Dealbreaker: The Never Nude Dude
Posted by: Elizabeth Kaufman
Filed in:
relationships
8:38AM, Monday September 8th 2008
If you’re an Arrested Development fan (if you’re not, shame on you!) you’ve certainly had a good laugh or three at Tobias Funke, the never-nude. In sitcom humor, the idea of a grown man who refuses to be naked is funny but, let me tell you, in real life it is not. In fact, it’s near tragic.
My first boyfriend was, well, my first everything. He certainly wouldn’t have won a Brad Pitt lookalike contest, in fact, he probably wouldn’t have even been invited to compete, but he was funny and that’s how he hooked me. We were both in high school, but he had more bedroom experience than I did so I always let him take the lead, which is why I never questioned his insistence on leaving on his undershirt. That’s right, he’d take off his polo or his long-sleeve t-shirt but never that white Hanes V-neck. I always thought he kept it on just in case the parents returned home early. Now that I look back on it, I see how absurd that was.
A few boyfriends and some actual chest-on-chest contact later, I met another great guy. Again, he wasn’t signing any modeling contracts, but, to me, he was sexy as hell. The first time we had sex the shirt stayed on, but I assumed it was because we were too passionate and there just hadn’t been time to remove the extra layer. It wasn’t until the next day when flashbacks of my ex began to creep in that I feared I had another never-nude on my hands. Immediately, it became my job to get those nipples exposed. I’d playfully tug at it and beg, “I want this to come off.” But my pleas always seemed to go unnoticed (though he’d always seem to hear me when I’d ask him to go faster—go figure.) I pushed the issue a few more times but was afraid bringing it up too much would make him even more self-conscious.
After a few weeks of shirted sex, I figured I should try something else: back rubs! He was super receptive—he even leaned into me and told me how great it felt. I took that as my cue to try for the undress. Failure. He pulled it back down before I even got it above his belly button. Then I hit a tense spot and he asked, “Do I have knots?!”
“I don’t know, I think I need to see it to find out. Let’s take this off.”
“Let’s go to the movies!” he fired back, yet again keeping himself hidden.
Now, at first glance this shouldn’t be labeled as a dealbreaker. After all, he was incredible in bed, funny, charismatic and all that cutesy crap. My issues set in when I realized something made me feel oddly vulnerable about being the only one who’s butt-naked. I’m no Gisele Bundchen, and my tummy looks more like a bundt cake than it does a pancake, but I buy into that romantic notion that if you really love someone, you love their flaws, too. My imperfections were out there for the whole world to see, but these guys wouldn’t undress because of a little belly pudge? Plus, perhaps even more unfortunate, it completely ruled out any possibility of shower sex.
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toyen
wrote on September 8 2008 @ 11:10 am: [report]
Oh, I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s had an experience like this. A guy I’d dated undressed for me once and was wearing a compression undershirt to help him look like he had a better physique (http://www.underworks.com/998.html). I’d never seen one before and was pretty horrified, not to mention turned off! I’m a curvy gal and I think honesty is the best policy!
Leigh Raines
wrote on September 9 2008 @ 11:00 am: [report]
keeping the socks on grosses me out.
kris
wrote on September 11 2008 @ 04:12 am: [report]
i’d never take my shirt of as well: a) when women put on a bit of weight, it still looks aesthetically pleasing, cause it will be “spread out” evenly. not so for the guys: it’s just gonna be on the belly. yuck. i hate it but that’s genetics apparently. b) welcome to the 21st century - magazine covers and what not seem to suggest that anything below a six pack is unacceptable. I’d never let a girl grab my belly fat, it’d be too embarrassing.
Sue
wrote on September 11 2008 @ 11:32 am: [report]
Awwwl. wow well that would probably be like me in that case. I mean yes i would get naked with man I love. but i would want to walk around without my shirt on.
Isnt it obvious? He’s insecure about his abs. I can totally understand that. Its kind of bittersweet and sad at the same time. I’ve felt like that most of my pre-teen to even my adult life now. Now matter what I do, no matter how much I eat or dont eat. I cant seem to completely get ride of my belly fat.
Im surprised you didnt ever get that he was just alittle self-concious and insecure about it. And he was probably just scared you’d think he was chubby or fat or judge him in some way. even if you didnt. I know exzactly how he feels.
and its a proven fact that men and women get really self-concious about our bodies growing up during that time of adolencance.
Sue
wrote on September 11 2008 @ 11:46 am: [report]
I cant believe it thats sad, and hillarious all at the same time. I thought women were the only ones that wore slimming undergarments or gurtles. HA HA.
Honestly, I’ve seen some men with big grose beer guts and honestly they could use some of these slimming undergarments.
Sue
wrote on September 11 2008 @ 12:10 pm: [report]
awwwwwl. poor kris. well but what if you meet a girl who like chubby or really fat teddy bear types??
would you be more secure around someone like that. I mean we all have our own insecurities but you cant hide your body over such things either? :(
brandon
wrote on September 12 2008 @ 08:30 am: [report]
I tend to start out with a shirt on until I get some heat generated…then it’s gone. But once I had a girl-friend who was notorious for destroying my back with her nails… I mean it was dreadfully painful to get in the shower with “Wolverine” marks in my back that didn’t heal for days. Some would see those as passion,love,trophy marks.. All I know is that shampoo in those bad boys stung so bad, I thought I’d been grazed by a bullet- I kept my t-shirt on for her. With regard to socks however, I keep socks on if it’s daytime or early evening and I have plans to flee the scene shortly there after LOL Call it crazy, but it makes getting dressed and scampering away a lil easier if you can make conversation as you go: boxers, t-shirt/shirt, jeans, shoes, jacket, talk to you later. There’s no room in there for socks!
Josh
wrote on September 13 2008 @ 03:00 pm: [report]
The thing about socks is, some of us guys aren’t as fastidious about clipping our toe nails as we might be. After a couple of weeks, they have a tendency to scratch and get caught on sheets. So, it’s either leave the socks on or interrupt the moment to go grab some clippers—which is decidedly not hot.
Sue
wrote on September 13 2008 @ 03:50 pm: [report]
I dont care about socks. all the men I’ve messed around with in the past were all just a one time thing and most of the guys I either never saw again.
Or we would only meet a few times and then we’d just go our seperate ways. And maybe there were a few phone calls. But that was it and then I would kind of go my own way after that.
So personally I never really had a lover that I meet with on a regular basis it was all either spontanious or just a one time thing. So I never really noticed or cared about leaving any kind of clothing on.
Sue.
Sue
wrote on September 13 2008 @ 03:53 pm: [report]
Oh and about the back scrating. She should either had no finger nails or. Had her finger nails trimmed back. So she wouldnt leave abrasions on your back while you pleasured her. But yeah women love to scratch our man’s back and run and dig our finger tips into his back if and while he’s doing a good job.
I dont know why. I guess thats our way of holding on to (said) guy while he’s getting off. and it is a very vigurious movement so its nice to have the other person to hold on to depending on how fast and how deep he’s going in and out.
Sue.
Sue
wrote on September 13 2008 @ 04:00 pm: [report]
Um here’s a good idea joshy. if you have as regular schedule that you have sex on. Then when your not getting it on with your girlfriend at said time then trim your finger nails.
ya know like after you get up, before you go to bed at night etc.
Sue
wrote on September 15 2008 @ 02:28 am: [report]
Brandon. Why didnt you just ask her to trim her finger nails. Honestly that isnt uncommon for a woman to dig her finger tips or nails into her lovers back especially if your doing a good job.
I’ve heard of one other girl that did that. They called that sexual position the beast with 2 backs.
and you could try bathing instead of showering.
and again say WOMAN! trim your fingernails. Or no sex.
Believe me even if she was stuborn she’ll comply when she gets needy enough for it. And Its weird that she dug her nails so deep into your back. Thats not natural.
I personally no matter how hard your pleasured you shouldnt break skin on the other person.
mikael christiansen
wrote on October 14 2008 @ 08:50 am: [report]
nudity is one of the most natural to us people are simply ashamed of our natural nudity