Dealbreaker: Really Bad Sex
Posted by: Anonymous
Filed in:
sex
9:00AM, Monday April 13th 2009
Peter owning up to Googling me on our first date should have been the first warning sign. Don’t get me wrong: I Google, you Google, we all Google acquaintances. Doing it in private is one thing. Saying it out loud is another.
“Did I tell you who I work for?” I asked. It was technically a blind date, as we’d corresponded only a few times through an online dating service.
“Oh, no, but I think I know,” he said.
“How is that possible?”
“Oh, well … I Googled you.” Point blank. I Googled you.
“You didn’t even know my last name …”
As we sipped our beers, the conversation felt awkward and jerky, my sentences wrongly punctuated, creating roadblocks for a smooth interaction. As one who has a hard time faking things or hiding emotions, I dropped indicators the date wasn’t going well. There were a lot of “Uhhh"s and “Ummm"s on my part, in between painful pauses. Surprisingly, Peter seemed unphased, especially when he asked if I wanted to go to dinner after we finished our beers. Ever the cheapskate, I couldn’t turn down a free meal.
Dinner went well enough. I granted Peter a second date. His childish awkwardness was endearing, right? At the end of our second date, I let him kiss me and was impressed such a beta male actually took the initiative. The kiss wasn’t something to write home about, but at least it wasn’t horrible.
An OK kiss and curiosity pushed me to set up our third date. The third date. You know, the one where it’s now acceptable to go home with someone, and possibly have sex.
I should have gotten out when my window for the end of the evening presented itself. Another awkward and slightly dull conversation ensued over drinks and appetizers near his house, yet something in me kept saying Peter had something to offer (having not had sex for a few months, any guy would have had something to offer—or so I thought).
Back at Peter’s apartment, we began making out, which was, again, OK. Things went downhill when we went into the bedroom. I’d heard of bad sex, but I didn’t truly believe in its existence. Usually, I’m able to turn mediocre sex situations into something fine through my talents. What happened next with Peter was bad sex. We’re talking epically bad, a-scene-from-an-“American Pie”-movie bad. During the first few minutes of jackhammering, I thought, OK, maybe he needs to warm up. But when it continued and increased in intensity, I started to think, You’ve got to be kidding me. Then came the audio component. As his body convulsed, a heavy breathing began. Not a sexy heavy breathing, but a fast hyperventilating that sounded asthmatic. I stifled a laugh as I listened to the repeated, wheezing “Hee-haw, hee-haw, hee-haw” in my ear.
Just as I was about to reach my limit of 13-year-old boy sex, he finally finished. Wow, lesson learned, I thought as I stared at the ceiling. Next time I’m horny, I’ll need to think twice about what’s good enough.
He got up to go to the bathroom. Now was the time to plan my exit. I put on my underwear, bra, and shirt, and sat up on the far side of the bed, waiting for him to return. He’d see I was getting ready to leave, so it wouldn’t appear to be an abrupt goodbye. I didn’t get the chance to even begin by goodbyes when Peter entered the room, shut off all the lights, crawled into bed, and got ready to go to sleep. I sat in the pitch black, still upright, dumbfounded. What was I supposed to do now? I couldn’t leave when it was bedtime.
As I lay down and wrapped the blanket around me, Peter raised his hand to switch on something near his bedside table. After a click, I heard a dull whirring noise.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Oh, it’s a noisemaker … It sort of blocks out the sound from the street. I can’t sleep without it,” he told me, and turned over.
I stared at the ceiling, willing myself to get up and leave. (OK, ready … 1, 2, 3, GO!) But it didn’t happen. I cursed myself as I watched shadows cross the ceiling from cars passing by, and the white noise from Peter’s machine filled my ears. It was the best sound I’d heard all evening.
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Arty
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 09:26 am: [report]
Do you think it’s possible that you were his first?
...(I actually really want one of those noisemaker things.)
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 09:32 am: [report]
Don’t knock beat males…perhaps you just got a broken one.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 09:32 am: [report]
Durn it, Beta Males.
Wise-aleck
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 09:45 am: [report]
You know, it’s hard to feel sorry for you. First, you got into bed with a guy you clearly had contempt for—though contempt sometimes = hot sex, most often it doesn’t. Then you didn’t have the nerve to leave in the middle of the night. The escape is the best reason to go to the guy’s place, so you have control over when the date is over.
Tao
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 10:34 am: [report]
Seriously…
Tactful: “I’ve got an early day, thanks for a great evening. I’ll call you (never!)”
Diplomatic: “I’m sorry, this is just not working for me. I’m leaving…Could you hand me my bra?”
Blunt: “WTF?!? Slow down, dammit, or get the hell off of me!”
Yeah, he sucked, and it was amusing to read, but you could have either bailed early, bailed afterwords, or tried a little on-the-spot tutorial to help the poor boy out. Spending the night after bad sex isn’t an option. Ever.
Wise-aleck called it correctly: Doing the deed at his place gives you the escape option. Never be afraid to pull the escape lever and run.
Live and learn…
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 12:30 pm: [report]
You should have left the minute he went to the bathroom ... I would have thrown on my clothes and been out the door like lightning. My ex-hubby (to whom I lost my virginity) is a Beta Male, too, and he was horrible in bed. I never realized just how great sex can be until my husband who is a total Alpha Male and never fails to satisfy me. I’m a VERY lucky lady!
loveitlala
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 06:44 pm: [report]
Wow, you are so mean and you know it! Anonymous… ha! I feel sorry for the guy and how he got lead on by a shallow b.
loveitlala
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 06:46 pm: [report]
*led
joyy
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 07:32 pm: [report]
Whatever happened to speaking up if you aren’t getting what you want in bed?
retro chic
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 07:33 pm: [report]
I’m with Tao, esp the tutorial part… you decided to be there anyway, why not add something from your experience, instead of expecting him to “perform” for you?
Naneenya
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 06:59 am: [report]
As I was reading this, I was shaking my head - it can’t possibly be that something happened to someone else that is almost EXACTLY the same experience I had weeks ago. I too didn’t think that “bad sex” existed (Any sex is good sex when you’re not having any! Wrong!) Now, I know that it’s not worth it to jump off the sexual dry spell with a bad lay. It actually makes it worse.
Boo.
VicVicVictoria
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 08:58 am: [report]
LMAO. This happened to me but it was a far more tragic story. The guy I slept with was my long time good friend of five years. I really had high hopes for him. I mean I knew him well enough to know he wasn’t very experienced but some things come natually, right? No… ::sigh:: It was exactly as you described. So bad it’s hilareous but so bad it’s almost not funny. Dealbreaker for sure.
retro chic
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 09:28 am: [report]
Naneenya, you wouldn’t think, huh. Heard a panel of guys on a sexuality bit on a news prog who compared, “Sex is like pizza, and there’s no such thing as a bad pizza.” Might explain a lot. But, “anonymous” could have handled things better, I think.
happyGal
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 08:31 pm: [report]
I’m sure most women have at least 1 story of bad sex. Do guys complain of bad sex? or is getting any sex = “good sex”?
retro chic
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 09:21 pm: [report]
^@happy, I can only recount the panel of men on TV (mentioned above your comment) whose laughter had the ring of truth when one compared sex to pizza. But, never heard (of) any complaints here!
some guy
wrote on April 15 2009 @ 12:11 am: [report]
yes, guys complain about bad sex too. if you weren’t into it, he could probably tell, and wasn’t gonna jump through rings of fire backwards on his head to satisfy you - so he shut it down and turned out the lights hoping you wouldn’t be there when he woke up.
the noise amker would have covered -up your escape.
basically, if your not into him - DON’T DO IT - and if your not into him and just want it, you get what you get.. giving is getting. if you wanted to have a good time you should know how to work it by now. you have the power… the power of imagination.
Millie
wrote on April 15 2009 @ 02:00 am: [report]
Wow… this is almost exactly what happened to me a few nights ago, minus being trapped at the end. Seriously, lesson learned… do not have sex with someone you feel lukewarm about. I’ve done it twice and it’s been a disaster both times. At least I’m not the only one!
Lion
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 01:30 pm: [report]
Yeah, Id say he probably needed some guidance…everyone learns things differently. Maybe his last girlfriend never told him he was a jackhammer? Its really hard to give someone pointers, but hopefully if you do ever talk to him again, you’ll be honest…it would really help the next person out.
think of the next girl!
CherryRed
wrote on April 21 2009 @ 07:04 pm: [report]
This is just a classic example of women expecting men to know how to pleasure them. He doesn’t have the same bits as you, darling, and probably every other partner he’s had acted in the exact same way as you.
As a woman, I feel its our responsibility to speak up before, during and after sex acts about our likes, dislikes and desires/fantasies.
This was your bad, not his…he’s just a poor guy who doesn’t know any better
LoveLSU2007
wrote on April 25 2009 @ 09:53 am: [report]
Well, I am the first female born in over a hundred years on my dad’s side of the family so I get lots of advice from all of those men.
Funniest advice with w a ring of truth?
Honey, don’t get into doggie sex.
You know, where the man sits up and begs for it and then you roll over and play dead.
autumn_dust
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 11:21 am: [report]
I understand what most of the comments are saying, how yes she could have escaped, but the thing is that this is simply a funny story to share. I don’t think “anonymous” meant it as a story to look for advice or a way to ask how she could have done something different; she obviously knows she could have left or ditched the guy whenever, even as early as the first date. Its funny because she was really trying to give this guy a chance, and it blew up in her face as she stood there, aware of the explosion. you know what I mean? “Anonymous” is just sharing this faux pas she allowed herself to experience. It’s just supposed to be a way of sharing her awful and funny experience with us. So stop all the hatin’!
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]
worst sex ever… i knew a girl through work for about a year. she was a regular customer. saw her out one night and we hung out. one thing led to another. some chicks have NO SKILL at giving head. some chicks give you ZERO feedback when you go down on them. some chicks have NO SKILL while on top. some chicks lay like a dead fish while on bottom. she did all of that, and then scooted away every time i found a half-way decent rhythm… i tried. i tried so hard. it wasnt happening. i feel the writers pain (from a dudes perspective). i didnt finish. when i got up to put my clothes on she asked “arent you staying over?” “um. no.”
C.Munro
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]
Really, if you sleep with a guy you hardly know and with whom you find conversation difficult, and then don’t communicate your likes and dislikes to this person when they’re obviously going about things in an unpleasant way, you deserve bad sex.
I wonder if the writer ever considered that he thought it was lame sex too, and just wanted to get it over with.
It sounds to me like he wasn’t really ready for the deed, like he probably could’ve used a couple more dates to get more comfortable, but initiated anyway because most women don’t seem to understand that some men take a bit longer to warm up to the idea of sex with a new partner, and will regard guys who don’t try to bang them from the get-go as wimpy or even closeted gays.
LoveLSU2007
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
Well, maybe they had different ideas of “doggie” sex>
You know: where HE sits up and begs and SHE rolls over and plays dead!
Goldengirl from LSU