Dating Don’ts: To Tell Or Not To Tell?
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
10:30AM, Thursday July 30th 2009
The first time I met my now-close friend Gina, she was rhapsodizing about her awesome boyfriend, Eugene. After a few minutes, I realized I’d already met him. But he wasn’t the sweetheart she was describing.
I was familiar with Eugene because the weekend before he had propositioned me in a particularly crude manner. I realized I had two choices: tell her what kind of loathsome dirtbag she was dating or keep my mouth shut in the hopes that she’d someday figure it out on her own.
I went with Option A. I told Gina that she could do much better than that jerk and blurted out the whole tacky tale. She was understandably upset, but appreciated my candor. I was lucky—she dumped him, but kept me as a friend.
I barely knew Gina when I spilled my guts. If she’d been a close friend I would’ve been on the phone as soon as it happened. But not everyone agrees you should tattle on a wayward partner. My buddy Erin didn’t find out until years later that her husband had been hitting on her close friend, Susan. And that was only after another mutual friend spilled the beans, long after Erin and her husband had split up.
Most of the people I spoke with said they were reluctant to tell because they felt it was none of their business. I asked my good pal Debra if she would let me know if she saw my boyfriend making out with some other broad.
“No way,” she said firmly. “That’s between you, your man, and the tramp.” Debra! Bad friend!
Others said they’d zip their lips because they were wary of falling victim to “shoot-the-messenger” syndrome. Author Michael Malice knew that was a concern when he discovered a friend’s boyfriend’s secret blog, dedicated to all the other women he was schtupping. “She thought they were in a long-term monogamous relationship,” Michael explained. “I told her to go check out his blog.” As a precaution against the inevitable reprisal, he made her swear to leave his name out of it.
Predictably, she didn’t. So instead of writing about the women he was lusting after, the boyfriend shifted the focus of his blog to smack-talking Michael Malice. As for the friend? She never spoke to Michael again.
I like to think I’d react differently, but when you have a lot invested in a partnership it’s sometimes easier to blame the person who’s smashing your rose-tinted glasses than the one who’s breaking your heart. I remember how enraged my ex-friend Jill was when I suggested she might not be the first sliver of side action her married boyfriend had enjoyed. She yelled at me and hung up in a fury.
A week later, she called to reluctantly report I’d been right, and she was but one in a long line. Our relationship never recovered and she eventually came up with a lame excuse to end our friendship. Malice said he completely understood this impulse. “Nobody wants to think of themselves as someone who’s being played.”
Despite the risks involved, I’m fairly sure I’d still tell a pal if I knew her partner was messing around. Malice feels otherwise. “I would only do so in the future if I expected the relationship to end.”
Maybe it’s unwise, but I’d be prepared to take that risk. Partly because I have a big mouth incapable of containing a secret, but more because I know how angry and betrayed I’d feel if I found out that everyone but me knew I was dating a cheater.
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Raugiel
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 09:45 am: [report]
I’d tell, with as much sympathy as possible. If the friend can’t take it and I lose her, that’s too bad, but its better than being a bad friend by keeping the hurtful secret.
elizabethmarley
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 09:45 am: [report]
At last count, my ex cheated on me with FIFTEEN different girls. I knew about some, suspected others, and a few were complete surprises. After we broke up, out closest mutual friends started spilling the beans on this girl, or that—and one friend even sat me down and listed each girl and when they had been together.
On one hand, I feel like the relationship is over and it just doesn’t matter how many women he was with, it could have been one or one hundred. On the other hand, I really feel like these friends did not have my back. They saw him fooling around and not only kept it from me, but made the ex feel like he could just get away with it.
I wouldn’t expect an acquaintance to tell me, but I really wish the close friends had spoken up.
40yrolddad
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 09:45 am: [report]
if you think it’s a dilemma when you’re dating wait till you’re married & you find out 1/2 of a couple (w/kids) you’re friends w/is having an affair…
oh, & before you warm up your flame-throwers & chainsaws it’s the woman (& yes, I realize there’s a man involved too but I don’t know his name so couldn’t tell his wife even if I wanted)...
tabby
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 09:55 am: [report]
I think that many people say that they would want to know, but actually don’t. Your friends can’t be sure that you would want to know, as a lot of people are either aware their partner is having an affair or at least suspect it. Most friends figure that if you really wanted to know, you would talk to them about it or be snooping around looking for evidence. Personally, I would not want to know if it was a one time fluke of cheating. Don’t tell me. I don’t care. If he is habitually cheating, I will figure it out on my own and ask you if you know anything about it. So unless my friend has concrete evidence of an ongoing affair, he or she should not mention anything.
bumbler
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 09:55 am: [report]
For a tricky situation like this I do what I would want others to do for me. I would want others to tell me upfront so I do the same. If they chose to stop being friends with me because of it obviously they were not great friends to begin with. All I can do is do what allows me to sleep soundly at night.
skywalk
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 09:58 am: [report]
I would tell a friend but maybe by asking questions: What’s up with your husband/boyfriend and so and so or who was that redhead I saw your husband/boyfriend with the other night maybe or just up and tell. But I would want to know and what if they catch a STD because your friend thought they were exclusive, wouldn’t you feel quilty?
bumbler
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 10:00 am: [report]
@skywalk exactly. This kind of behavior is more than emotional they could be endangering your friend’s life or health.
chubbie
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 10:04 am: [report]
that debra sounds like one smart cookie.
*sam*
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 10:10 am: [report]
There is no “catch-all” answer to this question. Nobody, unless they’ve already been in this situation before, knows whether or not they would actually *want* to know if their partner was straying or not. I’ve been cheated on before, and didn’t find out until after wards, and while I always thought that I would like to know, I’ve come to realize that it’s not true. I would rather not know unless it was a reoccurring thing. I don’t believe in the idiom ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ and if my man f*cked up once, I would rather not know a/b it, b/c chances are, he’s beating himself up daily and telling me would only crumble the foundation of trust we have. This again, is all just for me personally.
That being said, if I found out that my friend’s partner was cheating, I would debate this question in my head before spilling the beans. I really only have like, maybe 5 good friends that I would feel morally obligated to consider telling, and I have pretty much discussed the issue with all of them. My BFF of like 12 yrs (& coincidentally my only female friend) would want to know, so I have promised her that if I ever caught her gf cheating, or in a compromised position, I would let her know. However, I have other friends that are like me, and would only want to know if a) it was *absolutely* certain, and b) it happened more than once. So, I have likewise promised them, that I would keep my mouth shut unless the previous criteria are met.
It’s MHO that the topic should be discussed with all of your close friends, b/c the possibility of losing a really good friendship over the matter is a possibility, and I would rather be prepared than to end up losing a friend b/c I misjudged him/her.
Kathls
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 10:14 am: [report]
I couldn’t agree more. I took that gamble though with a friend of 15 years and lost out. It didn’t concern her bf cheating, but that I was worried about the race-to-the-aisle speed her relationship was taking. What I got in return was an email telling me I needed to ‘seek mental help’. I truly thought I was doing what was best, and as a result my friend of 15 years dumped me for a guy she had known for 2 years. I was not only crushed, but angry. I had nothing but the best of intentions and she couldn’t see anything other than me trying to rain on her wedding parade. After all, I was the one who had been there when her grandfather died, the one who stayed up all night writing her name on little ribbons for class elections, the one to console her when she lost, the one who took excessive amounts of break time at my job to listen to her whine about the terrible professors in her nursing program.
I guess the reason I would do it again, would be that it was a HUGE learning experiment. No matter how close you think you are with someone, despite your earnest of efforts, you might come up the villain. So you have to factor that in your choice. In the end it also made me realize that our relationship had been drifting apart in the last couple of years and it had been on her part; she just stopped making the effort. While I would make the time to listen to her tears, etc., she hardly called, always had an excuse for why we couldn’t go out to dinner or hang out. Why would I want that kind of drain in my life? There’s nothing I hate worse than a one-sided friendship, and it took something like this to open my eyes to it.
While I would want and except candor from close friends if a spouse of bf was definitively and repeatedly cheating, from now on I can’t go with my gut reaction to tell. I’ll have to weigh if I want to risk losing them now or maybe later if they were to find out I didn’t say anything.
claviviera
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 10:21 am: [report]
If any of my girlfriends are reading this: Please tell me, ok?! I might be temporarily ticked-off, I might even yell at you and tell you “...but it can’t be true?” and have a big, bitching cry-session…. but please DO tell me.
Having said that: You also better know with super-duper 120% that you are right about this fact. Not only speculation….
I travel a lot for my job so trust is very important in a relationship. If any of my girls actually see my guy out and getting too close to another woman….. I’d want to know.
If I see one of my girls’ man behave like a tart, I’d tell…..
sparklestar
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 10:26 am: [report]
Urgh. My ex is currently cheating on his girlfriend of 1yr+ with several different women. He just can’t seem to keep his end to himself !!
I am not friends with his current girlfriend (facebook friends don’t count) and to make matters worse he is best friends with my boyfriend. And they work together. And sit next to each other.
If I told his current girlfriend she’d be distraught. As far as I see it the evidence is all over his facebook, twitter and so on and so forth so if she hasn’t noticed it then I am not opening that can of worms! His girlfriend is only 18 so it would likely mess her up emotionally for the rest of her life.
At the last count he’d cheated on her with at least four other women and is currently pursuing two more.
kalibrooke
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]
tell, tell, tell… that’s what real friends do. if the relationship does not recover, a true friendship doesn’t exist. that said, the person who outs the offender should be absolutely sure, and delicate to boot.
i’ve been in judy’s position, and true to form, i couldn’t (and didn’t want to) keep what i knew a secret. my friend was mad and took it out on me, but when the pain subsided, she broke it off with the a-hole and our relationship recovered. we haven’t talked about it specifically since then, but deep down, i think she appreciates that she has people who would put themselves out there for her.
Sonic
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 11:05 am: [report]
I’d want to know if it ever happened to me, so I’d tell my friends if their SO is screwing around.
I consider only very close people friends, so I wouldn’t worry about the anger. I’d tell pals (people you have a good time with, but aren’t necessarily close to) and if they blew up at me, it’s no skin off my nose.
ksdancer
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
This IS as tough question. i think most women KNOW (subconsiously) if their guy is cheating so having someone else confirm it is usually not taken well and does end friendships….sad but true.
I personally, would want to know, as I have been in situations where I found out too late that my guy had been sleeping around. Also, I will listen to someone give me advice, weigh it, thank them for it and then look at the source. By that I mean, I have one g/f who insists I should dump every guy she’s seen me with so I listen and thank her then tell her to MYOB because she’s dating and screwing 2 ex-boyfriends at the same time, so who is she to give ME advice? But at least I DID listen.
We are all on our own paths of learning our life lessons. Some people take longer than others to work thru their lessons and if being with a cheater is part of it (so you learn something valuable about yourself), then allow each person to work at their own speed.
soulja brookestuh
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 11:20 am: [report]
Always tell. There is nothing worse than being oblivous in a relationship and looking like a fool!
Chebs
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]
I would tell, but I would try to do it in skywalk’s method- “I saw Brad out with a some girl at a bar last night, is his sister in town?”. Hopefully this would avoid the ‘shoot the messenger’ and I could be casual enough about it that if it was something innocent, I wouldn’t get jumped on for trying to cause trouble.
Personally, I *think* I would want to know. Having never been in a cheating relationship, I can’t say for certain. I would hope that I could be gracious to whoever told me, that I could lean on my friend for support, and not take out the inevitable anger on her (afterall, she isn’t the one who was supposed to love me and only me but ran around with every girl in town). But honestly, I hope I never have to find out, and I hope I never have to be in the position to tell someone else.
betty123
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 01:20 pm: [report]
I have actually been in a situation where my friends husband has made innappriate comments to me on multiple occassions. It is always in a way that it is not overt though so I know that if I ever say anything to her he could explain it away. So since it is her husband, I know I would automatically the bad guy. So I choose to be quiet about it since I know I would never go there. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if he does it to others too.
There was an incident where I had reason to believe that the husband emailed me by accident with a message that was intended for someone else. Without going into details, I thought that he was sending an innappropriate message to a female that wasn’t her. I immediately called her and broke it to her gently. I said that I don’t know what it meant but I felt I should share the information with her and let her decide what to do with it. Not my business but I would support her as her friend no matter what. However, it turned out to be a misunderstanding that we all laughed about. Hey, because of his comments I had reason to be suspicious. Moral to the story, she was not mad at me at all because being one of my best friends, she knows that she can trust that I would never bring up something like that without a real reason.
I think it would have been a different story though if she wasn’t one of my best friends. So in that case what I would suggest would be not to directly tell the person but if possible inform a closer friend that they trust to break the news. It would be a lot less awkward for the person that is being cheated on in such an emotionally charged situation.
kmatter
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 01:59 pm: [report]
i’d tell cuz i’d want someone to tell me. simple as that.
IrinaGonzalez
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 02:27 pm: [report]
I think it’s prob easier to tell it to somebody if you’re an acquaitance. I mean, it’s sort of none of your business but also if that person never talks to you again, it’s not a big deal.
Though I completely agree that if I a friend didn’t tell me my bf was cheating, I’d feel very betrayed by my friend. I mean, it ISN’T their business what goes on behind closed doors- but if they’re a true friend, then it IS their business that I’m not being hurt and that I’m happy. Or at least I would hope that they care enough about me to risk my friendship to open my eyes to the truth.
Coral
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 02:41 pm: [report]
I would tell a best friend and a friend, if I knew they wanted to know, or if it was a regular occurrence. And I would tell an acquaintance too..although I would probably tell the acquaintance’s best friend for the best friend to decide if the person really wants to know. Cheating can ruin trust in a relationship, so the decision to tell is always difficult.
Kesseire
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 02:42 pm: [report]
Like some of the other posters have said, I would feel very betrayed if a friend knew my SO was cheating and said nothing. If a friend broke me the news I might feel embarrassed and resent them a bit, but in the end I would come around; not telling me would REALLY ruin the friendship, though.
Consequently, I’d tell my friend if I knew that his or her SO was cheating, too.
lowcapacityx
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 07:58 pm: [report]
I think it’s part of the “girl-code” and you gotta tell your girl what is going on with her man. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose (a friend) and well, as long as you have good intentions I think that it will always end positively. Either way I think it doesn’t help anyone by sugar-coating and hiding things from someone esp. if you were in their position. In most cases I think you’d like to know if you were being CHEATED on! Why waste time with a man who doesn’t respect you?
Most of the time we just don’t know how to talk about a topic that is way too touchy and well prob. not our business but is in their best interest. I feel that if you know the right way to go at it and be as sympathetic as possible then the chances of you loses a friend is low and the chances of you getting closer to one is high IE this article.
I would def. tell my friend and help her/him through the process. Nobody deserves to be cheated on.
bamagirl2012
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 09:47 am: [report]
If I knew my friends SO was cheating on him or her, I would confront the cheater first, giving him the chance to go home and beg for mercy. If I SAW a cheater in action, there would either be a “get over here now” call or a direct confrontation from me on the spot. Maybe that’s a bit tough, but I’m not about to watch anyone do something that would hurt my friend.
bamagirl2012
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 09:49 am: [report]
(I’m not normally a meddler, but cheating is a really big deal in my book)
Silver_Stag
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 10:08 pm: [report]
I’d just tell them, but break it to them gently with leading questions, like skywalk said. As for me, I would want to know. I have too much experience with my supposedly close friends keeping things from me “for my own protection” (their exact words) before and trust me, it does not feel good to know that everyone but you was aware of your highly private situation.
Gingee
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 09:20 am: [report]
I wouldn’t, unless I had proof, like a videotape of the cheating sleazebag.
Even then, I might say nothing for one reason: Some wives prefer to not know. That way they can avoid making a painful choice.
angel001717
wrote on August 16 2009 @ 08:13 pm: [report]
tell her! tell her! tell her!!! if she is your friend then you know she deserves better than a cheating bastard! and if she is a decent friend she will see that you only want the best for her. if she cant then she is worth loosing. oh, but it all depends on HOW you tell her. be gentle. be kind. dont make it seem like you are gloating or pittying her. it can happen to anyone. the best of women.