Dating Drama: The Ex-Boyfriend Blues
Posted by: Rachel Kramer Bussel
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Tuesday January 27th 2009
Since my breakup, I’ve not only been navigating single life, but I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of relationship to have with my ex. Are we friends? Acquaintances? Simply exes? Potential friends with benefits? It’s hard to say, and I vacillate between these possibilities. I’m grateful that ours was a long distance relationship, so I don’t have to worry about running into him at a club or the grocery store. At the same time, I’ll be honest—I miss him. Our once-daily talks and emails have dwindled to once or twice a week ... but that doesn’t mean I don’t think of him more often than that.
After so many months of him being the first person I turned to with good or bad news, I’m at a loss as to how to fill that emptiness in my life. I miss hearing about what he’s up to, even if it’s another World of Warcraft raid that goes over my head. I still have his photo booth strip tacked up on my cubicle wall at work. I called him when I was drunk on champagne the other night, feeling lonely and needing to share the fact that the room was spinning.
I haven’t gone totally crazy, though. When I find myself concocting increasingly elaborate sexual fantasies about him, I’ve been wise enough not to share them with him. The other day I started to email him about one of those fantasies, but then I stopped myself. Or, rather, I wrote it out, but I didn’t send it. I feel guilty, like I should be fantasizing about someone new, about the guy I’ve gone on a few dates with, who I like a lot, but my mind keeps going back to my ex.
I’m going to San Francisco, where my ex lives, at the end of this week to do some book readings, and we’re going to see each other along with mutual friends. I know that if I want to, we could have one final round of breakup sex which, as the new ad for “He’s Just Not That Into You” reminds me, “breakup sex still means you’re broken up.” Part of me feels like I deserve some kind of sex, and rather than have a random one-night stand or hook up with someone else too soon, we can have one final fling and be done with it. I’m not saying I think this is the healthiest move, but it’s probably what’s going to happen.
There’s an Elliott Smith song called “Somebody That I Used to Know,” and it’s a sad song, but also kind of cold—like you have to pretend your ex is some random person from your past in order to move on. I hate the idea that because a romantic relationship had to end, the person who was closest to you becomes a virtual stranger. Maybe that’s a necessary cutting of ties, but it doesn’t feel right to me. Excising my ex from my life entirely felt like I’d be giving up his friendship so I wouldn’t feel nostalgic or lonely. We didn’t break up because we hate each other or had a big fight, but because we didn’t have a plan for how to be together given the distance and that our personalities and politics are probably too divergent to mix in the long term. But that doesn’t mean he’s not still sexy to me, or that I don’t wish we could’ve worked as a couple.
I understand why so many people told me that it’s best to stay away from my ex and go cold turkey, but I’m not strong enough for that. My main problem with the no contact rule, aside from it being extremely difficult to maintain, is that it makes it way too easy to romanticize our entire relationship. Once someone’s not in your life in that daily, steady way, at least with me, I tend to forget about all their negative qualities and imagine that if we were back together, it would be nonstop hot all the time. Talking to him brings me back into the real world and reminds me that he’s still the same person, for better and for worse.
If I were seriously seeing someone else at this point, it would be easier to put my ex firmly in the friend category. I can be stubborn, and the minute people tell me not to do something, even if they’re well-meaning, it makes me want to do the opposite. I’m going to wait and see what feels right. For all I know, we’ll be totally awkward in person, but I hope not.
I like the idea of being friends with my exes, but it’s not always possible. Sometimes there’s too much pain between you, or, conversely, too much lingering attraction. In my case, there’s a little of both.
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Provocative Girl
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 09:38 am: [report]
ex boyfriend blues sucks! big time! what’s way worse than having to see your ex boyfriend tho ... going out for your birthday and running into your current boyfriend’s ex girlfriend. ugh! that was my birthday weekend! read about it at
SamanthaH
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 10:02 am: [report]
I think you just have to feel out whether or not you can embrace the awkwardness of the current state of things between you guys.
You also have to admit to yourself that you are always going to be attracted to him and that there will always be some level of pain when you see him, especially when you “see” him living his life without you.
andieeast
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
I think you can be friends with an ex. But you have to wait till you don’t want to talk about why you broke up anymore. If that conversation comes up, not ready to be friends. But as with any break-up, whatever feels right to you is probably what you should do. So if that is a fling or an awkward meeting, go for it.
HitOrMissJudy
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 11:28 am: [report]
I love that Elliott Smith song so much. Nobody did sad like he did. I tend to cut exes off completely—but that doesn’t work for everybody. You’ll figure out where in your life he belongs with time.
AnitaWagner
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 04:46 pm: [report]
Rachel, I really sympathize. LDRs can be really challenging. I can’t do them at all, but I know a lot of poly people who really enjoy them. They tend to have a local primary partner to get those day-to-day needs met, though.
We humans are hard wired to crave intimate human connection and to pair bond (however non-exclusively). The disruption of a pair bond and the connection we’ve come to rely on to get those needs met is always painful. It’s a loss, and that’s what it sounds to me like you’re dealing with right now. That’s the part that has to happen before being friends feels good and like it’s enough.
I wish you balance and centeredness as you work on ways to continue to relate in a meaningful way to someone who is clearly special to you. Sounds to me like it’s time to indulge in something decadent and pamper yourself, maybe, oh, like, a yummy cupcake and a pedicure.
megpants
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 05:40 pm: [report]
i have to tell you, as hard as it might be i really do recommend taking a complete break from each other or at least using extreme caution with the type of contact you maintain. i TOTALLY feel you, though. my boyfriend moved out over the summer, and because it’s hard, sad, and confusing to break up when you still love each other, we kept seeing each other. it ended up drawing things out until just a couple months ago, when he finally (suddenly, to me) seemed to feel the need to truly move on. he went out with someone else, and i literally felt like i had been replaced. because we had continued to talk, hang out, maintain a “friendship” with benefits, i was absolutely devastated when i realized he no longer felt the same way about me, and simultaneously realized that i was still hanging on to him and the hope we’d get back together even though i’d thought i was fine being “friends” for all those months. now, nearly half a year after he moved out, we are finally taking a complete break from each other, i feel like i still have all these feelings for him that he no longer reciprocates, and i am FINALLY facing the prospect of getting over him.
so… i blabbed on and on, and i know every situation is different… but be careful that you’re really keeping your feelings in check so you don’t end up holding on to something that’s not there for you anymore.
LongDistanceLaura
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 05:57 pm: [report]
Breakups are absolutely the worst, and I don’t wish them on anyone. I hate them so much, that I can never fully go through with them - I’ve been in a breakup with my ex-boyfriend for almost 6 years now.
We oscillate between friends, lovers, and enemies with the seasons, all from 2000 miles apart. I don’t regret the past 6 years, and I still love him; but part of me wonders, what would my life be like if I had been stronger back when I was 21 and just quit cold turkey?
He definitely is the most disfunctional part of my life. I’m even in another relationship now and can’t shake this one. The strengths in other aspects of my life I feel are my excuse for the weakness here.
Anyway, the point is, be strong. You’ll trip and drunk dial along the way, and that’s ok. The point is, clean breaks first - then friends later.
Good luck to you.
mhckate
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 07:50 pm: [report]
I wish my boyfriend’s ex would cut him off completely—that’s always my M.O. and frankly, I think it’s more effective. She appears to be suffering from the same kind of blues, and as much as I want to be sympathetic to my fellow woman, it made me realize what a disservice we all do to ourselves by demanding continued intimacy from people who we know can’t give us what we need. Of course, not everyone wants effective, some people just want to keep hanging on, hence this “lets stay friends” ridiculousness.
This is in no way intended as a criticism of you, btw, Rachel—I love your writing and I think you’ve really characterized the way this feels, so it hit a bit close to home for me
thefamousames
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 08:50 pm: [report]
I tried the friend thing with my ex—we ended up hooking up again, and after he left, my mind raced with all the “what does this means?” and “are we back togethers?” I gave it all of 3 hours before I frantically called him, wanting to “talk it over” with him. While I was tormenting myself by what had just happened, analyzing and reanalyzing every move and comment, he had been ... watching Ratatouille. Yeah. Good luck!
Reagan
wrote on January 28 2009 @ 09:36 am: [report]
Giiiiiiirrrrrrlllll, I live about an hour from San Francisco and I will drive into the city and cold clock you or pistol whip you…or whatever the term is…to keep you from going down this road. Trust me, I’ve been going through it for the past year. My only regret is that I’ve allowed my feelings for him to cloud my judgment in the post-relationship phase of the breaking up process. He doesn’t want to be with me, but he will gladly hook-up with me. And I’ve gone along with it. I’ve told myself, every step of the way, that being with him once or twice is ok…at least I’m getting laid…but secretly I’ve been refusing to admit that it makes me feel even more empty inside. It’s like a slap in the face. He knows I can’t have causal, meaningless sex with him…but he also knows that I have a hard time saying no to him. If you still have feelings for this guy and miss him the way you say you do, then one night of closeness and physical intimacy could potentially do permanant damage. My ex and I split up a year ago. We went from living together and sharing everything to now living an hour apart and maybe texting back and forth once or twice a week. Neither one of us has completely let go but we are also past the point of no return. The damage has been done. I posted a note in my house to remind myself:
“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken—and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.” ~ Margaret Mitchell
GOOD LUCK!
hoppy
wrote on January 28 2009 @ 03:02 pm: [report]
I hope this weekend goes ok - Im sending good vibes your way. You have made SO much progress along the road of getting over this guy (I’ve been reading, cause Im in the same boat) and given that, I really hope you don’t see him. The ladies who’ve posted before me are right - it makes it a lot harder, and the process a lot longer. Im recovering from LDR with a complicated dude, and I’ve learned the hard way that I can’t talk to him anymore. We would see eachother or skype and we’d be back on, but then the reasons it wasn’t working would pop up louder and prouder than ever before and we’d break up again. This has been happening for six months so I finally had to end it hard core, cold turkey styles. It still hurts, Im still sad but the clean break is the only way I can get over him. I’ve even had to self impose rules for checking facebook - “the break up devil” as far as I am concerned. Going on 2 weeks and its hard and sad, but I know its my only way out of what feels like the longest break up in history.
Good luck.
laurafwalton
wrote on January 30 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
Oh man, I know exactly what you mean! I feel like a complete schizo right now—I broke up with my guy after a short but intense four months, and even though it was my call, I still have these dueling voices. Do I do the FWB thing with him? (The sex was great, as was the hanging out, but he didn’t even come close to being what I need in a LTR.) Do I cut him off as much as possible? (Difficult, since we see one another in work/social settings.) I just don’t know.
Right now, I’m avoiding him as much as possible, because, as you put it, “...there’s too much pain between you, or, conversely, too much lingering attraction.” I also have both.
Best of luck to you….
LaGiulia
wrote on February 1 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]
I’m on good terms with my exes, but it always took time. Of course there’s loneliness and the gaping void where that person used to be, but you have to let it close on its own, like a wound. Sleeping with your ex is not closure, and it sounds like you’ve already got all the closure you need. Keep away, and keep busy. It’ll be easier, later, to resume contact.