Dating Don’ts: How Not To Be (Or Date!) An Overlapper
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
8:00AM, Thursday May 7th 2009
When I asked an old friend why she hadn’t just broken up with her live-in boyfriend instead of beginning a messy affair with a married neighbor, she snapped, “Don’t be stupid—nobody leaves a relationship without having another one in place.”
Oh, please, I corrected her. Of course they do. People fall out of love or get angry and leave without a safety net all the time. But as I thought back, I realized that for as long as I knew her, she never had. Even when she pretty much hated the one she was with, she stuck it out until she’d lined up his replacement. I could never understand why. My friend is beautiful, successful and very smart; surely being single for a little while wouldn’t end her world.
Women aren’t the only ones guilty of this. I know—and have unfortunately dated——plenty of men who careen from one girlfriend directly into another, often with a big fat overlap; connecting the two relationships like a murky Venn diagram. I understand that being single can be annoying and lonely sometimes, but there are plenty of good reasons not to be—or date!—an Overlapper.
Being a narcissist, nothing less than perfection is acceptable, so they start looking for the next mirror. Got that, fatty? You’d better stay at the top of your game if you want to hang onto an Overlapper.
1. Karma! While overlapping is definitely cheating, the difference is these types go into it with the sole purpose of transitioning into another relationship. But however you word it, Overlappers deceive one or both parties in order to get what they want. When you begin a relationship dishonestly, it usually comes back to bite you in the butt. At the very least, you will never be fully able to trust an Overlapper. Because—as yet another cliché based in truth goes—if he does it with you, he’ll do it to you.
2. Drama! Breakups are never fun, however splits caused by infidelity are hand’s down the most explosive. If you’re like my friend and her man (who, against all odds, actually left his wife), this means that instead of talking about hearts, flowers, and butterflies—like other new couples—you spend your nights plotting how to hide assets and whether or not your overpaid lawyer is enough of a shark. How romantic!
3. The Pressure! Though they may appear independent, people who can’t be alone are that way because they need to see themselves reflected in someone else’s adoring eyes. But when their mirror (aka, partner) develops a flaw (weight gain, job loss, etc.), their image of themselves reflects that. Being a narcissist, nothing less than perfection is acceptable, so they start looking for the next mirror. Got that, fatty? You’d better stay at the top of your game if you want to hang onto an Overlapper.
4. Not cute! “I met my boyfriend when his puppy peed on my foot” is the perfect example of a meet-cute story. It has all the key elements—chance, humor, and, best of all, a cuddly puppy! “I met my boyfriend because I was his kids’ nanny and then his wife found out, which is how I got this black eye,” is definitely not a tale you’re going to want to share at parties.
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retro chic
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 08:37 am: [report]
Judy, I kid you not, both my sisters did this until they married and beyond. One sister would arrive home from an evening with her bf, pulling up in the driveway, just to have her new date open the car door to let her out! The other sister announced her wish to divorce and openly requested her (now ex) husband to understand that she will need time to meet someone else before leaving him! These acts, among others, stupefy me that I can be genetically connected to these two narcissistic sociopaths.
Also, I noticed, too, in general, that men do this quite often, but seems a little differently based, tho, I can’t pin down why (fear of not being able to smell *all* the flowers?).
lalaland
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 08:45 am: [report]
I dated a guy like this… incapable of being single. He’s now engaged less than a year into dating the new girl… They never change!
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 09:33 am: [report]
Guilty as charged. I am a chronic overlapper and have been since my first bf at 14. I have never been single longer than a week since my first date. (Of course when I was a teenager, the way most of my friends ended their relationships was by starting a new one ... that was normal and expected in my circle.) I’m just not wired to be single. Some people can handle it; others cannot. The thought of being alone terrifies me completely, so I have stayed in unhappy relationships in order to give myself time to start new ones. Even though I am happily married now and this no longer applies, I honestly don’t think this will ever change.
lilrockgoddess4u
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 10:26 am: [report]
I am guilty of this. I have been single, but never liked it. I am currently trying to overlap my BF of 4 years with a new guy.
However with that being said I am overlaping b/c of money not b/c I don’t want to be alone.
Lynn
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]
Wow. The closest I have ever come to doing this is when I have broken up with boyfriends knowing which guy I was going to go after next. I didn’t *actually* go after them while I was still in a relationship, and I absolutely didn’t cheat! And these guys were my friends, so when the time came to actually approach the idea of having a relationship with them (one time it did work out, one time it didn’t), my history and recent breakup was all out in the open. And even with those two guys, I was totally shocked with myself that I was “going after” a guy only a couple weeks after a recent breakup.
I don’t understand people who don’t take time to heal and readjust after a breakup. It just sounds so messy to hop from one relationship to another. Not to mention, pretty skanky to continually cheat on people.
@retro chic - I know they are your sisters so I feel bad saying this, but I absolutely cannot understand the GALL of someone to say “I want a divorce, but you have to stay with me until I find someone else.” What??
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]
@Lynn: It’s not being skanky ... it’s simply an emotional insurance policy. You know what they say about the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else ... this ensures that someone else is ready and waiting. Those of us that can’t do the single thing need that kind of guarantee.
bbpickles
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 12:42 pm: [report]
I have never done this! I actually prefer to be single for a while in between relationships. This doesn’t mean I don’t persue other men, I just take my time and find someone worth being with.
I find it extremely hard to “date” more than one person at a time, let alone constantly looking for the next best thing!
Lynn
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 12:48 pm: [report]
@EarthGoddes - but it is cheating, right? On every guy you date?
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 01:03 pm: [report]
@Lynn: To be honest, I’m usually so emotionally over the relationship by the point I start looking for something new that I don’t consider it cheating. I guess I don’t bother putting any more thought into Guy 1 once things with Guy 2 begin. I know it sounds cold, but it’s a survival mechanism. I’ve known a few people of both genders that do the same thing for various reasons. IMHO, it’s always good to have a Plan B because you never know what’s going to happen. I just cannot be alone ... the thought of being single makes me nauseous. Just being honest.
retro chic
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 01:22 pm: [report]
Yeah, Lynn, life is stranger than fiction, isn’t it? And, no offense taken, I spilled first, and have since replaced fake bio-sibs with real, loving ones. Trust me, no one was more mortified or freaked than me (and my mom) on so many levels.
Our very normal reaction of “GALL” is not in a malignant narcissist’s repertoire of natural human emotions—only heat-seeking destruction and entitlement to get their never-ending needs met. When they’re done—they’re done. And, the body count is staggering.
Great article, Judy. It def casts a mirror in certain members of our family tree. Only, their genius took things beyond “Overlapping” and into the realm of Executive delegation of duties. Your items 1-4 apply in spades.
For me, there will be a flurry of dating, then quickly narrow. I need time between and am pathologically monogamous. In my 20s, I had a sign over my head that read, “Goes Down With the Ship.” Now it reads, “Temporarily Out of Service” when in between.
reebsdc
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]
“overlapping”, “emotional insurance policy”, these are euphemisms for betraying someone who trusted you and acting really cruelly. even if you are checked out of the relationship, the other person might not be yet! also, if you are never alone, you will never really know who you are. it’s not the best feeling in the world to be single when you don’t want to be, but if you are “terrified” of being alone, then you are “terrified” of finding out stuff about yourself you might not like.
theattack
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 02:05 pm: [report]
I’ve done this, and I’m doing this right now, and I hate it. I’m not doing it on purpose though. I become dissatisfied with the relationship I’m already in, because the feelings wear off if they’re not strong enough to begin with. Then I just don’t know how to break up with someone (mostly because I’ve never been broken up with). During the time I’m trying to make sure that I want to break up or I’m trying to figure out how to do it / waiting for an opportunity to do it, circumstances just lead me to find someone else I care about deeply. My first love happened while I was dating someone else (who I tried to break up with and wouldn’t let me. an entirely different story).
I’m currently falling for an ex-boyfriend (it ended for situational reasons and not incompatibility), while I still have a boyfriend. The thing is, my boyfriend hasn’t done anything wrong, and I hate to break up with someone for someone else. But I’ve made the mistake before of staying with someone I didn’t care about as much anymore, and I lost the person I actually did care about because of it. Ideally though, I would much rather not be doing this, and I’d love to be able to have some single time after a relationship.
Lynn
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 02:30 pm: [report]
but if you are emotionally “checked out” to the point that you don’t even consider it cheating, then I guess I don’t see why you’re still in the relationship anyway. I mean, if you consider yourself so out of that relationship that dating someone else isn’t cheating to you, then what’s so scary about being single? Because it sounds like you consider yourself single already at that point.
writergirl
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 02:44 pm: [report]
I did this once, when I was fifteen or sixteen years old. And I felt so guilty about it afterward, I never did it again. But then I took in the complete opposite direction…I went YEARS in between relationships. Hell, I went years in betweeen dates.
So I really can not gresp or understand why people can’t be alone. I think its like rbsdc said, those who do this are afraid of finding out something about themselves.
My cousin does this chronically. She’s in her fiftees now. She was married for the 4th time about a year ago, maybe a year and a half ago and and recently changed her FB status from “married” to “In a relationship.” I’m pretty sure that means hubby #4 has been kicked out the door. She’s always done this. She had husband #3 on deck TWO MONTHS after marrying husband #2.
It really is sad. There is no other word for it. Just—-sad.
Elena
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 03:35 pm: [report]
Like writergirl, I overlapped once. For me it wasn’t about emotional insurance or anything like that, I just completely lacked the maturity and personal integrity at the time to do the difficult thing and end one relationship before starting another one. It didn’t take me long to see that I had done a terrible thing to someone who cared about me, even if I was much happier in the new relationship.
Over the course of the next 2 years, I paid a pretty steep karmic price for my overlapping. The resulting break-up, with the guy I was seeing before, was horrendous. He literally went crazy and did his best to make my life, and the life of my new guy (now my husband) a living hell. After almost a year of his (sometimes really frightening and threatening) crap, I pressed charges for stalking and harassment and got a restraining order and he was eventually kicked out of our university and convicted of the charges.
So just a cautionary tale for anyone out there considering overlapping - sometimes it really can come back to bite you. Muster your maturity and break up with one person before dating another. Sometimes it’s hard to do, but trust me, it’s the right thing to do, so just do it.
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]
@Lynn: Even though I was emotionally checked out in my past relationships, I still wanted the cushion of the existing relationship in case the new one didn’t work out as planned. So, it’s not like being single because either way you still have someone in the end. True singledom means you run the risk of being alone, which I will avoid completely by overlapping. I know it’s not the best way to be, but I’m too afraid to try it any other way.
Adam(aka)AP
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 04:57 pm: [report]
I’m sickened by the thought of looking for someone new while you’re still in a current relationship.
@EarthGoddess that is the saddest thing I have ever read how you could look for someone new yet stay with the person you’re with just incase the new relationship doesn’t work out is the coldest thing I could imagine. “Well Jim the thing between me and Larry didn’t work out so I’m just gonna stick with you.” I hate to sound like a jerk but it all sounds to me like you’re very selfcentered and your only concern is yourself.
Here’s to me never ending up with an overlapper!
writergirl
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 05:03 pm: [report]
I was thinking some more on this.
Are overlappers lacking something in their own life that they need someone else to fill? Earthgoddess said she is afraid to be single…I assume my cousin is the same.
Could it be there is something emotionally lacking within that overlappers need filled by some body else—which is why they are never alone? And then coupled with that…when the person they are with isn’t fulfilling whatever emotional need they have, they start looking for someone who can?
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 05:20 pm: [report]
@Adam(aka)AP and @writergirl: A few years ago, I had a former boss who was about my father’s age. We ended up working together closely and becoming friendly. JUST FRIENDLY ... nothing more. He would give me fatherly advice from time to time and he said to me something that rang true: “Never let the person you’re with be bored with you or the relationship. That is the kiss of death. Once someone is bored, they will look for their excitement elsewhere with someone else. Always be on your best behavior and never stop trying to impress them.” He continued to treat his wife as if he was still courting her after 25+ years of marriage and swore by that. I guess that’s one of the reasons I have started looking in the past ... I just wasn’t drawn to them anymore or I got bored, but I can’t be alone. So, I would seek out someone else who was better for me. IMHO, relationships run their course, so having a back-up isn’t a bad thing.
retro chic
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 05:35 pm: [report]
writergirl, Adolescent mistakes aside (those are diff), your answer lies in Judy’s N° 3 “The Pressure” (start with the big pink pull-out quote), and some of the others, (incl mine in the extreme).
It’s not all that complicated or deep… in fact, it’s very essence is defined in the shallow end of the pool. The people you want to debrief are the sadder/wiser ones left behind (not the ones who do it—they don’t/can’t see it). You’ll get your money’s worth there. The common theme is they must be worshipped. They are oh-so-nice and vulnerable to those outside the relationship. But they’re unfillable, demanding and not capable of giving within it. Much.
I’ve had to deal with two previous BFs like this, I was madly in love, only to realize that flowing feeling wasn’t love, but a 1-way syphon draining from my heart to their bottomless egos. Basically they were children in adult bodies, in constant need of attention, as long as they didn’t have to give it. Once you make the rude mistake of wanting reciprocation, they’re outta there, already being fawned over by another unwitting Miss(Mister) Next.
magz
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 05:41 pm: [report]
@earthgoddess Your example of your boss’ relationship isn’t helping your case. The way you’re using that story is that you think every guy your with should keep YOUR attention and should be entertaining YOU within the relationship. How is that fair? Would you agree that a loving and lasting relationship is based on a mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual communication? So what’s mutual about your guy having to do all the entertaining in the relationship? How is it fair if all you’re doing is sitting around waiting for him to bring you presents and bring you flowers and treat you like a princess when you’re not doing ANYTHING to return the favor? I’m not saying that any guy shouldn’t treat you like a princess, but I’m saying that you shouldn’t treat your guy like a servant, but like your prince too! Doesn’t he have a right to have you do things for him too?
I’ve been on the other side of this kind of relationship, the guy I was with overlapped with me, and then overlapped me with another girl at the other end of the relationship. It’s really #&@$% me up worse than if he had just broken it off earlier. I struggled with a lot of self-worth issues after it was made clear that whatever relationship I thought we had wasn’t worth a mourning period on his end.
I think you’re looking for a new partner before the relationship is officially over, is a way of avoiding having to communicate. And really, if you care AT ALL about the person on the other end of your current relationship, you’ll put them out of their misery so THEY can feel open enough to start looking for someone else sooner than later.
But, maybe that’s too much thinking of someone else for you to handle.
To each his/her own.
powplz
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 05:41 pm: [report]
My first bf overlapped me and his ex. It should have been a red flag, but I wasn’t smart enough to see it then. I have gotten MUCH smarter since. I had a roommate who did this. She broke up with a bf of YEARS and announced five minutes after the breakup that she was now dating that guy’s old best friend, another roommate of ours.
I don’t even know how to describe how effed up it is when people do this habitually. If you think you aren’t strong enough to survive on your own, you have major confidence issues. We can all do it. It’s not easy, but everyone can do it.
Not all of us will prefer it, by any means, but it’s really sad if you don’t believe in yourself enough to trust that you can function fully as an independent adult in the world.
Alison Wonderland
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 05:49 pm: [report]
EarthGoddess I have to say that I think it’s awesome that you were ballsy enough to admit to being an overlapper in the past. I’ve shown symptoms of overlapping- though it never panned out- but it gave me a reason to wake up in the morning and kept me sane through the tough times in my LDR. I’m sure if you tried to explain why you did what you did in detail you couldn’t. You just knew that it was what was most comfortable to you. But I know from having read many of your other comments that you’re in a deeply committed and happy marriage now- maybe the urge to overlap when things got dull was just the fates saying that guy wasn’t the one for you.
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 05:57 pm: [report]
@magz: I bend over backward for my husband! He is treated not as a prince, but as a king and I am his queen. He, and those who have known him for years, say that he’s never had it nearly as good as he has it with me. It’s not one sided at all! What’s made a huge difference is that even though we’re married, it still feels like we’re dating. I still get the butterflies in my stomach when we’re together, we still surprise each other and find creative ways to keep it fresh, we work at it constantly the way that you do when you’re trying to impress someone new. So, we have the adrenaline rush AND the security ... it’s great! We’re the living example of what my ex-boss told me. We never let it get stale, boring and predictable. That’s why I can’t imagine looking for someone else. My husband is also well-aware of my history and is determined to be the guy that breaks my habit. If he keeps being the great hubby he is, he will succeed!
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 06:00 pm: [report]
@Alison Wonderland: Thank you!!!! Finally ... someone who gets it!!! If you were sitting here with me, I’d buy you a cocktail (or a few cocktails) and we’d have some laughs!
magz
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 06:01 pm: [report]
@earthgoddess SO glad to hear about your husband, I guess the conversation going on behind me (my co-workers are going on about seeing “Sicko” last night…it’s heated) is distracting me from soaking in all of these comments.
I’m relived to hear it. Sorry to have jumped to conclusions. I’m probably also just projecting what should be said to my ex. ugh.
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 06:15 pm: [report]
@magz: No worries at all! I understand you were hurt by your ex, so I take no offense. I know how lucky I am to have my family and I take none of it for granted. Hope your co-workers settle down for you soon ... ugh.
writergirl
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 06:32 pm: [report]
@retro chick….that’s part of it. (The pink pull-out and #3)
But I do think there is more.
We all have emotional needs. These needs are a sliding scale though, different to each individual. When the needs aren’t being met…then the overlapper starts to look elsewhere because s/he can’t fathom actually filling whatever that need is for his/herself.
And I can understand it to a point. My husband started traveling when my son was six weeks old and I think I saw him for a total of six months over the next two and a half years.
At one point, alone one night after the baby went to bed, I thought about contacting an ex-BF.
It was a brief thought, not even three seconds in duration, but enough to kick me in the butt to realize that I had to rely on MYSELF and make my own life, not rely on my husband to make my life whole.
I really think that’s where overlappers—aka people who cheat—differ. They know they aren’t having their needs met, but instead of looking in themselves to do it, they choose not to. Or maybe they just can’t.
Narcissim plays a part, I am sure. But I really do think they lack whatever entity it is for self-fulfillment.
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 06:38 pm: [report]
@writergirl: To each her own, but I am very happy with my life and the blessings I have. I could not ask for more! If my reliance on relationships makes me seem like less of a person in your eyes, so be it. I am perfectly happy with who I am and the choices I’ve made. They all led me to a life better than I could have imagined and I wouldn’t have gotten here without following my heart.
writergirl
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 06:57 pm: [report]
@Earthgoddess….
I don’t think you are less of a person…I said it earlier in this thread. I feel sorry for you. Not the person you are now—it sounds, based on your posts with this thread and on other topics that you’ve changed—but for the person you were.
Unfortunately, many women—my cousin, an aquaintance, both who are overlappers—don’t realize that they don’t actually, “need a man” for lack of a better term, to feel valued. They have no sense of self-value. They are beautiful, sucessful, intelligent women. Wny are they lacking that sense of self-worth?
When anybody does’t recognize their own self worth, I feel sorry for them.
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 07:06 pm: [report]
@writergirl: OK, I think I understand you a little better now. While I admit that if anything happened between my husband and I, God forbid, I wouldn’t allow myself to be single for longer than a week or so ... I am no longer always seeking someone else. I guess I can finally relax.
theattack
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 10:13 pm: [report]
EarthGoddess, I commend you for only saying nice things after others have passed judgment on you. I support you, and I’m thrilled that you’re happy in your marriage. I don’t do the overlapping thing on a regular basis, but I have and am. For me, it’s more of a painful thing because I’m trying not to do it but can’t resist, and I think it hurts me more than it does the other person involved because of how much I mentally punish myself. I do it on accident and not on purpose, but I can understand where you’re coming from for sure. And I LOVE the quote from your boss. I’m going to write that down somewhere to remind me to have high standards. Thanks for sharing.
retro chic
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 11:36 pm: [report]
writergirl, exactly, the “sliding scale” as you put it. Except for one or two here… wow (the calculating serial “overlappers” as a way of life ‘cause they’re bored or can’t be with themselves—no pity), I’m just seeing insecurities played out that seem to give way as esteem and maturity grow.
And, your cousins don’t sound as serious as my sisters, whose pictures, btw, are prominently posted on the cover of the Constant Narcissists’ Handbook [tic]. One thing I’ve noticed, too, is they have few, if any, good friends of their own gender. Some may never learn their worth thru their own eyes without using people as mirrors, no matter their other gifts.
ps: Judy, what do you have to say about all this?
retro chic
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 11:46 pm: [report]
theattack, you’re in pain. The real overlappers can’t feel that. I hope you don’t include or ID yourself with them. You’re consciously considering others, and trying to find yourself. Give yourself a break and some good friendships. Cheers!
writergirl
wrote on May 8 2009 @ 05:46 am: [report]
@retrochic—
No, my cousin is a chronic overlapper. I have never known her to be without a man….she was actually pregnant by one guy and passed it off as husband number 1’s. Noone knew of this until the “baby” was 13.
Now, the only way she could have POSSIBLY passed that baby off as husband number 1’s was 1) if he was a complete idiot (a distinct possibility) or 2) she was in the sack with him less than a week after the bio father leaving her. Also a distinct possibility.
Unfortunately, the only ones who have been hurt in all this are her kids. Her oldest daughter is REALLY a mess and following in Mommy’s footsteps…and has been since she was 13.
retro chic
wrote on May 8 2009 @ 07:34 am: [report]
writergirl… Wow, that is serious. Y’know, I was going to mention that too… the kids! Both my sisters kids, esp daughters are very messed up, almost indoctrinated (seen it with my own eyes), creepy and tragic. Sorry about your cousin/niece. I’ll bet it happens in more families/marriages than we imagine… doesn’t stop with dating MO.
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 8 2009 @ 08:46 am: [report]
@theattack: Thanks a lot!!!! You rock!!!!
@retro chic: No one is perfect and we all have insecurities and/or fears. Being single is one of those fears for me. Just like I won’t ever jump out of an airplane (even with the best parachute) or own a pet snake (they freak me out), I’ll never be single. You may be able to handle being alone, and I’m very happy for you, but I am self-aware enough to know that I cannot. I would fall apart in a very short period of time, so I’ve always done what I need to do to protect myself.
writergirl
wrote on May 8 2009 @ 08:53 am: [report]
retro chic…Yeah…pretty serious. And the kids I think are just copying what they see. They don’t know any better, even if the rest of the family is relatively stable.
You go with what you know. And unfortunately what they know isn’t a good thing.
Lynn
wrote on May 8 2009 @ 02:22 pm: [report]
Well, this discussion has me curious. This whole thing has been assuming that the “chronic overlappers” are the ones to leave the relationships (because they start a new one as they’re leaving the old one). But what happens if you *haven’t* started a new relationship and your boyfriend leaves you?
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 8 2009 @ 05:34 pm: [report]
@Lynn: That’s a great point! Actually a break-up with my first love and first “real” BF is what turned me into an overlapper in the first place. I was head over heels for this guy ... total puppy love but it was very intense for how young we were. He broke my heart and I couldn’t stand it, so I started going out with someone within a week. I couldn’t stand the rebound guy, so I quickly found someone new but let the rebound guy be my fall-back. He actually became my fall-back for the next few guys ... he had to know what was going on, but he let me use him over and over again. I felt bad about it, but it was too easy and I was only 15. So, he was the first one and that began my pattern of always having someone to fall back on. I’m guessing other overlappers may have started the same way.
Lynn
wrote on May 9 2009 @ 07:06 pm: [report]
@EarthGoddess - Ohhh that makes sense. And yeah, I’ve done some dick things when I was 15 so I definitely don’t blame you there!
rsonnack
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
I’m also a chronic overlapper and have been since I was 15, just like Earth Goddess. I’ve only been single for maybe a total of 4 months since I was 15, now 20. I’ve had three serious boyfriends. I should have broken up with the first two serious boyfriends at least a couple months before I actually did. My first boyfriend got boring, and I had a crush on this other guy, so when the other guy started flirting with me, it was like a green light to break up with my boyfriend and start dating the other guy. We didn’t date or do anything physical while I was still with the first guy though. That second guy broke up with me a couple months later and totally crushed me. A couple months later, my friend set me up with a friend of hers, and we became official almost immediately. I think it was because I didn’t date anyone in between and I needed to be with someone. I dated this guy for a year and a half before I developed a serious crush on this guy from work. I knew he liked me too, and I cheated on my BF with him. Not my proudest moment. I broke up with the BF, dated the work guy for a month, and went back to the BF. I started to realize I didn’t like the work guy, so I told him I was going back to my BF. I don’t really know why I did that. I still didn’t like him, I think it was mainly because I knew I had broken his heart and I felt guilty. He still doesn’t know I cheated on him to this day. A few months after that, I developed another serious crush on a third guy. Flirted, hung out, didn’t date or do anything physical. Finally broke up with the BF and slept with the new guy the next day, and then we became official two weeks later. He is my current BF, we have been dating now for two years and are living together. The good news is I don’t see myself doing this with my current boyfriend because, like EarthGoddess, I feel very secure and happy in this relationship. I’ve grown a LOT in the past two years with my current boyfriend, and feel like I know who I am now.
I know this is a long post lol sorry. It helps to work through all this in my head because I’ve never thought about WHY I’ve done these things.
My mom is the exact same way. She started dating my dad when she was 16, they divorced when she was 35, she started dating a guy less than a year later, they became serious and living together and got married. Then a few months ago, they got divorced and she is already dating someone new. Seems like I’m following in her footsteps.
sam04
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 07:58 pm: [report]
I find it really difficult to understand when people say they can NOT be alone. Maybe because I’m such an introvert I cope better being by myself, but… I love being alone! Whenever someone says they’re incapable of being single, it makes me think they have some issues they need to deal with. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than stay in an unhappy relationship. But then again, I don’t suffer from low self esteem. I know I’m awesome.
My Mom’s a compulsive overlapper, though. I think watching her do that all the time and being so terrified of actually spending time on her own to figure out who she is and what she wants out of life has discouraged me from ever doing that. If I base my opinion solely on her experiences, it would be safe to say that until you CAN be alone, you’re not likely to be truly happy.
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 08:24 pm: [report]
@sam04: I’m sorry that I’m so far beneath you on the self esteem ladder. Look, we all have something that we’re not comfortable with, and being alone is that for me (among other things). It’s just one aspect of my personality, and thankfully I have been successful in avoiding being single for most of my life. You mentioned that you are an introvert ... I am a definite extrovert and am most comfortable in a group setting. Maybe that has something to do with it. I need constant human contact, and my relationship with my husband satisfies that very well. As far as being “truly happy” I most certainly am, and I could not ask for more. I am blessed in so many ways and I am happier and more grateful for my blessings than ever.
The idea that daughters seem to follow their mothers is not necessarily true. My parents have been married since before I was born and are still together. My mother also was fiercely independent in her 20s, which I something that I applaud her for. She and I are alike in many ways, sometimes more alike than I like to admit, but I could never live alone like she did before she met my dad. That’s just not me. Simple as that.
blondie55
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 01:03 pm: [report]
I’m not an overlapper, but have discovered that my present husband is. After 10 years being married,to his first wife, he tried to engage me in a relationship. When He admintted that he was “separated”, I told him that I’m not a homewrecker, and wanted no part of it. He continued to call, and send me music he put together. He really tried to romance me, and when he got divorced, he immediately called me, and I gave in. My big mistake, I should have refused his phone calls even while he was in the “separation” process, because that was still being deceptive to his then wife, eventhough she did cheat on him.
He got his revenge, became an overlapper, and tried to set up his next relationship with me. We dated and got married way too soon, several months later, and now he’s doing the same to me, 12 years later! I say, once an overlapper, always an overlapper. I did tell him over a dozen years ago, that he needed to spend time by himself to figure out who and what he was. Stupid, me, didn’t stick to my guns, as I had been single for 10 years, and fell for the trap.
No more for me….no more overlappers. Now it appears that we are headed for divorce court…he’s overlapped again with his co-worker for 2 years with an intimate emotional affair, of which I just found out this week. I was devastated, and busted him. He still claims it was only emaotional on email, phone, and texts, but 45 texts a day, cmon. This sounds like not only an overlapper, but an obsessive, deception, which I don’t believe that I can live with. It’s tough, already miss the old way he was, but now to think of it, it started as an overlap….and it appears to end to be an overlap.
I agree with many who posted that they felt the individual couldn’t be by themselves for whatever reasons they give: he told me he is social, no crap, we all are to some extent. But I do believe that the crux of it is with my husband is that they are fearful of being alone, with some subliminal reason of fear of finding out who they are, and/or not fulfilling their own deep needs/desires, so they must find someone else they “think” will fulfill their need and desires. I’m only talking about my own husband here, and not referring to anyone else. I could even begin to address anyone else’s issues, don’t know them, and can’t pretend to.
steventb
wrote on September 11 2009 @ 09:12 pm: [report]
Interesting article and even more interesting follow up comments. I personally have never been a dating overlapper as the dating tips I got suggested otherwise to me. I am starting to date a girl who wants to overlap. Its good that I can understand her psyche a little more now.
_jsw_
wrote on September 11 2009 @ 09:14 pm: [report]
Ah, the relentless spammertb: do you really think people are going to click on your links?
bumbler
wrote on September 11 2009 @ 09:21 pm: [report]
I know that this was only bumped by a spambot but I have to say even an exit affair is an affair. Just because you’re emotionally checked out so it doesn’t feel like cheating to you you can be damn sure that it feels that way to your partner. Even if you aren’t in love with them anymore at least show them the decency and respect to end it cleanly. I say this knowing perfectly well that my own sister did this recently and I had no problem telling her how despicable I found her actions especially since in her late twenties she is well beyond the too young to know better excuse. I’ll never understand how someone can so blatantly damage someone they once cared for because they don’t like being alone. Pathetic. Sorry.