Dating Don’ts: When His Parents Hate You
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
8:00AM, Thursday July 2nd 2009
For the first two years of my relationship with my Large Greek Boyfriend, his mom didn’t acknowledge me by name. I was simply, “The Girl.”
“Are you bringing The Girl?” she’d inquire when he made plans for family dinner. “Does The Girl like spanikopita?” Being a typical dude, it didn’t register on the BF’s radar, but her refusal to eke out more than those two syllables made me paranoid. Did she not like me because I’m not Greek? Had I said something stupid during our initial meet and greet? He assured me she liked me just fine, she just didn’t want to bother learning a name if I wasn’t going to stick around.
Whatever the case, his mom’s inability to say my name paled in comparison to 28-year-old lawyer Anna’s mother-in-law. “I met her at our wedding and the first thing she said to me—her new daughter-in-law—was, ‘So, are you pregnant?’”
Annoyed, Anna told her she’d have to wait and see. Things got worse after Anna gave birth to their son (two years later, thank you very much!). “The doctor came in to ask how I was doing and before I could answer—and in front of everyone—my mother-in-law asked the doctor, ‘How much for a paternity test?’” Sweet!
Brooklyn-based blogger Shelby had been dating her guy for a few months when it became glaringly clear that his parents considered her girlfriend-non-grata. “His parents decided I was a tramp, corrupting their sweet boy. His oldest brother’s girlfriend was in the same boat,” she reminisced. “They would make their hatred known by inviting the middle brother’s girlfriend—whom they approved of—to family events, but deliberately not inviting me or the other girl.”
Annoyed and hurt by her shunning, Shelby asked her man if there was anything she could do to improve the situation. “He was oblivious. He said they didn’t approve of girls who wore pants, so if I just wore skirts then everything would be okay.” Being a good sport, Shelby wrapped her normally jeans-clad butt in a skirt one visit. As she suspected, her new outfit had absolutely zero impact on their behavior.
Psychologist Rob Dobrenski says, “unless you’re Ghandi or perhaps Tina Fey, you have to get used to the idea that some people will not like you.” Besides, he adds, “conflicts with in-laws are at the core of the American sitcom because it’s so common.”
While it is true that the Borscht Belt was built on mother-in-law jokes, knowing that the woman who gave birth to your partner loathes you can be detrimental to an otherwise good relationship. Indeed Anna’s psycho MIL was a big factor in her decision to divorce. “She actually told my ex that she hated me because I killed her in a former life.” Kookoo!
Obviously she was a “special” case, but for your non-deranged, garden-variety crank, Dobrenski advises, “If you think you can actually change the situation, then by all means talk to them about it. But don’t kill them with kindness either; insincerity is the key ingredient in generating more conflict. Be yourself and embrace the idea that you won’t be everyone’s first choice for a BFF.”
While my boy’s mom and I aren’t BFF’s, we have grown closer over the years. And indeed, at about year 2.5, she started using my name—though she still always cutely tacks on a “the” in front of it. And I have to say, I’ve grown to enjoy being “The Judy.” It has a certain flair, don’t you think?
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GirlyLocks
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 08:16 am: [report]
11 years and 3 kids later, the monster-in-law still doesn’t seem to care for me (or our kids). Sometimes it’s not worth trying (or even caring how they feel about you). It’s their issue, not yours. Don’t let it become yours and you remain happy. Their own happiness is their problem.
Taurwen
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 08:33 am: [report]
My mom met my dad’s mother for the first time like five years ago (After over 20 years of marriage) apparently the woman looked her up and down and said “Huh” and then walked away.
We don’t really talk to my dad’s family though. I think the meeting was as good as it was going to get.
BlueVibe
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 08:39 am: [report]
My uncle wouldn’t call his new daughter-in-law by name for years, but it was because HE was a jerk.
EarthGoddess
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 08:57 am: [report]
My ex was a total Momma’s Boy (should have realized it a lot sooner than I did, but such is life) whose mother was bound and determined to hate any woman her son was with. A cousin of his who I was close to told me this when he and I became serious, and I didn’t believe her at first, but she was so right. She was a single mom for most of his childhood, so they were super close, but she actually had the nerve to cry at our wedding since “someone was taking her baby boy away from her.” Puh-lease! So glad she’s someone else’s drama now ...
writergirl
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 09:04 am: [report]
When my husband told his grandmother we were getting married. Her first question was, “Is she Catholic?” Yes. Then she said, “We’ve NEVER had an ITALIAN in the family before.”
Turns out that was the only statemen his grandmother and her DIL—his mother—ever agreed upon in forty some odd years of my MIL’s marriage. So I weathered the snide remarks about Italians—the food, the culture, the tendency toward crime, and the loud, obnoxious relatives.
Until one day we were discussing something and I said, “Well, there’s the German mentality for you. Started two world wars and lost both.”
We’ve pretty much gotten along since.
Humble Bee
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 09:38 am: [report]
I’m a very proud person, so when my ex told me to meet his mom, I said fine. The only thing is that she was already there, and I had just finished running about 5 miles so I was sweaty, out of breath, I probably looked like the brides men from the Taco Bell commercials, the one’s that ate the hot burritos… As I was walking towards her, with him, she looks me up and down, then just coldly turns around and starts walking away. Was I not cute enough for her, or what the hell? I felt like she should have given me a chance, her son is a fatass loser, who had never had a girlfriend before, what was she expecting? For him to bring a beauty queen home? I stayed with him for about 4 years, and never spoke to his mom, and denied going to his family events. My famnily was so nice to him, included him in everything, we took him on our family trips, my dad gave him advice, but he could never convince his mom to say anything nice about me. If he took me to a nice restaurant he’d say, if my mom finds out I brought you here, she’d be so mad. WHY!? WHY?! i’m your girl, you bastard. I’m never dating a mommas boy, I agree with EarthGodess, let someone els deal with that drama.
GreenAura
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 09:47 am: [report]
I thought for sure I was going to have a hard time with my mother in law. My hubby is an only child and she was a single mom, so my husband is literally all she has. I thought she would look at me as the one who is taking away her baby boy, but I was soooo wrong. The day that we met, she ran up to me with open arms and gave me a huge hug. After we got married she told me that she didn’t lose a son, she gained a daughter. Not only is she my mother in law, but she is a dear friend.
Chebs
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 11:09 am: [report]
I think most women could just pass off the crazy MIL as a crazy MIL and leave it be, if it weren’t for the fact that more often than not, the son doesn’t see anything wrong with it! My ex’s mother said all kinds of nasty things to and about me - I was a spoiled brat, clearly rich because I didn’t pay my own college (I worked my ass off for my scholarship, tyvm), immature, and “a bit heavy for a girl her age”. And nevermind all the bad things said because I refused to go to Christmas mass. I’d tell him about these things, and he’d simply say “that’s how she is”. Then he’d get upset when I wouldn’t want to go visit her.
Totally agree with EarthGoddess and Humble Bee: run, don’t walk from the momma’s boy.
LostInStars
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]
The first time I met my boyfriend’s mother, I ended up having to spend several DAYS with her… ALONE. The boyfriend hadn’t flown in yet. This was around Christmas. This was… Hell is not a strong enough word.
plumtree
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]
Hi Judy:
I’m a non-Greek gal married to a Greek guy. The MIL calls me “the ...” as well. But I’m not surprised, she calls her own kids with a “the” in front as well. You know why? That’s how names are mentioned in Greek. A man would be called “O <name>” and a woman would be called “E <name>” - where “O” and “E” are masculine and feminine “the"s respectively.
I used to be “Tou korichi” i.e. “the girl”
(girl/boy is neuter gender in Greek, with “Tou” as “the”)
until I became “E yeniaka tu <my husband’s name>”, i.e. “the woman/wife of ...”. Of course when my MIL speaks directly to me she just uses my real name, but when she refers to me, even infront of me, she uses the correct Greek grammar.
Thought I’d clear up any mixed feelings you might still have about “the” issue.
nakedsushi
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]
Ugh, thank goodness my future MIL is a sweetheart. We get along fantastically, I think she sees me as a third daughter because I am very feminine and her daughters aren’t exactly, so we always go shopping together, share beauty secrets, etc.
At first I thought she would HATE me because her son moved to my city to be with me after we’d been together only for a month and ‘I took her son away from her’ but luckily there’s no resentment.
And my future FIL is such a great guy… Actually, I get along really well with everyone, which is a huge relief! Such a weight lifted from a relationship!
kimkayt
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 05:20 pm: [report]
My MIL is such a heinous crab that after 20 years of marriage, she still “accidentally” called me by my husband’s first wife’s name, and couldn’t imagine why I would be upset… and after years of disrespectful behavior when she visited (rearranged furniture, ate food on the den furniture) I finally made it clear to the Hub that she was not welcome unless she could be more respectful—she hasn’t been back in five years… being right is WAY more important than her relationship with her son and grandson… I love the lack of drama!
HitOrMissJudy
wrote on July 3 2009 @ 08:58 am: [report]
Hey Plumtree, thanks for the clarification. But know that I wasn’t being snotty—-I actually do like being “the Judy.” It’s certainly nicer than anything my family calls me!
I Go To 11
wrote on July 3 2009 @ 11:48 am: [report]
My ex MIL was a nightmare. One of the first things she ever said to me after the ex and I were married was, “Always remember that you put your husband 1st, children 2nd and yourself 3rd.” No wonder her son thought he was entitled to not do crap to help me when our daughter was born! Oh, and speaking of when I had my little one, get a load of this: babies born in their family are bald, babies in my family are born with a full head of hair. When the ex called his mom to tell her that little one was healthy and give the stats, she asked if she was bald. When he told her no, she had a full head of hair, she said, “Are you sure she’s yours?” This was 10 minutes after I gave birth! And she and FIL couldn’t be bothered to stay for the birth, either; at the time, ex and I lived several states over from his folks. They came up to visit, and during that time I started going into labor. They left a few hours before I actually gave birth to go home because “they didn’t want to get caught in a snowstorm that was supposedly going to come through.” WTF?
THANKFULLY, my future inlaws are awesome, so I won’t have to worry about crap like this from them!
Infamous
wrote on July 4 2009 @ 03:55 pm: [report]
I don’t have MIL issues (she’s passed) but I do have future sister in law issues. At the last two family functions, she thought it important to say, “Yeah, I really liked his first wife. I don’t know why it didn’t work out with them.” To which I replied, “You mean the one that spread her legs for everyone but him?” Unbelievable. Who even says stuff like that?
Cherubina
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 08:53 am: [report]
I’ve kind of got the same story as Anna in the article. I met my partner’s mother only once, and that was probably the last time. She’s fanatically religious, and she got it in her head that because I’m vegetarian I’m in a cult and have been poisoning her son with my beliefs. She treated me nicely enough while I was there, but after I left, she berated my partner for being with someone like me. They got into an argument and he left her house and hasn’t spoken to her since.
Where my story differs from Anna’s is that my boyfriend saw his mother’s craziness early on while still a child, and I had to beg him (and my own parents had to pressure him) to meet her. We plan on eventually marrying, and he doesn’t even want to tell her about—let alone invite her to—the wedding.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 09:25 am: [report]
@Cherubina: And she didn’t see the ridiculousness of her words? She said you were in a cult for eating veggies, when she was fanatically religious, jeez I when some people do that.
vanilla
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 11:35 pm: [report]
My MIL is a nightmare!! The manipulative, controlling and hypocrite type of nightmare who thinks she’s always right and God forbid someone even remotely tries to challenge her. It’s ridiculous. She feels entitled to treat everyone however the hell she wants to and say whatever she wants to say, no matter how hurtful or disrespectful, but dare you react to it or say anything remotely similar to the things she says and she flips out like a crazy person. So pretty much what do her husband and her son choose to do? Keep their mouth shut, no matter what. She gets away with everything. It’s seriously ridiculous!
On my first visit a few days after I met her, my now husband had to go to work and I agreed to spending the afternoon with them, thinking it would be a good opportunity to get to know them better. What a mistake!! For about an hour and a half straight, this woman went on and on and on (and on some more) about all of his previous girlfriends and how many of them there had been and how beautiful they were, and how easily he dumped them, etc. It got so awkward that finally, the husband who keeps his mouth shut most of the time, ended up saying “ok, enough…”. That didn’t do it. She went on about it some more, just to make sure everyone understood that nobody tells her what to do or to shut the hell up.
Her worst displays of disrespect, however, always happen when her son is not around. She then tells him a completely distorted version of the story, takes things out of context and makes it look like she wasn’t disrespectful at all. She’s always right and she’s always the victim.
I think the worst part of all this is my husband either not noticing the manipulative behavior and the displays of disrespect or choosing to ignore them. I do understand that confronting her makes things worse, but not confronting her EVER simply perpetuates the problem. She’s gotten used to getting away with her #&@$%.
And, of course, I’m the woman who stole her son.
The woman has serious issues. I could write a whole book filled with all the unbelievable things she’s done ever since I met her. But you know what? I think I pity her. It’s really pathetic how she thinks she’s on top of the world when, deep down, this woman lives in fear…
FreeSpirit
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 02:12 am: [report]
When I met my husband, I assumed his mother was a widow. She still wore her wedding and engagement rings. Later I found out that her husband had left years earlier and no one knew where he was. My husband didn’t know if his parents were divorced or not. Then my mother-in-law won a free landscaping job and had a fit about not wanting her yard dug up. I thought, “Surely not! SURELY my unseen father-in-law couldn’t be—she couldn’t have—no, even though she’s a horrible woman, she wouldn’t stoop to—.” While picturing her being dragged away in handcuffs was appealing, my father-in-law eventually turned up alive and well.