Dating Don’ts: The Worst Breakup Lines Ever
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
8:00AM, Thursday June 25th 2009
Nowhere is the difference between men and women so glaring as when it comes down to the demise of a relationship. Specifically, the unexpected, unwanted, one-sided break-up otherwise known as the dumping.
A dumped dude might get angry. Then again, he might just get depressed and mope quietly in his room. He may go to a strip club or pick up a one-night-stand at a bar. What he won’t do is call up all his buddies and poll them about what they think his ex really meant when she quit returning his calls. Nor will he tearfully declare that said ex must have been either too intimidated by his devastating intellect and/or simply too in love with him.
Now granted, maybe men don’t wonder so much because we ladies are more up-front when it comes to breaking hearts. After all, when was the last time you heard of a chick acting like a jerk so he’d break up with her? (See #3 below.)
The fact is, though they somehow got the reputation as the stronger sex, men tend to be giant wusses when it comes down to ending relationships. So many seem to think pulling a disappearing act is an appropriate breakup protocol. I understand that a crying and/or screaming girlfriend can be a scary thing, but when you think your relationship is going great and the guy just stops returning your phone calls and texts, it’s confusing and depressing. Oh, and highly annoying.
I was all harrumph-y about the injustice of the disappearing act until I began surveying women about the most painful breakup lines they’d had the bad luck to receive.
“You’re amazing, but I’m just not ready to be in a relationship right now.”
This actually wouldn’t have been so bad had he not moved in with his new girlfriend two months later.
“We can’t move in together because my mom won’t approve.”
Though this is highly lame, I believe this lady dodged a bullet. God only knows what else mommy wouldn’t approve of.
“Yes, I am going to continue acting this way until you break up with me.”
This gets props only because the guy was brave (or stupid) enough to cop to his behavior.
“I’ve never been a lady magnet and now it’s being thrown in my face constantly. I figure I’ve got about of year of this luck so I’d better enjoy it.”
Again, brave or stupid—thin line.
“I said I love you too soon so now we’re tainted because I can’t move that fast.”
Word from the wise: dude, nobody believes it when you say you “I love you” for the first time during sex. Relax.
“I’m going to grad school and they might send me to Antarctica.”
I guess if you’re going to lie, lie big, but still.
“I’m getting married”/ “I’m seeing someone else.”
This one I heard from many different ladies and many different times I wished I could reach back in time to deliver a hard slap on these women’s behalf.
“If you boil fish in a coffee pot, every coffee you make afterwards will always taste like fish.”
Translation: I have taken more psychedelic drugs than Timothy Leary, the Grateful Dead and Syd Barrett combined.
“I need to be with someone more attractive.”
Here’s a brilliant idea—if you’re not attracted to her, don’t do her any favors by dating her in the first place! Oh, and you’re a jerk! (Sorry—this story is making me mad!)
On second thought—perhaps the disappearing act isn’t so bad.
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Riley
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 08:16 am: [report]
The Antarctica line, pure gold. What I want to know is how he said it with a straight face. Even in a situation like that, I doubt I could tell a whopper like that an not laugh. I’m also a terrible liar though.
bellarose
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 08:23 am: [report]
Here’s a kicker: “I just need some time. Will you wait for me to figure it out?” And then he goes to Vegas a week later and brings home a new girlfriend!
bamagirl2012
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 08:33 am: [report]
My personal favorite is the guy who was on the same line of brave/stupid as some of those who said to a friend of mine (his current girlfriend) “hey do you want to *insert event* together, as friends?”
retro chic
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 09:15 am: [report]
Sadly, these lines must be working on some people, since there have been no “memos” to guys saying, “lies are wrong and cheesy, be straight up.” More like the opposite. The “It’s not you—it’s me” is an old standby, too.
The “boiled fish/coffeepot” line throws me, tho, it reads to me like he was damaged goods, ie, “ruined by some skank and I’m no good in a relationship or for you.”
Naneenya
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 09:16 am: [report]
“I don’t know what I want”
Translation: “I don’t want to be with you anymore, but I’m a coward, so I’m just going to be weird and inconspicuous until you go away.”
sam04
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 09:26 am: [report]
My college boyfriend told me he hadn’t been single in such a long time, always jumping from one relationship to the next, and that he needed to take time to figure out who he was. Then the night after we broke up, he went to a party and met some girl who he proceeded to start dating. I guess there wasn’t much to find if his soul-searching lasted 24 hours.
Riley
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 09:27 am: [report]
@Naneenya - I have used “I don’t know what I want” with a girl that moved extremely fast. It was true, I didn’t know if I wanted to move-in, get married; all came up. Rather than string her along with vague statements about the future, I told her that. It ended quickly after that. We are still friends, to an extent.
I don’t think that makes me a coward.
KD Queen
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 09:40 am: [report]
“I don’t know what I want, but I know what I don’t want.” Pretty crappy and mean.
sparklestar
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 09:54 am: [report]
“I’m still in love with my ex-wife.”
Over text message. =)
chouette
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 09:55 am: [report]
“I don’t love you enough-I mean, I love you, and care about you, and I really, really like you”- after a year together during which he said he loved me a million times. Have not heard a word since. How do you not love someone -enough-? Enough for what??
@Riley. At least you gave her an explanation! That’s how what you did is different than what’s in the article.
Kay Kay
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 10:20 am: [report]
Ah, my personal favorite was “I *think* I want to spend my life with you, but I’m not happy, so I don’t know. We can still be together, just not engaged.”
LoveL718
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]
I like all of these and while they are good mine is kinda confusing:
I recently (I guess) was dumped while driving to meet my family for vacation. The worst way is probably through a text. Especially when he says “I do and I don’t” want to be your boyfriend “I just don’t want to hurt you is the thing” and “I do an don’t” love you “I’m complicated sorry” and then says he will call so you both can talk it through and hasn’t called in a week and a half. Oh and ignored my two calls to him. So in the last one I left a message saying i just want my computer back. He gave the clear hint it’s over but didn’t want to be “the bad guy.”
Raugiel
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 11:28 am: [report]
“I’ve got a friend who’s just like me, I’ll hook you up”.
:(
MoDiggity
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 11:36 am: [report]
“you’ve gained quite a bit of weight and are always broke”.... awesome.
We eventually got back together and he brought be a gym membership for my birthday. Needless to say, it didn’t last much longer after that.
I Go To 11
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]
“Love has its limitations”—oh, and he continued to tell me that he hated my favorite band, how he wanted someone that could go on a trip at the drop of a hat (um, sorry, but I DO have responsibilities like most adults and can’t just fly to Vegas whenever), and then on his Myspace talked about how he cried his eyes out after spewing all this crap once he got home. Glad it didn’t work out after all!
MissChaotic
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 11:59 am: [report]
I gotten these break-up lines:
“You don’t cry enough for me”
“I’m going to spare you with the pain of breaking up later by breaking up with you now” (sounds like something from Someecards.com)
...and of course, there’s always the fade. I guess I have a knack for attracting idiots and #&@$%.
bogart4017
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
...Or how about the “hood line”:
“You be trippin’—i ain’t f**king with you no more”
Priceless!
chelcpink
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 09:48 pm: [report]
I was about to go across country for a summer internship and got this line from my 2 year live in bf: “I don’t know where we stand but we’ll keep in touch over the summer and see where we are when you get back” He called and sent texts the whole time I was gone. I called him and told him I was coming home earlier than expected, the next day he e-mailed me saying “You should probably go stay w/your mom because you know, we broke up two months ago” I didn’t know “keep in touch” meant break-up. Guys are total cowards!
ksdancer
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 04:13 pm: [report]
I have to say it is not ONLY guys…how about this one….done to my brother. His 1st wife got off her anti-depressants so they could make a baby. Didn’t happen, she was unhappy, blamed it all on my brother, needed to
“have space”, moved out and into the arms of a coworker while stringing my bro along for another year (until he accidently ended up at the same gas station they were at one nite).
Actually, its more about the cowardice of people who FAIL to actually break up when it is clearly over.
KittenWithAWisk
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 02:19 pm: [report]
“I know I’ve been distant emotionally right now, I’m a bit messy…I’m really not in a postion to be vulnerable or committed. i hope that sounds a little better to you than it came out.”
Via text from a 30 yr old…damn. And I really was just in it for the sex…