Dating Don’ts: How Not To Get Revenge On An Ex
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
8:00AM, Thursday July 9th 2009
Well-known peacenik Mahatma Ghandi famously proclaimed, “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” Sorry, Ghandi, but I beg to disagree. The sad fact is, there are times in a lady’s life when revenge tastes pretty sweet. (Even in a blind taste test.)
One of those times is after some cad shatters your tender little heart into a billion tiny shards. Sure, embracing the gloom is one way of dealing, but who are you really hurting by forcing ice cream down your pie-hole whilst weeping over Lifetime movies and stalking his Facebook page? Answer: Yourself.
Wouldn’t it be more fun to hurt him? The dude who done you wrong?
New York City-based psychologist Dr. Catia Harrington says, “the desire to seek revenge or retribution in some form is a natural reaction when we have been hurt. Especially in a relationship; when we often feel emotionally vulnerable.”
Of course there are degrees of revenge. Replacing his Rogaine with Nair, emailing his parents with pictures of him smoking (which they know nothing about), and smack-talking him via Twitter are one thing. Boiling his pet bunny is quite another.
Jenny had just discovered she was pregnant when she found out that her husband had decided to open up their relationship without informing her. “I went wild,” she confides. “I cut up his best shirts, and on his nice, white wedding shirt I wrote—in red lipstick—‘too fat to fit.’” She then proceeded to dump used kitty litter into his suitcase and threw everything on the sidewalk in front of their apartment.
And really, who could blame her? Certainly not moi. I only wish my revenge strategies were as sound as Jenny’s. When the brooding painter I was dating ditched me for the last time, I retaliated by fooling around with his best friend. Not that the painter ever found out. Doh!
However, my retributive incompetence pales in comparison with my friend Anna’s. When she got suspicious that her boyfriend was cheating, she didn’t confront him in tears or throw his clothes out the window. In fact, she didn’t say a word. Instead she made flyers adorned with the suspected temptress’s mug, added some choice text, and then proceeded to plaster the flyers all over their neighborhood. Wasn’t her face red when it turned out the boyfriend had been faithful. Oopsie!
The internet and the advent of cheap and easy digital photography and video has taken revenge strategies to a whole ‘nother level. “The Real Housewives Of New Jersey”’s Danielle Staub found this out the hard way when her young buck tried to sell their sex tape to the highest bidder. And it’s not just celebrities who fall victim; there are the scores of websites that solicit people to send in compromising shots or embarrassing stories of partners who done them wrong.
It’s enough to make a girl lock her heart away in a locker and throw away the key. I asked Dr. Harrington what we might have to gain by exacting revenge. Her answer: absolutely nothing.
“Revenge does not appear to really make us feel any better,” she says. “In fact, it often makes us feel worse. It leaves us stuck in the past, and dwelling in our pain. So the next time you are thinking about posting nude photos of your ex, it might be best to keep in mind—you are actually hurting yourself.”
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Annika Harris
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 08:20 am: [report]
My aunt was the queen of revenge back in the day. She cut holes in the pockets of all her husband’s pants once, and he didn’t notice until he went to pull out some money, which was long gone. She also called Japan once for the time (this was in the ‘80s) and left the phone off the hook. And she had someone’s gas and electric temporarily turned off. Priceless.
MichelleS1017
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 08:29 am: [report]
i heard of a wife who found out her hubby was cheating and drenched his entire closet and garage (i guess for his nice car) with liter fluid.. someone calmed her down before setting fire. the worse part? they are still together
AgentBeryllium
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 08:44 am: [report]
I would agree that this article is very true to form. I am very vindictive when it comes to breaking up over cheating. You give it your all in a relationship then something stupid like this happens(see below) and then you wonder why women are hell bent on getting even? I think this mystery is solved.
For the last month I have been teasing my ex because he said he had feelings for his BFF who is a girl(who originally called him after dumping and chucking her BF of 3 years to say J- I think I ‘m starting to have feelings for you.)So even though he told her he had serious feelings for me and that we were an item(she claimed she didn’t know, right.) he began to have feelings for her and said he was afraid of cheating on me. So I broke it off and told him to go date her. Since then I have been flirting & teasing my ex and then every time he tries to call for a booty call I tell him:
‘Well you were the one that said you had feelings for this other woman… you were the one who needed time to think… and If you want the ‘girlfriend experience’ then you got to pony up to being a real boyfriend.’
Just want to remind him I’m not his GF anymore.
Now he wants to get back with me. (ha! I don’t think so!)
I know sad. But I was really hurt by the ‘I think I have feelings for someone else’ bit. We’ve been dating for two years and before that he was talking about marrying me then that slime ball dumps her boyfriend and goes after mine?! Ruined everything! All because she is moving down here for graduate school and didn’t want to be ‘alone’.
He’s lucky… one of my ex’s… after we broke up I got into his email and sent invites for his ‘coming out party’. It went to friends, family, and coworkers. Just hit the send to all button and let the fun begin.
Sorry on a rant this morning…
sparklestar
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 09:11 am: [report]
My ex cheated on his current girlfriend with at least 4 other women for the first 6 months they were dating. He was SERIOUSLY dating somebody else at this time too and used to invite them both over on the same day and have sex with them without showering.
His current poor girlfriend is only 18 and it would destroy her if she found out. That is the only reason why I haven’t told her. He wouldn’t care because he’d just go find some other woman and she’d be emotionally destroyed.
I’d totally help her cut up his shirts.
Kay Kay
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 10:21 am: [report]
My favorite revenge tactic is getting all dolled up and looking totally AMAZING, showing up to his favorite haunt and making sure he sees me having a fabulous time without him. Either he realizes what he’s missing out on, or he doesn’t. Either way, I look good and I have a good time.
becktasm
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 01:02 pm: [report]
Whenever a guy cheats on me, I sleep with his best friend. I’ve done it three times now. It’s so easy it’s ridiculous. All it takes is one woebegone facebook message about how I need to be comforted and a little bit of alcohol, and bam, I’ve hurt my ex way more than he hurt me. Crazy vindictive and maybe too cruel but hey, maybe he shouldn’t have cheated on me in the first place.
mikeyellenlee
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 04:42 pm: [report]
When I found out my ex was cheating on me, I proceeded to smash every window on his car with a baseball bat and then sped off in my truck with my best friend driving. Can’t say it made me feel worse. Doing that actually made me feel much, much better.
_jsw_
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 04:52 pm: [report]
@becktasm: The next time you start a serious relationship, please post the guy’s info here so some of the unattached guys can attempt to become his best friend before luring him to cheat.
pyromantic
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 08:06 pm: [report]
How not to get revenge on an ex: tell him to go die of liver failure like his dad. Whoops.
tweakerbell
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 03:12 pm: [report]
@becktasm: You too? i have also done the bro-hopper thing 3+ times… (number four was a roommate, not a best friend). Every time, it was after i’d been cheated on.i am usually not a very vindictive person, but cheating is the one thing you can hurt me with you can be sure that i will hurt you back for. ten-fold, if possible. really, its almost like a reflex.
i guess i should also mention that my current boyfriend of 2 years was best friends with my ex (who i was with for over 4 years) for like, 15 years before either of them even met me. and honestly, i do feel a certain amount of guilt over that one.
raqueleza
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 04:11 pm: [report]
@becktasm: LOVE it.
Those vengeful ladies are cray-cray! Destroying actual property is some Jerry Springer type #&@$%…no wonder some guys think all girls are insane.
I pull out the trusty “I faked all my orgasms”. You’d think he wouldn’t care, but I’ve made two dudes cry on three separate occasions with that line—works like a charm.
Gingee
wrote on July 12 2009 @ 05:00 pm: [report]
Vengeance is sweet, but I wouldn’t waste such a gift - and it IS a gift we have and can enjoy - over a guy’s cheating.
For cheaters there is only one reaction: Dump him.
Walk off, never look back and never give him another thought.
Save vengeance for the times when it serves its true purpose. As in warning others, “You don’t want to do that to me, because I WILL hurt you and I will enjoy it.”
Gingee
catfish
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 01:25 am: [report]
@gingee - you are absofrickinlutely right!
MissConstrued
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 10:21 am: [report]
lol@not getting revenge, that’s just stupid. i tend not to go after their stuff though unless they are really crazy about their things, I don’t fancy getting sued over this mess.
best stuff I’ve come up with:
1) my exhusband was doing god knows what with our neighbor. tried to pull the “your crazy” thing when he was caught, but I was a step ahead of him. I made an anonymous call to the police and told them that I was driving home that day and saw someone in their car, drinking beer. Gave them the neighbor’s license plate number.
2) exboyfriend band member was away on a road trip and I was pretty much over hearing from my friends what they heard from his friends blah blah blah. He left the kitchen a mess, and the doors unlocked when he left. The day I knew he was going to come home I hid the tv (it was really easy too on a rolling shelf) and some stereo equipment. When he got home I said (best surprised face ever) “did you see what happened?!” he goes “the tv’s gone!!!” lol I let him and his friend ride around to all the pawn shops in town while I put the stuff back. When he got back home I told him that the police found a van with an entire load of things in it and our stuff was there. lol He thought I was really brave to call the police and never found out I was behind the whole thing.
3) Cheat on him with his brother, best friend, roommate whoEVER. It’ll be way better sex than when he cheated on you, and you only have to do one to his who knows how many.
dennishong
wrote on July 26 2009 @ 11:29 pm: [report]
Becktasm and Tweakerbell,
I’m glad to hear that you have the perfect strategy for getting back at a cheating boyfriend, but… don’t you think there’s something inherently messed up about the fact that you’ve had to do this MULTIPLE times? One of my favorite websites has a saying that goes something like this: “Dysfunction: The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.”
Anyway, I say this with all due respect, but… why do you continue to date these slimebags? Cuz there ARE plenty of great guys out there. Guys who WON’T make you resort to sleeping with their best friends.
The way I look at it, if you get cheated on once, obviously he’s the one who did something wrong. But, if you get cheated on multiple times, then maybe you’re the one doing something wrong.
Just my two cents….