Dealbreaker: The 26-Year-Old Virgin
Posted by: Diana Vilibert
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Monday November 24th 2008
It was our first date and we talked for 10 hours straight before Jeff kissed me, shaking as he leaned in. He didn’t have to lean far—I had given him nowhere else to go when I pinned him against a chain-link fence outside the coffee shop where we had stopped to refuel. Despite my disregard for ladylike restraint, he called me the next day. And the day after that. Two months later, we were still talking and kissing, but that was it. In the time span I normally dated, slept with, and broke up with at least one guy, Jeff was still getting flustered when he accidentally grazed my cleavage.
The first time he shut down when things were getting hot and heavy, I thought he was being a gentleman. The second time, I chalked it up to performance anxiety. The third time, after spending an hour coaxing him out of his T-shirt, I started feeling less like getting it on and more like kicking him out.
“I’ve kind of never done this before,” he confessed, picking up on my frustration. I racked my brain, trying to figure out what “this” could be. “Any of this,” he interrupted my thoughts, gesturing at my bra-clad breasts and then to his T-shirt on the floor. I began questioning him for specifics, listing off sexual activities. I was his first for everything, save his first kiss, which he had done exactly once before.
At first, I felt guilty. Here I was, groping him by a dumpster on our first date and serving my tatas up on a silver platter. But as the sexless weeks dragged on, I became increasingly exasperated, forced to spend nights with my vibrator after dates limited to handholding and a kiss at the front door—with tongue if I was lucky.
His virginity in and of itself wasn’t the issue. But his game of hide the salami had me longing for simpler times, when my dates didn’t hesitate to make the first move, or any move for that matter. Jeff and I had only been dating a couple of months, and already we were in a sex slump.
He assured me that a lack of eagerness wasn’t the problem; it was an issue of losing his nerve once the gloves—and pants—were off. Unfortunately, his nerve had started hacking away at my libido. I finally lost my lady-boner for good on a movie-and-dinner date, on which I resolved to not so much as reach for his hand. His balls were in his court.
And that’s exactly where they stayed. The movie credits rolled with nary a hand on my knee, and the romantic candlelight at dinner did little more than cast a flattering glow on my scowl. By the time he pulled up to my driveway, my facial expression had clearly made him uncomfortable. He fidgeted with the air freshener, and mumbled a goodnight. I was relieved he didn’t go in for a high-five.
When I asked him what the deal was, his explanation was about as satisfying as our sex life. “Well, you didn’t really make a move, so I wasn’t sure…” he trailed off.
I ended things a few days later. Sure, I appreciate a guy who’s funny, sweet, and good-looking, but what good is all that when he’s not willing to bend you over the kitchen counter once in a while?
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EastCoastMale
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 11:30 am: [report]
Hmm….not sure how to comment on this one. I can say that from my viewpoint at least, ntos peaking for other men, but there is much more incentive to remain a gentleman and not make a move than to attempt one only to find out you were misreading signals and get brushed off or worse. I agree that if a man has confidence he can still pick up on chemistry between himself and a woman and advance the pace of things in the sexual department without risking too much. The ability to function in a budding relationship would show curiousity about the other person, attentiveness to their mood, thoughts and the vibes they are giving off (no pun intended). So basically if he is too shy and either is a true virgin, inexperienced or just too timid then it may not be an interest issue in the woman or even confidence but just a feeling of not wanting to make a false move and not being able to take it back. As for me, I love a kitchen counter =)
shannac02
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 12:14 pm: [report]
Consider yourself lucky… If you take a guy’s V-Card, you’re his booty call for life (unwritten rule, methinks). I’m speaking purely from personal experience and, of course, the guy wasn’t 26, but I’m sure Virgins are all the same?
Someone that won’t bend you over a counter, kitchen or otherwise, is just not worth the time! 
sonnie
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 12:27 pm: [report]
Taking into consideration this is his first time, why wait for him to make the first move? Show him the queue’s and lead him trough it. Maybe I’m just a teacher at heart, but I think taking the lead can be super sexy… especially when you’re dealing with those shy inexperienced types.
Lynn
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
EastCoastMale - but even if there are plenty of reasons he has for not wanting to make a move, after months of nothing I wouldn’t really care what the reasons were. All I would care about would be the fact that I wasn’t getting any! I’m surprised Diana held out as long as she did. It’s one thing to want to wait for sex, but quite another if he’s still nervous about kissing you after two months.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 01:40 pm: [report]
@Shanna, I agree but will keep my comment on that to myself as not to get in trouble=)
@Lynn, this is true and I agree with you in that I am sure if I was in her position I would be thinking “One of us needs to do something” but the fact that he s a virgin means he probably doesnt have much experience even leading up to sex to being with. Its like you said, I dont think many people would care about his reasoning because they know in their mind what they are wanting to move towards but he doesnt, he is on the flipside either not wanting to overstep his bounds or offend her in some way. Im not sticking up for his actions, or at least not trying to, just saying that I can kind of understand why he would be supershy if he has no idea what to expect whereas the recepient knows where its heading and wants it to move in that direction sooner than later.
WinkyFace
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 02:31 pm: [report]
I have a female friend who is a 26 year old virgin. Her fears of losing her virginity sound a lot like this guy’s. She doesn’t know how to make the first move, she’s not sure if a guy’s totally into her, she gets incredibly nervous past the kiss. She will be interested in a guy, but somehow he finds out she’s a virgin (not from her) and they suddenly lose interest. So what gives? She has to lose her virginity sometime, right? And the longer she waits, the more nervous she’d get and the more reluctant a guy would be to take her v-card.
Is there anyone out there who is completely fine with dating a virgin? I’ve talked to guys who are on both extremes. Either they think it’s hot and exciting to take someone’s virginity for novelty’s sake, or they’d hate to do that because they don’t want to screw it up for the person. I know I’d probably give it a try. But if he was as nervous as this guy, not even wanting to hold my hand, then I might have to say forget it.
Lynn
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 02:46 pm: [report]
@EastCoast Male - Yeah, I definitely understand why he feels this way, and why it’s hard for him and why he’s so nervous all the time. It’s not that I don’t understand it….maybe I just have a cold, black heart because even though I can empathize, it would still be a dealbreaker for me :-p
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 03:00 pm: [report]
@ Lynn Oh I dont doubt that you do lol, hope I didnt make it sound that way and sorry if I did. Yea its just one of those things, especially when confidence in a guy says a lot and making a move even if he is unsure wouldnt be the end of the world. As for being a dealbreaker….to each her own =)
shannac02
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 08:39 pm: [report]
@ EastCoastMale: You’re hilarious! Kudos to the Man among Women!
Keep it up, I love to see your posts!
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 09:11 pm: [report]
@ shanna
hilarious? really? I do take that as a compliment although Im sure there are much funnier men on this site than me =). I dont mind being in the wolf’s den so to speak lol, totally kidding I have no problem speaking among a large group of women. I try to maintain that what I post is all my own opinion and not state it as fact as well as only speaking from the male side. I keep to the “relationship” and “guys” forums as well because I have too imginative a mind and too much a drive for the sexual ones. Although I do read them I dont post to them. =)
shannac02
wrote on November 25 2008 @ 09:05 am: [report]
Well, you’re awesome! I guess its just really refreshing to see that (straight) men are not afraid to crawl into the girlie issues! Since I’m used to the boys from the midwest, this is all a great shock to me!
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 25 2008 @ 09:55 am: [report]
aww well thank you very much. I dont mind talking about any subject really, I am very open, maybe to my own detriment when it comes to certain things (wink). We definitely have those same type of guys out here on the east coast, I am currently in a town where I would say the majority of them are that way but I am moving even closer to civilization soon so that wont be a problem. Girl issues, guy issues I think they are all interesting.
DancerNinja
wrote on November 25 2008 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
Geeze, I had a similar issue with a guy, only he was 22 (not that much younger). It was painful. It was frustrating. I found myself throwing things at the door after he left and again turning me down no matter how many advances I made. And I did take the V-card, but that didn’t change his lack of libido. Seriously, why else does one date a younger man? (I’m 27.)
susann
wrote on November 29 2008 @ 01:15 pm: [report]
I took a guy’s v-card who was in his mid-20’s—I don’t think that all men have the same desire to hop into bed with every woman who comes along as easily as some appear to. My guy wanted to have some kind of connection first, which we developed over the course of a few weeks. I made the first move and subsequent moves but once we had that out of the way, things were *great* and he had quite a high libido so just because a guy is a virgin doesn’t mean he’s not dying of lust.
I wonder about men taking a woman’s virginity - it’s different from taking a man’s because it hurts and can cause some disagreeable side effects for many women. Is that a put-off for men? I’m writing a novel with a female virgin who is in her early 20s and would like some feedback. Would that be a deal-breaker for men to meet an attractive woman who was a virgin at 24? Say, she grew up in a very strict religious sect, and only recently escaped.
Limniade
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 02:59 pm: [report]
I was a 27-year-old virgin, and though I was perfectly content with the prospect of giving it up after a given time of getting to know each other and establishing a connection, I found that the second the subject of my sexual experience came up, the following second would contain my hopeful partner’s abrupt exit. It didn’t matter how cool they thought I was, or how into me they supposedly were, it was “Virgin? Seeya.”
That was intensely frustrating and personally really kind of devastating. The whole reason I *stayed* a virgin in the first place was because I didn’t *want* to end up with some guy who would spend the night and then forget my phone number. I had friends who got STDs and even unwanted pregnancies from guys who supposedly cared and then vanished. And I wasn’t asking for two months of testing, either, but surely 2-3 WEEKS wasn’t too much to ask, was it? Apparently it was. And the older I got, the worse it became. I stopped being “the girl who wanted to wait” and started being, well, “The Dealbreaker: The 26-Year-Old Virgin”. The title says it all.
I still have some bitterness around that, to be honest. As it turns out, once I discovered that the idea of a guy who would be into me for ME and be willing to wait was a total fantasy, I just found a boyfriend and did it with him after about a month (which was long enough to wait, in my mind—I have a libido too!), making sure NOT to bring up my sexual inexperience until the pants were off and I knew it was already an inevitability.
Obviously I didn’t change as a person, but the obstacle of being A VIRGIN is no longer there and thus I am now, once again, acceptable to the masses and not a freak.
Blue
wrote on December 6 2008 @ 06:08 pm: [report]
Wow, I almost fall into the same category as this guy: 26 year old virgin. Except if a girl laid herself out on a silver platter, I’d be all over it after at least the third time. And speaking on behalf of all 26 year old virgins out there who would love to be in such an enviable position: What a chump.
diesoz
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 08:13 pm: [report]
I find this article to be quite interesting. I am a 22 year old virgin dating a 27 year old virgin. It is odd enough that we managed to find each other b/c we live over nine hours apart, but we don’t seem to have the problem that guy had. Our first kiss took a bit of time, but after that particular hurdle was passed we are hardly shy in that department. Just because we don’t have sex does not mean we can’t be satisfied.
I think that this guy is of a very rare and peculiar breed to be so inexperienced and have only had one kiss in the past. It did not seem that he was so willing to learn or expand his experience either.
D_Gun
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 07:46 pm: [report]
I think this story shows a problem we have these days: the mentality that women should are “auditioning” men. A guy has to be attractive/wealthy/whatever right off, and if there’s anything unusual or problematic, out the door. (Some guys will also do this, but it’s a far, far smaller percentage of men who have that option.) Realistically, someone who’s that freaked to be around you, and still wants to be, is usually someone who has the makings of a real relationship.
I had the great fortune to know a girl who enjoyed taking the time to let me become comfortable, and it paid off for both of us in truckloads. When I played my v-card (love the term, btw), it was on the third night of the two of us sleeping in the same bed. Over the following week we tried out every surface in the room and busted a few holes in the walls.
Now I’m a confident guy (TOO confident, if you listen to my friends). I tell a woman straight out if I’m attracted to her when we meet. I take first moves, and I’ll bend the right girl over the counter several times a day, if she’s willing.
So what’s the point here? When dating, try not to see the person across the table as a partially-filled-out checklist. Get to know them, and find out of those things that are awkward or unusual at first (like a later-than-average case of virginity) are even really problems. You’ll end up with a better class of partner because of it.
mkay42484
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 08:38 pm: [report]
This article really hit close to home for me. I’m 25 and haven’t had sex, and I never really wanted to wait, but just wanted to be with someone right and where there was mutual respect and caring for one another. Most guys before my bf now were just random hookups and I never had to worry about that progression physically that many relationships tend to go through. There was no relationship. In a way, I was “safe.”
Now I’m with this guy who knows my situation and will wait, but I know it devastates him that I just can’t get the guts to go to that next level. Many aspects of the physical side, the ones that never bothered me to do with other people before, I just can’t get up the nerve to do…and when I think about it, it just confuses and frustrates me. I don’t know what’s wrong. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a psychological as well as a physical confusion.
So anyway…believe me, it’s as frustrating for us as it is for you. I just really hope I eventually reach a point where I have the same mindset as you when it comes to this!
Dr. Touch Hole
wrote on September 7 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]
Great writing; Super funny, unless you’re in that relationship. I kinda am. So I guess I’m laughing to keep from crying. “Older virgins” are an interesting breed. Different strokes for different folks?... Nonetheless, isn’t sexual expression a universal need?...The way I see it is that females spend a good portion of their life dodging unwanted meat swords, so they dismiss the idea of having an actual need for a real quasi loving penis to work it’s tantric therapy. In summary, there are some women from their previous experiences; who have been positioned psychologically not to understand the benefits of ridding a boner in a sleepless night for that deep magnetic massage it gives plus the “holy release.” So you’re never gonna hear those women make a request for dick, because they don’t even realize they need it, or understand how that could be because the DICK has been DEMONIZED/
I swear, with out this holy release, men are in for a #&@$% storm of indirect communication that is dancing around that need for a woman’s holy release. For example, I recently was receiving a spiritual/personal badgering from a distressed yoga instructor married woman and I got fed up with it; So I said: You know what your problem is!?-You don’t know ask dick!..It just so happened that I was right and sexual suppression in her marriage had occurred for several years, and the frisky kitten was awoken….if you’ve read this far then you’ve gotta read this next part cause it’s a huge kicker!....
So, I"m dating this older virgin woman who “has” ADHD and takes Adderall to remedy it. However, I don’t believe in ADHD, I think it is a product of people who have not discovered their FLOW in life(not to mention the Pharmaceutical Industrial Complex), they haven’t allowed their passion to play, they are stuck in learning and work environments that just simply are uninteresting and uncomfortable for them, so they’re antsy and scattered(I’m sure there are a lot of people who will disagree, but this is a prelude to not meeting your need for sexual expression)...So I’m talking to my lady and she doesn’t complete her sentences; She’ll say that’s what I’m talking about-see this is what happens when I don’t take my medicine-then she’ll sub consciously lick her lips like she wants to swallow me like a plum(mind you she’s a virgin, but has oraled a man) It dawned me!-through male’s intuition… that she is experiencing ADHD symptoms because she has deprived her va-j-j and mind of holy release. No wonder she can’t complete a sent…what was I talking about? Oh that’s right, women need to raise their awareness on asking for an acceptable-to them-perfect penis or suffer from who knows? ADHD? In short, ladies, behold the man gravy up your @$$