Dating Don’ts: What You Should Know If You Insist On Being The Other Woman
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Thursday October 29th 2009
Like the David Letterman Debacle wasn’t bad enough, now we have the story of Steve Phillips, the ESPN analyst, who had an affair with a 22-year-old coworker. Unfortunately for the 46-year-old sports dude and married father of four, his latest dalliance (and apparently there’ve been many before her) turned into a bunny boiler when he broke it off with her.
Brooke Hundley, the jilted junior, went ballistic, repeatedly emailing and calling Phillips’ long-suffering wife, tricking their 16-year-old son into an online flirtation, and then finally showing up at the family home, scaring the crap out of everyone.
Lucky for Hundley, the Phillips declined to press charges, but her reputation, both professionally and personally, is shot. (His too. He’s since been fired from ESPN and has entered a treatment facility.) Obviously, being some cad’s side action is always a sucker’s game, but if you’re going to do it, do it right.
Choose Carefully.
It’s bad enough that you’re “dating” a married guy, but when you start sleeping with someone who’s in a position of authority over you, you’re putting yourself in an even worse position. Every good grade will be chalked up to your romance with the professor and every promotion credited to time served on your back. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that no one in your class or office knows, because people aren’t blind and you’re not that slick.
Don’t Go Home With Him.
Maybe he’s too cheap to pay for a hotel room, could be he secretly wants to get caught ... then again, maybe he’s just a sociopath. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard about a married dude bringing his girlfriend back to the house he shares with his wife and kids—usually when everyone’s out of town, but not always. Letterman even took his mistress on vacation with his family! Whatever his motivation, resist. You’re already hurting this woman by banging her husband; at least have the decency to stay out of the bed they share.
Accept That You’re #2 And Will Often Be Treated As Such.
Married guys will tell you a lot of things in their quest to bed you. That they haven’t slept with their [insert insulting descriptor here] wives for [insert insanely long period of time here] and that they’re only staying together for the [kids/finances/etc.]. You need to know going in that you will always come second. (Or third. Or fourth.) Sure, you might get expensive gifts, but you’ll also be spending nearly every holiday by your lonesome, you’ll never meet his friends, and plans will be canceled on a moment’s notice if something more important (i.e., anything) comes up.
You’re Not His First ...
When an acquaintance of mine started an affair with a married coworker, she was furious when I suggested this might not be the first time he’d strayed during his very long marriage. She screamed that I was a cynic and that their love was a special flower they alone shared. (On the conference room floor.) OK, she didn’t use the term “special flower,” but that was the gist. A week later I got an embarrassed call back reporting that, contrary to what he’d told her, he’d been straying since his wedding day. A cheat and a liar—who would’ve guessed?!
... And Probably Won’t Be His Last.
Most guys don’t leave their wives for the women they’re seeing on the side. Yes, I know—your grand passion is “different.” Snort. But what if he actually does splinter the family into bits and make a (semi) honest woman out of you? According to the website Beyond Affairs, only three percent of men marry their affair partners, and out of those only three percent of those marriages last. And why would they? You’re committing to a relationship that was built on lies and deceit.
On second thought, maybe you want to rethink this whole “other woman” thing?
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bethlynn00
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 10:10 am: [report]
I would go with just rethinking the whole other woman thing, skip it, no woman deserves that kinda stress and heartache…
AlisonNoelle
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]
Ok. Hows this. DON’T BE THE OTHER WOMAN. For Gods sake. Why is there another article about this? If you are sleeping with someone elses HUSBAND or boyfriend you are doing something WRONG. It IS black and white. Its just one of those things that you don’t do. There are so many single guys out there why do you have to try and get with someone who is already taken. Don’t be a skank and do this. Ugh.
aquamarine
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 11:08 am: [report]
Isn’t this just a rewrite of the article “How to Handle Being the Other Woman,” which shows up in the sidebar as a most-commented article?
Secret Story Time
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 11:09 am: [report]
I Agree with the entire contesnts of this well-written article. It is accurate!
Secretia
bogart4017
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]
@aquamarine—-no matter how many times this article is rewritten some women don’t get the message. Leave a woman’s husband alone. As most of us men know, we become 3 times more attractive with a band of gold on the 3rd finger left hand. Its up to us to say no.
casablancas
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]
What’s with all these “how to"s for successful infidelity, Frisky? I’m getting kind of tired of reading about ~The Other Woman.~ It’s not helpful or subversive, just annoying, repetitive and slightly pathetic. Perhaps the women on this site with appreciate posts that celebrate integrity- and honesty-filled relationships instead of whatever this is.
tabby
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]
Being the other woman isn’t ever really worth it. Yes, the sex is a thousand times hotter because of the threat of getting caught and illicitness of it all. But you can get hot sex from singles just as well (unless you thrive on the danger/illicitness). Do yourself a favor and date available people.
@bogart, you are very right. There is something about married men that makes them hotter than they would be if they were single.
fallonthecity
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
Maybe it’s just me, but this article doesn’t read like a guidebook about how to have an awesome relationship with a married man. It reads a little more like a reality check. So… don’t really see what’s wrong here.
GreenAura
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]
Is October “National Infidelity Celebration Month”? Why are there so many posts promoting infidelity like its a trend or something? Maybe the sexual act itself isn’t that big of a deal, but the pain associated with it is a very big f*cking deal to people who have been in this situation.
I am very disappointed with this site lately. I’ll be back when you ladies start posting articles on how to be successful, honest and respectable women (LIKE YOU USED TO!!). And I agree with @casablancas: Please start promoting healthy relationships. They do exist! Later!
B Rose
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 12:03 pm: [report]
I’m with @GreenAura. This stuff is sickening.
C.Munro
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 12:21 pm: [report]
I’ve got it! Men will just have to stop wearing wedding bands. That way they can’t tempt these poor women, who can’t control their urges because, y’know, they’re women.
Once you’re a married man, your cover story is that you’re single and you live with your mom and six cats.
Oh, and I think this take on the “other woman” thing was “don’t do it” disguised as advice on avoiding the pitfalls of infidelity. Even so, I’d prefer to see stories celebrating the qualities most people admire in a potential SO, such as honesty and integrity, than tongue-in-cheek advice that could be taken seriously by the ethically challenged.
ElleSays
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 12:24 pm: [report]
Stay away from married men. There’s just no point. Plus it’s WRONG
bethlynn00
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]
Really? It is? That’s the justification for affairs is hot sex and the thrill of being caught? When I was stupid enough to cheat on my boyfriend, there was no thrill in possibly being caught, that fear actually took away from the pleasure of the sex and afterwards it wears on you. I don’t think real thrill seekers find their fix thru affairs.
lea322
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
I think (hope) this article was a joke…but even if it is, clearly, people don’t find this topic funny.
Amelia McDonell-Parry
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 12:37 pm: [report]
@fallonthecity Exactly.
bumbler
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 12:39 pm: [report]
My advice for potential other women and men:
1)If you want to know the true face of infidelity head over to the survivinginfidelity.com forums and read those men and women’s stories. Pay special attention as they detail the lies their wandering spouses told the affair partner (ex: “It’s a sexless marriage”, “we’re only together for the kids”, “S/he’s emotionally abusive, doesn’t understand me”, “You’re different and special”).
2)Then ask yourself if you’d like to be involved in something that causes that kind of pain and devastation to another person’s life.
3) If the answer is still yes, get into therapy for your #&@$% up mental health and remove yourself from the dating pool until you get your issues worked out.
bumbler
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 12:41 pm: [report]
ugh “lies” was supposed to be bolded not “the”. Wrong emphasis. LIES
Stellamira
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 02:20 pm: [report]
I’m going to agree with fallonthecity here. This is at least saying that if someone thinks it’s a good idea, it’s probably (I mean a .0009 percent chance) not going to end in a successful romance that breaks off from his “[abusive/cruel/etc]” wife.
I think dabbling with infidelity is a lot more than a “dating don’t,” and personally would rather have more advice towards building healthy relationships instead. Come on, Frisky.
retro chic
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 04:38 pm: [report]
@casablancas, @GreenAura, @B Rose: Hear! Hear! Thank you!
Circling the drain with your regulars, TF.
jadoremode
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 05:43 pm: [report]
I slept with a guy knowing he had a girlfriend. Despite making him break up with her after the first time we slept together, I still after eight months of being together did not trust him and he did not trust me. It was an AWFUL relationship, his mom would meddle into our fights, asking/begging me to talk with him, I would because I cannot ignore a mom, honestly, all our fights would be about our lack of trust for one another. Honestly, I would never recommend it to anyone, I don’t know what I was thinking when I did this, probably the most selfish, stupidest decision I’ve ever made.
elizabethmarley
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 09:27 am: [report]
I agree with everyone who said it before: disregard all the advice and just DON’T BE THE OTHER WOMAN. Ever. Don’t do it.
tvprofessor
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 11:32 pm: [report]
What they need to do is write an article on how to get over being the other woman….especially when they didn’t know they were the other woman.
Happened to me 2 years ago, the guy had a separate apartment, I met his friends, we went on dates and had a great time. One of my co workers told me that he was married with 2 kids. Left me utterly devestated, I was more angry with myself rather than him because I couldn’t believe that I had been involved with a married man.
Gingee
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:18 pm: [report]
To C. MUNRO:
If you are the guy who asked about male contraception, the trial is underway at the University of Washington Medical Center.
Gingee
DancingGeek
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 07:47 pm: [report]
I said it on the other “other woman” post and I’ll say it again.
Please have enough self respect to know you deserve better than the crumbs that a married person has to offer.
Please know that you deserve to have a whole person who wants to be with you- out loud, in the sunight, not scurrying around in the shadows, and in closed hotel rooms.
and echoing Bumbler- If you don’t think you’re worth more, please go to therapy.
bloomoon
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:02 pm: [report]
Hello all you angry people… Did y’all miss that big YELLOW sign at the top of the column that says “Dating Dont’s”?????
I’m pretty sure that’s an indicator of “What NOT to do”.
msu.umich
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:14 pm: [report]
Keep it up Frisky. Fall on the City, bloomoo got it right. I’m not going anywhere, I still love this site, and don’t change your style or tone because some readers have a very limited sense of humor/sarcasm/irony.
msu.umich
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
haha, sorry, bloomooN - although bloomoo is kind of cute
bloomoon
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
msu… no worries. I’ve been called MUCH worse!
ootie grl
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 08:19 am: [report]
Just find a single one. Its not like pokemon, you dont have to catch them all.