Dating Drama: The Sluttiest Girl In The Room
Posted by: Rachel Kramer Bussel
Filed in:
sex
11:00AM, Tuesday December 30th 2008
Sometimes I wish I was a virgin. OK, maybe that’s going too far, but lately I’ve been feeling like the sluttiest girl in New York, or at least whatever room I happen to be in. It’s not because I’m ashamed of my sexual past—I truly believe that everyone I’ve slept with, from one night-stands to relationships to threesomes, has made me who I am today.
But it’s one thing for me to feel that way about my hookup history, and it’s another to have been documenting it for the last few years. The fact that anyone I meet, once I give them my name, can Google me and read about my exes and flings, makes for a very uneven getting-to-know-you period. Most people have a history of some sort, but we don’t always share every detail, at least not right away.
Even in New York City, it’s tough to meet someone who doesn’t know anyone you know. I’ve lived here for 12 years, and I go out a lot, in various social groups. Plus, I’ve been single for most of those years. Chances are, if we play six degrees of me, a random guy at a bar is likely to know someone I’ve at least made out with.
Earlier this year, I made out with a friend of mine I’d had a crush on for two years. It was as hot as I’d thought it would be, even though that’s all that happened. Afterward, we went for food, and he started telling a story … about his friend whom I had a threesome with (which he knew about because he was there when the three of us went home together). I also used to date his good friend. All of a sudden, I felt like I wanted to disappear. I knew if we were to date, I’d run into those two guys on a regular basis, which is not exactly on my list of favorite things.
When I meet someone new, I want to know everything about them. I get swept away in their life, their world, and everyone who’s come (ha-ha) before them fades into the background of my mind. I don’t forget my previous love(r)s, I just don’t fixate on them. I may not be a virgin, but I feel giddy and excited and nervous when I’m with someone new. What I worry about is that I won’t be given the chance to get to that point because I’ve documented so much of my life online, in columns and blogs.
Perhaps the solution is to date another writer, someone who’s equally as revealing. I tried that this year, and it was unnerving, not because I read about the other person’s previous bedroom conquests, but because I got too far inside his head on paper, before we’d truly known each other. I found out that he had a fear of sex, which, aside from its own set of complications, was a lot to take in.
It’s one thing to smile a little to yourself as you stand in a bookstore and run your fingers over the name of someone you’ve bedded or whisper to your friend at a party about your mutual friend who you were once #&@$% buddies with, but it’s another to be constantly reminded that you’ve gotten around.
I don’t regret sleeping with the people that I have (though many I wouldn’t repeat). You learn from bad sex, missed communication, broken hearts, ignoring red flags. But at 33, I’m looking for different stuff from my dates than I was at 23, or even 31. That’s the part that’s hardest to convey to Google. I loved feeling open and carefree enough to say yes to a woman who propositioned me for a threesome via email, or having dirty hotel sex with my porn director friend, or hooking up with a hot Costa Rican stranger in the Atlanta airport when we were both stranded there overnight, but I don’t want those to be the only things someone new remembers about me.
I will probably always write about my personal life to some degree, because it helps me figure out my own emotions and capture moments that matter to me. But I’m not looking for some wild erotic adventure or to stay out all night being crazy anymore. I want to find someone to settle down and have babies with, without having to disown or apologize for who I’ve been or what I’ve done. Is that so much to ask for?
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HitOrMissJudy
wrote on December 30 2008 @ 11:07 am: [report]
I’m in the same boat as you, but I think I have better powers of denial. However, even more mortifying than having my boyfriend read about my prior sex life, my 86-year-old friend bought my book (without my permission!!!) and read all the sordid stories. She had a few words for me the next time we got together. Oy vey.
InTouch
wrote on December 30 2008 @ 11:29 am: [report]
“I don’t regret sleeping with the people that I have (though many I wouldn’t repeat).” That statement rings very true for me. All the lovers of my past are exactly that, my past. Through various outlets almost everyone I meet has either seen me naked or at least heard gratuitous details about my sex life. It makes it difficult to ever feel like I’m “starting new” with someone.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the best solution, for me at least, is to focus on looking forward. Is someone’s interested in me then it’s because of the person I am today. And that includes all the history (sexual and otherwise). I would guess you meet people who find your occupation and history a bit of a novelty, but for each of those there will be someone who genuinely wants to get to know you; a real you beyond whatever you’ve published. Sure, they may be curious about your past and eventually ask (and it’ll be awkward) but they realize it’s who you are now and who you’re into now (ie. them) that really matters.
blisterious
wrote on December 30 2008 @ 11:38 am: [report]
Sounds like you aren’t regretting your sexual past, just the fact that it’s so public. I’m curious, though, about what the etiquette is for meeting someone whose sex life you know about from their writing. Do you ignore it? Praise it (“I loved your description of that blowjob”)? I’d probably try to say something witty that showed I was aware but not judgmental. But secretly it’d be a turn on. That’s part of reality that no social niceties can prevent.
andieeast
wrote on December 30 2008 @ 11:42 am: [report]
The thing is, that stuff comes out no matter what. And if you find someone who truly cares about you, they will accept and embrace you no matter what. In fact, they will revel in your sexy past and yet still be happy with your more sedate visions for the future.
Humble Bee
wrote on December 30 2008 @ 11:48 am: [report]
Theres no loss in making mistakes or getting drunk and sleeping with someone, theres always a gain, and thats experience or a lesson learned. Its good not to regret things, because you learn from mistakes and certain circumstances.
imsorryyoufeelthatway
wrote on December 30 2008 @ 01:33 pm: [report]
As open and honest and vulnerable as you’ve been—the person who falls in love with you for keeps is going to love that about you most.
Chico B
wrote on December 30 2008 @ 03:25 pm: [report]
This is really a great piece. I can really relate to this feeling.
Lemur99
wrote on December 30 2008 @ 08:10 pm: [report]
You shouldn’t have to apologize for who you were, who you are, or who you want to be.
Mike in Albany
wrote on December 30 2008 @ 10:43 pm: [report]
Those who matter won’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.
Alison Wonderland
wrote on December 30 2008 @ 11:11 pm: [report]
Wishing you were a virgin? I hear there’s a new product for that!
fallenangel915
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 05:29 am: [report]
I myself used to have this same fear; that the man I meet and actually may want to settle down with will somehow find out about my promiscuous past and judge me for it, but now that I’ve gotten a little older and a little wiser, I realize that, like another respondent said, that those who mind, don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. The person who really loves for you and really cares about you is not going to give a rat’s ass about who you’ve slept with and how you did it or what-have-you. Your experiences have paid off well for you (this blog, duh), and it’s all a part of life. To hell with anyone who feels like they are so righteous and high and mighty so as to be able to judge you or the next person.
By Parkin
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 07:18 am: [report]
I have to agree with several posts here. If someone truly loves you then they accept all of the baggage that comes with it and love you more for being open and honest about it.
If it is truly you they love, they don’t care about the past, only the future. If it is your past they love then they really don’t care about you as much as your actions.
Twanna A. Hines // FUNKY BROWN CHICK
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 07:54 am: [report]
AWESOME piece, Rachel!! (One of) my favorite lines? “But at 33, I’m looking for different stuff from my dates than I was at 23, or even 31. That’s the part that’s hardest to convey to Google.” So true; reading about someone’s past doesn’t necessarily always clue you in to their present or future. Circumstances change, people change.
Erin G
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 01:56 pm: [report]
Thank you Rachel, for this piece! I really needed to read this sort of thing lately.
TWBuddha
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 02:03 pm: [report]
Great article. I think it’s more important to capture those moments by exposing your thoughts and experiences than it is to be like everyone else - somewhat stunted, emotionally. It annoys me when a lover wants to hide part of who she is - be it the fact that she’s deliciously sexy or that she has some opinions that mind not gel with the conservative masses. You have to embrace who you are, where you’ve been, what you’ve done and what you believe in and if Prospect X doesn’t like it, oh well. You’re outspoken and that should be a plus for him; if it isn’t, then wash your hands of Mr. X and move on.
ShortyDooWop
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 02:27 pm: [report]
love this post! i’m only 23 but am already trying to be a different woman than just a year ago! people can really make that transition difficult! i really appreciate being able to read that i wasn’t the only girl that had wonderful affairs and regrets none.
wanman
wrote on January 5 2009 @ 11:08 am: [report]
I know I’m going to get flamed for writing this but it needs to be said.
Giving in to your sexual desire makes you more dumb animal than intelligent being. Guys are the biggest sluts and have been for forever but with this sexual revolution of the last 30+ years Women feel like they can act the same way. Instead of BOTH sexes exercising better self control now we all just hook up for little reason at all other than wondering what the other can do in bed and if they are “any good.” It’s affecting our society in a negative way.
I’m, in essence, no better but my heart weighs heavy some days with the bad decisions I’ve made. If you live your life with no regrets then you either made no mistakes or have no morals. We’ve all done something we’re not proud of. Remembering those moments is what keeps us from repeating those mistakes.
I feel life would be better if people could say no sometimes.
I make no judgements I’m just speaking from personal experience and opinion. Now, please feel free to call me a pig or whatever and let the flaming begin.
hawaiianpeach
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 08:09 pm: [report]
Cheers to you Rachel for putting the biz-nazz out there. I feel that you are a liberated woman who has led a full sexual life. My current boyfriend knows that when (IF-oh gawd yes let it be so!!!) we get married my exes are coming to my wedding. This is due to two reasons: 1) they led me to the path I am on now with this wonderful man…and to them I am thankful 2) THEY need to see first hand how amazing I look walking down the aisle so they can see opportunity passing them by in a bomb ass dress
CuteCora
wrote on February 5 2009 @ 03:03 pm: [report]
Rachael!! Need not fear, there are men out there that will not be discouraged, embarrassed or feel challenged by the fact that you have had a ” Outgoing sex life” I have had the same experience with a few things, I now have a EXTREMELY loving and fab Husband who loves me the way I am…... my experience made me who I am and obviously lead me to him…I LOVE IT…