Dating Don’ts: 6 Scenarios For Getting Back Together
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
8:00AM, Thursday March 12th 2009
Like everyone else, I’ve been glued to the Chris Brown/Rihanna debacle, and was saddened when I read reports that she might get back together with someone who left her so bruised and battered.
But here’s the thing: loads of couples break up and then make up and sometimes things work out great. But knowing when, and under what circumstances, to forgive and forget is key, and most of us won’t know until we’re thrust into that situation. Here are six scenarios to consider.
Sometimes
Timing: Sometimes one (or both of you) just isn’t relationship-ready and the romance falls apart for no other reason than wrong place/wrong time. My friend C. left her man when it became clear she was ready for something more permanent and he was more interested in, er, impermanence. A year later they ran into each other and he was older, wiser, and ready to tie the knot.
Distance: He got a great job in L.A., but you’d rather bathe in carpet tacks than spend one minute in the land of implants and tan lines. But now he’s back and wants to pick up where you left off. If, after all that time apart, you still have the hots for each other, why not see how it goes?
Maybe
Drunky/Junky: Few things are less hot than a boyfriend who prefers booze or drugs to romancing the one he “loves.” You did the right thing when you dumped his wasted butt! But now he’s clean and sober and calling you for coffee dates. If he’s seriously sober (and that means for over a year) and has a program or therapist helping him stay that way, you can test the waters (if you’re still inclined). Otherwise, keep reminding yourself of the time he projectile-vomited at your sister’s wedding.
Infidelity: Cheating seems like a no-go—and it is hard to recover from—but many couples reconcile after one person has strayed. (Often much to the dismay of their family and friends.) This is one of those situations that pretty much demands couples counseling, which is way too much work unless you’re already married with kids. But if you insist on forgiving his lying and indiscretions, please make sure to have your doctor give both of you a full spectrum of STD tests before you really reunite.
Never
Ticking Clock: He’s never gotten over you and now you want a baby, but bad. Though the way he says your name makes your flesh crawl, you know he’d be a fine baby daddy. No. Just, no. This is the reason there are sperm banks and gay best friends. Whatever you do, don’t force yourself into a relationship with someone you don’t love for procreative purposes.
Violence: Obviously, if someone hurts you, you should run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. But as we’re seeing with thousands of women each year, this seems to be easier said than accomplished. If you’ve been the victim of violence, at least seek out some counseling before you consider returning to the perpetrator. Hopefully a licensed professional will help you see the light.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
EastCoastMale
wrote on March 12 2009 @ 08:23 am: [report]
I cant believe the infidelity is posted under a maybe. I think a bunch of us got into the topic about leaving a cheater in the dust or trying to piece things back together and it got pretty heated so I wont say as much here. Just wanted to point out that women cheat as well which Im sure everyone already knew just wanted to say it to balance things out. For me, a S.O who cheats will get no second chance no matter what.
Naneenya
wrote on March 12 2009 @ 08:32 am: [report]
I agree with EastCoastMale - for me, infidelity is a deal breaker. If they don’t love/respect you enough to stay with you and only you the first time, what will make it better the second time around?
I know that people have different views on relationships and what constitutes as cheating/what’s okay/what’s not, and that’s fine. But me, I’m a one-at-a-time kinda girl and I require that same respect from a significant other.
Mandolina
wrote on March 12 2009 @ 08:36 am: [report]
For me, the first time he cheated was not a deal breaker (though maybe it should have been). We had a baby together at that point, and since have had another one. However, last year he started going on the prowl again, and we have separated now. It was not long after separation that he realized how f**king stupid he was, and now he wants to get back together (he says), yet he does not want to put a label on it, or tell any of his so-called friends (none of whom I know).
Truthfully, I think I am better off out of this one, but it is damn hard to raise 2 boys alone. Not that I had that much help when I was with him, though…
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 12 2009 @ 08:37 am: [report]
I can believe it is posted under maybe, hence it should. We disagree…it gets put in maybe. For you it may well be, but not for everyone, classified ‘maybe’.
EastCoastMale
wrote on March 12 2009 @ 08:55 am: [report]
Ahh good point cheese. I still am right along with Nane that one time is a definite dealbreaker. I also understand Mandolina’s point that with kids involved it is different but somehow, some way it seems to always end badly in the long run…sometimes shorter than others.
Naneenya
wrote on March 12 2009 @ 08:59 am: [report]
Agreed, cheese. I’m sure if we, individually, made a list of our sometimes/maybe/never scenarios, they would differ to a great degree.
Since we’re talking “general public” I’ll allow it to stay in the maybe category for now ; )
cougiex
wrote on March 12 2009 @ 02:11 pm: [report]
Cheating really depends on the situation….There’s a difference between a drunken, unplanned, far away hookup and sleeping with one of your “friends” repeatedly nearby. Therefore it’s “maybe” with regards to taking someone back because of this variability.
People make mistakes. Fact of life. I make mistakes. (If you claim not to either you are crazy or I should be scared because the end of the world is near.) Could I forgive a boyfriend for a one-time “accident” that he tells me about in a timely fashion? Yes, with difficulty and time - and probably a break. Let him back in my life if he cavorted around with a chick multiple times? Never.
Chelle
wrote on March 12 2009 @ 06:56 pm: [report]
I wish this article came out a few months ago. I got back with my “drunky” ‘cause he said he was “working on it”. Yeah well that didn’t go too well. I broke up with him again a little over two months later. I’m a fan of if it didn’t work out in the first place it’s pointless to try again. This is of course because I always end up in the break-up/ make-up cycle. No more of this.
hawaiianpeach
wrote on March 13 2009 @ 03:17 pm: [report]
Drunky/Junkie is a personal choice of mine. Currently I have one that falls in this category. Frankly, I told him he may know soon what it feels like to have his tailbone bounce of concrete. We talk about babies, four door sedans, and a house meager miles from the beach. So with all this planning goes commitment. He has slowed the drip for his bottles of beer on the walls. Ladies if you take #&@$% then that’s what you will get
wawmama
wrote on March 13 2009 @ 03:33 pm: [report]
Hey Mandolina, just a note, I’ve been through the cheating husband/kids….I gave it my darnest to fix because it is tough, but I realized it was better for me with out him. (My self esteem was in the frickin’ toilet, and they didn’t need to see that.) My kids are also 5 and 2. Now I ask myself, “would I like my daughter to be treated like that?” Amazing how that knocks it all into perspective.
beijingpassion
wrote on March 13 2009 @ 11:13 pm: [report]
hi
kats
wrote on March 14 2009 @ 02:56 am: [report]
I’m with EastCoastMale & Naneenya .. cheating is a dealbreaker. The day I found out my husband had cheated was the end of our marriage (it wasn’t a drunken mistake.. apparantly it had been going on for months). He got home from work that evening to find his bags packed and told to never return. I can handle a lot that life throws at me but infidelity isn’t one of them.
lawngnome
wrote on March 14 2009 @ 09:32 pm: [report]
Cheating is deliberate… unless you fell on someone’s genitals, were drugged or your mate has an identical twin there is no such thing as accidental cheating. Aside from the whole betrayal of trust, I would be royally pissed about the possibility of having been given an STD by an unfaithful partner. Have the balls to break up with someone before you go #&@$% around. I’d be more likely to take back a guy who ended it to play the field than one who cheated behind my back. I’m not interested in dating a man that doesn’t behave like one.
Titi
wrote on March 14 2009 @ 10:13 pm: [report]
Hmmm….my policy has always been never to date an ex—they’re exes for a reason, remember? If it didn’t work the first time, why would it work a second time? Don’t waste your time with the same old mistakes—move the hell on with your lives, ladies.