Dating Drama: Breakup Sex
Posted by: Rachel Kramer Bussel
Filed in:
guys, relationships
12:00PM, Monday December 8th 2008
I flew out to San Francisco for 34 hours this past weekend. The trip was meant to be a day longer, but I had to fly home for a friend’s wedding, and instead of canceling the trip altogether, I decided to act like a rock star and do it all. Ostensibly, I was headed for California to attend CupcakeCamp2, but I also needed to go to have a heart-to-heart talk with my long-distance boyfriend. We haven’t been the best at the difficult conversations; there are a lot of “I don’t know”s and “What are we going to do?”s, and there’s never really a good answer. The last time I was in town our grand plan was to move to Costa Rica and be a writer couple with a pool and a maid. It’s a nice fantasy, but highly impractical and unlikely.
The first day, we wandered around, checking out an original Diego Rivera mural, going for burgers at In-n-Out, and walking along the water at Fisherman’s Wharf. At one point he even mentioned our future kids. It was an offhand reference, but it made me smile because he knows I’m in full baby fever mode while he’s, well, not even close.
But by Sunday, it was clear that we had too much going unsaid to keep it inside any longer. “This isn’t working,” I said. “It’s too hard.” We finally admitted that as much as we love each other, trying to sustain our relationship with hurried weekend visits every other month and late-night phone calls hasn’t been cutting it. I cried, even though I hate crying in front of anyone, especially someone I’m dating, but I couldn’t help it.
Then I went out and engaged in some retail therapy. By the time I got back, I was a little grouchy. I wanted to be mad at him, but I realized it wasn’t him; it was the circumstances. I know he’s as unhappy as I am about ending things. It’s rare enough to find someone you can be completely yourself with, warts and all, and discover that they love you not just in spite of those warts, but because of them. To have to walk away anyway is truly bittersweet.
There’s a line in Susanna Sonnenberg’s essay “The Overnight,” in the excellent new anthology Behind the Bedroom Door, where she’s writing about a misguided one-night stand. She says of herself and her lover, “He’d see nothing of her pieces and fragments.” She meant that even if they slept together, they wouldn’t really understand each other. That’s the part of a relationship I live for, getting inside someone’s head, getting to know things about them no one else is privy to. I hate the whole being-on-your-best-behavior, dressing-to-impress ritualism of dating. It seems so fake to me. I’ve been so honored that he’s let me inside his head, into the dark places as well as the light, and in turn I’ve shared things I’m not exactly proud of, but that make me me.
In some ways, it’s easier to break up with someone when they’ve been unfaithful or you realize you can’t stand each other. Breaking up with someone when you both love each other sucks, plain and simple. I still don’t know if he’s the one, and it kills me that maybe he is, and I’m letting him, and the potential for us as a couple, go. Yet, finally talking about it after skirting around the topic endlessly felt good. I’ve felt half in and half out of the relationship, part of me yearning for the freedom to flirt (and maybe more) with other people, part of me wishing we could find somewhere to shack up and be that dorky, boring domesticated couple who cooks together and cuddles in front of “Ugly Betty.”
After all that, we went to the cupcake extravaganza. We made out amidst the hungry crowds, and I felt proud to be there with him. We held hands on the way to the bus, and I felt happier about being with him than I have in a long time, like the relief of having our feelings out in the open had freed us to enjoy each other’s company without the stress of wondering,“What happens next?”
When we got back to his place, I got an awesome breakup consolation prize: some of the best sex we’d ever had. I didn’t know if it would be awkward or sad, but it was neither. Sometimes I’ve felt like he’s not attracted to me, or not as much as I’d like, because I’m usually the one to initiate sex, but this time he grabbed me and pulled off my clothes and told me what he wanted. At one point he flipped me over onto my stomach and took control. There was dirty talking, and it lasted, leaving us breathless afterward. When we were done, all I could say was, “We should break up more often.” And who knows? Maybe we will.
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EastCoastMale
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 12:20 pm: [report]
Good article and no comment
shannac02
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 12:23 pm: [report]
That’s the hardest one, breaking up with someone you still love and know its not going to work… Not now, at least… why not get the consolation prize, though? Especially if it was GOOOOOOOOD~!
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 01:13 pm: [report]
shanna I am noticing more and more you post good comment but definitely have a naughty side. A woman after my own heart
shannac02
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 01:18 pm: [report]
Aw Dang! I was trying to keep my “lady on the street and a freak in the sheets” persona on the DL… I guess I’m not succeeding…
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 01:41 pm: [report]
lol Something tells me you werent trying to hard to hide it and werent worried if you got caught red bottomed so to speak. Its ok I wont tell
shannac02
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
okay, Okay… You could be correct… Geez. I always get caught. This is why I shouldn’t comment on the “sex” stuff… I wind up using words like “GOOOOOOOOD” lol
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 01:54 pm: [report]
Yea you and me both hun, I try to stay away from the sex column so this one I just said I liked the article. Something tells me I would get banned for the ideas in this head of mine. =)
HitOrMissJudy
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 03:18 pm: [report]
Hot sex, you both care about each other—screw logistics, figure it out! That’s an order!
dangerouslilly
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 03:28 pm: [report]
Ah I’m sorry to read officially of the breakup dear. I have to admit, some of the HOTTEST sex occurred during a breakup years ago with my current SO. Hmmm. Maybe I should break up with him again…..
Annika Harris
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 05:05 pm: [report]
sorry to hear about the breakup rachel. maybe the sex was so good because he didn’t have anything to lose. he didn’t have to worry about what the dirty talk and force would do to the relationship.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 05:35 pm: [report]
Annika
I was thinking the same thing, he probably was throwing caution to the wind because even if you got upset with him he wouldnt have to sustain a relationship afterwards. I wonder about the last line, it says “maybe we will”, I took that to mean that it helped them out and they actually stayed together after that…so “will” as in they are currently together. I am probably way off on that but I totally agree Annika.
felsull
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 05:54 pm: [report]
Terrific post, as always!
drmabuse
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 06:52 pm: [report]
It’s not usually my business to pry. But if you love someone, it’s worth taking risks and making sacrifices. There is no reason why you cannot establish a relationship that is open, if that is what you desire. No, you don’t always know if the other person is going to be The One. But how will you EVER know if you don’t try? I wasn’t entirely certain of what I was getting into when I entered into a long distance relationship more than three years ago. But it took me to New York, and we’re both very happy that we rolled the dice. It remains my profound hope that the two of you seriously consider John Lennon’s wise words: “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”
gailkonopbaker
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 07:10 pm: [report]
great post as always… you are a terrific writer, Rachel! But am wondering about the breakup…. hmmm…
Mike in Albany
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 10:25 pm: [report]
Nobody knows what Rachel and her boyfriend said to each other during all those late night phone calls, but if you read her blog entries during this time with him you get the sense that she wasn’t discussing everything with him and she was wrestling with a lot of unanswered questions in her mind about the relationship, how it was working or not working, and where it was going. It seems as if she was holding all of this back.
We all know that one of the cornerstones of a successful relationship is communication. By keeping her thoughts and fears and uncertainties to herself, Rachel was not communicating. This weekend she opened up and laid it all out. It was probably the smartest thing that she did, and it might actually have the opposite effect—it could redirect both of their energies towards each other instead of away from each other. If that small part of her that might secretly wish that they could get back together is paying attention, this could be a learning moment.
On the other hand, if it really is over and there is no going back, I hope that it’s a short rebound.
I like what she wrote about that stress and formality of “dating.” That is why I really don’t like doing it. It is better to start out as friends and keep it very informal. When two people feel that they have to hide behind masks and façades, that is not a good formula for building a relationship based on honesty, fairness, trust, and open communication. We all have our warts. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. And I would rather spend time getting to know what is really in somebody’s head. The path to true intimacy goes through there.
bunnymatic
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 08:17 am: [report]
and so the lesson learned, it’s not love, it’s not committment factors, it’s not flowers and whispy moments of fleeting romance, but rather the bittersweet reality of timing, that being all that will really hold it all together. another lesson, yet to be learned, only in the twilight zone. lol.
Mike in Albany
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 10:17 am: [report]
Not much of a romantic, are you, Bunny? The lesson I was getting at was that once you find out what it really takes to make it, and if you want it badly enough, you will learn from your mistakes and you will go after what you want with all the energy that you can muster.
Pugs
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 07:36 pm: [report]
This reminds me of my high school boyfriend who always broke up with me right before my birthday or Christmas. I was convinced he did this because he was too cheap to buy me a present. Anyway, I’m glad you had amazing breakup sex. The memory of it will give you something to smile about when you’re a little old lady at the nursing home!
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SugarRush
wrote on December 20 2008 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
Hey Mike in Albany,
I see the “lesson.” And yeah, once you figure out what it takes, you go get it. But is there a time when you should stop chasing? How do you know if you should still keep going after it or not?
Mike in Albany
wrote on December 20 2008 @ 02:51 pm: [report]
Yes. When the other person is off the rebound and has clearly moved on, then there is no going back. Now, nothing is absolute for all situations. Let’s say you got dumped because something about you didn’t click (or it did in the beginning but unclicked somewhere along the way). You can’t change who you are, so you will remain dumped. With Rachel, it was a matter of space and time. In the Star Trek world distance doesn’t matter because you can beam yourself anywhere in seconds. If the guy decided he can’t be without her, he’ll either have to move to New York or convince her to move to Frisco. Their break-up is fresh, so it can still happen now without causing too much grief. As time passes it becomes more of a long-shot. If either one of them gets serious with a new person, then it’s really over.
Neo
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 08:04 pm: [report]
He’s certainly not “the one” if he let you go.