Dating Don’ts: What Secrets Should You Reveal In A Relationship?
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
8:00AM, Thursday June 11th 2009
How much do you really need to know?
I still remember the day I walked into my house only to be confronted by my entire family staring at me like I was an alien as my mother shrieked through her tears, “Thank god you’re home—I thought you were dead!!!”
Um, what?
Upon closer inspection, I noticed she was holding a familiar looking book. My journal. I was 17 and, like many teenagers, having a tough time of it. I didn’t have anyone I particularly trusted to talk to about my life, so my journal was my confidant. I didn’t need to filter my thoughts because a white piece of paper wasn’t going to judge me or yell at me. I knew exactly what passage my mom was referring to—something I’d written about wishing I were dead. It was a fleeting thought that vanished as soon as I scribbled it down, but now my entire family had listened intently as my mother read extremely personal and excruciatingly humiliating excerpts aloud. That whole death wish I said had vanished? That came flooding back as I grabbed the notebook from her hands and ran upstairs crying.
“Don’t write things down if you don’t want people to read them,” my mom called out helpfully.
Maybe because of this mortifying experience, I’ve never been much of a snooper. Sure, if I strongly suspect a boyfriend is cheating and lying about it, I’ll poke around, but by that point it’s just to confirm what I already know. I trust my current man, but I also know there’s a lot about his past (and probably present) that is a complete mystery and I’m fine with that.
Thirty-two-year-old freelance writer Mimi agrees. “Contrary to some depictions of couples, you don’t have a single collective brain once you get involved,” she tells me. Mimi doesn’t snoop, nor does she tell her husband everything—again, with a caveat. “If you’re confiding in some cute guy over work lunches and don’t tell your partner how often you see this person, that’s problematic. But,” she adds, “say you are having sex dreams about an ex and don’t mention it to your partner; that’s not emotional infidelity—that’s just a momentary distraction that need not be shared because it doesn’t serve any purpose except probably to hurt your present partner.”
Unless you’re dealing with a philanderer or a serial killer, most people’s secrets are fairly innocent. Vanessa, a 28-year-old marketing exec keeps her spending habits a secret from her girlfriend. “She feels like I spend too much money on luxury items, but it’s my money so she can’t get mad she just judges.”
The past is another topic not everyone chooses to open up about. “My Facebook friends include 20 of my exes,” declares Wendy, a shacked-up radio producer. “We never chat and rarely message, but my partner would flip out and obsess unnecessarily if he knew.” She’s probably right. I sometimes wish I didn’t know that so many of the pretty faces on my boyfriend’s Facebook page had actually kissed him.
Wendy agrees that many things are better left unknown. “I don’t want to know what adult sites my boyfriend looks at or which of my friends he thinks are hot. But if he was spending $1,000 a day on a porn habit and hitting on my friends at parties—those are ‘secrets’ that kill the deal.” Amen.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:39 am: [report]
I agree that there is a line between what needs to be shared and what does not.
Humble Bee
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 10:04 am: [report]
I also agree. I had mentioned this yesterday in a comment, spare the drama if you know that’s what it’s going to result in. I hate confrontation, I rather just swiftly talk about, come up with an agreement and move on.
There are certain things that people don’t understand, or their beliefs can stand in the way. My ex was fully straight edge, didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, so if he found out I did, he’d preach until the sun went down. It felt never ending, so I rather just say, NO I dont drink or smoke.
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 10:10 am: [report]
ah well I don’t know that I feel the same about what you just described Humble. I was talking mainly about if someone dreams of an ex or celebrity or whoever, something along those lines.
Humble Bee
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 10:44 am: [report]
well of course, that too. Why would you want to start an argument off of something you know isn’t going to happen. I wouldn’t get jealous if my mate had fantasies about celebrities, because really what are the chances of him being on a yacht with Megan Fox? So why bother to scold him about being a perv when I too fanasize about cute celebrity guys. That to me, is pointless. I rather him share his fantasy…
EarthGoddess
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:14 am: [report]
My husband and I share it all ... no boundaries. Nothing is off-limits and everything is expected to be out in the open. We both work from home, so we are always together, which helps eliminate the potential for deception. If he hid something from me, I’d be devastated and vice versa.
Britrz
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]
My recent ex and I had the share all policy, or at least I did, but I think the problem arises because the line itself is a relative thing. One person can feel the line is crossed in a certain situation while another won’t see it the same way. An example is lying about having conscious sexual feelings for an ex, that is constantly around, but not saying anything to your partner because nothing will ever happen, to some people that would be a big line crosser while others it would not. It just seems that if you are going to have that boundary in a relationship, then it needs to be clarified.
Bad Breakup
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 03:26 pm: [report]
I’d prefer there to be secrets, to not know everything about the person I’m with. When you tell each other everything, and the mystery slowly fades away, the excitement fades with it. Knowing everything about someone is boring.
joyy
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 03:36 pm: [report]
The one boundary I will NEVER cross is going to the bathroom in front of someone else. There is simply no need. Ever.
chouette
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 04:22 pm: [report]
My ex kept things like this from me (regular phone conversations with a girl who flirted openly with him, past romantic involvement with a close friend of his who he talked to all the time), and finding this out at the end of and after our relationship was over really hurt me. He said he didn’t tell me “because he knew I would react that way”- as in, being hurt that he was keeping secrets from me (not to mention in frequent contact with women with questionable objectives). So, in regards to this from the article,
“My Facebook friends include 20 of my exes,” declares Wendy, a shacked-up radio producer. “We never chat and rarely message, but my partner would flip out and obsess unnecessarily if he knew.”,
I would much rather know so I don’t have to later question everything my partner told me that I took as the whole truth. If they are really just exes, then why are you keeping it from your partner??
lea322
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 04:23 pm: [report]
Humble, you’re talking about lying about WHO YOU ARE as a person, not omitting information about a dream you didn’t intend to have. Those two things are vastly different.
Dave The Rave
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 04:31 pm: [report]
I keep a journal and will often go back over it at times. As for secrets, that’s what they are. What’s the song say?: “If you wanna know a secret / You’ve got to promise not to tell…...” For me, if someone finds something out that I’d rather keep private, I would react.
Also, whenever someone makes stuff up and insists that they are telling the truth, I have to confront the LIAR until they back off and tell the others they were just playing. That is harassment.
If I ever got into a serious relationship, trust would HAVE to be key!
I did have a long-term friendship with a woman for a long time, but it ended when she saw me talking to female neighbors and tried implying that there had to be ‘something more’ going on.
When I defended myself, she told me that what I said put an end to our friendship. I think of her every so often (like now), but know it was for the better, as she did have a control issue. Oh, well….....
Britrz
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 07:27 pm: [report]
Personally, I don’t think telling your partner everything is a bad thing. In my mind if someone gets unnecessarily jealous over something completely innocent, then you might not want to be with them anyway. I believe that telling someone everything eliminates that line of what to tell and what not to, then the boundary wouldn’t be confused. So again, either the line needs to very, very clearly laid out, or everything needs to be revealed. This way situations like mine, mentioned previously, and chouette’s can be prevented.
canadiancutie
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:46 pm: [report]
... reveal only that which makes you look good. Oh, for goodness sake, if you HAVE to reveal unflattering things about yourself, at least do it in a charming, humourous, self-deprecating way. The passion will last longer.
Gingee
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 07:17 am: [report]
Men need to keep their lips zipped about their past sexual experiences. ALL that matters: Are we good together.
Further, I am not interested in reliving some other gal’s experience with the guy. It’s repugnant.
As my twin brother says, men who are good in bed tend to show it, men who think they’re good are braggers, tell-alls, and so on.
Guys: No matter how good you are, there are many other guys who can out perform you any day, any time, and the only special thing the two of us have is an emotional connection. Ruin it by braying about your past experiences at your own risk. ‘Cause we just might start remembering that Cha-Cha, and as the Cha-Cha is always available to us: We might go back for another round.
Being female, the only way you will know we’re cheating is because we want to be caught, and do you really need to know that we did your boss, your brother and your father, and that all of them were better than you?
Gingee
majicksand
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 08:41 am: [report]
I’m with Earth Goddess. My fiance and I together pretty much 24/7. We have no secrets. I have lots of guy friends, some of whom I have dated, others were always just friends. I’ve been known to talk to some of them for hours at a time. I don’t hide any of it. The one time my fiance got a little jealous listening to me recount the highlights, he told me how he felt. I explained that I want him to be included in every aspect of my life. We know other couples who hide things, and it never works out well. Even if it’s innocent, it seems more ominous if you find out accidentally.
On his end, there’s one girl who bothers me. She’s a dancer. He helped judge a contest in which she won “sexiest dancer”. He told me that they had gone on a couple of dates a few years back, but it fizzled before it went anywhere. When we saw her later, she made a point of insinuating there was a history just to try to intimidate me. I let her know I knew exactly what happened (and did not happen) between them, and I was neither threatened nor impressed.
He was confused by what he believed to be jealousy on my part until I explained that my continued dislike of this girl has nothing to do with him. Her attempt to make me feel inferior proved her worth as a person to me. She was disrespectful and intentionally catty for no reason other than she thought she could get away with it. I have no use for that type of person in my life.
I made it clear to him that I will not censor his friends but that I would be disappointed if her behavior didn’t color his opinion of her. I don’t think he’s spoken to her since.
My point is in a solid, healthy relationship trust and communication are key. My fiance and I occasionally disagree/argue/misunderstand, but we take the time to express how we feel and allow the other to explain his/her point of view. Nothing is ever left to fester.
Secrets are bad. They cause mistrust. That has nothing to do with “mystery”. I’ve known my fiance for years, and I still learn new things about him everyday.
Napa Valley Guy
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]
My problem is not WHAT to reveal, but WHEN to reveal it. How much of your “real self” should remain a secret? OK, some things should remain confidential, such as truly personal, possibly hurtful disclosures by a former lover, but when exactly do you mention that you have a drawer in the bathroom stuffed with toys, or that you have a custom-made, silver inlaid riding crop? It isn’t fair to dump this information on a potential partner too early, but when? If you’re not into rape fantasies, how will you feel when the new love of your life dumps that little gem on you? What about your robust interest in porn and her dislike of same? Or the reverse? Timing is everything. Oh, the bathroom thing? I have met a number of women who don’t feel the need to close the door for most….... chores. One, a very buxom blonde, squatted and peed in my driveway… said she was marking her territory. Takes all kinds. Her “secret” was that she liked to be watched. We are all adults here, and the spectrum of appetites is very broad. So, when and how much?
Gingee
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 10:01 am: [report]
For my brother and me, probably the sooner you reveal those things, the better, ‘cause we will run, not walk, away.
If the guy likes porn, then he has no use for me and I have no use for him. Tell me up front, and do not waste my time. I get vicious after learning AFTER the fact that I’ve shared my body with some slitch.
GinGee
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 10:07 am: [report]
@Gingee: It’s not a secret that I love and collect lots of porn, and it doesn’t translate into anything like that for anyone I know.
majicksand
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 10:37 am: [report]
@Napa: I say reveal your quirks when you feel comfortable opening up. As far as sexual preferences, it seems to me that conversation should happen before the sex starts.
What’s up with all these people who are willing to have sex but not discuss it anyway? (not directed at you necessarily, Napa, just a random question)
Gingee
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 03:03 pm: [report]
Gingee does not care what another adult does.
My preference is to not have sex with those who watch that kind of thing.
joyy
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 03:08 pm: [report]
@gingee - I’m not trying to be snarky ... but I just don’t think I’ve ever met a man who fits that bill, so I’m curious as to how that’s working out for you.
Gingee
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 03:15 pm: [report]
Very well, actually. Being a Mennonite does have its benefits.
Besides that, my guy can expect to be pounced on in a movie parking lot, or whatever location appeals. IOW, I keep him so occupied, he has no time to think of watching that which he can be experiencing.
bbpickles
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 08:09 pm: [report]
My boyfriend has told me about his past girlfriends, his “kind of” girlfriends, and girls he has just hooked up with! I didn’t ask him to tell me any of this!!!! I don’t wana know these things and when I told him that, he explained to me that he really wants us to work and doesn’t want to hide anything from me…..GREAT! Now I feel like I have to listen to it….It’s annoying and I DONT want to know this about him!
Gingee
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 12:11 am: [report]
Plesse do ME a favor and DO NOT tell BF about your past guys. Even if he asks.
Did he explain how telling you things that are none of your concern, and totally out of your control, is going to enhance your relationship. Make it stronger? Show that you can trust him?
Gingee
hereshestands
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 04:03 am: [report]
I would die if someone read my journal. My mum would never dare to. She has one as well and I know that if she was to pass away (God forbid) I am to burn it and not read one word. I mean if you are in each others pockets all the time you find out all the little bits about each other anyway? I don’t really have any secrets.
verdecillo
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 06:49 pm: [report]
I am a guy, and I know that (stereotypically speaking) guys are supposed to be secretive and not like sharing their thoughts/feelings, but I have to agree with those who have a “share-all” policy. My fiancee and I tell each other everything. We know everything about each other’s pasts, and we are always honest about how something makes us feel. We did this even before we became engaged while we were dating and it was something that we liked about each other. I think this openness and honesty strengthens our relationship- I would hate it if I felt that she was keeping secrets from me (and I’m sure she would feel the same if the opposite were true). I am not asserting that this is the only way- everyone’s relationship is different. However, keep in mind that secrets have an uncanny way of surfacing- would you want your BF/GF/partner/etc. finding out about your secret from a source other than yourself? If that happens, the question of “why did you never tell me that?” is sure to follow. Personally, I would rather not have such an experience- I’ll stick to the old maxim “honesty is the best policy.”