Dealbreaker: The Overly Intellectual Guy
Posted by: Jennifer Wright | Filed in: Relationships
12:00PM, Monday November 17th 2008
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For the record, when the press refers disparagingly to Manhattan intellectuals, I feel insulted. I’m not a Nascar fan. I don’t really get “The Hills.” I don’t call Barack Obama by his middle name. I like a lot of cultural things. I love contemporary art. I majored in Philosophy. I’m more than happy to eat sweetbreads. However, if there’s a street festival anywhere in the Manhattan area, I will find it, because I know that they will be selling deep fried Oreos. And while I don’t get “The Hills,” I completely and utterly get “The Girls Next Door” and am shocked that Hef and Holly have called it quits. One of my greatest dreams is to see a monster truck rally.
However, at a friend’s art show, the latter didn’t have much of a place in conversation. Instead, I ended up talking about classical influences with a good-looking man standing next to me. He asked me out, and suggested an independent movie. “Ah,” I thought. “A smart date. He wants to show that he likes independent movies now, but eventually he will reveal his love of ‘Monday Night Football’ and ‘Family Guy.’ I’m fine with that.” In retrospect, the fact that he referred to some other people at the show as “the hoi polloi” should have been a tip-off.
We went to the movie. It was a very old movie. It was set in an even older period. It had subtitles. It was a movie that made me want to stab my brain with a chopstick. The dialogue went something like this: “Oui.” “Non!” “Oui!” “Non.”
“Good Lord, it’s going to go on like that forever,” I thought. “Oui!” the character on screen exclaimed. Oui, indeed.
Finally, mercifully, it ended. “Wasn’t that great?” the Incredibly Intellectual Guy said. “Weren’t you moved?” He said this in a way that suggested being moved was the only appropriate response, as opposed to being in pain. I played it cool. I figured this was the “let’s pretend to be really smart all the time” portion of the relationship, wherein we would establish that we would both be big winners were we to be on “Cash Cab.” When I expressed some hesitation, he replied, “Perhaps you just didn’t understand it. Would you like me to explain it to you?”
This became something of a running theme. We went out to the opera. I remembered that while I love short, peppy Italian operas, wherein everyone falls in love and dances, I hate long German operas in which nothing happens. Guess which kind we went to? Once again, he offered to explain it. As he did with the raw food restaurant (apparently, cooked cow meat is destroying the earth), as well as a lecture (I would have understood it better if I’d read more Wittgenstein), and the next two foreign films (it’s moving, dammit!).
I found myself dreading these dates the way I dread dental appointments. But after having scoffed at prior boyfriends for watching “Old School” and National Lampoon movies, dumping someone because they were too into cultural things just seemed wrong.
That is, until the day came when I suggested seeing “Blindness.” It struck me as being a smart movie that might be acceptable, but apparently it wasn’t smart enough for the Incredibly Intellectual Guy, who immediately replied, “Are you joking? Why would you want to see that commercial trash? Did you miss the part where Julianne Moore is in it?”
“No,” I said, perplexed.
“I think we should see something at least remotely intelligent,” he replied. “We’ll go to Film Forum.”
“No,” I informed him, “we won’t. Because we are now broken up.”
The next day, instead of seeing “Blindness,” I went to see “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.” It made me think about the plight of talking dogs everywhere. I found it moving.
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christianay
[report]wrote on November 17 2008 @ 12:42 pm:
I’ve definitely dated a guy like this before. He wore vintage LA Gear sneakers because it was ironic. So not only did he scoff at practically all the movies I saw, he was also one of those hipsters. Ick.
Pipi
[report]wrote on November 17 2008 @ 02:27 pm:
When they are smarter than you, you cant break their spirits thus losing all control over them. And who the hell wants to be with someone who is always right. Lol.
HitOrMissJudy
[report]wrote on November 17 2008 @ 03:59 pm:
A truly smart guy doesn’t make his adorable date feel stupid.
Kiki T
[report]wrote on November 17 2008 @ 04:55 pm:
It’s one thing to be “smart,” it’s another thing to not have a sense of humor.
...and sounds like me might be over-compensating trying to come across soooo cultured in order to cover up for his lack of finesse and personality...after all, how good can a guy that can’t laugh at himself in bed??? Answer: Not very! ..and if he’s not good in bed or any fun to hang with, what is he good for? Answer: nothing...and ahh, that guy sounded so unoriginal too--like the kind of guy that would read about something pretentious and than have to do it, just for the sake of it making him seem more intellectual, rather than being passionate about anything. Basically, just a robot of another kind--blah! Ugh, I can go on and on about him, because I so have met these types and HATE THEM!
...and btw, loved that you went to go see B.H. Chihuahua!
Katia
[report]wrote on November 17 2008 @ 07:49 pm:
:::shudder:::
I’ve been on two dates like these. Both were miserable experiences. Neither of these guys had a sense of humor and both seemed overly preoccupied with how people perceived them. They were determined to rise above the stench of mediocrity. Whilst I should have been grateful that a vulgar creature such as myself was allowed to orbit their superior intellect, I can only snicker at what pompous asses they were.
lilo
[report]wrote on November 17 2008 @ 08:16 pm:
In college, I sat through numerous obscure foreign films (at the student center no less) with the object of my affection: a sweet, but completely self-consciously intellectual PhD student in Philosophy. All I wanted was for that excruciatingly slow four-hour black and white Japanese film to end so that I could get just even a little intimate with this guy. After some awkward fumbling around after a film or two, I realized (and confirmed) my guy preferred other guys in addition to foreign films. All that time wasted—although I can say I’ve read Heidegger.
christianay
[report]wrote on November 18 2008 @ 01:49 am:
Alright, it’s funny that I read this today because I just started talking to this guy who is obsessed with the 1940’s and 50’s. He wears glasses, shoes, suits and hats like he’s from there. He even pomades (is it a verb too?) his hair. I wonder if he’ll be as bad as the intellectual hipster, except the complete opposite ideals.
Atryus
[report]wrote on November 18 2008 @ 03:53 am:
As a guy who considers himself an intellectual I would disagree
only on the word “overly"… change it to “obsessively"… I like a “moving” independent movie as much as the next “intellectual"… I also like to laugh my ass off every Monday over shows like “chuck” and “how i met your mother"…
guys like this aren’t intellectuals, they are pretentious and stuck up, and clear moronic… rest easy that these guys will find themselves alone with there subtitles when they’re 50…
Jocelyn Nubel
[report]wrote on November 18 2008 @ 10:37 am:
I dated a guy like this for a bit. While at a bar one night, he told me with a smile that I was “boisterous.” Guess what, dickface? While I might not be a master of the god damn classics, I’m smart enough to know that ain’t a compliment. Needless to say, that was the last time we went out.
Run41
[report]wrote on November 18 2008 @ 08:17 pm:
OK, this post is just too much. Seriously, being an intellectual is not the same thing as taking oneself too seriously. I don’t know how often I’ve heard women talk about how guys are so “predictable” or “childish” because we like scantily clad women and fast cars (for example). But, when you finally encounter someone who reads Emily Bronte or Toni Morrison (or frequents Oprah’s book club list...not that I do or anything), you scoff. Why? Don’t you want an adult man that’s capable of feeling something other than petulant lust? Or...is the adult-boy what you’re really looking for? The easy-to-influence, man-child that has no real goals, no real pursuits, and no ability to challenge you? After all, it’s hard to make a Lifetime TV movie about the guy who treated you like a queen. When the relationship ends, isn’t it easier to blame the hand-picked man-child...rather than thinking it may have been you? Being a martyr is so rewarding, isn’t it?
Seriously, when did being a smart person hinder someone in the relationships? I guess since this thread was started… Good luck on your pursuits to find an upside-down visor wearing Neanderthal that’s with you for your..."assets." I’m sure the local bar will provide with a plethora of choices.
juliePS
[report]wrote on November 19 2008 @ 09:58 am:
Wow, some of these comments are exactly why I tend to avoid intellectuals--the raging insecurity on everybody’s parts.
Don’t get me wrong. I have a master’s degree. I like a man who can speak in complete sentences and has interesting ideas and reads for fun. What I don’t like is being around people who treat me like I’m stupid because I own a tivo and only want to go to the opera occasionally. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with those people in the general sense; they’re just wrong for me because I am a firm believer in not taking life so seriously. it just means that I choose not to form intimate relationships with them.
EastCoastMale
[report]wrote on November 20 2008 @ 11:28 am:
Let me preface this by saying I can only comment from the male perspective of course, that being said, I dont think this was an issue of him being too intellectual but rather being pompus and condescending. It sounded to me as if he was picking exclusively “intellectual” activites for a chance to prove that he is above the fray in some way, you should ahve told him Pymalion has already been written so no need to reinvent it. I say this because there are definitely cool people of both sexes who are intellectual but dont have to act as if they are mingling with peasants or offer to automatically “explain” eveything when enjoying a cultural event. When you speak about guys watching “old school” and commenting to them on it, if that is all they watch and never venture into other realms of entertainment then that is probably justified but there is always a happy mix. A nice guy who enjoys indie films but can appreciate the overt sexual humor of quagmire. Leaving one extreme ina relationship and then looking for the opposite right away may lead to overcompensation, feeling that you need someone totally opposite of the person you just left, not that its a bad thing we probably all do it. Just dont let this experience sour you completely on artsy intellectuals, there are good guys out there who dont have to be an ass to their dates to make themselves feel better. =)
Throne of Cynicism
[report]wrote on November 21 2008 @ 05:05 am:
I have to agree with ECM, that pompous and condescending is the guy, not the intellectualism.
The reason he glorifies his understanding of the arts over the rest of the Plebeians is because he isn’t interesting or funny. And what’s worse is that “intellectual” probably isn’t accurate because I doubt he’s that smart.
I’ve seen a decent amount of artsy or foreign films but not enough to consider myself an authority on them. it’s generally not my thing, i like books better (not to sound like a snob there either, i was an english major. I just like words better than the talkies)...but I digress.
I have a friend that has been making friends with several people who fancy themselves quite the film buff. And with only one exception they’re all assholes as described.
It annoys me though, because any time I try to hold an intelligent conversation with them about film it goes terribly awry. The assholes I mentioned can never give a reasonable, cogent answer as to why they (dis)liked a movie. They are more or less completely full of #### in everything they say except for when they can quote a legit source that DID say something intelligent about the movie.
An yet, that one exception I mentioned, the guy who can give intelligent, well- thought out responses to his feelings on a film… That guy has never tried to explain something, been condescending, or suggested someone “didn’t get it.”
He never bothers because he DOESN’T CARE. He watches film for the film itself. He legitimately understands and appreciates the art because he likes it, not because he wants to portray himself in a certain light.
Honestly he’s a weird dude I’m not too high on but I can respect that he lights art and foreign films for the right reasons.
So yeah in summary. Intellectuals are fine but condescending snobs… not so much.
EastCoastMale
[report]wrote on November 21 2008 @ 10:18 am:
@ ToC. I agree, I think that your separation of the defintion of the word intellectual from someone thinking they are smart is the key here. It’s almost as if the previously mentioned snobs and A’wads want to add bullets to their arsenal with which to assail others who dont assert their opinions as fact or speak up all the time. I do have to chuckle though, the people that put up with such characters are few in number and hold a small percentage of being liked by others overall. Its enough tow atch a movie, enjoy it for your own reasons and discuss it with others without having to put people down because you “think” your way is right.
Esther Sosis
[report]wrote on November 23 2008 @ 12:10 am:
Okay ECG - are you single????
EastCoastMale
[report]wrote on November 24 2008 @ 11:06 am:
Esther, I dont know if you were reffering to me or not lol I looked back to make sure the person who posted the article didnt have those initials and if you are in fact referring to me then yes, I am. I like to post my thoughts from my own previous experiences and from others around me. ..why do you ask?
Esther Sosis
[report]wrote on November 24 2008 @ 11:49 am:
Because if you are - I’m demanding a date!
EastCoastMale
[report]wrote on November 24 2008 @ 12:22 pm:
You have mail =)
Amelia
[report]wrote on November 24 2008 @ 12:28 pm:
@Esther Sosis @EastCoastMale Please keep us posted—we might have our first Frisky love match!
EastCoastMale
[report]wrote on November 24 2008 @ 12:41 pm:
Hehe, wow I am fairly new to the site but I am really enjoying it. I am surprised that situation hasnt taken place already. As far as keeping you posted, we shall see lol