Dealbreaker: The Sexless Guy

becktasm
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 09:13 am: [report]

I totally feel you on this. My guy has been really stressed with work and school lately and his libido has been completely non-existent, and it’s KILLING me. Not just because I’m lusty, but because it’s exactly like you said- I can’t help but take it personally. When a guy doesn’t want to have sex with you, it’s hard to not just assume that it’s because he doesn’t find you attractive. I’ve gone to the gym every day for the past two weeks because I irrationally think my 3 pound period bloat is what’s driven him off. So I guess it’s worked out in my favor in that respect? My ass looks great, I just haven’t had anyone slap it in a while.

I hate boys.

BeTheBuilding
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 09:23 am: [report]

Thank you for this Article. I have also dated a “Sexless guy”, and it’s wonderful to read that I have not been the only one to go through those same emotions.

subpar
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 10:25 am: [report]

I had an almost one night stand like this. The guy and I met at a party, hit it off, and he invited me back to his place. We were rounding bases—oral did not happen—but to my surprise, when I was ready to really get down, he ceased everything and informed me he had a girlfriend.

First, I didn’t believe him. I kind of wondered why he would bother hooking up with me all night if he wasn’t planning on going all the way, why he invited me to his apartment, why he had a concious all of a sudden, etc. The thought that he was gay crossed my mind breifly. Turns out, he really did have a girlfriend. Maybe everything was game for him except for sex, who knows. But for the period of time I wasn’t sure about him being in a relationship, I was totally baffled.

Anonuk
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]

“you’re not pretty/sexy/fun/cool/hot/exciting enough to f**k.” 

I’ve been living with this feeling for years, and when you are a housewife a good f**k is pretty much the only thing that gets your through a day of boring housework.  Some flirty texts would be nice (I do try but he ignores them or I get “ok” if I’m lucky), just to know someone has the intention when not actually with me.  I’ve even bought those boardgames.  Flirting with me is superficial apparently and he never has fantasies.
Problem was I was very young when we got together, didn’t really know myself yet.  Especially didn’t know what I wanted sexually yet.  This is not it at all.
As becktasm says up there not had my arse slapped ever, despite many requests.  I am so down I have to live with this forever.  I’m just a frump now.

sparklestar
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 11:23 am: [report]

You took the words right out of my mouth! I have had several discussions with my boyfriend about our sex life and how he needs to initiate more and it just doesn’t seem to happen. Now that I am working full time too I understand but eh… it’s frustrating.

Over Christmas we were both off work and we were at it every day and it was GREAT so it is just down to work pressures! He has issues around not being able to satisfy me (his issue, not mine) and I think that prevents him from starting anything too.

It’s frustrating and I try not to link it to my sexual attractiveness. He does slap my ass on a regular basis and grope me up when I’m trying to cook. Sigh~ It would be nice if he followed through on those promises!!

retro chic
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 12:23 pm: [report]

Aw…I’m sorry, Anonuk. Hope he wises up. And trust me, even suffering doesn’t last forever. Have either mentioned prof advice? Until then, declaring things as you have (here/universe) will get the ball rolling in some way.
——-
Personally I haven’t experienced the “pod-guy” types… But the nonInitiators, otoh… that has me flaming. It completely messed me up when a parTICular former BF seemed to take on an overall traditional female role in/out of the BR. Was great once I got things started, but who wants to always light a match under someone’s as$ ?... “to the Moon, A****e!”

tabby
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 01:01 pm: [report]

Thank you for writing this and thank you everyone else for commenting. This is currently the situation with my live in boyfriend and it is driving me crazy. I know he is stressed, but so is everyone else including me. A little sex would go a long way in making both of us less stressed, but I am sick of always initiating it. At least I am not alone. That’s something, right?

TheButterflyTemptress
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 01:01 pm: [report]

I am married to the guy you wrote about. I think being married to one is worse than dating one. Before, I used to like myself. I was able to see myself as desirable and attractive with a lot to offer. After being with him for almost five years, my self-esteem is at an all-time low and my attitudes about sex, nudity, etc. are terrible. I hope and pray that it will change but really, I know better.

Thanks for writing about this, Rachel. It helps to know that I am not alone.

misspixie
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 01:14 pm: [report]

This is just like me and my ex - he let our mutual friends think I was some kind of nympho (I am not, I am pretty normal all things considered - altho it’s been a while, so maybe I would turn into a nympho if I actually had the opportunity to get any - but that is another story!) I found being turned down by your boyfriend when you want some to be seeeriously depressing. For me, sex is a vital part of a relationship. I need to find a boy who can meet me on this one, I think   xxx

writergirl
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]

You all are dating my ex, aren’t you?

My self esteem was never as low as when I was with him.

My husband used to be into sex….now he’s not.  It doesn’t help that we are opposites—he loves it in the morning, I hate it in the morning.  He’s too tired at night and I am revin’ to go!  Add the stress of his company, his job and the current financial crisis the country is in and…..things fizzle, not sizzle.

My self esteem last week was taking a beating until I finally talked to him about it and he told me it wasn’t me it was all of the aforementioned issues.  So I feel a little better.

And I am climbing the walls.

Yellow
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 01:31 pm: [report]

I too have dated this man. I’m so glad we broke up.

ExGirlfriend
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 02:05 pm: [report]

I’ve been dating this guy for the past 7 years… It’s so awful it makes me want to cry.

MsLiberal
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 04:10 pm: [report]

I dated a guy for 2 and a half years, practically lived with him, and he turned me down for sex all the time.  ALL THE TIME.  Pretty frustrating.  He used to get pissed when I’d entertain myself too.

Sometimes I wonder if he might end up coming out of the closet…

Chelle
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 05:19 pm: [report]

I’ve had this problem with a couple exes. It was because both of them were lazy. Also, one (my kid’s dad) wasn’t in love with me anymore so that was part of it. The other one was sort of feminine. He was more interested in the emotional, not physical, part of the relationship. We actually worked through that issue (too bad there were other issues). I was honest and told him how rejection made me feel. He assured me I wasn’t unattractive but I told him if we didn’t have sex when I wanted to, it wasn’t gonna work. I know that sounds a bit selfish but I don’t tolerate rejection. If a guy doesn’t wanna sleep with me all the time, it’s just not good enough for me.

cbloon
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 07:01 pm: [report]

I could’ve written that article. I feel for all you ladies, but it’s comforting to know I’m not alone.  I’m ending it with my guy—I can’t live without the passion. But it breaks my heart because he’s truly one of the nicest, most decent, thoughtful men I’ve ever met.  But dammit, I need someone who wants to rip my clothes off when he sees me, at least once in a while.  Often is better.  Never is unacceptable….

fallenangel915
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 07:35 pm: [report]

I’ve been there, but never again! I love sex, I love to feel desired/wanted/needed/#&@$%, what-have-you…and self-love can only go so far. I understand that men go through their phases of being stressed out or otherwise not horny, but to have this going on for months or even years? Call me shallow, but F*U*C*K that. Pun intended.

Sofjna
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 08:32 pm: [report]

I agree with retro chic about always having to be the one to initiate things.  That’s how it was with my ex; it got to the point where it wasn’t worth the effort.  Since I’ve been single for a while and haven’t even kissed a guy since about July, I don’t think one will be safe with me if I get him alone.  No sex is not an option.  And we’ve got a couple of new cute ones at work!

theoldman
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 09:43 pm: [report]

First a comment form the other side of the hill.  Sex is part of a guy’s ego. If something trashes his ego (job, bad grades, medications,family issues, things wholy unrelated to you) every one around him pays the price. And it doesn’t just have to be his ego.  As my monker indicates I am old enough (but not 60, YET) to be the father of most every one here. I have baggage (PTSD) from sunny SE Asia that, between it and the meds, my life can be a total disaster.  So to FA915 I can tell you it can go on for tens of years and you(the woman) are not at fault.  The other thing to note is most all men internalise issues stressing them. There is cultural pressure to not show the stress which compounds the issue.  Then add the reluctance of men to get help (cultural stigma) and we just pile it higher and deeper.  Sparklestar the next time your other slaps your ass put dinner aside and haul him off to the bedroom or do it there in the kitchen if there are no children around.  Show him he is more important to you than dinner make him feel he is valuable to you. Work yes, but as Lynn Anderson used to sing “I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden”.  Any relationship worth a damn is more than you spreading your legs or shaking your booty and him getting it up. Feeling pity for yourself isn’t going to improve things.

The other thing is why I am reading this post, men are never worth a damn at reading women’s minds. Like a mule, most of us have to be hit between the eyes with a 2x4 to get a message through clearly.  I have found a woman who is a really wonderful person and I would jump her bones in a minute if I were sure it would not screw things up. I haven’t figured out where her boundaries are or how to tactfully learn. So you could possibly put me in the category described above.

retro chic
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 10:56 pm: [report]

OldOne: You’ve got baggage—she’s got baggage (everyone does). Find out if hers coordinates, not matches or clashes, with yours. Her boundaries will be revealed then. If it’s a go, pack lightly, leave the rest “at home.”

40yrolddad
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 04:46 am: [report]

another male perspective:

we are certainly not the only ones guilty of this.  I’m in a bit of a conundrum in that mine is on SSRIs - she can’t be lived w/without them but she doesn’t want to on them…  I don’t believe in cheating (never have, can’t imagine doing it) but something’s got to give yet I would feel like a selfish prick (pardon pun) if I put the kids through that (or worse) over my “needs”.  I guess I’ve never made an open-ended request for advice but this seems like a pretty good occasion if anyone has any…

I think that’s why I like this site so much - it let’s me remember what it was like to be young and normal {sigh}...

CuteCora
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 06:15 am: [report]

CRAP! I know this may sound uwful, However I would actually like to find a man who is only SOMETIMES SEXLESS… My husband is a Trooper, no matter what he is ALWAYS ready to go, and I have to say any other man I have dated has always been the same way! So in some ways I need the balance of ” OUTA MY FACE FOR AWHILE” sorta thing. I know that a Sexless guy may not be much fun, but hey on those nights that you are just not in the mood, the sexless guy comes in handy.. ( or not handy lol) My husband like alot of men thin SEX is the cure for eveything.. including a common cold when you feel like poop and well there he is STILL ready to go!

CuteCora
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 06:23 am: [report]

On Another Note: I think as women we have always been taught and told that MEN are HORNDOGS and want sex all the time anytime and sometimes with anyone! I think that this is why when we find a guy who is not like that we assume that there is a problem with us! So ladies need not fear ... The only time you should be worried with the Sexless guy is if YOU are always the one to bring it on, or if the sex is always quick, no passion or lust and it SUCKS! Then maybe LOSE THE DUDE!!

wiserwoman
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 07:03 am: [report]

Please listen to me…I am 53 and divorced from a sexless marriage. This behavior plays so many head games with you it’s not funny.  I never had children b/c of it.  If the sex is wrong, GET OUT.  Period.  No discussion.  He’s not right for you no matter what else is good.  Please believe me.  MOVE ON.  Don’t sweet it under the rug, don’t rationalize it, don’t make excuses for him or you, and don’t think you can change him.  Wonder what’s wrong with YOU for staying with a guy that doesn’t want you rather than what’s wrong with him.  You’re the issue so deal with that and GET OUT.

max_cady
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 07:08 am: [report]

Great topic of discussion. My ex-girlfriend had quite a sexual appetite. We (both in our late 30’s) agreed we turned each other on like no one else can. Then, we broke up on good terms and she ended up with what you call a “sexless guy”. Still good friends, she and I discussed the problem. After giving it some thought, I reminded her that the reason I broke up with her was because she was so focused on her looks, her weight, how people perceived her and most importantly, how much she was sexually satisfied. Then, when I was grieving the loss of a parent, (and temporarily “sexless”) she ultimately was not there emotionally, physically or spiritually. I just needed a friend. Yet, she had no capacity for emotional intelligence. Now five years later, she’s calling me about her boyfriend who’s suffering from diabetes yet she’s asking “what’s wrong with me? Am I sexy? Why doesn’t he want to have sex with me?” Then she asked if she gave the best head in town? I told her its been a while. Then she went down on me. Told her she was out of practice. But more importantly, she should try some compassion instead of giving head. Go back to your boyfriend and help him with his illness. I hope I helped her.

bittermelon
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 07:24 am: [report]

I’m so glad to see so many other woman lamenting this issue, b/c among my friends I am the only one with this problem and it made me feel like some sort of nympho freak. My girl friends all look at me like I’m nuts, or they look at me with pity. I end up sitting around with my guy friends complaining about it.

My husband will take part, but only if I initiate, which I guess is a better situation than some. It’s become a running joke with us, but he also knows I’m serious. He even writes “#&@$% wife” on his sticky note To Do lists, but never gets around to crossing it off.

We used to have a rocking sex life. I’ve even bought us porn, sex toys and books to try to get him worked but he’s never shown any interest in any of them. So I bought myself a rabbit.

Yep, I definitely feel very rejected. He’s a great husband in most every other way so I’m not going to ditch him. Yet.

40yrolddad
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 07:49 am: [report]

wiser:  so does that work in both directions?  because while there are plenty of social double-standards that are unfairly tilted against women leaving someone over sex (or lack thereof) is definitely NOT among them - we get vilified for it but y’all more or less get a pass (maybe frowned on by some but generally tolerated).  I don’t WANT it to come to that but I can’t definitively say it isn’t the least bad option either…

kristy1584
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 08:10 am: [report]

I know the feeling!! My BF LOVES sex and for the past 18 months or so we’ve had sex ALL the time but within the past month or so, its not as often. He lives an hr and a half away from me so we only get together on the weekends and when we dont have sex at least 4 times in a weekend I automatically feel like Im not good enough or Im doing something wrong etc. But what can I do? Its not that he’s rejecting me bc he’s not, when I initiate he does it but Id like for him to initiate it more.

Fast Eddie
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 08:16 am: [report]

I ran into so many, many women that only wanted companionship or some one to pay for dinner and then one who acted like she wanted a relationship, but very seldom wanted to have sex.  Then when I told her that we couldn’t go on, she got all crying and I felt like a heel.  As the years roll by I wonder what the hell was going on in her head and glad it didn’t continue to be my problem.

slip
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 08:21 am: [report]

I’ve been with sexless women. Never again. EVER. Life is too short for that.

DeeDee
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 09:25 am: [report]

HOLY CRAP!  I am not alone. Whew… thank you, thank you everyone!.  My life is so empty.  Yes, i have the security, but you know what??? ITS NOT ENOUGH.  I have been married for so long, dated him long before we married, and never in a million years thought my life would turn out like this.  It wasnt the best sex life, but I was young and you know how that goes. I just CANT live without passion, intimacy, romance. I know its out there.  Its not a “cinderella” thought.  He is a great roommate, but PLEASE at this point in my life, i have had enough.  I truly think this chapter is coming to a close. I certainly do not want a boyfriend, i am not into instant gratification.  I need to have good karma.  I think the only way that will happen is if i leave.  I would rather be single and lonely then married and lonely…. Thanks for letting me vent.

retro chic
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 09:57 am: [report]

Amen to that, wiserwoman.
And, Max, I have ID’d with that one exactly (but opp), down to lack of empathy after loss of parent. Those are narcissists and can’t empathize, truly love or be a friend unless there is something in it for them. She just nicked the paint on your car, thank god. Glad you threw her back before any real damage.

Anonuk
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 10:10 am: [report]

Thanks Retrochick and Gabby1.  We can’t afford professional help, and I doubt he’ll go.  As when I bring this up (been together 10 years) he laughs at me and denies it all!  He says I’m the one who doesn’t want it.  But I’ve been beyond blatant with him.  But why should I have to be?  What really bugs me is he flirts with every woman but me!  I think he sees me as mother of his children rather than a woman.  By the time I can leave him I’ll be old and haggard.
I just want to be teased, mentally f**ked and passion (which despite the years together if he did what I suggest we could be like that) not just the very occasional shag I get now.

almost50
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 02:55 pm: [report]

So, you’re sexually incompatible. You carry a lot of baggage into bed that he may or may not even know about. I’ve known a lot of women who place a similar importance on gifts.  They feel rejected if they don’t like the gift, immediately assuming that the guy was being insensitive or insulting.  So, ask yourself: Do you think that by not showing interest in sex when you want it he is taking “all the fears I have about my attractiveness and boiling them into one pointed barb: you’re not pretty/sexy/fun/cool/hot/exciting enough to f**k.”?  If so, that should tell you something.  If not, that should tell you something, too. 

But I think the most important question is: Does this particular guy mean anything to you, or is he just a way for you feel better about your fears?  If the latter, perhaps you ought to find some other guy who looks at sex the way you do. Why would you stay involved with someone whose values and priorities are so incompatible?

Orion67
wrote on March 18 2009 @ 08:29 am: [report]

I am a 41 year old man that is married to the love of his life and is still head over heals for her after 20 years.  Unfortunately, I fall into the category of sexless guy.  My “sexlessness” is due in large part to the use of an anti-depressant for the control of depression, stress and other factors.  I have learned how ambivalent it can make you towards sex; it drains the libido.  Unfortunately, I have discussed the side effect with my doctor and we have tried other medications that produce the same problem.  I am also seeing a therapist to help with the issues and work toward moving away from the medication to free myself (and my wife) from the problem.

I can tell you from personal experience that finding fault with yourself is not the place to start; I have seen this first hand with my wife.  We decided to sit down with each other and discuss the problem and how it affected our relationship.  It isn’t a new concept; communication and mutual respect for each other is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.  Before I sound like I am getting on my soapbox, I cannot pretend to know everyone’s issue with this problem; I can only speak for myself. 

The first part of our conversation was to differentiate between sex and love.  So many of the issues we faced were centered on a false understanding that the two are one and the same.  At first she felt I did not find her attractive (which was totally not the case).  She disclosed to me that she even had fleeting thoughts of infidelity on my part which I assured her was the farthest thing from the truth.  As a result of our discussion, I tell my wife how much I love her and express my affection for her every day.  I also let her know how beautiful I think she is.

My advice, if any, on this topic is that you are beautiful, intelligent women and you need to do what is right for yourself and your situation.  There is not one magic answer to the problem but several paths based on your circumstances.  If you are single, not in a committed relationship and just looking for sex and your needs are not fulfilled, then you can move on to another partner more suited for your desire. 

If you are in a committed relationship or married, then the solution becomes a little more difficult.  The first thing I would suggest is to open a dialog with your partner.  If the problem is not medical as I mentioned above, delve into the problem from an emotional level.  For some people it can be uncomfortable, but it really shouldn’t be.  A relationship should be more than just banging each other or merely existing together.  You should be able to discuss your feelings and important issues with your partner because they are important to you.  Unhappiness with your sex life (or lack thereof) could be rooted in a deeper issue.  You might find that once the issues and feelings are out on the table, they can be examined and resolved.  Once issues are resolved a lot of the stress can dissipate.  Connect emotionally and you may connect physically.

My opinion – for what it’s worth.

retro chic
wrote on March 18 2009 @ 09:13 am: [report]

^ I think what’s being said is that there isn’t much true communication, even after pleading for it. Imo, no one has any business being in a relationship, or even a bed, if they are over 21 and have command of their chosen language, and can’t/won’t communicate in such a basic, essential way, instead of siphoning off what they can from each other in isolation.

vanya
wrote on March 18 2009 @ 09:35 am: [report]

I’m surprised Nemesis hasn’t weighed in on this article. He had a lot to say when the article was women who don’t desire sex.

Annika Harris
wrote on March 18 2009 @ 01:02 pm: [report]

Thanks Rachel. I too dated a guy who lost his drive because he was depressed. And after awhile, I just stopped trying because I didn’t want to feel rejected or embarrass him when his equipment didn’t work. It got to a point where I would just let him initiate if that was how he was feeling.

Leilani33
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]

Oh thank heavens, I thought it was just me! My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3 1/2, and we almost never have sex. It’s been a loooong time, and the last time (as well as the last hundred before that) were initiated by me. He is the best, kindest, most wonderful man I know and he will make a great father, so I don’t want to give him up. Buuuut, I am far from a nympho and I can’t stand not having sex! He tells me how beautiful I am all the time, but I don’t feel wanted (sexually) ever. He barely even glances at me if I’m nude when getting changed or something. I’ve never been a cheater and don’t really want to, I do love him. But there are attractive men in my life who are interested in me, that DO make me feel wanted. That makes me feel like maybe I should stay married but turn somewhere else for sex. Then of course, I feel like the most awful person ever, which just adds in to my crappy self-esteem and continues a huge cycle!

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 03:51 pm: [report]

@Leilani33 Is he gay?

Leilani33
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 06:25 pm: [report]

No, he’s definitely not into guys but he tends more toward the SNAG (sensitive new-age guy) spectrum, lol.

retro chic
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 07:56 pm: [report]

^ Leilani33, you sure? Maybe he’s bi and is still “in” with that too.  He should at least have visible wood, sexy comments/touching with follow-thru at least occasionally. :(

For me, lovely words only go so far… in fact lovely words without any action would mess me up. It’s a walk-the-talk thing, and my man’s feet have to be goin’ in the same direction as his mouth.

Gingee
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 10:09 pm: [report]

Why oh why would any of you ladies remain with these guys?

Dump them already.  If that is not an option, for whatever reason, time to line up your cha-cha, the guy who always has time for you.  He’s there, just waiting for you to make it official. The cha-cha is discrete, he never calls you, you call him and he does what you want.  End of problem.

Hello Kitty
wrote on March 21 2009 @ 01:39 pm: [report]

I am dating this guy currently. My self esteem has gone from “I am definitely the prettiest out of all my friends” to “I am going to wear sweats and t-shirts all the time” because I don’t need to impress him. But he comments on the “hot chicks” in TV + magazines… and told me about his past escapades. I am convinced things will turn around, but after reading this… I don’t know.

kbear
wrote on March 28 2009 @ 07:52 am: [report]

Thank you for posting this!  I was dating this guy up until yesterday.  In a month and a half we only slept together twice.  Both times I initiated it.  We would make out and then he would just go to sleep.  He kept saying how attracted he was to me, but I really felt that maybe there was something wrong with me…that I wasn’t sexy or pretty enough.  When I talked to my friends about it, they suggested maybe the sex hadn’t been good for him, but the thing was, it seemed like he didn’t even want to have sex.  When we broke up, I asked him about the sex thing and he said that he has always viewed sex as dirty and gross because you are getting someone else’s sweat on you, so he hardly ever has sex.  I don’t think people sweat that much, but whatever.  I’m done with dating sexless guys!

Me123
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 05:38 pm: [report]

Me and my partner have had sexual imbalance nearly all of our 6 years of being together. He is just not interested in sex. Full stop. It was great for the first 2-3 months, but I suspect that was b/c of expectations. We talk about this imbalance (I no longer refer to it as a “problem”, I don’t think this word helps anyone when it comes to sex) a lot, nearly every week And we have tried many different solutions but they just end up becoming chores for my partner, which is not good for him or me.

Before I met him I was VERY sexually active and my sexuality is something that I respect and love. I have never cheated on him but do sometimes find myself being a little flirty with other guys, but he knows and accepts it, and that it would never go any further.

We have sex once about once a month, and that would be at a push. The little sex that we do have is not hot, passionate, riping our clothes off sex either….it is often in the same position in the same location….but it is so intimate, and so loving.

I go through the emotions of feeling rejected and not attractive. But I never feel unloved or hated on with him.

It is not possible that I leave him, we are soul mates and belong together and my heart would break if I did not have him.

I stay sane b/c I know that no one is perfect, therefore no relationship is perfect. You can spend your whole life trying to find someone that ticks all your boxes, but you may never find him/her, and then what?

I kinda feel that relationships can sometimes call for hard work, and you will know if he/she is worth it….and my guy is worth it. Peace.

carl
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 12:21 pm: [report]

I would really like to comment on this article, as I think some clearing up needs to be done. Being a man, you should understand a man’s point of view, My last relationship was a very difficult one on the sex side, Sometimes men do not want sex because their other half just treats them like #&@$%! She tried to have unprotected sex a few times (no pill, no nothing), so imagine how I felt, and would rarely try to please me. Do you really think a man who is treated like that really wants sex?! We were not compatible sex-wise, its a fact, but instead of trying to resolve things she wants to leave me, instead of trying to resolve the issue? My only mistake was being with her that long…

secretsquirrel
wrote on May 30 2009 @ 06:37 am: [report]

Been there, done that, was married for 16 years and finally said enough.  My self-esteem was so in the tank it wasn’t funny.  It’s fine and dandy to say “communicate,” but when your only fight every year is about this issue, after so many years, you have to call it quits.  My ex husband and I are still great friends.  But after my divorce, I went through a “sowing my wild oats” period and I am glad I did it.  My self-esteem still suffers from all the years of rejection, but from the past couple of years of sex with different partners, I finally think it might not be me anymore.  Sometimes.

For those of you in this situation, try couples counseling.  If that doesn’t work or he is resistant (like my ex was until I told him I wanted a divorce and THEN he was all for it), weigh carefully the pros and cons of ending it.  I am lucky in that I still have my friend and I can find lovers/boyfriends elsewhere without guilt or being a cheating loser.  It worked out for me, but for those who really need and enjoy the companionship of your spouse, you might want to stay because single life still has periods of no sex.  For me, the biggest component of the decision was my hatefulness towards myself.  How ugly and fat and disgusting I must be that my own husband doesn’t want to touch me.  I couldn’t live with it any longer and now, I’m getting ok with myself.  That means more than anything to me.

katshere
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 10:49 pm: [report]

Ive been sitting up for 2 hours now crying because this is my life. He never wants me, never tells me im attractive and yet still tells me he loves me and wont let me go. I actually made a date for the morning to just get laid by another man because i just feel so totally ugly and unwanted and im so miserable. I dont know if I will go through with it but I just want to feel wanted. Its not even about the sex its just about feeling wanted and loved and pretty. I dont know what to do.

sparklestar
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:47 pm: [report]

a) if you loved him you wouldn’t cheat
b) if he loved you then he’d try and discuss the sexual differences
c) it’s never OK to cheat on somebody if you decide they aren’t meeting your needs anymore
d) break up with your boyfriend and be fair to him. it’s better than putting him at risk of contracting some other dude’s STD’s.

then he can go off and find somebody else to not have sex with and you can go off and find lots of guys to have sex with.

phoenix
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 08:14 pm: [report]

Thank Goodness for this webpage.  Its nice to know Im not alone.  While I think my husband is experiencing depression I think he is constantly not interested in sex, during the course of our 3 years of marriage. Like someone said, I had no idea he was even interested in me romantically at first, we shared chaste pecks on the mouth until I made the first move. 

  But we have issues with communication as well, which frustrate me. He never tells me I am beautiful, or makes me feel special, and when I ask him why he is with me he says its cause I put up with his shyt and that Im loyal.  Makes me feel more like a dog then a wife.  The entire experience makes me feel like we are already an old couple rather then a recently married couple.  I get jealous of my friends when they tell me about their adventurous romps with their husbands.

  I am really lost right now about the entire thing.  I try to spice things up and I get shafted (no pun intended) and then Im gunshy.  And I try to talk to him about it all and he tells me its not an important problem.  But it DOES make me question my desirability so therefore I think it IS a problem. 

  To make matters worse, he at times can be very critical.  I can show him a picture of me in a dress with cleavage… and he tells me he doesnt like the dress.  I tried to show him how passionate I am about him sexually recently during our sexual encounters and he told me he didnt like it.  So not only do I feel unattractive I feel like my performance is lacking as well.

  But he has told me on more then one occasion about an Ex gf he would fly out several times a year to go see, because he loved having sex with her.  It messes with my head. And Im not sure what will happen to us.

But its nice to know Im not alone

Miss Lizzie
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 12:19 am: [report]

Yeah…I wasted over a year of my life with a guy who didn’t really care about having sex.  Unfortunately he was the one who broke up with me because he “can’t give me what I want.”  He told me he was fine with sex once a month or less.  I wanted sex at least several times a week, daily, a couple times a day!  I’m in a my 20’s for God’s sake and I waited until 22 to have sex.  I couldn’t believe that it was looking like my sex life was over.  Candlelite dinners, $200 worth of lingerie (which he didn’t even want to look at), wine, doing nice stuff for him, trying to be sexy…nothing worked.  He was always “too tired.”  And “it’s not me, it’s him.”  Then he told me this always happens with his gfs.  I should have broken up with him over a year ago.  He hasn’t initiated sex in that time.  It was always me and only if I got mad or started crying from feeling rejected.  I stopped coming onto him to see if that would make a difference…..6 weeks later I finally was like WTF!!!!!!!!  He told me he felt sex was dirty and he learned about sex from his mother by her showing him pictures of diseased genitals.  Plus he had some girls try to get pregnant by him.  Wow.  I told him to me sex was a way to show someone you love them, to feel good and make your significant other feel good, a way to feel close.  He looked at me like I had 5 heads and said, “Really?”

I’ll never be in a sexless relationship again.  I don’t care how much money the guy makes, if he’d be a great dad, he buys me flowers every day.  It’s too important, at least to me.  Nights of crying because I must be too fat, too ugly, really bad at sex…..totally not worth it.

When I asked him to at least try, to start with kissing and if it went somewhere great, if not I wouldn’t get mad, he’d say no.  I can’t remember the last time we french kissed, he always kissed me on the cheek or forehead.  He wouldn’t even try.  He told me to get a vibrator and have fun alone. 

Never again.  I’d rather be alone.

phoenix
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 07:36 am: [report]

Wow Miss as a PSA to other women you should contact that guys Mothers and let her know how bad she screwed him up.  Thats just not right. Im glad you got out of there and I hope you find a guy who appreciates your sexuality.

prgirl
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 08:13 am: [report]

For those on you on SSRIs or with SO on SSRIs, I feel your pain. I was also on SSRIs for about 9 years, and I had tried to get off them but always would go back because by winter I could feel my depression coming back on. While on SSRIs, I was no longer depressed but also I felt like I was not “alive” or how I used to be. Then 2 years ago I decided that to change the way I ate (I try to eat foods without any preservatives as much as possible), I began to practice meditation and yoga consistently, and I developed a regular exercise routine.  I also started taking supplements like fish oil (for Omega 3). Obviously I told my doctor and we monitored my condition and I went off SSRIs gradually.  It’s not to say that there weren’t tough days, but I feel so much more alive and my sexual desire is back to normal.  I have nothing against anti-depressants, they certainly helped me tremendously.  But if you have worked through the depression and have come to know your triggers, and you feel your life is at a place where you have time to work on it, it’s worth considering.  Good luck!

theoldman
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 08:56 am: [report]

I have been on SSRI’s for twenty years now.  Yes they can be a problem but that is very dependent on the individual’s body chemistry.  The more commonly prescribed medications that have a far worse effect are statins used for cholesterol. I went o Lipitor 4 years ago and my sex life fell apart. Doctors blamed on my age.  Six weeks ago the dosage was doubled and I began to develop neuropathy (handshaking which began when I first started) which could not be controlled by other medications and myopathy which is deterioration of the muscle mass. As a result I was “too tired”. “They” claim that this only happens 2% of the time and discussions are buried and very abbreviated. Duane Graveline was my personal physician when I lived in Houston and was an Air Force flight surgeon assigned to NASA and later qualified as an Astronaut. I checked wiht him even though he is retired. He has a web site you can google and he isn’t afraid to step on the toes of the establishment.  I am now off statins and my sex life has returned.  I am up to it(pun intended) once a day now and twice on really good days.  So if your guy is really worth it otherwise and using any of a number of meds , check out the side effects.  Teh drug companies have a vested interest in selling pills(packaged as silver bullet cure alls) and sweeping the side effects under the rug.  Teh sexual side effects are an opportunity to sell more of the little blue pills(bonus for them).  I have learned a very hard lesson with some probable permanent nerve damage that drug companies don’t care about anything but the bottom line.

katshere
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 09:29 pm: [report]

Update… i had made the appointment to sleep with someone else but didnt do it. I dont want to be the person who becomes a cheater. I just want to feel wanted by the perso Im madly in love with. I just dont think he cares how much it hurts me…I dont know what to do.

canadiancutie
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 09:48 pm: [report]

Oh man, did this one ever hit close to home.

All I can say is, as a woman proud of her high libido, I will NEVER date the “indifferent to sex” type again! (I did it once). Not for me, those ones! I’d prefer even a caveman to club me over the head and drag me back to the lair for some rough-and-tumble lovin’ than the guy who you worry might turn you down even when you’re wearing thigh-highs.

BIG point of incompatibility.

canadiancutie
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 09:58 pm: [report]

And just in case there is any doubt, a man who has a take-it-or-leave-it attitude to sex WILL be just as indifferent about you guys staying together or breaking up. You want a man with passion, across the board. Or at least, I do.

katshere
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 06:42 am: [report]

Im just so tired of being the one to initiate sex all the time and then just get turned down. Im beautiful, slim, love sex and he has no interest. It makes me feel so ugly and unworthy. I just want to be wanted again. My ex husband was a prick but I always knew he wanted me for sex. Hate him miss that!

Miss Lizzie
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 06:43 am: [report]

Mmmmm a caveman?  LOL….Yeah the ex with a take it or leave approach to sex was stunned when I told him I was thinking about breaking up with him about the sex stuff.  He couldn’t believe it was that big a deal.  Then he broke up with a me a few days later.  The other day I got drunk and went through his stuff (bad I know) and I saw that he took all his porn with him.  (He’s staying at a cousin’s until I find a new apartment since it’s his house.) 

So he told me he didn’t have any sex drive and that’s why he didn’t want me but apparently he wants his porn. 

And AMEN on the passion comment!

bubblegum
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]

Well, some people say that the best way to stop having sex is to get married!
When I first met my husband we couldn’t keep our hands off each other! and now, all of the sudden, we lay in bed side by side for weeks (sometimes months)before anything happens!
I am not gonna said I didn’t try. I’ve done my best, but he keeps saying he’s tired, and he needs to sleep (I am 100% sure he’s not cheating or anything)
I’ve actually taken the habit of masturbating everyday when he leaves for work, and it’s getting pretty boring. But I can’t help it, I have a much higher libido than he does, and I need my fix!
More than once, I’ve been scared I might end up cheating on him one day, but I really love him…

bellarose
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 04:09 pm: [report]

Thank you, thank you! For this article… My current ex drove me mad, I love having sex and he used the excuse that because he is divorced and had two kids “his job was done.” It drove me mad especially because in the beginning it was non-stop. And the jelously of him being married and wondering how much sex they had made me crazy, insecure, and feeling like sh*t all the time. He also embarassed me in front of mutal friends saying I was addicted to sex. AND the WORST thing was he would literally tell me when we can have sex again, it would be like “Not until your birthday.” Or “Not until this or that happens” and that just made me psycho, who the hell puts a deadline on sex?!?! Glad I’m out of that…

Forest
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 12:05 pm: [report]

Another sexless guy’s perspective:

Thank you for this article and the comments.  It’s really refreshing to read about other people’s struggles with these problems and know I’m not alone.  My partner is usually the one who must instigate sex and it has hit her self-esteem hard at times, even though she is an outspoken, strong woman.

For me, the sexless-ness stems from the fact that I never had sex until I was 23.  By then, I had learned bad habits, masturbating so that I would cum quickly, and feeling ashamed of sex.  This is not easy behavior to unlearn.  Now, I suffer from premature ejaculation.  It’s difficult when she wants to have long, hard sex and I can’t really deliver; it hurts my own self-esteem and makes me want to avoid sex.  But then I feel guilty about not initiating sex, which feels totally overwhelming, and sex feels like a chore that I have to do.  This is tough because I really want to have good sex, especially because I’m crazy about my partner, into PDA, and I think she is hot.  But I dread the moment when I will cum before she’s ready or when she will break down crying with frustration.

I have seen a sex therapist off-and-on about these problems, and things have definitely improved, although I’m sad to say they’re still not at a place where we’re happy with them.  I think one of the biggest problems is that there really aren’t very many sex columns for men or even positive models of heterosexual male sexuality.  It can be very isolating.

I think if your partner is a sexless man and he won’t seek help or even acknowledge the problem, then you probably have to leave him, but if he’s willing to work with you on it and you really care about him, then you should seek help and work on it.  But don’t be prepared for overnight fixes.  These kinds of problems take a long time to fix, and ultimately, he needs your encouragement, not your animosity.

Miss Lizzie
wrote on September 27 2009 @ 12:49 am: [report]

Haha since posting here I found out that my ex boyfriend who “didn’t like sex” and found it “shameful” and was thinking he’d “never get married or have kids” was hooking up with a blond girl with a son before we broke up.  Nice.  No wonder he didn’t want to have sex.  I even asked him straight out if he was cheating on me and he lied to my face.  What a piece of crap.

BewitchedBeckatha
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:01 pm: [report]

Wow! What a great topic!  I love to see all the great points of view everyone has expressed here.

Here’s mine:  I recently left a marriage of nearly 15 years, and one of our “hot button issues” in the later years of our marriage was sex.  I was ready to go, almost daily.  Him - not so much.  Even when he was interested, and awake enough for sex, often he couldn’t keep his erection long enough to actually do anything.  Because he refused to talk to a doctor, see a therapist, or even talk to me about it, the problem was never fixed.  In addition, he also had no interest in pleasing me, and refused giving oral sex - although he had no problem with receiving! Funny thing was - he wasn’t interested in me because he was too busy screwing around with everyone else. 

However…here’s another scenario.  Imagine you’re dating a guy who doesn’t make the 1st move.  You think he’s not interested. You move on.  Everyone’s had it happen right?  I’ve got a friend in this situation - he’s afraid to make any moves - afraid to start something he can’t finish.  He has a physical disability that makes sexual activity difficult.  At 30, he’s a virgin, and is afraid to get into a relationship, knowing it’ll lead to sex.

Not every guy who’s not jumping into bed is “asexual”.  There could be deeper issues, and unless you give him a chance, you’ll never know what the issues are.

Gloom
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]

My boyfriend isn’t sexless, but he can go on without sex for weeks without freaking out. But when it comes to me, after three or four weeks without sex with my boyfriend it gets pretty bad; I end up masturbating almost every day, as desperate as a bunny. Still, I prefer him over those guys who just think about sex ALL the time and can’t get their hands off me.