Dating Don’ts: Why You’re Still Single
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
10:59AM, Thursday October 8th 2009
I’ve been writing relationship advice for nearly ten years now and the number-one question I get asked—by readers and friends alike—isn’t anything filthy or even fun. It is: “How come I can’t meet anyone?”
Depending on your situation, there are a variety of answers to this question, but mostly, finding someone to tongue wrestle with on a regular basis comes down to a combination of luck and timing. That said, there are things you can do to ensure that you never even come close to falling in love.
Shut-in and shut out.
Leslie is one of the most beautiful women I know. She’s tall, thin, and 1,000 percent gorgeous. But she never dates because every day after work, she comes home, eats dinner, and watches TV. Every night.
Which would be fine if she were happy, but she’s always complaining that she wants a boyfriend. Unfortunately, she’s also suffering from the delusion that if a relationship is meant to be, it’ll find her. The only way a relationship is going to “find her” is if it breaks into her apartment.
This sounds like a no-brainer, but it bears repeating: The odds of meeting someone to fall in love with increase dramatically when you step outside your door.
It’s your friends, Stupid!
Another whiner is Clarice. Unlike Les, she’s a party animal, but when she goes out, it’s either with a big group of girlfriends from work or her posse of gay boyfriends. Even if the bar is knee-deep in straight, eligible bachelors, most men—unless they’re extremely inebriated—are not going to approach a girl gang. It’s simply too daunting. And honey, the only men you’re going to meet at boy bars are g-a-y. They might be ogling your chest (breast-love is universal), but they’re not going home with you.
Try going out alone or with one or two friends at most. Engage the people around you. If you look approachable, you’re more likely to be approached.
But I’m shy!
I know this one well because it used to be my mantra. Know where that got me? Absolutely nowhere, and when I landed there, I was sitting alone. To be a successful dater, you need to stop being self-conscious. So what if you make a fool of yourself? Believe me, there are worse things to make of yourself (like a celibate wimp), and once you learn to laugh at yourself, you’ll actually find it rather liberating.
Start off slow, by smiling at that fox on the elevator. Work up to saying hello to random strangers, and soon you’ll be asking the barista for his digits.
He should like me for my personality.
As stunning as your inner beauty might be, if your outer beauty is cloaked in poly-blend novelty sweats, he’s probably going to keep walking.
Nobody’s saying you need to be a supermodel, but would it kill you to take a shower, run a comb through that mop, and put on a cute top? Who cares if you’re wearing Dolce & Gabbana couture or H&M sales rack chic—make an effort. Unless you’re an Olsen twin, that thrift-store mannequin look is not doing you any favors.
See “conventional wisdom” for what it is: conventional.
Translation: boring. It’s time to retire played-out platitudes, like “don’t date at work,” “wait for him to ask you out,” or “don’t sleep with someone for at least [insert random number here] dates.”
Life is too short to sit around pining over coworkers, waiting for some shy guy to get up the guts to call, or holding out on someone you’re absolutely cray about, just because of some arbitrary rule you read in a glossy magazine.
Falling in love isn’t science. There’s no formula for success; we’re all just a bunch of confused humans bumbling around, occasionally making connections. The important thing is to always put yourself out there. It’s like Lotto: You gotta be in it to win it.
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Kiki T
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 10:04 am: [report]
i don’t even know what to say, as I am sitting here with my remote control and a gazillion gay men on speed dial….
Raugiel
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 10:13 am: [report]
Please don’t retire “don’t date at work”. All the others, go ahead. But, unless you are willing to leave your job, don’t date at it.
mokti
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 10:14 am: [report]
And what would be your advice to a guy who meets interesting women all the time during the course of their day… and two minutes after that, meets their husband as well?
I swear, minus the ex and I who managed to deluded ourselves again for the grand total of two months, every single (ironic pun?) woman I’ve met in the last year that’s put a spark in me lately has introduced me to her husband when I’m a hairsbredth away from asking her phone number.
slip
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 10:24 am: [report]
I’m looking for a relationship right now. The most common reasons I walk away from a prospect are a) unrealistic expectations, b) a sense of entitlement the size of the White House Christmas tree, and c) both of the above.
Slip
SouthOC
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 10:28 am: [report]
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard for women who want to meet men is: “Go where men hang out.”
Think about what you’re interested in (music, sports, fitness, faith, etc.) and go to those places…
Examples:
* If you like football, go to a sports bar on Saturday, Sunday, or Monday.
* If you’re into fitness, try a bicycling club or join a softball team.
* If you’re into your faith, find a gathering at your church.
The point is, a man isn’t just going to magically appear like they do in the movies. Make a plan and then take some risks.
Common interests are what strong long-term relationships are built on.
betty123
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 10:46 am: [report]
One rule of thumb that you should never throw out because despite how depressing it is, it is all too true, “You’re gonna kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince.”
Don’t take dating too seriously. Putting yourself out there with all kinds of guys is what dating is all about. It is the best way to find what you like and you might not know a guy is “the one” right off the bat. I find that a lot of my friends dismiss guys too quickly because they don’t fit every box on their list, but then complain that they can’t get a date. It’s a date, not a marriage proposal!
Humble Bee
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 10:47 am: [report]
I always talk to great guys but then I feel akward asking them out, or asking them if they have a girlfriend. I always tell myself, well they probably didn’t ask me out because they already have a gf, oh well! I meet awesome guys everyday, from all over the world, but I’m such a wimp! I don’t have a problem approaching them, I’m probably the most approachable person, but to actually ask them for their number! I can’t utter those stupid words out!
powplz
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 10:50 am: [report]
@South OC - great suggestions. I have made a lot of friends (ok, not like close girlfriends, but fun people nonetheless!) through my softball team. A coworker buddy joined that team as well, and she quasi-dated one of the guys on that team as well as a guy from a different team (they met online, but still).
Rec leagues exist for all types of sports, and they’re great places to meet people. If you don’t have a team to play on, just check the local schedule and go hang out asking the co-ed teams if they are short a girl. Chances are that someone will be in need, or someone will invite you to play anyways (or at least drink beer and root for them). Brining beer to share and having at least basic skills in the sport also help too!
luke15chick
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]
Love the one about not sitting in your apartment. My old roommate had that problem, most anti social person ever and never tried to meet people, complained constantly. For me, being what I call “flirty friendly” helps. Just being friendly sometimes doesn’t get the message across to guys that you are looking to date.
amandabear
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
I’m totally guilty of #1 and #3. I’m pretty shy and kind of antisocial/a loner by nature, so I rarely go where lots of people are. When I do, I go alone, but apparently I give off a “do not talk to me” vibe. I’m mostly okay with it and rarely complain about being single because 90% of it is my own fault.
silvergurl
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:23 am: [report]
@betty123: thank you. that’s great advice.
(and thank you too, judy!)
retro chic
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 01:15 pm: [report]
Yes, yes. I’ve recently tested that outrageous theory, Judy. But you’d be surprised at the correlative spike in spending as well. That front door is there for a reason!
I like to say that too! “You can’t win if you don’t play.”
May I add to the list: “Don’t continue to see your ex!”
It does all the wrong things for seeking new prospects, imo.
I like just talking to people in everyday life when I’m out and about. As I warm up, I focus on attractive, interesting-appearing men. I’m starting to take that into the dens of dating, or as @South OC would say, places of mutual interest: “Go where men hang out.” Likewise, a friend told me “Go where the herds are – the lone stag is intriguing but dateless.” It’s a numbers game, that’s for sure.
Lilypie
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
Guilty, guilty, guilty.
Humble Bee
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
@dopaminer, your so sweet. I don’t see how a nice guy like you could get rejected and Any woman in their right mind doesn’t bother their man while watching sports, common sense.. duh.lol.
slip
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 02:56 pm: [report]
#6: The Shield. Even women who aren’t very attractive get hit on constantly. They have their pick of men and they get tired of guys approaching and acting like idiots. Some turn mean just to keep the numbers manageable. Confident guys and jerks can handle that, but “nice guys” can’t. That kind of failure is especially bitter, as @dopaminer’s post suggests, and it doesn’t take much of it to make some guys hesitant to approach any woman.
If you want a nice guy—the ideal relationship material kind—be kind if he’s a little clumsy or if he seems underconfident. He’s probably terrified.
(@dopaminer, next time you get that vibe, joke about it to her face. You’d be surprised how fast the shields fall if you’re confident. And if you aren’t, fake it.)
Slip
thierry3
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 03:07 pm: [report]
All so true but after a long day at work I want to sit on my couch eat veggie chips and lounge.
I have been going to my local coffee shop on the weekends to write—lots of cute guys there.
Asta
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 03:32 pm: [report]
I agree with the don’t date at work… if it doesn’t work out then you are screwed! Along the same line of the HIMYM “Platinum Rule” when it doesn’t work out there are always magnified repercussions.
kpazjeepin
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 03:36 pm: [report]
My goodness I am so guilty of #1! Eek! My biggest problem is that after moving to the lovely city of Kansas City 9 months ago, I still haven’t met many people to hang out with. I work with 99% men (married or could be my brother..no attraction there) so when we do all get out and go have a beer, I’m surrounded by men..NOT a good way to meet anyone.
I’ve always been a tad meek about going to a bar to have a drink alone, but I do enjoy a good baseball game and a beer, guess I’ll just have to grow a set and hit up the local Sports Bar solo!
Thanks to everyone for the helpful hints
Jenbug
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 04:27 pm: [report]
I got into my first car accident this weekend. Just a fender bender but the girl I hit was pretty cute….
kevinh
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 06:35 pm: [report]
im bookmarking this for when ive been divorced for longer than a month…
danny22
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 10:38 pm: [report]
@Humble Bee I know exactly how you feel. I get along with everybody I know and I’m easy to talk to, but when it comes to asking someone out or for their number, I get really nervous and freeze up :/
turockgirl
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 09:47 am: [report]
I’m definitely guilty for #1…then again, I’m very active in local running and triathlon groups (completed 3 full marathons, 7 halfs, and two triathlons), go to various sports events, go to church, and am going back to grad school…and nada. Almost every guy I meet seems to be married, taken, too old, gay, or nothing more than a friend. To be fair, I do have a few current crushes, but past experience has taught me that it doesn’t tend to work out well when I ask the guy out…although, as with anything, past performance does not necessarily indicate/predict future results.
I’m very extroverted, athletic, smart, easy to talk to, and pretty (inside and out)...and can cook! Many of my guy friends tell me I’m too intimidating. I don’t know. I don’t get it. I think my “Friend” card is all but tattooed on my forehead…I’ve been single for way too long..
shawbrooke
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 11:23 pm: [report]
My adult children can’t meet anyone. That is their problem, but they are decreasingly happy and now I sense that they feel they’ve let me down because all their friends are having children and I’m not a grandmother. I want a good relationship with them and I love them and I hate to stop telling them things that cause them to phone less often, such as when another family friend gets pregnant.
This is silly, because if I’m going to miss grandchildren, won’t my sons be even more important? I’ve convinced one of them that I’m not pining, but the other one is unconvinced. Can someone younger - say in their thirties like they are - give me some advice?
Would I welcome a grandchild? Of course! Do I want them to marry someone they aren’t happy with to make that happen? Of course not. Are there any prospects? We don’t discuss it because I am afraid they may take offense and anyway, are parents the right ones for that discussion? I think there are some reasons why women may run, but my husband laughs at them.
One of my sons broke up with an impressive girlfriend after 5 years of living together. Would other women think that is a problem? I think that the other one is still in love with his first girlfriend from 10 years ago, but they don’t have contact and she’s married with kids. Surely in their thirties there are women would marry for the marriage (and his magnificent earning capacity). They are both really personable, have lots of friends (now all but one married). Both of them think that the ideal time to marry is just after thirty, once they’re established. All that happened a few years ago. Maybe not every woman wants to have a husband so impressed with what he brings to the marriage, I think that some might prefer to emphasize what they can build together.
Help!!!
angel001717
wrote on October 10 2009 @ 02:12 am: [report]
wonderful! thanks
i have a great idea with the whole being friendly/approachable thing. im going to start with saying hi to at least five strangers/day. then work up to starting conversations, joking, and making people feel comfortable around me. yay! assume that everyone cannot tell how nice you really are just by looking at you. and go out and meet people! great advice…. 
DancingGeek
wrote on October 11 2009 @ 12:47 pm: [report]
I’m really happy being single and I’m not looking. When I am ready to look there are some negatives;
1)I work from home for a small startup <5 people, the guys are married, I’m the only woman. (no prospects there)
2)I will likely have to give up my very intense DVR schedule(really does one single person need 4 tuners?? don’t answer that)
3) I’m really terrified of things like match.com and eHarmony.
Positives:
I have a mixed group (men and women) that I hang out with regularly, they are all in various states of separated, divorced, working things out. I also have some professional organizations I belong too, but they’re geek organizations and as we geek girls say “The odds are good, but the goods are odd.”
theoldman
wrote on October 11 2009 @ 09:49 pm: [report]
Ok girls I am going to be your Dutch uncle and tell you the hard facts. I have been married and divorced(high school cheerleader) married 18 years and widowed(mousy mortgage broker) and now engaged (architect). It is hard work.
The first was after I came back from the Army. Didn’t put enough effort or judgment into it. Second came after moving and buying a new house. Not intended but found a woman who was very smart and just as important very caring. Looks were ok. You do yourself a disservice by drooling over the latest male hottie. Believe me I know I married the high school cheerleader who was self centered and rude because she could get away with it because of her looks. Always flirting with other guys after we were married. Your hot looking males are going to give you the 4-F treatment. Find’em, fool’em, f***‘em and forget’em. Why? because you are so enraptured with their looks you let them.
Second time I learned what was important. Together we were more than we were separately. She stood with me when I took a stand at work against somethings that weren’t kosher even though we both knew what the outcome would be. No questions no doubts. I would like to think htat i encouraged her to accomplish things she would never would have otherwise tried.
This time I knew what I wanted and was methodical. Dating sites, lots of coffee, and homework on profiles for hours. Be sure your profile emphases how you are unique and your best attributes. Be different. Learn the taboos like “model or ex-model”. Those words are ego centric. write your profile to attract the kind of person you are looking for. Turockgirl and Dancing Geek I was looking for someone just about like you it sounds like. Very smart men are going to look for their intellectual equal; make it easy for them to find you. My first cut in searches was for who had advanced degrees not who was the model or ex-model.
There are plenty of liars and cheats out there don’t attract them. Understand that men think that there are the blondes you take to bed with a bottle of scotch (Joe Namath before Super Bowl 3) and the brunette you take home to mom. In men, start judging with his character not his looks. Unless he is Paul Newman, good looks will fade quickly enough. How he treats others is a pretty good clue how he will treat you. Compare Newman’s personal life with Jack Nicholson and I think you will get the picture. Lastly have confidence that is attractive as hell.
Lastly be polite and send a no thank you to someone you are not interested in. You will find plenty of jerks out there ; don’t become one yourself.
DancingGeek
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 06:43 pm: [report]
@ theoldman, it sounds like you had a lovely go round the second time, I am sorry that your time was cut short.
Stories like that really break through my jaded exterior and make me think perhaps there is hope that I might find a great man to be with someday. I too believe that people have to be intellectual equals, I need someone who stimulates my brain, challenges me and keeps me on my toes.
Uber geek me, I married the big star athlete who skated by on athletic skill and charm and didn’t think school was important.
eurolovex3
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 09:54 pm: [report]
@turockgirl - you bring up a good point. i’m wondering if there’s such a thing as being too intimidating for guys?
my guy friends tell me i’m intimidating because i’m good looking and smart, speak 4 languages, am ambitious, etc. they say that it’s obvious i have high expectations and it’ll be hard for me to find a guy on my level… does that make any sense??
metro_mello
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 10:01 pm: [report]
dude Im super shy but ill just walk u[p to a random stranger and say hey best friend thats how i make all my friends because they either stare at me weird or laugh and hang out with me and give me their numbers it isnt hard at all im super shy yet i still do it so good luck ladies!
slip
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 02:17 pm: [report]
@shawbrook, where to start? First, for someone who claims to not be pining, you sure sound like you are. If you want your sons to call more, don’t say things that make them call less. People talk about what interests them, so when you talk about other people having grandkids, it sounds like pining. Stop it. And if they phone less often, pick up the phone yourself. Call and talk about something other than grandkids.
Second, expectations have changed. Your son’s five-year relationship shows his ability to commit, which matters far more than the fact that it ended. It’s a credential, not a liability. Plus, if he’s a catch, people will assume that the breakup was her fault.
Third, the last thing you want is a daughter-in-law who married “for the marriage.” A woman like that wants marriage because it’s easier than facing her own emptiness and becoming a happy person. She’ll blame everything but herself for her misery. She’ll take it out on him, his torment will know no end, and you’ll second-guess yourself into the nut house. Life is too short for that.
Fourth, the timeline that people followed when you were dating is about 15 years too fast today. Your sons will find their way. At some point what you call their decreasing happiness will drive them to find someone. Then you’ll have more grandkids than you can handle.
Finally, whether or not your sons are happy is not your responsibility. Of course you love them and you want them to be happy, but finding happiness is their job. They’ll figure it out.
Send me a PM if you have questions.
Slip
Tzel
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 03:43 pm: [report]
As a guy, I think the best one from that list is the, “don’t go out in large groups and expect to meet men.” Large groups of girls remind us of trying to ask out our middle/high school crushes when they were surrounded by their throngs of friends.
Unless there are nearly an equal number of men in our group (unlikely), it’s a rather daunting task to go up to you and your group of friends (especially if they’re single as well), because not only do we have to deal with asking you out/for your number without looking like an idiot, but we also have to contend with the stares/gasps/etc of your friends at the same time.
cooldad
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 06:03 pm: [report]
It is hard to ask someone out on a date, but not as hard if it’s not a “date”. Asking people over for more casual hangout -watching the game, bar b q, meeting a group of friends at a bar - is easier and you’ll appear in a better light when you’re hanging out with your friends. You’re not as nervous, your sense of humor comes out more easily and there’s no pressure of a date. I may be a freak, but I’ve never been on a “date” - e.g., one-on-one with someone that I didn’t really know. Certainly, after I got to know the person hanging out
hawaiianpeach
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 07:12 pm: [report]
Some single people are single because they want to be. Let’s defy convention and consider those apples.
outdoorsie_guy
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 10:37 pm: [report]
As a guy, I agree that you probably won’t be approached if you are out with a large group of women.
I find that the friendly, some might call it flirty, outlook on life is almost unmatched when it comes to meeting someone new. I know that when I get approached by someone beaming with energy, and it seems like just the act of talking to me is putting them in a good mood, (let’s say someone who works in a different department at your work, or maybe a messenger who frequents there often) that it makes you feel good, and you look forward to talking to that person again.
If you are out with a large group of friends, take a few minutes for yourself. Make a solo lap around the bar, or take the long way back to the table, and smile! I guarantee you will increase your chances 300% (Try to resist the urge to make your bff tag along.)
I am a doctor, and from experience it seems like the best place to meet people is a place where verbal interaction is normal. Coffee shops might have cute people, but it’s hard to break the ice. Try volunteering, or take a cooking class or wine tasting event.
The best, and seemingly most random relationships I’ve had, arise from things like helping a stranger jump their car, or talking to the person waiting in line next to you.