Dealbreaker: The Lightweight
Posted by: Jessica Bartlett
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Monday October 20th 2008
The Brit was someone I can describe only as Lord Marcus on “Gossip Girl.” Well, except for the title and the vast family riches. Nine years older than me, the Brit was a U.K. transplant in the banking industry and a sweet, sweet man. Not only did he own a house across the pond, but he would sometimes bring small index cards on which he’d previously jotted down the names of nice restaurants we could go to after quick drinks or karaoke, depending on where we had agreed to meet. He was thoughtful, attentive, and thoroughly romantic, especially with that hot British accent.
One night, after an insanely fun night of boozy karaoke and a seafood dinner with entree-appropriate wine, he dropped me off at the door of my apartment. He then swept me up in his arms and spun me around, right in next to a busy street, for God and everyone else to see. I was floored. This was the stuff of Seventeen magazine fairytale dates – the ones I had looked forward to in high school that never materialized…until now. Giggling and semi-swooning, I kissed him goodnight and walked up the stairs to my apartment happy.
The next day, he called me, and I picked up right away. After a bit of small talk, he began speaking at a rapid-fire pace: “I’m sorry about last night. I was really quite drunk, and I hope I didn’t say anything to offend you.” I was immediately confused. Was his PDA a result of his feelings or of the booze? I certainly remembered everything that was said, and we had had roughly the same amount to drink. I brushed it off, chalking it up to first-few-dates jitters about not wanting to take things too far.
On a later date, we watched the sun set over the river as we drank green-apple martinis that seemed highly appropriate as the summer came to an end. He held my hand and told me how beautiful I was and afterward took me to an expensive old-school restaurant on an impulse (on account of my beautiful sun dress, he said). When the drinks menu landed on our table, he looked at me and said, “I’m going to stop. I so enjoy talking to you, and I feel that the alcohol clouds our conversations.” I suddenly didn’t know what to do. Yes, he was probably right, but I wanted a cocktail. Or some wine. Or both. I didn’t consider myself an alcoholic, but was I supposed to censor myself on account of him being a lightweight? I got a cosmo anyway (the green-apple martinis called for one, I think), but I felt guilty for doing so.
On our last date of that summer, the Brit took me to an American restaurant, and to follow suit, I brought him to my regular bar. As we walked there, I found myself turning around and saying, “You okay? You okay for another drink?” We’d only had a glass of wine so far. We went to the bar and had a couple of Coors Lights, and he talked to one of the regulars for 10 minutes while I sat silent. I knew he must be drunk. At the end of the night, he spun me around in front of my apartment again, but this time I knew he was wasted. One glass of wine and two Coors Lights did this boy in. And that, as a Jack Daniels-swilling, multiple-Bud Light-ordering, vodka-tonic-heavy-on-the-vodka-specifying, red-blooded American woman was something I just couldn’t abide.
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Mike
wrote on October 20 2008 @ 10:01 am: [report]
I’m surprised the British haven’t revoked his citizenship. Could’ve been worse though. Spinning and drinking are a questionable combo.
ClatieK
wrote on October 20 2008 @ 12:38 pm: [report]
This makes me sad. For you, the writer. The guy wants to interact with you without the cloudiness of alcohol and you don’t like it? He sounds like an amazing man, especially when so many people have troubles in the other direction.
Amelia
wrote on October 20 2008 @ 12:44 pm: [report]
But I think there is a happy medium between a guy who gets wasted on dates and a guy who won’t share a bottle of wine because he has the tolerance of a 2-year old.
Simosa
wrote on October 20 2008 @ 01:10 pm: [report]
You might be surprised to find out he’s actually an alcoholic. Most alcoholics cannot hold their liquor and it shows, even after the first glass.
Writer must be in her 20s…because perspective on drinking is very juvenile.
Writer must also live in NYC which really annoys me because if you lived anywhere else in the US and ran down that list of cocktails you consumed - you’d pray you were dating a guy who didn’t drink just so you made it home okay.
lilo
wrote on October 20 2008 @ 01:39 pm: [report]
I think the writer has the problem. The fact that the guy wanted to have a clear-headed conversation with her should be refreshing. And, quite frankly, if you are confident in your own decisions, you can feel perfectly comfortable having a drink or two when someone else abstains. Wasn’t there a dealbreaker about the guy who drank TOO much? Maybe there should be some matchmaking….
Allison
wrote on October 20 2008 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
I lived in London for a couple of years for my first big job. They drink like mad, and all the time. Once, the British people at our firm took me and the other American girl out for dinner at one of the famous Brick Lane Indian restaurants. We met after work at 6:30, where they suggested cocktails. We didn’t get to the restaurant until past 10PM. Four bars, at least six drinks before I lost count.
I have to agree with some here. The guy might be from an alcoholic family, or just might not like himself when he’s been drinking. I like him more as he is described. I was a little sad reading this, too. He sounds like a major catch. How could this be a dealbreaker?
Jessica Bartlett
wrote on October 20 2008 @ 01:47 pm: [report]
Feel free to make yourselves feel better by calling me sad and juvenile, but I am a writer in New York who loves her city, her public transportation, and her life. I believe I stated repeatedly that he IS a nice guy—probably one of the nicest I’ve met in the city. For me, dudes need to be able to hold a moderate amount of liquor rather than either drinking the bar dry or blacking out after two G and Ts. And, for the record, I have dated alcoholics before, and that’s no fun either. If y’all would like to make awkward chit-chat over cappuccinos on the first three or four dates, be my guest. That’s just not my style.
Amelia
wrote on October 20 2008 @ 01:49 pm: [report]
@Jessica Barlett I’m with you, Jessica. The column isn’t “Guys That Suck: The Lightweight”—it’s “Dealbreaker”. For you, the fact that he can’t hold his booze is a dealbreaker, but that doesn’t make him a bad person.
A dealbreaker for me that some may find offensive? I really can’t handle a guy in mandles. Shallow? Yes. But I don’t care!
Anya
wrote on October 21 2008 @ 08:21 am: [report]
Writer - This isn’t Sex and the City.
Jessica Bartlett
wrote on October 21 2008 @ 08:56 am: [report]
Anya: I have no idea what you meant by that. But I certainly wish I were living Sex and the City! My wardrobe would be a lot more fabulous, and my apartment would be way bigger.
ShortStack
wrote on October 21 2008 @ 03:07 pm: [report]
For me, if I were in this situation, the problem wouldn’t be that it didn’t take much for him to become rather intoxicated, it would be that he regretted his spontaneous, welcome and romantic gestures toward me while he was under the influence of alcohol.
MissChaotic
wrote on October 22 2008 @ 10:51 pm: [report]
@ Shortstack….I thought I was the only one who felt the same way.
@Jessica…I liked the article. Those who don’t, get over it. Its the internet and there are better things out there that you can be doing instead of complaining about someone else being picky in their own life.
More girls nee to be picky…I bet that would retard the growth of abuse and dating losers.
Melissa
wrote on October 23 2008 @ 12:40 am: [report]
What an excellent article!! Exactly what I’ve always tried to articulate to my friends, who just don’t understand that I’d like a guy to be able to drink as much as I can. I’m certainly not an alcoholic, but it’s sad if he’s drunk before I am. Believe you me, the awkward cappuccino date is MUCH less fun than the laugh-filled, go out to the bars date!
lightweight too
wrote on October 23 2008 @ 08:10 am: [report]
I felt sad to but not in the way any other poster mentioned. You see I am a lightweight - having 1 g&t;fine, two I am drunk, three = sick. I could never mix a beer with a cocktail or even two different types of liquor. It instantly makes me really sick.
I rarely drink - because it doesn’t agree with me - and signals from the body should not be ignored.
I was uninitiated about alcohol myself when I accidently married an alcoholic because I didn’t know how to recognise one. It is a special kind of hell I wish on no one. I respect and admire people who know their limit, bodies and treat themselves and other people with respect.
It is my opinion that people should not be judged for things about themselves that they cannot control, gender, genetics, color - and felt sad this poor man was wasted on someone who judged him due to his body chemistry and agreed with the poster who said it was sad he regretted his spontaneous emotional expression.
It might be considered that when you encounter a person who doesn’t drink or drinks lightly - and cannot “keep up” - to inquire why compassionately and you might learn a few things about him and yourself.
No it is not a dealbreaker - in fact I wish there were more like him.
ShortyDooWop
wrote on October 23 2008 @ 10:10 am: [report]
I totally agree with the lightweight-ness as a deal breaker!!! I can’t stand when I can out drink a guy! There are plenty of sill deal breakers, so why pick on the writer for her choice? Plenty of women don’t want to date a man that is shorter than she, and he can’t help that, so is that woman terrible for her choices???
kim
wrote on October 23 2008 @ 03:02 pm: [report]
I completely agree with ditching the lightweight. But then I’m British, and according to all of you we’re all alcoholics!
lrn
wrote on October 23 2008 @ 07:24 pm: [report]
Well, I’m a girl and I’m a light weight, and like it that way. And now and then work folks tease me, probably for same reason you don’t like this dude. I say to each her own. I wouldn’t want someone who rejects me b/c I’m a lightweight, but that’s just one of many reasons that somenone can reject me. So, you and this guy just aren’t compatible. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with him being lightweight, or with you not liking it. Move on for both of your sakes. And if he’s cute, give him my number !
Hmm
wrote on October 26 2008 @ 10:11 am: [report]
I have to agree the writer comes across as juvenile. On a general note, it’s also unfortunate that we live in a society where it’s considered strange that you would abstain from a particular drug. Most people seem to assume that if you don’t drink, then you’re a reformed alcoholic, religious, or have some ethical or medical/health reason not to do so, rather than just not feeling like drinking.
I drank and used recreational drugs as a teenager, I suppose it provided some entertainment, but really the reason for it was simply because it was the standard accepted behavior for people of that age. I never made any conscious decision to “quit” or anything, it just ended up being something I did less and less habitually. Looking back, I suppose I regard alcohol as mostly a waste of money, and not particularly enjoyable with regard to either taste (wine/whiskey connoisseurs are surely deluding themselves) or the effect of the drug.
Also, I think a lot more people have problems with alcohol than just the stereotypical alcoholic. Like the writer of this article, a lot of people just regard alcohol use as expected behavior, and many people seem to require it in order to do things that they’re too inhibited to do without alcohol, like flirting, speaking their mind, enjoying the company of friends or just having fun, which is quite sad.
Colette
wrote on October 26 2008 @ 11:30 am: [report]
Wow, you have a problem because this guy couldn’t hold his liquor?? Where are your priorities? You’re obviously confused on what matters and what doesn’t in a relationship. Coming from somebody who is involved with somebody who has a serious drinking problem who’s currently sober, you should consider yourself lucky. Maybe you’re the one with the drinking problem, not him.