Cheesy, Romantic Dirty Talk

Dealbreaker: The Romantic Dirty Talker

Posted by: Susan B. Filed in: relationships
11:00AM, Monday February 23rd 2009

I met him through mutual friends, and I noticed him immediately because he looked like my ex-best friend—but, like, a way hotter version of the ex-BFF. We hung out a few times, and one night, after some drunken bonding over tattoos and the psychological and scientific validity of the art of pickup, he asked if I was coming home with him, and I said yes.

What I was looking for at the time was a fun, casual fling with someone I could be friendly with—without it turning into anything emotional. Neither of us were into having a relationship, and I knew that he was seeing someone else casually, too. He was smart and sarcastic and seemed like the type to bottle up his feelings and never reveal them to me. I thought it was the perfect setup.

We continued seeing each other, but after awhile he started saying some really awkward things. After the first couple times, I thought he was just having one of those moments where you say what you feel in the way you think the other person wants you to say it, so I ignored it. Then one night, he halted a make out session to look deep into my eyes and asked, “Why does kissing you feel so right?”

“Um … I don’t know,” I stuttered.

In the morning, he told me that he loved waking up, “feeling [me] curled up beside [him] like a kitten.” Once, during sex, he stopped everything so he could “experience” me, and said, “My d*** feels so at home inside you. It’s like it was meant to be.”

As if it wasn’t bad enough that everything he learned about the art of conversation could have been found in a romance novel, I soon discovered that everything he had learned about dirty talk had come from watching porn. Low-rent porn involving girls with DD-cups and ejaculate that spurts out like a fire hose spews water.

He’d ask me, mid-thrust, if I was a bad girl.

“Have you been naughty? Do you need to be punished?” he’d say. It really broke my concentration.

“Huh? What?” I gasped. “Do you want me to say yes or no? Yes? Yes!”

He asked me if he could come on my face. (No.) Or if I’d lick his j*** off his body. (No). He didn’t seem to have absorbed any of the positions featured in adult movies, though, because we did it missionary nearly every time. I suggested something once that I thought was pretty tame (me on top, both of us sitting up), and he said, “What is this—the Kama Sutra?”

There were other things majorly wrong with the relationship. He was deathly afraid of catching an STD from me (because, obviously, I must be a slut if I’m sleeping with him); he randomly threw away my toothbrush; he lied to me. But in the end what made the last of my desire for him shrivel up and die was the final time we had sex. I was on top, enjoying myself, until he said, in the voice of Quagmire from “Family Guy,” “F**k yeah, baby! I want you to ride me all night!”

comments

Lola
wrote on February 23 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]

hahahahahaha.. he threw away your toothbrush???!!

yarngasm
wrote on February 23 2009 @ 02:02 pm: [report]

Why would he throw away your toothbrush? That’s just ridiculous.

And wouldn’t your declining his offer to let you ingest his bodily fluids be the kind of behavior that would tell him that maybe you don’t have any STDs? Did he follow up his Quagmire impression with, “Giggity giggity!”?

Lynn
wrote on February 23 2009 @ 02:45 pm: [report]

Well, as far as the “romantic dirty talk” goes, it sounds like he was more into the relationship than you - you wanted it casual, sounds like he didn’t.

But him wanting to cum on your face or asking you if you’re a bad girl - am I weird that I don’t think those things are too odd?

Trishkabob
wrote on February 23 2009 @ 02:52 pm: [report]

“My penis feel so at home” HAHAHAH this made me laugh.

heathabee
wrote on February 23 2009 @ 04:10 pm: [report]

wow. this would be a deal-breaker the first time it happened…
meaning it would also be the last time.

eww. and awkward…

ammy
wrote on February 23 2009 @ 05:40 pm: [report]

*grasps paper bag for hyperventilation*
man, even i’m sorry that this happened to you, i’m VERY glad i’m not the only one.
my personal “favorite” is when a partner feels the need for constant commentary… i.e., “I’m going to ____ you all night” “My ____ feels so good right now” “You’re _____ is making me ____” It’s like, damn do you have give me a play by play?? I’m right here!

hereshestands
wrote on February 24 2009 @ 12:38 am: [report]

Bahahaha you poor thing. How horrid and awkward. But mostly funny. =p

sawet
wrote on February 24 2009 @ 04:34 am: [report]

The throwing out the toothbrush was by far the funniest bit. “Um. Why did you throw out my toothbrush again??”

jadeycakes
wrote on February 24 2009 @ 01:54 pm: [report]

Hahaha

Wendy Atterberry
wrote on February 24 2009 @ 09:45 pm: [report]

Oh dear!

Fizzy
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 10:43 am: [report]

Eeugh! The “are you a bad girl” thing might be okay, but everything else? Icky.

Susan B.
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]

@Lynn - Those questions aren’t too weird, I just felt like they were so cheesy that I didn’t know how to answer. And since we were just having fun, I wanted to play along so it’d be fun for him too, except I didn’t really know what the answer was supposed to be. Or I did, but couldn’t say it without laughing.

@yarngasm - I love yarn too! Off topic, but still.

DancerNinja
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 09:46 am: [report]

Thank you for sharing that experience. Going from icky romantic to icky cheesy porn stuff is weird.

PS - I carry my knitting/crocheting around in a bag with “Yarngasm” written in it.

99bottles
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 12:38 pm: [report]

lmao!! “what is this-the kama sutra?” wtf! why don’t guys learn anything besides an unrealistic expectation of beauty from all the porn they watch, you think they would at least pick up some moves while they were at it!!

Gloom
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:49 pm: [report]

“My d*** feels so at home inside you. It’s like it was meant to be.”

I would just laugh right on his face. Seriously. My boyfriend has said some remotely similar stuff, but I’m all for the dirty talk when in the right mood. But jeez, that’s just hilarious!