Online Dating Downsides

Dating Don’ts: The Downside Of Online Dating

Posted by: Judy McGuire Filed in: relationships
8:00AM, Thursday May 21st 2009

Although there’s still a certain inexplicable stigma attached to it, I am a huge proponent of online dating. I met my long-term boyfriend that way and the majority of weddings I’ve been to over the past couple years have been for couples who’ve met via the internet.

So whenever I hear a friend whine about how they never meet anyone, I give them the online spiel. Heck, Nerve.com should be paying me a commission because I’ve talked so many people into joining.

But as awesome as online dating is for expanding your dating pool, there are also some negatives. The biggest being that it can bring out the worst in people. And by people, I mean you.

Depending on what site you use, it can be all too easy to check up on your latest fling online. I dated a guy who would regularly leave my house and be home, updating his profile, before I’d even had time to brush my teeth!

Stalk much?

When you hook up with a guy through friends or at a party, you might Google or Facebook him. But unless you’re seriously deranged, you probably won’t find yourself shadowing him, watching his every interaction with the opposite sex. However, depending on what site you use, it can be all too easy to check up on your latest fling online. I dated a guy who would regularly leave my house and be home, updating his profile, before I’d even had time to brush my teeth. Naturally, I’d want to confront him about being so scummy, but since we weren’t exclusive, I didn’t really have the right, which, of course, would make me even angrier.

Bring on the crazy!

While I sometimes found myself a tad unhinged, yoga teacher Nell became a pathetic shadow of her former self. “I have gazed at their pictures online intently and shouted in my head, ‘Call me! Call me!’, trying to will it into existence.” She makes a good point. After a bad breakup, having instant access to their profile—photos, updates, or, worst of all, a change in status—can prolong the agony.

The shallow end of the dating pool.

The sheer quantity of people online makes being weirdly picky all too possible. One dater told me, “I find myself vetoing guys for the most shallow, silly reasons. Like I don’t like a shirt he’s wearing. Or he’s shorter than 5’10.” She goes on to add, “But looking back on my exes, none of them were studs—so why don’t I remember that when I’m trolling for dudes online?” Answer: because there’s so many of them. When you can afford to rule out some shrimp in a Nickelback T-shirt, why wouldn’t you?

Instant gratification or bust.

“I really hate how so many people online are looking for an instant spark,” editor Monica told me. “I went on a lot of dates that I felt had some potential—no major fireworks—but I was still interested in testing our compatibility. Unfortunately, so many are looking for that elusive lightning bolt, and if you don’t spark on that first date, forget it.” The longest relationships I’ve ever been in took a while to ignite, but if you’re always thinking there’s something “better” out there, you might miss out on a keeper.

It can bring out your inner Mean Girl.

When I asked my friend Isabel if online dating brought out her bad side, she shot me back an email almost instantaneously. “I generally consider myself a nice person, but I guess the caveat is that I’m generally a nice person as long as I’m looking at you IN PERSON. Because otherwise, well, not so much.” Isabel confesses she immediately deletes all replies without photos, as well as anyone who confesses they “love to laugh.” She sarcastically snaps, “Because really, I hate laughing. Don’t you? It usually means something funny has happened, and there’s nothing worse than that.”

Well, except for a lame cliché.

comments

EarthGoddess
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 10:07 am: [report]

I met my husband online, so I’m all for it. Actually most of the couples we know met online, too. Those that didn’t are still with their high school sweethearts. It seems to me that it’s no longer “How did you two meet?” but “What site were you guys on when you met?” I think there’s definitely been an almost complete social shift in how we find our mates.

resullins
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 10:30 am: [report]

I agree… I met the fiance online… and I have to admit I’m still a little embarrased to tell people that, so we don’t. I hope it does become socially acceptable. Although I COMPLETELY agree with all these things. I did them ALL before I met Q, but I guess I was one of the lucky ones that it didn’t turn out badly for.

TotallyRidiculous
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 08:04 pm: [report]

I think your friend Isabel and I are soul mates.

Anniekins
wrote on May 22 2009 @ 01:40 am: [report]

As far as that “spark”, I think a lot of the website commercials advertise it, and people (for whatever reason) believe it. It doesn’t always work like that in life, so why would it over the internet.

Does anyone else ever wonder how many eHarmony couples would have actually happened if some website hadn’t told them that they were a “match” based on those compatibility tests? Like “Well, he drives me crazy sometimes, but we’re supposedly great on paper…”

I did not meet my husband online, but we talked through myspace after meeting briefly through friends. Myspace definitely helped me get to know him, as he is really shy when you first meet him.

kristy1584
wrote on May 22 2009 @ 11:22 am: [report]

Online dating…boy the drama!! I met my current bf through a guy I knew off hotornot.com. I wasnt into the guy he just lived in my city so we talked occasionally and one night i was having a party at my house so my gf suggested i invite him and tell him to bring some friends…that opened up a huge can of worms for our whole circle of friends…needless to say my bf and i are the only 2 who still talk in that circle. I find that a lot of dating sites are guys looking for a hook-up and not a real relationship…dating gets harder and harder!

og217
wrote on May 22 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]

I don’t know anyone who got into a serious relationship online. I know people could be lying of course, but of the people I know well, everyone met at a party, at work, some chance thing like getting stuck on a broken-down train. I don’t know, I tried online dating and it was just a letdown. I went on like 5 dates and lost enthusiasm. It really was the spark thing. Everyone looked like their photo, didn’t lie about age, height, job but as I walked toward them and did that recognition-nod thing, I knew it was no go. I can’t explain it, but its a necessary thing. And maybe internet dating just isn’t for everyone? If I saw my husband’s profile stats, I NEVER would have even considered it - lived in a different city, was significantly older and divorced - absolutely NOT someone I would ever have given the time of day to online. I was only looking at Wall Street guys with dark hair and a love of barhopping. Who knows how it all works?

EarthGoddess
wrote on May 22 2009 @ 12:02 pm: [report]

@og217: Even though I met my husband online, and know plenty of marrieds and almost-marrieds who have done the same, we were only supposed to be friends. He and I are total opposites and no one would ever put us together “on paper” either, but the day we met the spark was immediate. We only spoke for a week online before that first meeting, but we’ve been a couple since we laid eyes on each other. The idea of just friendship flew out the window FAST! So I know what you mean about the spark being a necessary thing. If he and I didn’t experience it, I doubt we’d even still talk now. It’s kinda funny how it all worked out that we’re married!

og217
wrote on May 22 2009 @ 05:52 pm: [report]

In the end, its got to be about being out there, whatever that means for you and your comfort level. Cause my wise aunt used to say, You know where the perfect man is NOT going to appear? In your living room while you watch TV and text your girlfriends about how you can’t meet any men, lol.