Dealbreaker: The Polyamorous Guy
Posted by: Ami Angelowicz
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Monday June 15th 2009
I am 30 years old, single, and have been that way for a while. As I approached the big 3-0, starting around mid-28, I began to panic about my singlehood, asking myself some tough questions: “What am I doing wrong?” “Are my standards are too high?” “Do I have too much baggage?” I made a new dating motto for myself: “No guy left behind,” ensuring that all dudes got a chance. This equal opportunity dating model led me straight into the jaws of a string of freaks, losers, liars, a-holes, guys with girlfriends, and one very, er…unique guy I’ll call H.
It was one month before my 30th birthday when I met H at a work event. At first I was convinced he was gay (maybe it was the white canvas topsiders and linen pants?), but when he continued to flirt with me and asked me for my number, I played along. I didn’t find him particularly compelling, but I reminded myself of my motto and…30 was fast approaching. So what if he wore linen?
When we met for a drink, I hugged him and immediately smelled his body odor. Feeling fearful, I proceeded ahead bravely, determined to play the part of the open and optimistic single chick that I had been perfecting for the last two years. “I’m sorry I’m late, I just got back from my internship at [insert hippie-type organization],” he apologized. Wait…he was an intern? He’s 36!
“Is that your full-time job?” I asked, trying not to sound too condemning.
“For now, yeah, totally,” he smiled.
We were no more than two minutes into our first drink when he dropped a bomb. “I’m Polyamorous,” he said.
I coughed slightly and rolled my lychee martini around in my mouth. waiting to feel shocked or react at all, but instead I kicked into dating survival mode. “Okay!” I said with genuine enthusiasm as if he had just told me what college he went to (but that wouldn’t be possible since H never went to college).
After he explained the concept of polyamory to me—people who are involved in multiple relationships simultaneously—he told me about his sexual involvement with a lesbian couple that were committed to each other, but saw him on the side. He was committed to both of them, but to one more than the other. Huh?
Before I could even begin to process this information, he dove into the lighter stuff. “I’m going through a nasty divorce and I have an 8-month-old son. My mother and my wife both have mental illnesses and I am embroiled in a custody battle. Oh, and my sister is obese.” And I thought I had a lot of baggage.
The hot couple next to me gazed into each other’s eyes, giggled, and then the smitten girl fed the guy a piece of sushi. Why wasn’t that my date? Not knowing what to do or say – nothing in my dating life had prepared me for this—my desperate dating facade cracked open like the Hoover Dam and I started laughing a deep guttural, no holding back, cutting loose laugh. H looked at me with a wounded expression. “I’m sorry,” was all I could manage to get out between snorts, giggles, and tears. I couldn’t stop. People in the bar were starting to stare. I was laughing out all of the pain, frustration, and disappointments of the last two years – no, the last decade of dating. There was no good way to tell him that he had just inspired me to give myself the best 30th birthday gift ever—to let go of the past and reinstate my standards. “We should do this again if you want,” he suggested as I chugged the rest of my martini. “No, I’ll never do this again.” And I meant it.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Perceptible
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:05 am: [report]
That’s almost as good as the article where the guy confessed to having a relationship with his sister! Where do these guys come from? And a better question, how do they ever find women who would consider dating them?
I guess that’s kind of harsh. I’m sure there are people who are game for just about everything. Maybe he was a really sincere, loving guy. I don’t mean to judge, but seriously, wtf?
Riley
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:09 am: [report]
I think the polyamorous lifestyle was the least of his issues.
joyy
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:12 am: [report]
BO on a first date, while he’s still legally married, and unloading that much baggage right away? Polyamory, if it is a problem for you, sounds like the least of your worries with that guy - sounds like a raging mess that can never be cleaned up.
moonblossom
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:14 am: [report]
too funny…and yet another reason not to lower your standards
Kathls
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:36 am: [report]
It’s awesome that you told him you’d never do it again! I’m so non-confrontational that I probably would have mumbled something on the way out the door. Good for you for giving him a big “Hells No!”
And as far as standards go, I’ve been doing that a lot lately, but the thing is I’m not looking for or expecting perfection, so why should I lower my expectations in order to score a date with a caveman? I’m not even the kind of person who has a ‘type’ physically, what’s the point? But I am looking for a certain level of emotional maturity, someone with thoughts behind their actions, sincerity.
The other day a friend and I were discussing fatal flaws in both men and women, I seem to have run across some good ones lately
. I initially thought mine was giving 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. chances. But we determined that might be problematic, but my real fatal flaw was not being able to figure out where to draw the line. I would probably be considered an overly - empathic person, and I hold people to just as high of standards. But I think maybe I hold the bar too high. I’m just looking for someone, as corny as it might sound, who lives by the golden rule, like I do. I don’t seem to mesh well in relationships with people who only have a vague concept of it, because in the end, I will always hold them up to it.
So now I’m left to figure out where the average line for empathy should be drawn. Guess I’ll just have to keep working on that one ...
good2bjillyg
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:39 am: [report]
“all dudes get a chance” ??? This is just as bad as frisking the old lady at the airport as a possible terrorist. its just down right not logical. Glad Mr. Polyamorous insighted a change of standard to your dating mottos!! :0
Kate Torgovnick
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:40 am: [report]
My goodness, Ami, I just cannot believe this guy. Cheers to standards.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:50 am: [report]
He may be messed up beyond repair, but you were drinking a lychee martini, that comes in in a close second to BO and baggage.
Kathls
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:52 am: [report]
I must share this good first-encounter story that happened to me last month. It’s lengthy but a good one
. I was out with friends celebrating at a bar one Saturday, when a guy walked up to the table, started chatting, he seemed,relatively normal.
He begins with some snotty dialogue: his shoes were $300 (red flag), he went (but did not graduate from Vanderbilt), he felt the need to inform me that it was in fact a university (do I look that dumb?) He then pointed out some people in the corner, said he knew them from school and proceeded to talk about how dumb they were. Whatev. So ...
My friend wanders off and he started to explain to me that he wasn’t drinking alcohol because he’s on heavy painkillers, not that he’s an alcoholic. Umm ... actually I wasn’t paying attention to what he was drinking, but it gets better ...
He goes into why he’s on the pain killers, and this has to be the story of all stories: allegedly a few years ago he was down at a local collection of bars and clubs, got into his car and was car-jacked!! Car-jacked ... he was shot in the leg as he ran away. Come on! But it goes on ...
As a result of this shooting he had his foot amputated on one leg “only below the ankle”, then said something about his STUMP. He proceeds to talk about his prosthetic foot and offered to let me touch it! AAAAAAHHHHHH!! Then he asks if my friend and I can give him a ride home so he doesn’t have to call a cab. Uhm, 1) you’re crazy, 2) I’ve known you for 11 seconds, 3) I don’t want to end up in a ditch on the side of the road. thank you very much!
Thankfully my friend came back and we moved on to find someone a little more normal (which shouldn’t have been hard).
Later that night my friend saw The Pirate (as we now call him) picking a fight with the people he was insulting, and this also including threatening to kill them. High Class.
If only I could have a talking cat or dog, I would have no need for human interaction.
It’s a good story though if anything. Le sigh
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:56 am: [report]
@Kathls: He wore 300 dollar shoes on a foot that isn’t even real? WTF?!
Riley
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:00 am: [report]
@Kathls, you have to wonder how some people rationalize talking/acting like that when they first meet someone.
delovely
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:00 am: [report]
I’m not sure why us women feel the need to give every guy a chance. Just in case he might be the one?
I catch myself doing this once in awhile and I always, always regret it. Even if you’re just going to settle for a guy, there are way better ones out there than that loser.
And if you aren’t going to settle, cheers!
alan7388
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:14 am: [report]
> We were no more than two minutes into our first
> drink when he dropped a bomb. “I’m Polyamorous,”
> he said.
Well good for him! He was honest with you from the outset. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, he let you know right away—rather than leading you on, or being too chicken to tell you, or hoping to win you over later.
On poly discussion sites the question often gets discussed of how soon to explain yourself to a new date, and the consensus is “immediately.” It’s the honest and ethical thing to do… and long experience has taught the poly community that for this whole thing to work, it demands frankly unusual levels of honesty and ethics at every step.
Alan
—————————————————-
Keep up with Polyamory in the News!
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/
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Raugiel
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:21 am: [report]
Yow! I am poly myself, but that guy would have creeped me out too! Cudos for bringing forward his poly lifestyle right away (so as not to waste your time if that is a dealbreaker), but He sounds like he has no business starting another relationship with so many other problems and loose ends floating around in his life!
Kathls
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse: I guess he felt like he had to dress it up *shrugs*
. I kind of felt like and feel like with other similar people—I am not your therapist and we just met 5 seconds ago, I don’t need your entire medical history, not that of your children or family. For Christ’s sake I have a metal plate in my head and I don’t go spreading that sh*t around. It is a need-to-know basis (other than my friends at thefrisky 
). Same goes for talking about exes on first dates and first encounters at bars and clubs. Your target probably doesn’t want to think about you humping someone else. I must admit I fall or have fallen under the ‘everyone deserves a chance’ category. Maybe I need to reevaluate that policy and figure out how to draw a better line with a pencil instead of a Sharpie. I just hope I don’t run into The Pirate ever again. Guess I’ll be able to run away from him though, because he also pointed out that he went into his diatribe in case I noticed him limping. If you ever saw anyone limping at a bar, who would assume something horrible about that person? Duh, they would probably think you tripped up the stairs.
At least glad I have others to share with my misadventures in dating. :D
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
@Kathls: I’m weird at bars because I don’t expect/want anything out of meeting new people. It’s not really the kind of place I would like to meet anyone either.
MochaMama42
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 12:19 pm: [report]
There are really no words for this…
SMH.
Glad she decided to stick with monogamy.
Purple Haze
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 12:35 pm: [report]
Wow. That’s all I have to say.
Kathls
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 12:39 pm: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse: to me, bars are purely for entertainment value, and the occasional free drink. Nothing better than people watching, especially drunk ones or watching drunk karaoke. I think the odds are astronomically high that I’ll meet mr. right at a bar, so I’m not holding my breath on that one. And I kind of don’t want to meet the love of my life in a place with meldewy/beer-stained carpet and scoundrels. For now, a good place to unwind, and practice my assertive/backbone skills: No I do NOT want to touch your prosthetic limb! (end scene)
Symian
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 01:08 pm: [report]
And this is why I don’t talk to men at bars. Bars are for drinking, sports, and sometimes the random get-together.
Nothing warms my gin and tonic like conversing with a polyamorous, fat sister having, wife battling, son of a crazy mother.
JackS
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 03:57 pm: [report]
I don’t know if this is a true story or not, but it seems like the male character is pretty lacking in a variety of ways, his being poly seems to be only one in a wide range of things the author dislikes about him. Is the fact that he is poly really the “dealbreaker?” If he was looking for a monogamous relationship and had all of the same qualities as he did in this article would the author then want to date him?
I don’t want to come off as hyper sensitive, but it seems like this article has picked a certain lifestyle and then saddled someone of that lifestyle with a variety of undesirable traits to then name the lifestyle as somehow pathetic. That’s at best passively dismissive and at worst outwardly hostile towards a perfectly valid behavior.
I understand that The Frisky’s goal isn’t to be progressive or sex positive, but at least the writers could state their feelings about polyamory (or other lifestyles) in a more direct way so that they could facilitate actual dialog instead of catty stereotyping.
Revolutionary Girl
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 05:03 pm: [report]
Brutal!!!!! I’m glad you got out of there. Nothing wrong with bein 30 and single. Heck, I’m 21 and people tell me I’m a freak because I just had my first serious relationship and it only lasted 4 months. Standards are high everywhere. I think as long as we are comfortable and we find the person worth the wait, who the eff cares?
becktasm
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 07:29 pm: [report]
Polyamory is such a dealbreaker, my god. I get the whole fascination with it, I do- who says we can only love one person?- but count me OUT. My boyfriend and I barely have time for each other as is, with school and work and our respective social lives, I can’t imagine how little we’d see each other if we threw a couple more beaus into the picture. Also, it takes all I have not to imagine my boy f*cking his exes and get upset, I would be a maniac if he was sleeping with someone else CURRENTLY.
Fun fact: The whole idea that men are meant to be polyamorous and women monogamous came from a study in the 50’s. Of fruit flies. Recent research shows that it does not apply to people, and every human being is capable of monogamy, barring serious psychological problems. Woohoo for only sleeping with one person at a time! Can I hear an AMEN!
ktylove
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 04:20 am: [report]
I’m offended that it is implied that most or all polyamorous people must have all kinds of awful baggage. I live a very simple life with my husband of 14 years, his other love who is my best friend, and our daughter, in the suburbs. We have normal jobs, normal families, healthy minds and bodies. We don’t see anything wrong with monogamy OR polyamory and hope people will choose what works best for them, and accept each other’s choices without feeling the need for backhanded implications like those in this article.
juliePS
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 04:44 am: [report]
I’m with you, ktylove. While I think a lot of polyamorous people are a little trainwrecky, so are a lot of monogamous folks. And hey, at least the guy was upfront about it.
It sounds to me like it should read more along the lines of “Dealbreaker: More baggage than a cargo hold.”
writergirl
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 05:29 am: [report]
The biggest fight I ever had with my parents—MY PARENTS!!!—was over me not dating “for fun” as they put it. They thought I should go out with anyone who asked, at least once. I, however, subscribed to the theory that, like a good movie, if he didn’t catch my attention within the first five minutes, then I wasn’t going to be bothered.
The fight led to me going out with a guy I had no interest in, knew I would NEVER have an interest in and I made sure to torture them with the gory details the next day. And he was no where NEAR the level poly dude was. My guy was just short, fat, ugly, zero personality and had bad breath.
I would have LOVED to be able to tell my mother your story. Just so I had the opportunity to explain to her what polyamorous WAS and see her face.
joyy
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 07:55 am: [report]
@ktylove - agreed.
NouveauYorker
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
Really? Do these people really exist? Only in the New York dating scene.
canadiancutie
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 09:34 pm: [report]
kalhs, I hear ya on the nonconfrontational muttering of, “Definitely!” or something to that effect. I usually thank the weirdos politely for their time and do the slow fade. It’s the kinder, gentler, “You’re a loser!!”
Also, polyamorous people are usually fat, ugly, or both. Same with nudists. The biggest freaks have nothing to lose, my friends!
Carra_J
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 01:52 pm: [report]
I think that I’m with Alan, JackS and ktylove. It was good for the guy to come out and say *right away* that he was polyamorous. Better to tell you that then to lead someone on thinking that they are monogamous only to find out later perhaps when people become more involved.
I think that him being polyamorous was the least of your concern as you’ve expounded on all of the other traits you found negative in him for so long. Honestly I doubt your reaction would be any different were he monogamous, so why make that the feature of your article here instead of all the baggage this guy had?
Good for standing up to your standards, everyone has them and it’s better to stick to them to a certain extent (though I would allow some le-way generally) however I also think that as well as being nicer as a whole in the article and not so catty that it would probably have been better to be a little nicer for the rejection of the second date. *shrugs* I don’t know I guess I just don’t get saying something cruely when it really isn’t necessary to do so.
SomebodyGame
wrote on June 21 2009 @ 06:30 pm: [report]
Looks like the REAL deal-breaker should have been “I’m going through a nasty divorce and I have an 8-month-old son. My mother and my wife both have mental illnesses and I am embroiled in a custody battle. Oh, and my sister is obese.” Except that it sounds made-up, to give extra emphasis to how TRULY BAD the poly thing was. WORSE than all of that. But I guess the other respondents have already called that bluff; this other crap is much worse than the Poly bomb.
Or is it? First of all, my wife and I are poly, so I’m generally supportive of the idea (and there are heaps of strong poly relationships out there which work perfectly well, thankyou-very-much, involving attractive people). BUT, poly isn’t for everyone. If poly is a deal-breaker for you, that’s fine, and none of the commentors above have any right to tell you it should be different.
The problem is what you’ve decided to do afterwards: vilify the poor guy for the twin ‘evils’ of honesty and having an alternative sexuality. Shame on you. I think you probably deserve for your next guy to have some actually nasty perversity going on, but hide it from you so you get thoroughly attached and waste months (or years) on him before finding out. But I won’t wish that on you.
Instead, I hope you get the message, and open up your attitudes a little. That doesn’t mean you have to hook up with some poly guy; just don’t go all poly-hater on us. Poly isn’t for everyone, but it isn’t the nasty, horrible, worse-than-all-those-other-things-you-mentioned ‘thing’ you’re making it out to be.