Dating Don’ts: Why You Should Always Trust Your Gut
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
8:10AM, Thursday July 16th 2009
How many times have you been out with a foxy new someone only to have him do or say something that made your stomach lurch—and not in an I-wanna-make-babies-with-him-now way. Maybe he was nasty to your waiter. Perhaps it was more subtle—he snickered when you tripped or didn’t introduce you to the attractive “friend” you ran into. Then again, maybe there was nothing you could articulate, but he just felt off. How many times have you ignored that feeling?
I was in the midst of a very long dry spell when my buddy Don offered to fix me up with his friend Robbie. According to Don, Robbie was employed, funny, and somewhat attractive. As I hadn’t so much as kissed a guy in months, I said yes.
Robbie called almost immediately. He was charming and hilarious and we made a plan to go out the following week. I was surprised when he called the next night, but happy to hear from him. I explained I was on my way out the door. He’d had a terrible day at work and wanted to discuss. First he tried cajoling me into blowing off my friends so we could talk, and when that didn’t work, he flipped out and hung up on me. I was put off, but when he called the next night, full of apologies, explanations, flattery and more apologies, I cautiously agreed to keep our date.
Big mistake.
Gavin DeBecker’s The Gift of Fear talks about the “brilliant internal guardian” that warns you away from potentially violent situations and people. His premise is that you should always listen to what your gut is telling you. In fact, according to a recent story in New Scientist, “it turns out that because our emotions emerge from our unconscious mind, from our internal supercomputer, they tend to reflect more information than our rational mind.” Translation: our gut instinct can save us from a lot of grief.
So why do so many of us ignore our guts? After being burned by several bad relationships, Jenny, a pretty, petite, rock guitarist told me, “I always listened to my sexual urges, which is probably why now I’m without sex—because I’ve learned to listen to my gut and my brain.”
Jenny’s personal worst was when she moved to the other side of the country for someone she barely knew. “I knew halfway across the country that it was the wrong decision.” So why did she slog westward, even though her gut was screaming no? “I was more worried about him than I was myself; even though I knew I was putting myself into a bad situation by doing so.”
My good friend Jennifer allowed herself to be talked into believing her philandering boyfriend was actually faithful even though every fiber of her being told her otherwise. “He said that he and his mother were concerned that I was crazy and they were going to get me help,” she tells me. “It worked for a while—I thought I was being jealous and possessive.” The fact that he drew his mom into the equation somehow made it seem more legit, but when Jenny walked in on him kissing another woman that all fell by the wayside. “It turned out that he was sleeping with half my friends.”
As for Robbie and myself? Though our time together was blessedly brief, it was one of the most hellacious relationships I’ve ever put myself through. The only thing I took away from it was the knowledge that the next time my gut twists itself into a Cirque du Soleil-style contortion, I’m sprinting in the opposite direction as fast as my feet will carry me.
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Humble Bee
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 08:58 am: [report]
Great post!
I’m with you one this one 100 percent, sometimes we get carried away trying to please others and trying not to dissapoint them, that we don’t even listen to ourselves. I used to be the type that would think it, but never say it, even when I thought it was the stupidest idea ever, I somehow still went along with whatever it was. I now, have learned to speak my mind, if i’m feeling it or not, I’ll let you know. I used to lie to guys, and try to spare their feelings, but thats just making them worse, they’ll just continue doing what you dont like. You feel better when you listen to your gut, because you know you did the right thing for yourself.
GirlvWorld
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 09:38 am: [report]
I hate the “your crazy” crap. Going with your instinct is not crazy… and if he doesn’t have the decency to give you a real answer istead of deflecting and making you feel like a nutter, then he’s an idiot and you’re better off without him.
http://www.blog.#&@$%.com
VsegdaOdna
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]
Man, where was this in February?!
majicksand
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 12:18 pm: [report]
This article is so validating. I’ve been couseling people to “trust the gut” for years. It took me forever to learn for myself. My latest favorite quote is, “good judgement comes from experience, most of which comes from bad judgement.” People tell me all the time that I give great advice. I tell them it’s because I’ve already made every mistake they can think of. 200 mph the wrong way down a one-way dead end street with my hair on fire. Yup, that pretty much sums up my 20s.
mayorbubbles
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
i’ve learning this quite recently and i hope i stick to it
ksdancer
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 01:56 pm: [report]
DON’T buy into the “you’re crazy” or any other BS a guy doles out. Its his way to manipulate you into doing what HE WANTS while ultimately he is just a passive aggressive man who sees himself as the victim so that everything is everyone else’s fault. WE have this instinct for a REASON..lets start relying on it. I do now, for sure, after many mishaps!
Gingee
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 05:50 pm: [report]
Gavin De Becker’s book The Gift of Fear ought to be mandatory reading for all females. As he said,
The word NO must never be negotiated. I like what he wrote, that men are used to having attention paid to what they say, and how they disregard our very real fears of danger from other men, fears that they will rarely encounter.
One of my guidelines: I do not CARE if he is a Nice Guy, He must be a Good Guy.
Remember: The word NO is a complete sentence.
Men who ignore your NO are either a menace or a pest and not worthy of your time.
wonderfultonight
wrote on July 18 2009 @ 08:33 pm: [report]
Great artcle. Wish I’d had such sense before I got burned several times when I was younger.
@Gingee Good post. I hope every woman reads this book - it would be nice if men didn’t think *NO* means *maybe* but there are those who do, sadly. (Not all men, thankfully.)
Shasta
wrote on July 20 2009 @ 03:05 pm: [report]
@Judy. Good Post.
You failed to menion WHY women don’t trust their gut.
Gavin DeBecker notes that we women have been trained to be “nice.” First and foremost. Above our own safety or well-being. That is why.
And men implicitly know that. Criminals, Sociopaths and Abusers use that fact to manipulate us girls into NOT trusting our gut, and we all know what happens then.
We only need to be nice to those earn who it.
Good post.
angel001717
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 11:46 pm: [report]
what if you are too insecure to run even when you know better? i mean, i know this guy i fancy is only in it for a booty call and is not the nice guy he pretends to be… but i just dont want to give him up because he really likes me (ok not me, but my body, anyway) and he is the first and one of the only guys to ever appreciate me like that. im afraid i’ll never find anyone else. let alone anyone better. deep down i know better. actually, i know better period. but i tend to ignore the little voice saying that i deserve better. any suggestions? any ideas about how to improve my self-esteem, or whatever it is i need to forget about this loser?
Gingee
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 04:26 am: [report]
ANGELOO1717:
Your query: What if you are too insecure to put your OWN happiness first? I know that this will sound cold, but you can expect to be used, abused and abandoned.
You wrote that you know Mr. NOT A NICE GUY is pursuing you because he wants to use your body to satisfy HIS NEEDS. He does not like you, has zero respect for you, and if you give in for any reason:
What have you gained?
I will guess what will happen. He will klck you to the curb, and the ooly time he will call is when the other girls he RESPECTS, because they demand it, have rejected him.
Besides, you do not want a Nice Guy, you want a Good Guy.
“He is the first and one of the only guys to ever appreciate me like that.” So?
You are afraid you will never find anyone else, let alone anyone better than this guy who wants you to service him.
Oh, hon: The world is filled with GOOD GUYS. For every creep like this one, there are so many guys willing to do the right thing, to think of you, to please you, cherish and love you.
I do not know how to teach this, but: You will meet better men once you start believing that which is true:
You deserve better.
I will tell you what a guy said about a girl who offered herself to him sexually. That each time he respected her less and less. He never took her up on her offer of free sexual services.
Wish my twin brother were here so he could give you the benefit of his experience.
As for hwo to forget about this loser: DO NOT FORGET about him. Remember him for what he is, and for who he is not, remind yourself that you are the prize to be won and he never deserved you.
Keep in mind that men put us into two categories: Women they wed and women they bed.
Get a copy of Manuel J. Smith’s bool “When I say No, I Feel Guilty”. It is THE book on how to improve self esteem.
Monty
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 05:02 am: [report]
Excellent, excellent article - spot on advice. Going with my gut is something I’ve learnt slowly and painfully over the years, but listening to it - however difficult - has been enormously worthwhile.
angel001717: I’d echo Gingee’s good advice, except for the last bit, that: “men put us into two categories: Women they wed and women they bed.” That’s true to some extent (and definitely sounds true of the guy you mention - steer well clear of him!), but it’s just not true that this is always the case.
I have a wonderful, enormously caring boyfriend who started off as a drunken one-night stand - but my gut liked him from the start. Any guy who thinks less of you because you sleep with him (he’s sleeping with you, too, which just makes it all the more ridiculous!), or sleeps with you when that’s all he wants and he knows you like him, isn’t worth your time.
If he does divide women into sex/marriage categories, he’s a sexist dick and you certainly deserve better than that.
I absolutely know that ‘What if this is my only chance? What if no-one better, or just no-one *at all*, comes along?’ fear. The weirdly paradoxical thing, though, is that someone better will only come along if you’re good to yourself and don’t settle for what’s not right for you, or even bad for you.
The thing is - what you don’t realise, is the sense of achievement and satisfaction that will come from respecting and caring for yourself enough to turn down or not pursue guys undeserving of you. And it’s that feeling that will lead you to start seeing and attracting really good guys.
Good luck! Do let us know how it goes!
Gingee
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 07:59 am: [report]
Oh, but Gingee does believe this about men, that based upon their first impressions of us, how we dress, etc., they put us into one category or another. Maybe it could be said as “Gals they respect, and gals that they do not respect.”
I also believe that some of us do the same:
That the first time we meet a guy, we KNOW answers to some things:
1) Is he a good guy? If your Gift of Fear (Gavin De Becker) instinct says “NO”, keep walking. Your Instinct of survival has one goal, to keep you alive.
2) Is he sexually attractive?
3) Can I love him?
and that we know this in under five seconds.
As I call it, we have options. Please tell me when/where you think I am wrong. We gals of 2007 have choices because we no longer need to marry/produce kids in order to survive. Re: Sex. As we are trading goods and services for goods and services, we’re making smarter choices.
About ANGELOO1717, I think that she would gain NOTHING from having sex with that guy. Without even knowing him, I can imagine his thinking “Women are like carpets. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk over them forever.”
There are worse things than being alone, and one of those Worst Things is ending up with that lump on the couch, expecting you to cater to his every whim, just because he’s a male.
Some men are better than others.
The ones we can do without are the ones who think with the wrong head.
Gingee
majicksand
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 08:20 am: [report]
@Angel: The previous advice has been very good. It was well thought out, and absolutely correct. The problem you may have is how to implement it.
I’d like to offer a suggestion to get you started. It’s silly and shallow, but it works.
Give yourself a title. Seriously. Mine is “Empress of the Universe”. Grandiose? ridiculous? Absolutely. So what. It’s a shallow way to remind myself of my personal power.
Amongst my friends it’s a running joke. I use it in a teasing, somewhat self-deprecating way. With pompous, self-absorbed jerks, I use it to explain why I consider them undeserving peasants. They may have unflattering things to say as I walk away (usually about how arrogant I am - I DO love the irony here), but who cares? They’ve proven they are unimportant in my world, and unworthy of my notice. Simply put, I outrank them.
With the truly distasteful guys, I don’t use it at all. I cut my eyes at them to make sure they know I’m not interested and walk away. My title just gives me the confidence to do so.
Yes, I know. It’s silly. It’s shallow. It certainly won’t “fix” your bruised self-esteem. It is, however, a bit of temporary armor to get you through while you build yourself back up for real.
Just remember to only use it on disrepectful guys. You don’t want to alienate a good guy because YOU look like the arrogant idiot. lol
I hope this helps. It worked for me.
Gingee
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 08:30 am: [report]
Oh la la. I like you and we haven’t even met.
What I say to some friends, “THEY will never be as smart as we are. And if you will forgive my saying so, we have a slightly better taste in men.”
My title, shared with two others: The Ice Queen.
B1ll
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 08:54 am: [report]
@Angeloo1717 Every woman has her own beauty and there will always be men to truly appreciate it. The fact that there was a first shows that there will be more. And (sorry to be blunt) there are so many men who readily attracted to any woman’s physical appearance that you don’t have to worry about not finding another partner. Most of us are easy in that way.
Why obsess over someone who only appreciates your body? You are a unique person deserving to be valued for whom, not what, you are. Everyone has their moments of insecurity but have faith that there is someone out there looking for you.
Monty
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 10:43 am: [report]
Gingee: Ah, right - I think I misunderstood what you meant. People definitely do divide others in respect/don’t respect categories, as you say.
I suppose my point was just that, at the bottom of it, I think it doesn’t really have to do with whether you sleep with a guy right away or not. What counts is not how quickly you do it, but whether it’s something you genuinely want and are adequately respecting yourself in doing.
I mean, I’ve shagged guys when I wanted more from them and I kind of knew they only wanted to sleep with me, and, yes, I think they must have lost respect for me - not because of the sex per se, but because of what it symbolised, that I didn’t really value myself enough not to go for someone who didn’t deserve me.
Any time you go against what’s really good for you, you reinforce your own belief that you’re not worthy of respect and communicate the same thing to other people. I guess, with guys, it’s just often expressed through sex.
There’ve been other times when I’ve liked someone and slept with him right away, but when I can tell he likes me too and is a good guy (or when I don’t want anything more from him), it’s fun and good, rather that self-undermining.
Symian
wrote on July 24 2009 @ 10:15 pm: [report]
I like this post. My gut is the most sensible part of my body, and I swear it’s gotten me out of more trouble. Being from Las Vegas, my biggest tipoff to a nice/bad guy is when he’s rude to the staff and flashes his money, I suppose to show how much better than everyone else he is and that he can afford to own you. I hope that this gets women to listen to the little voice of doubt that speaks up whe we’re around bad vibes.