Dating Don’ts: Know Your Textiquette

Posted by: Judy McGuire Filed in: relationships
10:00AM, Thursday September 24th 2009

Comments (20)

Texting has become as ubiquitous as the cell phones that birthed them, but what is it doing to our love lives? Can you imagine what a different movie “Casablanca” would be if, instead of suavely growling, “Here’s looking at you, kid,” Rick instead texted Ilsa:

; - )

Same sentiment (sort of), yet all the romance, sexiness and possibility has been drained out of it.

Far from simplifying male/female relations, texting adds a whole other layer to decipher. I got to thinking about this after my friend Jane called, asking for my take on a new guy she’d been out with a couple times. He had been sending mixed signals and then late one night she got a text that simply read, “U out?”

Not even a complete sentence! This wasn’t an old friend or an established relationship—this was a guy she’d barely started dating. It wasn’t even clear if this message was sent to her or to every girl in his phone book. So I thought it was time we clarified a few things and assembled a panel of women to dissect the matter.

1st D8s

Most of the women I spoke with agreed that at least in the beginning of a relationship, the guy should make a little effort and actually eke out a phone call. Meghan, 32, says, “Otherwise it feels like a booty call kind of thing—too informal, and not enough respect.”

But bar owner/personal trainer Melody disagrees. “I have become a phone-a-phobe,” she confesses. “Calling me now is so personal and awkward. It’s like a stranger suddenly patting my butt.” Yikes! Or should I say, : - 0

I HRT U

Speaking of emoticons, even when they themselves use them, most women feel men should not. “I feel the same way about emoticons as I do about men wearing briefs and Day-Glo high tops,” asserted Karen, a 24-year-old journalist. “Should never, ever be done!” Thirty-three-year-old Jennifer agrees, “It’s annoying enough when girls do it, but a guy who texts with emoticons may as well be wearing a skirt.”

When It’s : - )

Everyone agreed that phone flirting is a go. “A flirty text leads to twitterpations galore,” says Megan. Jennifer, who just started seeing her new man, says, “Out of the blue at random times he will text ‘thinking of you’ and it just makes me happy.”

Though she dramatically claims texting has ruined her love life, bawdy Selina says it can be fun, within certain parameters: “The only thing texting is good for is sexy talk to rile him up while you’re on your way to meet up.”

L8R D8R

Breaking up with someone via text is so tacky and vile (I’m talking to you, John Mayer!), that I’m not going to even get into it. When giving someone the heave-ho, at least extend them the courtesy of a phone call.

Sexting

The aforementioned Jane, who started this whole conversation, had one would-be boyfriend who took it a step further than a simple “UR HOT.” “We met at a bar—he was Swiss—very cute,” she giggles. “He went to the bathroom and while he was in the bathroom I got a picture message of him – with no pants on! I thought, ‘I like this guy, he’s so much fun!’”

Nothing ever happened between the two of them, but that didn’t stop him from sexting Jane more naughty photos “I always enjoyed getting them—one time he sent me a picture of himself naked, next to a Derek Jeter bobblehead!”

However, before you start sexting photos, let’s hear the rest of Jane’s story: “I have a lot of gay friends, and I’ve shown them every single photo he’s sent me,” she laughs. “Some of them came when I was out with other people—and when you get something like that, you have to share!”

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Tags: dating, dating donts, love advice, judy mcguire, texting, textiquette

Comments (20)

comments

bethlynn00
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 09:10 am: [report]

Well I am a complete text-o-phobe, I don’t send them and I hate getting them. I only have an unlimited plan on my phone because it’s one of those family plans that I share, so everyone else uses it, but I avoid texts at all costs, so when guys have texted me, they either don;t get a response back cause I didn’t want to talk to them anyway or they get a phone call back. Yes, I am weirdo, been told that several times!

_jsw_
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 09:25 am: [report]

I disagree about the emoticons, but maybe it’s just because I always put on a dress before texting.

To me, written words often do not successfully convey sarcasm or intent, especially in 140-character pieces, and emoticons go a long way toward making intent clear. Surely, they can be over-used… but I don’t think they’re wrong to use.

However, I hate using them on this site, even though I use them, because they’re about twice the height of the surrounding text, so it’s like using caps-lock emoticons.

spatula
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 09:31 am: [report]

I agree with @jsw, on each and all points.

also, i have such a texting addiction. i just love it. don’t even call me.

amandabear
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 09:52 am: [report]

I’m sort of a phone-a-phobe too, so I actually prefer texting under most circumstances. But I do agree that when you’re first starting to see each other, a call is nice.

Willy
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 09:56 am: [report]

Ok, I love texting, do most of my communication with my friends via text (emphasis on “friends,” not people I’m dating). But, I’d like to mention time appropriateness. A text past 10 or 11 at night DURING the week is not okay with me if it’s still very early in the relationship. I get up early for work and I don’t feel like starting a texting conversation right before I’m about to go to sleep. Especially if the text only says “Hey.”

Vicequeenmaria
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 10:19 am: [report]

If a man can’t be bothered to call for those first important meetups, what does that say of him?

santacruzin
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]

@Willy, I completely agree about “hey.” I love texting, but “hey” it is one of the most annoying messages anyone can send. Texting should be for relaying information, and not for essentially saying, “I’m so bored that I decided to text you but I have nothing to say, and either 1) think so little of you that I don’t want to know/hear anything specific about you, or 2) want to put the entire burden of what to talk about on you.”

majicksand
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 03:38 pm: [report]

I like texting for brief info swapping but not for real conversations. I can’t type for crap on a real keyboard, so it really sucks on a touch screen.

antnego
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 03:54 pm: [report]

Texting is too impersonal. I like actual phone conversation. Takes more balls to talk to a new acquaintance over the phone than to simply text them. It’s easy to hide behind the electronic smoke-screen so you don’t have to be vulnerable.

@Santacruzin

That’s a useful way to look at texting. Directions and such.

@Vicequeenmaria

I am guilty of setting up meetings through email and texting in the past. It seemed “less intrusive” and gave a greater chance of getting a reply. And of course, I always had a far better time with women who talk on the phone rather than just reply to texts.
I’ve learned that if she’s not interested enough to answer your phone calls or reply to a voicemail, then she’s not worth the time to pursue.

eclipse
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 04:32 pm: [report]

I am addicted to texting, it’s true.

I talk on the phone all day at work (literally, call center job) so I tend to go the text route when I can. It’s quicker and doesn’t involved any awkward pauses. If I need to know something *now* then I’ll call, but otherwise texting is my go-to form of communication.

Dating wise, I’m not a big fan of texting if that’s all the guy seems to be capable of. I enjoy a phone call in that circumstance. I had a guy who used to text me things like, “What u up 2 tonite” all the time, but never call me to ask me out on a proper date. It drove me nuts…don’t talk to him anymore.

The guy I am involved with now - we text back and forth during the day and talk on the phone at night…I think that’s a decent mix.

Drea
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 05:52 pm: [report]

Never text someone naked pictures unless you don’t mind someone else seeing them. I’ve seen more of my ex’s ex and current girlfriends than I care to.

DancingGeek
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 07:11 pm: [report]

@eclipse, I’m the same way, a guy better call me if he is serious about going out with me.

_jsw_
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 07:16 pm: [report]

I agree that phone calls are a must in dating situations. However, texts still have a place. For example, if someone is in a noisy environment, then texts are better to send or receive than phone calls. Not as a primary means of communication, for sure. But they can augment calls pretty well.

Isista
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 08:33 pm: [report]

I highly disagree about emoticons. I love seeing a little smiley face from my boyfriend when he sends me something cute during the day, when we both have class a majority of the day. And “he might as well be wearing a skirt” if he sends emoticons? Wow guys…wow…

luckyviolinist
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 05:22 pm: [report]

Don’t forget—NEVER text with someone else while you’re on a date with me! Unforgivable textoffense.

C.Munro
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 07:29 pm: [report]

I think the numero uno rule about texting should be: If you have enough to say for an actual conversation, call, don’t text. Even if it’s only five minutes worth of talking, I’d rather do that than spend 15 minutes saying the same thing with tiny buttons. (And if you have more than five minutes worth of conversation, let’s get together, because talking on the phone kinda sucks no matter how much I like you.)

If it weren’t for women, I’d probably send one or two text messages a week. I’m not really a fan, but it does have its uses. Like when you’re meeting friends at a noisy bar and want to find out where they are.

As for the emoticons, yeah, I use them. I don’t particularly like using them, though. It feels somehow fake.

SummertimeFirefly
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 11:14 pm: [report]

I’m text-dependent - meaning that I get really thrown off by unexpected phone calls from new guys. It feels kind of intrusive. But it’s definitely a symptom of the pace of our lives these days. I’m always on the run and time is precious. If I have phone time I usually want to be catching up with my long-distance friends or sisters - people I’m already invested in. What I do love is the pre-phone call text from a guy…the “can I call you in an hour” text…very nice.

Also, I usually associate long phone conversations with high-school dating - now if we have time to chat on the phone for any extended period of time we probably have time to grab coffee or a drink, and I’d rather do that.

Overall, I’m a fan. And for the record, I love a guy secure enough to use emoticons

Taurwen
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 02:45 pm: [report]

Emoticons? Fine. Chat Speek? I’m not even going to bother reading the rest of the text. I am fluent in 1337, doesn’t mean I want to feel like I’m twelve again. “Whr U @?” Ugh, drives me insane.

I do prefer text over phone calls, I have such a phone phobia (If I have to spend over half hour on the phone my hands start to shake rather violently), plus the boy I currently would nnormally call lives far away, texting in free communication.