Dealbreaker: The Guy Who Didn’t Want Head

Nuri Hole
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 11:07 am: [report]

Excellent post.  As a guy, I will say that blowjobs are among my favorite things.

Taurwen
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 11:35 am: [report]

I really enjoy giving blow jobs as well. I felt really weird when one of my girlfriends said the very idea of giving one made her nauseous, I couldn’t help but go “But… But… Why?!”

That being said, I don’t care for a guy going down on me, but I don’t think I’d ever refuse if he seemed rather eager to do so, I’d assume it did the same thing to him as giving a blow job would for me.

Mariana
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 11:51 am: [report]

I could not agree more. I really feel insulted if a guy refuses, it probably bothers me as much as guys who do not return the favor.

There’s nothing more mood-ending then hearing: “No thanks, it doesn’t get me off”.

DubiousDebbie
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 11:59 am: [report]

So, instead of having a conversation about what you like and what he likes in bed, you just said nothing and never called him again? Way to think outside the box, girl! You managed to take something that the guy almost certainly feels #&@$% about anyway, and somehow made it all about you. Hyper-lame.

Mich
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 12:11 pm: [report]

I agree! I LOVE giving my boyfriend blowjobs, the idea of it gets me so excited, and his reactions to my efforts get me even more excited. I once dated a guy I knew I didn’t really like, and I knew right from the beginning that was going nowhere… but I was alone and needed some relief. Needless to say, the idea of having his thing even near my mouth was quickly out of my head. It is something really intimate.

Cat
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 01:30 pm: [report]

Perhaps that guy had some issues…but I totally would have acted the same if I were in the situation. I might ask him about it if I really like him, but I feel like he should have given more of an explanation because he should know that nobody likes rejection.

Anyway, um I love giving head, too! Yay! It’s definitely something reserved for special someones for me.

J
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 04:11 pm: [report]

I love giving head as well! I totally agree with the power thing. I just feel so hot, esp when I can hear/see how much he’s getting out of it! But yeah. Def a very intimate thing!

ShortyDooWop
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 11:34 pm: [report]

I love giving head…now.  It took some practice to get invested in the BJ but boy am I glad I did!  I love receiving also!!!  That’s my absolute necessity!!!  Anywho…when a guy says, “BJs don’t get me off,” I feel like it’s my civic duty to give him his first Oral O!

Erosia
wrote on November 4 2008 @ 09:47 am: [report]

I know guys will sometimes bail on a relationship if their partner won’t give head too. I know it was a factor in my parents’ divorce, though I wish I could wipe my knowledge of that fact from my brain. Ew!

willie
wrote on November 4 2008 @ 10:52 am: [report]

I like for her to blow me, but I most certainly enjoy kissing her (culo)a-hole” and (chocha) p***y”
No doubt!I have to like her a lot…..If she does not like it, No questions asked, not a bright future in store….

miss understood
wrote on November 4 2008 @ 02:16 pm: [report]

Well, it is nice you feel so strongly about pleasing another- but if the guy didn’t want it then you should respect that. Some people have problems with certain sexual acts because of past experiences or just because. Why should you judge him on it? I know I wouldn’t like a man getting all emotional on my rejecting his offer to give oral. (I know I wouldn’t because I have had that happen before..talk about irritating).
Just try to see it from his pont of veiw.

Rachel Kramer Bussel
wrote on November 4 2008 @ 05:13 pm: [report]

I definitely am not saying this guy should have let me do it if he didn’t want to. But these columns are about dealbreakers, things that make you not interested in the other person, and, well, this is definitely one of them. I’m not judging him, just saying that I couldn’t date him - I am sure there are plenty of girls who’d love a guy who didn’t want head!

BKjazzed
wrote on November 5 2008 @ 10:00 am: [report]

What bothers me most is his reason- that it doesn’t usually make him come anyway.  It just makes the guy sound like he’s completely “goal-oriented” rather than relaxing and enjoying the total experience.

willie
wrote on November 5 2008 @ 10:29 am: [report]

This is a very interesting topic, could you imagine marriage without pre-marital sexual intercourse? is more like buying a pair of shoes without trying them on…not a good idea!...my point is, I read all this comments about how different people feel about giving or receiving oral sex”...What’s to debate?
I had a girlfriend with a similar problem…yes! you heard me, problem!!!!! I met her, she was a virgin,and quickly learned how to give a pretty crafty BJ”, on the other hand, she opposed me to reciprocate..Apparently she thought that I was just doing this for her, when in reality I get just as much satifaction…It took a lot of patience, time , dialog, to uncover Why”? And like most people,the up-bringing played an important role.. Now she is enjoying a very healthy and complete sexual life.
Ps: Don’t knock it until you give it a LONG GOOD TRY!!!!

shana
wrote on November 5 2008 @ 12:27 pm: [report]

I think a big part of this conversation is that he didn’t just turn the BJ away, he said it was because he usually doesn’t get off that way.  I’ve had this happen before and it does feel like a shot at your pride and a doubt of your ability.  Whereas, if he had said, I just really don’t like it, it would have been different.

It’s an example of one person limiting your relationship by their past experiences and seems to be an issue of not being open to new things.  That’s where it’s a deal-breaker for me.

christianay
wrote on November 5 2008 @ 08:32 pm: [report]

I, too, feel like it’s a duty to give a guy their first orgasm from a blow job. I really like widening their horizons. I would feel like a guy who says he never comes from it is just a quitter. i’ve had one experience when the guy wasn’t even erect minutes into it. i admit that i stopped trying when i realized it—it was just too weird to try on a flaccid penis.

fluffyh
wrote on November 6 2008 @ 05:58 am: [report]

Urgh! My ex didn’t want blowjobs! He was like “they just don’t do anything for me” WELL SCREW YOU.

My boyfriend now loves my blowjobs (and this is AFTER he’d told me he wasn’t able to come from them) and heartily welcomes me giving them to him. :D

starrxxx
wrote on November 6 2008 @ 06:14 am: [report]

I was married to a man that would not allow me anywhere near his penis with my mouth. Whenever I would beg, yea I said beg, to give him a little oral pleasure his standard response was as follows: “Girlfriends give blowjobs, not wives. If you want to do that, that would make you a Whore”. WOW, lets just say this summed up his twisted way of thinking about alot of things. The things he enjoyed before we married were very different. Needless to say we are currently going through a divorce. There is something to be said for really “knowing” the person you are with. So… dealbreaker for me? ABSOLUTELY! (and no not the only reason for the divorce)

Lacey
wrote on November 6 2008 @ 04:38 pm: [report]

At first, my boyfriend was uncomfortable because his nerves made it hard for him to get off.  He was afraid he would hurt my feelings if he didn’t get off, and he was even more afraid that if he did, he would go in my mouth.  It took a lot of reassurance, but he finally realized that I loved every part of him and his body and found nothing about him gross.  (I even think his farts are cute!)

ruth
wrote on November 7 2008 @ 08:53 am: [report]

The heck! I can’t imagine a guy who doesn’t want an oral. My boyfriend always begs me to give him one when we’re in bed, and he always reciprocates by going down on me, too. But then, different strokes for different folks apply even for sex.

Pixie
wrote on November 7 2008 @ 10:57 am: [report]

Just in the past couple of years I’ve realized how much giving head turns me on. Definitely part of my foreplay with my man.

Pipi
wrote on November 7 2008 @ 12:52 pm: [report]

The first guy I ever had sex with didnt like to be given head. At 18 I found this very strange. But he has been the first I have ever met that was like that.

His rational is great. I guess I should stop having sex with real live men then because I dont come that way. Lol.

Katia
wrote on November 7 2008 @ 08:54 pm: [report]

It would be a deal breaker for me as well. I love to give blow jobs. If a guy told me he didn’t like them or couldn’t get off, I’d always be suspicious that he had some sort of sexual hang up, or - at the very least - that he was a really uptight person. While I would respect his preferences, I’m not sure that I would feel free to be myself in intimate situations with someone who imposed restrictions on something that seems to be such an essential form of sexual expression to me.

jackson
wrote on November 8 2008 @ 08:46 am: [report]

it seems pretty basic - if a woman offers to give you head, you say yes. guy sounds like a tool.

Renee
wrote on November 8 2008 @ 11:13 am: [report]

I wish I could find my rhythm (ha, so to speak) and comfort with performing this act. My soon-to-be ex enjoyed it, but he was so extra sensitive and “finished” so quickly that I didn’t learn much. Not too long ago a guy I’ve known quite a long time bowed out on that and I was surprised I felt rejected. Maybe somewhere between hello and the ripping off of the clothes there needs to be a “so you like oral sex?” comment to avoid the rejection and awkwardness.

Youra truly, Rico
wrote on November 9 2008 @ 05:21 am: [report]

Wow, I truly agree with giving someone pleasure is the most powerful way to express yourself and give all yourself to that person. I love going down on a woman and give her a piece of me that leaves her shivering. My girl loves when I go down on her but she hate’s to give me a BJ cause she can’t make me ***. But I told her I still love it cause it arouses me like no other. Turns me on. But I sure love the feeling of pleasing her. Does it ever turn me on.

John
wrote on November 9 2008 @ 12:44 pm: [report]

Well this guy wasn’t very diplomatic but I see his point.  For guys it can be very difficult to believe that the girl really enjoys doing it (I guess everyone sees everything from their own point of view), no matter what she says (you guys lie to us a lot and expect us to know when not to take it at face value) so it makes some of us feel guilty if we say yes.  Especially because a lot of you pin such a selfish attitude on us, which we have to spend our lives trying to disprove.

Also, all those pointy teeth can really hurt (don’t kid yourself, your tongue/lips can’t cover all of them), there’s no one to hug (or at least fondle if you aren’t the mushy needy type like me), and if it does go all the way the girl may suddenly realize she WASN’T so psyched after all, and now I’m SUCH a jerk (why should my good time make someone I like gag?!) ... plus now I owe her a favor that I would have been much more into giving about ten seconds ago (so it helps me if her turn comes first, but girls usually want to be the one to initiate).  So it’s just nowhere near as much fun as good ol’ sex.  Still, it’s a huge turn-on that the girl even wants to do it, so it can be fun as foreplay.

I had only one girlfriend where I flat out said no to BJs, and honestly that was because I knew I’d be expected to reciprocate and ... well, there was a hygiene issue that I just didn’t have the heart to bring up.  I mean I know there’s only so much that’s possible but it would be nice if there’d been soap involved at SOME point in the last 24 hours.  I sure do my part.

dave
wrote on November 10 2008 @ 02:15 am: [report]

I realize this is a mostly hetero blog, but perhaps over 40 years of giving—and receiving—truly spectacular head gives this gay man the privilege of writing.

Besides the proximity of the organs of sight, taste, smell, and hearing are present as well as touch, satisfying one’s partner with one’s mouth is so great because of what mouths DO, like kiss, and speak “I love you.” I was puzzled for a moment when one guy wrote above that there was no one he could hug or fondle when receiving head. Then I realized I almost always am in the 69 position while giving head, and there’s plenty to hug from that alignment! (Grabbing his buttocks to pull him in deeper to my thoat springs to mind.)

When oral sex is simultaneously reciprocal, when satifying your partner orally while (s)he is satisfying you is, to me, the horizontal manifestaion of the golden rule:  I am doing unto others EXACTLY what they are doing unto me.  And when in that process, when we are both really into it, and when I’m not sure where my body ends and his/her body begins, when I get into that Zen mode of realizing that we are all one, now THAT’s great sex, isn’t it?

Paris
wrote on November 10 2008 @ 06:01 am: [report]

I don’t mind giving head. I am not particularly enthusiastic about it. However, I do give my compliments to the ladies that find it stimulating. When I do engage in oral stimulation with my fiance I do it because I am thinking about his pleasure etc.

It is one thing to want to pleasure someone, but quite another to forcefully insist that you can please them, and RIGHT NOW.

Odds are the man in question didn’t want to admit to not liking head because that would be a violation of the “man rules” (I have many guy friends who explain such things). Not liking oral for a guy is equivalent to not like boobs. If you don’t like it in guy culture that makes you one odd duck. In my opinion he was saving his pride when he said he “didn’t get off” that way. That’s man-speak for “I don’t really dig it”.

Remember most men associate ejaculation with the ultimate sensation. So it seems to me that his refusal of your oral was simply his method of saying he’d prefer something else. We all know that men are not the most articulate when one brain (his member) is activated his other one goes dormant.

I know its a deal-breaker for you girlie, but I think what he meant to communicate to you was lost in translation. I can appreciate women being more open-minded these days, but it becomes an issue when they are dumping men who don’t conform to what they think “must” exist in the bedroom. Standards are fine, but this seems to have killed before the actual sex got started.

Paris
wrote on November 10 2008 @ 06:10 am: [report]

Oh quick thought I had just after I posted:

I think the reason that it bothers me that you proclaimed his dismissal of your offer of oral sex was a deal-breaker was because there was no mention of what you offered him as an alternative.

Sure, he shot down your Plan A for impressing him in the bedroom. So go to Plan B. Ask him what he would prefer you do to get him off, or to get things started. Could be that he wanted something a little less conventional? You could have had mind blowing sex, but that train left the station!

If you are truly interested in engaging in an exchange of intimacy then part of being a good lover is working with your partner to make it just as entertaining for him/her as for you. Sure you get off and get turned on by a BJ, but if your partner doesn’t then there is no mutual exchange.

Some of the best lovers I’ve ever had brought with them for our various encounters a “goodie bag”. If they don’t like one thing its almost certain they’ll like another. Be creative and up to the challenge. He doesn’t want your BJ then maybe he’ll want another one of your A Team that lined up!

Knock his socks off in various ways! This ensures your unique ability to maintain him and him you.

EastCoastMale
wrote on March 6 2009 @ 10:35 am: [report]

As a guy who has never orgasmed purely from a blowjob, without helping in some way, I can state I feel somewhat the same as the guy in the article. I feel so indifferent about it for some reason, I dont know that I would turn away a woman every time if she wanted to try but if I did stop someone short, it would be for the same reason as him and also for others. One of the things that I have to say is that I know a lot of women see it as a given, or if the guy (hasnt orgasmed from just that like me) is that way they feel all the more inclined to try and make themselves the first to get him off. What if you/she doesnt? will you be upset or puzzled?....why is this guy impossible to get off, he must not like me, he’s not attracted. It is some of those sentiments having the possibility to come out that I just avoid the whole thing mostly. I will let someone try but just dont want a woman to feel bad if she cant no matter how good she thinks she it. Plus there are other activities sexually that Id just much rather be doing with that same amount of time.

wild-ting
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 02:58 pm: [report]

I see a pretty #### and I have to taste it!

My lover who I call “pretty penis” has the most perfect ####, and I am obsessed with giving him fellatio. Before him I enjoyed giving BJs on super sensual lovers. But it wasn’t a necessity, I could do without it. Now…I live for the BJ. When I stay at his place, and he walks through the door I immediately make him drop those pants (well, I drag him to the bath for a quick wash then I get busy).

retro chic
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 04:20 pm: [report]

^ I’m sure there are ANY number of reasons, but the ultimate dealbreaker is that he’s just not saying why. Not that the newfound knowledge would change his mind, but would be a minimum act of kindness to the would-be giver of BJ so she in turn doesn’t get a complex, or waste her time. The fart issue would come out one way or the other, don’tya think? Also, I have no problem jumping up to shower or tidy if I don’t feel my daintiest; so I would expect the same. The point is, as Gabs said, know thyself, but, imo, all should come to the ol’ table with basics like clarity and consideration, even if it turns out to be an exit interview.

TaraB3ar
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 02:15 pm: [report]

My ex wanted BJ’s ALL the time..so when I started dating my now boyfriend who said he didn’t like them i was like what?! But then he explained how his psycho ex actually bit him! and ever since he’s feared it (poor guy!) Im slowly convincing him to let me try tho cuz now that im with someone who doesn’t want it I find myself wanting to give him a BJ way more!!

_jsw_
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 12:15 pm: [report]

Sorry to resurrect this - I stumbled upon it following a few other links here. As someone who has - occasionally - turned down or stopped a blow job, I thought I’d add some comments, much of which have been said above in one form or another.

The fact that the guy said “That’s okay; I don’t usually come that way anyway” almost undoubtedly did not mean “I don’t want a blow job because any act that doesn’t end in orgasm is wasted on me.” I suppose some men are that way, but odds are that’s not how to interpret what he said. The more likely interpretation is “I’m not comfortable with you giving me a blow job ____.” The “____” could be “now”, “ever”, “until we get to know each other”, “until I shower”, “because I think it’s wrong” and so on. It’s what goes in the blank that matters.

I’ve unfortunately had very little experience with BJs, having had the “wonderful” luck to tend to end up with women who weren’t into them, and, if you’ve never experienced something, you tend to not know what you’re missing. I love giving and have never been that bothered by not receiving, because, as with Rachel, the act of giving is powerfully arousing by itself. Still, I never thought I’d turn one down. However, I have, and I’ve known other men who have, and so here are some of the reasons he might have stopped you, Rachel.

First, there have been a few dates of mine who have tried and who were just so horrifically bad at it that it hurt. Literally. After a few of those experiences, especially if the guy hasn’t had any good ones, I could see thinking “blow jobs just aren’t for me.” So, in that case, it’s a sign of how bad his experiences were before, not in any way how he thinks _you’d_ be - he just assumes they’re all unpleasant.

Second, although porn videos might suggest that all men, at the drop of a hat, would be into anal sex and blow jobs with complete strangers who didn’t have money for the pizza we just delivered, some of us might like to slow down the pace of things a little, and it might just be that he thought oral sex was too intimate at the time. To me, oral sex is a lot more intimate than regular sex. Obviously, to others, it isn’t. But maybe he just wasn’t ready. At least for that.

Third, he might not have felt clean enough. Many people aren’t fans of going down on someone who is… unhygienic there, and such people also wouldn’t want someone going down on them if they felt they needed to wash up first.

Fourth, he might have felt that you felt obligated to do so or had other experiences with women who resented feeling “required” to do that. Finding out afterward that someone had secretly resented or felt compelled to do something makes you think that maybe others feel the same way.

Fifth, he might have had some guilt or inexperience or shyness issue that made him feel uncomfortable with you trying it.

Sixth, he might genuinely not be able to get off that way and didn’t want you to spend forever and wind up thinking you weren’t any good at it for him.

There are other possibilities, including the chance that he was just an ass. If you weren’t all that into him anyway, it doesn’t matter. But, in the future, if that’s the only thing wrong with a guy, it might be worth a wee bit of discussion to find out why he turned you down. It’s rare for a guy to genuinely not enjoy someone’s mouth on him, assuming they have any ability at all at it.

On the flip side, I’ve been turned away from going down on someone a few times, and it was like a slap in the face. It’s usually very well received, and it upset me to be turned away, especially because I enjoy it so much. However, with one person, I spent the time finding out _why_ I’d been turned down, and it ended up turning out very well.

fxpl
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 02:21 pm: [report]

“Because my own orgasms can sometimes take a loooong time, if they happen at all, I’d infinitely rather give a successful blow job and then have time to get to my own pleasure.”

I appreciate this sentiment. As a man, I will admit to the obviously selfish motivation for my agreement - but I’d argue that I’m only being half selfish here, and half pragmatic. I find that this methodology for sexual encounters is most effective for everyone, as it does wonders for clearing the mind of the male (in my case, at least) and allowing him to more effectively focus on his partner.

bubblegum
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 03:24 pm: [report]

Definitely! Oral Sex is one of my favorite things in the world! I rather give than receive, but I never reject!
I know i am really goo, because I enjoy it so much that I put all my effort in it.
I once told a guy I’d give him the best bj he could have ever had, and when i finished he was literally blown away!
That just excites even more, and then it makes my orgasms even stronger…
I’ll have to check out that book!