actually saying it. Sounds like you’ve found yourself a keeper!
Goldfinch86
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 12:39 pm: [report]
Dear person in letter one, I just had my 3 year anniversary with my boyfriend, I did not expect anything of him, I didn’t even expect for him to pay the bill, which he did of his own accord saying he wanted to take care of me. Relationships are 50/50 and I’m sorry, a REAL lady pays her half or at least does the tip. Also it was only a fake anniversary made by you to feel better about the fact that a relationship finally made it past 6 months, that is sad, and petty and silly.
Mainer, for many men a woman saying the L word first means she is crazy and too into you or needy. But after 9 months there is no reason for this fear as it’s obviously love and you should be comfortable enough that the person will say honestly back to you “I love you too”. For many there is a stigma that women no matter what say the L word and it’s forcing herself on the man or taking things too quickly too soon, so for many it’s a terrible word from Satan, but I think after this long, if he doesn’t say it he’s not the one.
esmee
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 12:48 pm: [report]
I really really don’t agree with any broad rule that says that women need to wait for men to do anything. How ridiculous.
You want to hear I love you, say it. If you’re afraid to say it to someone perhaps you should rethink why you’re in a relationship with them…
Lynn
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 01:01 pm: [report]
Wendy - spot on advice!
majicksand
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 01:13 pm: [report]
1. I have no idea what my “dating” anniversary was with my husband. I haven’t kept track of anything like that since highschool. At this point in my life, mid-April is close enough. Wedding anniversary? That’s completely different. I would even go for “commitment” anniversary for couples who have made a similar commitment without getting legally married for whatever reason.
2. If you feel it, say it. Those “rules” are intended for the clingy and insecure who fall in love every five minutes.
ootie
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 01:22 pm: [report]
I don’t know what the compelling argument that the guy should say it first is, but whatever it is, I don’t think it still applies in a situation when you have been together for 9 months and are clearly in love. If everything in your relationship is perfect except for the fact that you don’t say “I love you” to each other, you should definitely say it to him. That could solve this problem in about 3 seconds.
fleurdelis
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 01:34 pm: [report]
“measure your value to him by the way he treats you, the role you play in his life” - wouldn’t that be something like asking her what she usually does about anniversaries/how long she considers time worth marking/at least saying wow! it’s been 6 months, did you notice? I disagree, she is not overreacting. If he’s really that into her he’s going to notice all these cute little things too!
Joey Daytona
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 01:37 pm: [report]
#1 - 6 mos. ‘anniversary’ gift = studded dog collar?
skywalk
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]
@fleurdelis: What just because a guy doesn’t know its your 6 mos anniversary he’s not that into you. My husband is so into me, he makes other women cry (he just did that the other day) or makes some of our friends sick. But we were just talking about our 11 year anniversary and he was like when is that? Give me a break, I only remember because it was two days after Valentines and I forgot his B-day the first year we were together. He was a little upset about that. Whoops. Over Reaction All The Way!!!! Don’t sweat the small stuff!
Chebs
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
I agree with most of the comments here, Cardless has shown exactly why she’s never had a relationship get to 6 months before. If too much time hasn’t passed, she should consider apologizing for her overreaction. Although, tbh, if I were her guy, I’d make up one stupid anniversary and see if she remembers - “What?! You mean you don’t remember that it’s been 6 weeks since I saw you naked in the shower shaving your legs?” - because it’s virtually the same thing.
As for In Love, I think Wendy’s advice was dead on, although my concern is that she was willing to move in with a guy, take on the responsibility of shared bills, chores, etc, but wouldn’t say ‘I love you’? Something seems a little bass ackwards about this if you ask me. But yay for In Love finding a great guy!
Queen Frostine
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 02:41 pm: [report]
1. Monthiversaries are stupid.
2. You could always drop it into day to day life in a way that will make it less formal if you feel it might freak him out. When he does something wonderful and completely thoughtful, you can say “Thanks, babe, that’s why I love ya!”, give him a smooch and continue going about your business. That way it’s not a “formal proclamation” with any stigma attached to it. He’ll eventually get used to you dropping it into phrases every now and again, and maybe reciprocate it back.
effing hickster
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 03:34 pm: [report]
I lurrrrve you.
vaiaster
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 03:40 pm: [report]
I think six months is the perfect time to celebrate an anniversary. Something that happens to fall “annually” has nothing to do with it. My now-husband and I celebrated our three, six and 12 month anni’s. And for “Cardless” to expect something in return from her apparent boyfriend, who can’t even man-up and purchase a rose or any type of sentimental gift, is nothing short of “normal” for most woman.
You go girl! And keep expecting!!
ootie
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 03:47 pm: [report]
I wouldn’t hold it against him (from the 1st letter) too much, because most people don’t think 6 month anniversaries are that important, and he probably didn’t realize that it was a big deal to her. At the same time, if 6-month anniversaries are really important to her, she has a right to tell him that she would like a little bit more of a celebration in the future.
I guess I just mean that since is it a big deal to her, she has a right to be disappointed and indicate that in the future, but not to be mad at him in any way.
mokti
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 03:48 pm: [report]
Vaia, are you a troll? Or do you seriously believe that tripe?
Which sampling of humanity do you pull your “normal” women from? Or “normal” men, for that matter…
LunaLena
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 03:55 pm: [report]
I think the “compelling argument” that a woman shouldn’t say “I love you” first is referring to a past Frisky article:
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-why-a-woman-shouldnt-say-i-love-you-first/
I only remember this because it was one of the first articles I read here.
(if the link doesn’t show up correctly, do a search for “Why a Woman Shouldn’t Say I Love You First”)
lea322
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 03:59 pm: [report]
@vaister: Unfortunately, the word anniversary MEANS the YEARLY acknowledgment of something. If you like to celebrate the smaller milestones, that’s perfectly fine. But they are not anniversaries.
If Cardless wants to celebrate “monthaversaries”, that’s fine too, but she needs to express that to her boyfriend. If he didn’t realize that she wanted something more than a pizza dinner, that’s not his fault. People aren’t mind-readers. If he KNEW she wanted more of a celebration, that’s a different story…
mokti
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 04:15 pm: [report]
I have a feeling Cardless would’ve mentioned it….
lea322
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 04:22 pm: [report]
@motki: I’m not so sure. Many ladies are stuck in a “rom-com” fantasy land, where they believe all men spend their evenings planning out romantic gestures. Romance happens, just usually not in the “I have to race to get to her train before she leaves me forever!” kind of way.
mokti
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 04:28 pm: [report]
No, no… what I meant is that I’m fairly sure Cardless would’ve put in her letter if he KNEW she wanted a gesture. Judging by the tone of her letter, it seems like the sort of thing she would’ve emphasized in outrage.
lea322
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 04:33 pm: [report]
@mokti: Ahh…yes, agreed.
Typewriter
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 05:43 pm: [report]
My boyfriend and I took such a strange route in getting together that we honestly don’t even know how long we’ve been going out or when to celebrate our anniversary. I like it better that way. I don’t expect him to treat me nicer on any one day of the year over the others. People ask us how long we’ve been together and we just smirk and say “a while.” We get random gifts for one-another when we feel like it (“Hey hun, I got those jalapeno Doritos you love” or “I really thought this sweater would look cute on you and it was on sale.”)
There’s too much pressure on couples (and unfortunately, I think mostly on boyfriends) to ACT like couples. Isn’t it enough to just be happily in love and behave as you both see fit?
Oh, and for the record, I was the one who said “I love you” first and he happily followed. Must’ve missed that chapter in the rule book, too!
Mainer
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 06:33 pm: [report]
@ LunaLena - thanks for that link, helps me understand the position a little better.
Nothing against Wendy, she’s a great writer and I dig some of her columns, but she has NO CLUE what she’s talking about in that article. Just another example of a female thinking she understands how men work. Her main argument was that men take longer to get to the “I Love You” state of mind than women do. Not true. Men, believe it or not, are actually pretty soft hearts. We fall just as fast as you girls do. Where we lack in keeping pace with you all is with the EXPRESSION of said feelings. We’ll fall for you at the same time if not sooner than you fall for us, but it just takes us longer to express it. So if you love a guy, and you’re worried that by you saying “I Love You” too soon is going to drive him away, you are wrong because chances are he’ll say it right back. He is just worried about doing the same thing you are - freaking you out with a pre-mature declaration of love. Women, I think we can all agree, are much better at expressing their emotions than men. But don’t mistake that for men not having emotions - we do. We just aren’t as good at expressing them. So please, don’t take the advice given in that article.
Buggie
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 09:42 pm: [report]
#2 could just do what my husband did, super early into our relationship… He asked me “do you ever think about love, and you and me” which scared the #&@$% out of me! We both laughed, I said I thought about it but wasn’t ready to say it yet. A few weeks later we said it and everything was fine.
I’m of the opinion that most relationship problems can be solved by communication. Just talk about it.
nikkialli
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 10:47 pm: [report]
uberkin—what?!
draymond
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 11:34 pm: [report]
Guys are just not into anniversaries, and particularly obscure and nonstandard ones. If beforehand it had been noted that this date marked your six month anniversary then maybe expecting a card or a flower from him would have been reasonable.
If you really want a relationship to last longer that six months then rule one must be “Guys are not mind readers. If you are expecting anything from them then tell them what you are expecting from them.” And that goes for in bed too!
Mainer
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 05:07 am: [report]
@ uberkin: ......... huh? That was a little harsh. Not really the direction I was going in, but thanks for sugar coating your feelings as to not offend anyone. I was just trying to make a point that having feelings and expressing feelings are two different things.
BlueVibe
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 09:13 am: [report]
What, is that first person 13?? I didn’t even know when my boyfriend’s and my anniversary was: He had to go back through old emails and figure it out. Turns out it was way longer ago than we thought, so if either of us had been expecting a 6-month anything, we’d have been seriously disappointed. Lady, if you freak over something that trivial, you’re never going to have a long-term relationship at all.
So, what is this compelling argument that guys need to say the L-word first? Because it’s totally news to me. And it sounds totally bogus. I mean, I’m sure my BF will say it first because that’s the kind of personality he is, and I am not, but I don’t have some kind of weird reasoning behind that. Besides, it sounds like he does love her, so what’s the issue?
I swear stupid, nitpicky, so-called rules like this must be one of the biggest reasons relationships fail.
GreenAura
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 10:02 am: [report]
@vaiaster: I am curious as to how long you have been with your now-husband? I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 8. If we celebrated every 3 months we have been together, plus Valentines Day, Christmas and each others birthdays, then that means we would be getting each other a “small gift” approx. 8 times per year. That would equal about 160 gifts total (80 a piece) over the 10 years that we have been together. Whatever works for you is great, but I would rather save that money up and DO something truly meaningful together. You can’t buy love, afterall.
DancingGeek
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 07:30 pm: [report]
AWWW it’s our six-weekyversary- UGH its so junior high.
I think the guy in letter 2 has done shown her he loves har and actions speak volumes!
nunque
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 02:35 pm: [report]
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
According my Ye Olde Book of Evolutionary Etiquette: Men request physical commitment and women respond to this. Women request emotional commitment and men respond to the offer. Emotional commitment is as big a deal to (most) men as physical commitment is to (most) women. Both parties run the risk of pushing the other party to commit before the other party is ready.
Step up, girl.
alpikann
wrote on September 27 2009 @ 09:23 am: [report]
#1 i personally don’t really get anniversaries. do you count from a first date, from when you become exclusive? i don’t particularly care even yearly. that’s what they make valentine’s for right? by the way, yes i am a girl. most likely he didn’t realize it was important to you, next time make it clear that it is.
#2 i was in a similar situation with my ex. we lived together we had a dog and a cat together but we’d never said i love you. one day i was leaving early for work and he was working late, when i got up i wrote him a letter saying something along the lines that i had realized that we had never verbally expressed what we mean to each other. i listed the ways that i feel cared for by him, the things he does etc. i said that i didn’t need him to say anything but if he was ready to say it, then i was ready to hear it.
i felt that was nonconfrontational, i left it to him whether to continue the conversation, i didn’t mention the letter when he got home because i was confident i was loved and some people including me are leery of making that verbal commitment. i had to wait hours until we were getting ready for bed and he was like “i love you” while i was brushing my teeth so i couldn’t say it back right away. i’ve never said that to anyone else and we aren’t together anymore but i’ve never regretted the way i handled that situation.