Dating Don’ts: In Defense Of Snooping
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Thursday October 22nd 2009
I used to be one of those self-righteous types who declared I’d sooner break up with a man than stoop to snoop. This stance wasn’t because I was noble or had never been tempted—I’m not and I have. I just remember all too well the day my mother read my journal aloud to my entire family. I was 17 and, as you can probably imagine, that book was bursting at the seams with embarrassing, angst-laden, mawkish, teenage drama. To say I was mortified ... well, that doesn’t begin to describe the way I felt.
Since that day, I’ve always been very respectful of other people’s privacy, in particular my partners’ and, unfortunately, often to my own detriment. I’d listen to suspicious friends’ tales of hacking into their boyfriends’ emails or reading their texts and waste no time voicing my disapproval.
But as you get older, you stop seeing things in black and white and realize there are shades of gray and people don’t always behave the way you’d like them to.
When a live-in ex started “working late” and getting snippy with me on the rare occasions he was home, perhaps I should’ve gone through his wallet or dropped by the office to see what was up. Maybe I would have noticed that he’d started schtupping his coworker.
When Janet’s boyfriend of nearly seven years started disappearing for hours at a time and not picking up her calls, her gut told her something was up. Naturally, her man denied it, claiming she was just “crazy.” (Don’t you hate that?) So she went through his call logs and searched his internet history. Her Nancy Drew sleuthing revealed that her boyfriend was calling sex chat lines and hiring prostitutes. Janet didn’t want to reveal that she’d been checking up on him, so she just insisted she “knew” something was up. He guessed that she’d been nosing around and had the nerve to get angry at her!
Dr. Ian Kerner, Ph.D., couples counselor and the author of She Comes First (among other books), says that sometimes a person is left with no choice but to snoop. “In a committed relationship, I don’t think there should be anything to hide,” he says. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a degree of privacy, like your own bank account, but when it comes to the important stuff, secrets damage relationships.”
Nor does he feel that you should apologize for peeking. “I don’t think you should be embarrassed about following your gut and finding something—that means you weren’t paranoid, you were on track.”
But what about when you don’t find something? For example, my friend Linda secretly read every single one of her boyfriend’s journals, going back years before they got together. She wasn’t looking for evidence of wrongdoing; she was just being nosy. “If you snooped and don’t find anything, you should ask yourself—are you jealous? Are you paranoid? There’s a lesson to be learned there as well.”
Kerner feels that a certain amount of snooping—or verification—can actually help a relationship. “Sometimes what gets discovered is more of an emotional infidelity,” he says. “For example, you snoop and find out he has a flirtatious relationship with a coworker. That betrayal is less of a clear sexual betrayal and that’s an opportunity to create clearer boundaries.”
Which, I supposed, can keep an affair from becoming physical in the first place? “Exactly,” he affirms. “An emotional affair can get out of control—or it can be nipped in the bud.”
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Jill
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 10:15 am: [report]
I’m ashamed to admit I’m a huge snooper. But with my current boyfriend I’ve learned how it can be damaging. When I read his emails of course I didn’t find anything, my boy is a saint apparently. But I did find IMs between his former gf and him, from BEFORE we had even met. I had no right to get upset by the dirty emails and how he was much more cuddly and needy with her than he ever has been with me. But I did anyway. Snooping made me jealous when I had no right to be and I was in the wrong, not him.
yinkus pinkus
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 10:22 am: [report]
snooping is good. its the only way you will find out the truth! but be careful though, it just might backfire.
Drea
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 10:22 am: [report]
With my ex, I would occasionally feel like something was really wrong, and I ended up checking his phone. Found recent naughty pictures/texts from his ex wife. We muddled through that mess just fine but I learned to trust my instincts and snoop, but only when I felt something was wrong and he wouldn’t talk about it despite me asking if he’s ok. And eventually I found him on Facebook setting himself up for his next relationship - with an old girlfriend from high school.
If he had wanted to look through my texts, my emails, even all the files on my computer, he could have. A few things would be mildly embarassing, but I had nothing to hide.
bumbler
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 10:34 am: [report]
Eh snooping because you’re curious is wrong, snooping because something is strange and your significant other won’t talk to you about it is excusable in my book. Sometimes you have to protect yourself.
intuition
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]
I’m guilty of snooping.
One time I was on my bf’s computer and wanted to visit a site I had been to before. I checked the history only to discover tons of porn sites. Not a huge deal, but kind or weirded me out. I ended up confronting him about it, and he said that when he visited other gaming sites, pop-ups and other sites came up too. I felt dumb.
Another time, I was doing his laundry and noticed receipts in his pockets for chew and cigarettes. (Smoking is a big no-no to me, and he used to be a smoker.) I was so torn up about it before confronting him. A few days later he went on the gum and hasn’t smoked since. This time I was glad I snooped because it allowed me to help him when he was too afraid to come to me.
retro chic
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]
Snooping’s good. Just sparingly, when intuition is piqued. To protect the relationship, not make crazy indictments. Intuition justified, btw, and problem solved.
That said, when I was in my early 20s, a little B & E and house/effects search and a little PsyOps was not unheard of (pre-Internet) with one BF. Concerns were confirmed, fwiw. Pinks slip followed. I was stealth that way.
Raugiel
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:00 am: [report]
@ intuition - I don’t think either of those things were snooping! If you are doing something that you would normally do, like looking in a browser history to find an old link, or taking the junk out of your sweeties pockets so you don’t throw important stuff through the wash, and happen to find something, that’s just a lucky cooincidence for you. It’s not like you were trying to find something or even thought there was something to find.
MuchoMacho
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
confronting him about porn sites? lol… first of all, porn site pop-ups dont show up in your browser (sorry to call your bf out), and they generally only pop up if youre at other porn sites. speaking from experience. porn is no big deal anyway… its 2009, not 1950.
abbylyn
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]
I have snooped - it’s how I found out my ex was cheating on me. Poking around internet history, checking call logs, looking at emails if someone else left themselves signed in, I think that’s all acceptable. Actually hacking accounts or breaking and entering crosses a line though in my mind. That said, I also believe that snoopers deserve what they find.
writergirl
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:20 am: [report]
I’ve never snooped. I’ve come across things unintentionally—like receipts for my christmas gifts or porn sites on his laptop—but nothing that was worth even mentioning.
If I suspected him of something though, asked and got no where…then I would try and snoop. Though, since he does everything via email and his laptop, without those passwords, I’m kinda screwed.
Loves2Spooge
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]
Snooping is not cool. I have been the victim of it twice and it twice ruined relationships. I once caught a college girl I had started dating pouring through my IM convos while I left the room to get US dinner. When I returned, she abruptly stopped and tried to deny it. The two of us then sat there for 20 minutes while she finished explore my entire harddrive, before I told her to leave and at both dinners… yum.
The second such time was with a girl I had been seeing for almost 8 months. I was come out of the shower to find her scouring my emails. She had found something from roughly two years before we had met, became jealous that I didn’t treat her the same way I treated this other lady-friend, and things really fell apart.
Lesson: the only snooping should be Mr. Doggy Dogg.
bjoontheupside
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:31 am: [report]
I have to say that I’m really glad this article and these comments confirm that I’m not paranoid, nor should I feel bad about the snooping I’ve done. I recently broke up with my boyfriend after I realized that I couldn’t trust him to tell me the truth about anything he did, even after having proof. I can’t stand to be with someone that lies to me. Unfortunately, we are living together as roommates at the moment and I find that it’s still very much an issue for me and all it does is drive me nuts. I really need to ask him to move out…
*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]
I have only ever “snooped” once. I was going through my (current) SO’s email account (he knew this and was in the room with me) because I needed to set up an account to pay his bills online (getting ready for future deployments). He *never* checks his email, so when I logged in and noticed that he had a good 600+ unread emails, I asked if he minded if I cleaned them out for him so when he got bill pay confirmations, it was easier to sort through. He told me to have at it. As I was cleaning it out, I came across a few notifications from Myspace saying that his ex had responded to his message or that she had sent him one. Before I got suspicious, I checked the date to make sure that it wasn’t from when they were still together.—it wasn’t. It was from just a few months prior (right before he got back from his last deployment). Naturally, I got super suspicious and decided to check his Myspace to see what was up. (Long back story with this particular ex, including instances where she’s tried to seduce him and he’s conceded to spending time with her as “friends” out of fear of “hurting her feelings”). I didn’t find much, only a single message from her indicating that he had informed her of his return date and insinuating that he wished to meet up with her. Her response was “can’t you just tell Sam that you’re staying with a friend for a weekend? I only work on Sunday, so you could stay over Friday and Saturday night and we can go out.”
Obviously, I flipped the f out. Come to find out, he had only told her of his return date in an effort to sort a few left over things with her out (a joint phone account that he couldn’t separate before he left as well as items that he had of hers in storage and vice versa). He then informed me that the particular message he found he never replied to simply because he didn’t want to let her continue thinking that they’re meeting was anything but business. Moreover, he never felt the need to tell me anything about it as it was just her being desperate and attempting to instill mistrust in me—which obviously worked. :(
Since then I’ve never had any reason to suspect anything with him. Although, when issues with this ex have occasionally popped up, he now knows that he needs to provide me with EVERY detail, otherwise I start getting crazy jealous. (I hate that b*tch more than anything, but I will at least give her credit in that she’s the ONLY person on the face of the earth that has the ability to make me flip and doubt like that…)
equnsuocha
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:41 am: [report]
I agree with the gut instinct. I am not a snooper but about a year ago the BF was acting weird, not taking my calls, distant at home and in the bedroom so I knew there was a problem even though he kept saying there was nothing going on. I snooped and was right, caught him have a a textual, is that a word, relationship with a girl from his hometown. Needless to say after he stopped his fake BS I got him to own his sh!t and he apologized and we moved forward. If I hadn’t snooped who knows what could have happened.
raqueleza
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:54 am: [report]
Ugh, I find snooping despicable. It’s everything horrible, nosy, suspicious and psycho about a relationship rolled into one. I would be LIVID if my guy checked out my computer history or read my e-mail, not because I have something to hide, but because it shows a gross lack of trust that should be inherent in a relationship, and that he feels he has to keep “tabs” on me.
I feel like if you’re THAT suspicious of someone, break up. There’s either something wrong (that you, for some reason, can’t TALK to him about, imagine that), or you’re just not ready for a relationship.
elizabethmarley
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:00 pm: [report]
I used to be ridiculously self-righteous when it came to snooping. I did not believe in it, did not do it ever ever ever EVER. And then!
I had a boyfriend who I always suspected of cheating but I could never prove it and I refused to go through his phone or email to prove it. One night I was using his laptop and his email notifier automatically popped up—it displayed the first line of the email which CLEARLY proved he had slept with the sender. I couldn’t help it and opened the email and read the entire conversation.
I like to think of it as Snooping Light. Skim Snooping! But it *was* snooping.
However, I’ve also been on the other end, I’ve been snooped on, and it is really hard to shake the feeling that my privacy has been violated. Especially since I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
MuchoMacho
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]
i dropped facebook b/c it got all stalkery. i had a gf who would constantly ask ‘who is so-and-so and why did she add you?’ ‘were in class together.’ ‘why did this person comment YOURE HOT on your photo?’ ‘because im hot?’ i mean i dont like guys making plays for my current gf either, but i trust her, so im sure the douche she just added as a friend knew her from high school or something. basically im not worried about it. theres checking something suspicious out, and theres stalking.
jackofhearts
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:12 pm: [report]
I have major snooping issues, but I’m happy to say I am six months snoop free! It got to the point where my BF would take his phone with him whenever he left the room, because the urge for me to go through it was just too strong.
It all started, of course, from one snoop when he had told me he was at an event alone, which I suspected wasn’t true. Going through his phone, I discovered he was there with his ex. Nothing happened, they parted amicably a long time ago and there’s no spark but he didn’t tell me about it.
After that I began to check his phone obsessively. I never found anything, but he hated it so much. At first he ignored it but finally he confronted me about it and I confessed about ‘the snoop that started it all.’
Our talk really cleared the air, and he revealed that his first ever girlfriend was obsessively jealous, and that has made him very guarded about his personal life, especially friendhships with other women.
We’ve finally come to understand each other so much better - I trust him so much more now, and he understands that the more he lets me in, the more the trust will grow.
It’s a really difficult conundrum because the less trust there is, the more guarded a partner will become, and the mistrust will grow…
... It’s a vicious cycle I know really well!
Trouble
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:21 pm: [report]
Snooping! Despicable. If you don’t trust the person you are with and you feel they won’t tell you the truth, good day sir! Leave his ass! It’s truly that simple.
If I catch a girlfriend snooping on me… that’s that. Not tolerated, not okay.
The number of women in here admitting to and defending it is… scary. Cmon ladies!
equnsuocha
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]
I agree snooping for the sake of snooping is horrible and says way more about you than anything you will find out about them IMHO. However, when the usually forgetful BF starts holding onto his cell tighter than his balls, you know something is up. I dont want an STD so yeah
AshleyMarie
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:40 pm: [report]
I agree with @bumbler….sometimes (as in the two instances mentioned in this article) you have to look out for yourself and your feelings, especially if your SO won’t talk about it.
I also like how the article points out that if you snoop and don’t find anything…maybe that teaches you as much of a lesson as if you did find something.
*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:40 pm: [report]
I would just like to clarify that my one instance of “snooping” ended right then and there. As for my thoughts/feelings regarding it: I’m glad that my suspicions turned out to be a ploy by his manipulative ex, however, I still hate the fact that I “snooped.” I know my ex well enough to know that if anything ever DID happen, he would fess up bc his guilt would kill him otherwise. However, given the circumstances regarding said ex, the one positive thing that came out of my “snooping” was that he realized just how bat sh*t crazy his ex could make me with little to no effort, thus emphasizing his need to be candid with ALL information regarding her. and in the end, *that* is what has saved our relationship. Before, he never thought anything of “forgetting” to tell me that he’d spoken with her (even if it was just about getting stuff back, or how much money she owed him) and it would *always* come back and bite him b/c eventually she would call while we were together and then she’d say or do something to insinuate that he had been talking with her “as friends” for the past month, and even though he’d deny it, there would be proof that he had in fact called her, etc etc. It was a bloody mess. That ex put us through SO much hell, it’s ridiculous! But, after that “snooping” fiasco, he’s finally figured out that if he doesn’t tell me immediately that she’s contacted him, it will only serve him to look suspicious later.
(side note: he’s FINALLY managed to sort out ALL of his issues with her regarding possessions, money, phone bills, etc. so we BOTH now have the closure that we so desperately needed from her.—stupid c*nt only dragged the process out for nearly 2yrs, but, it’s finally bloody settled.)
Jillybean
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:43 pm: [report]
@ Jackofhearts - good on you!
liadee
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:46 pm: [report]
Look, no one likes to stoop to the level of being a snooper—but what do you do if the person you love isn’t being straight with you? You know him/her far too well not to notice when something is up! Isn’t that the whole point of a relationship, being able to read someone and be there for them through everything? Anyway, I’ve had both opinions. There have been times I’ve refused to snoop. There have been times I couldn’t help but snoop on a daily basis. But only when you get that feeling in your stomach—that sick churning feeling—that you’re being taken advantage of, or lied to!
I’ve also been snooped ON and it’s definitely no fun, but at the same time, I deserved to get caught! Both situations have come to light in my relationship and while neither of us was actually cheating, we were able to open up and talk about it and set boundaries for ourselves with friends of the opposite sex.
Snooping isn’t fun if you find something that ruins your relationship, but sometimes snooping followed by honesty can really help two people grow! <3
novavariations
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:49 pm: [report]
I’m guilty.
A little over a year and a half ago my boyfriend started acting weird. It was a long distance relationship, and we were two years in so I knew his schedule backwards. He stopped answering calls, and when he would return my calls they would be late at night and he would get mad at me for occasionally being asleep. He was distant in the bedroom, and when I would go over there—he wouldn’t let me use his laptop anymore (not a big deal, but the past two years he hadn’t had a problem with it.) Or if he would, he would sit on it for five to ten minutes and THEN let me use it while watching over my shoulder the entire time. For a man who never was 5 inches away from his phone, when I was there now for a weekend, he would just leave it in a corner in his room, on silent—‘who else would call me if you’re around.’ I confronted him several times, wanting to know what was up, but he assured me everything was fine and that he just was stressed.
While he was in the shower one day I checked his phone. There were flirty texts from several girls, but not enough in his sent folder to show that ‘he’ had done anything wrong. So I went to Facebook and his email. There were messages between him and several girls, setting up plans to do various things (all of them sexual) after I had left. Most of them were even aware that I was there and were “anxious for me to leave”. Further inspection of his email yielded x-rated pictures of himself that he had sent to even more girls. That was it—I was gone.
That being said: I’ve been in my current relationship for a little over eight months and I don’t have the slightest urge to snoop. I trust him completely and don’t punish him for my ex’s mistakes.
retro chic
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
Who is Emily Poster dating and snooping about… in the office?
Scandal at The Frisky.
@ “Trouble” ...is why our concerns are mostly justified!
As Judy McGuire said:
//...as you get older, you stop seeing things in black and white and realize there are shades of gray…//
As primary gatekeepers of relationships, for most women it is a tool, not a weapon. So happy you’ve had no occasion to mistrust your GFs.
Clearly the gender lines are drawn on this one.
FTR, my big snoop days are long over, but would have no problem fact-checking as a preemptive measure to protect the relationship for both our benefit. Has very little to do with trust, per se.
magyar-beauty
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
I used to be a snooper, but then karma came and bit me in the a$$.....i learned my lesson…I hated that my ex went through my stuff; It felt horrible, like I had all of my privacy taken from me…and ultimatly he achived the opposite, I started to hide everything from him, never left him alone in my home and eventually broke up with him…
Ziggo
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 02:42 pm: [report]
I have never felt the need to comment before, but this is just nuts. Relationships are built on trust and if you don’t trust the person then just end it. It doesn’t matter if there was some foul play going on, without trust the relationship will never really work.
People don’t change much, justifying snooping by saying it prevented something worse from happening is even worse. If he was going to cheat before, he will be likley to cheat again. You won’t be able to smack his hand every time he goes for the cookie.
SunflowerEyes
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 02:43 pm: [report]
Yes, I’m a snooper but I always tell my fiance when I’ve snooped and he thinks it’s kinda oddly sweet that I care so much. He doesn’t seem too bothered by it because he states he has nothing to hide. Which, as far as I can tell, he doesn’t. Now I’ll know if he starts getting really defensive about something - that something fishy is going on. I know, I’m neurotic, but I’m honest!
BKsweetheart
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 02:54 pm: [report]
You all are crazy!! I’m a PRO at snooping. I’m like 007 in this piece!! LOL. I take it beyond the texts and e-mail, I’m looking in medicine cabinets, trash cans, under the bed, corners of drawers (for condoms), checking his comb or brush for girl’s hair, etc. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with snooping when done CORRECTLY. Don’t do some dumb sh* like be going through his phone or e-mail when he steps out of the room to go to the bathroom (cause you know he’s coming right back) or even dumber leave his text or e-mail open or not leaving things EXACTLY the way you found them.
I haven’t always been a snooper and usually I don’t unless I have some sort of suspicion or intuition. Otherwise I usually respect people’s privacy because I wouldn’t want someone rummaging through my things. I have never discovered anyone cheating on me, but I have found a couple questionable things like excessive amounts of porn (which in itself is not a problem but this was some weird sh*t!!) and how this one girl my ex knew from his gym was trying to work her way into the mix and was sending him inappropriate text messages and he didn’t tell me about it. Also how this same guy was telling his old college buddies all of our relationship issues and talking trash about me. So snooping I think is useful because like the Dr. said above, it can help you intercept and/or nip certain things in the bud before it becomes a bigger problem. And also, it can save you alot of heartache and confusion in knowing the truth instead of being blindsided when your BF comes home and just dumps you one day with no explanation. (This hasn’t happened to me, but I know a few people who have been through this) Men are sneaky dogs!! They will always try to get away with as much as they possibly can if they think you won’t find out. Sorry, gotta keep them bad boys on a leash!!
MuchoMacho
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 03:05 pm: [report]
@BKsweet - youre relationship is cancer… i hope your man discovers how much you distrust him and leaves you. i feel filthy after reading how you mistreat him. worst part? he’s never DONE anything! and the whole trash talking to his buddies thing… guys vent. to their friends. just like girls. you need to seriously grow up. seek therapy.
Ziggo
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 03:21 pm: [report]
Exactly, trust is the foundation of relationships. If you don’t trust your partner, just end it and save everyone some time.
Your snooping isn’t going to prevent anything either, you are not always going to be around with a ruler everytime they reach for the cookie jar.
My wife and I have had several periods of long distance both before and after our marriage. It only works because of trust.
BKsweetheart
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 04:44 pm: [report]
@Mucho - First of all, I never said this was my CURRENT situation. I’m just talking about over the years. You also assumed that I haven’t been a victim of snooping (which is what usually prompts my snooping). You’re right, excessive mistrust in a relationship is cancer which is why, if you had thoroughly read my comment, I said that I DO NOT engage in this behavior often unless I have valid reason to do so.
I personally think that in relationships there should be total honesty and transparency so there shouldn’t even be a reason to snoop in the first place. Please don’t judge when you clearly have no f*cking idea what you’re talking about.
And PS - venting is one thing but telling your buddies you wish I was lying dead at the bottom at the East River is NOT OKAY to say the least. Even if it was a joke or an exaggeration, obviously there’s some #&@$% we need to talk about.
bumbler
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 05:02 pm: [report]
Haha I guess I’m one of the rare ones that doesn’t feel bad. If you start lying to me or hiding things and refuse to tell me the truth I’m going to find it out. Sorry but my life and health are worth more to me than his delicate male sensibilities about privacy. For the record I’m out the door already if you’re acting like a snot to me and not talking about it but I’m also going to take the time to find out what I need to be tested for. Look at the history here, we have cases where women were being cheated on physically, emotionally, where men were taking exes out on dates and blatantly lying about it. All of them gaslighting left and right (Gaslight, rent it, excellent movie). We’re not mind readers and if circumstances go south and we can’t count on our boyfriends we have to take steps to protect ourselves.
equnsuocha
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 05:09 pm: [report]
@bumbler I’m with you sister!
bumbler
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 05:14 pm: [report]
Thanks equnsuocha, I should add I think men should do the same thing if they’re concerned about being cheated on. Even if you’re using condoms in your relationship herpes and HPV can be transferred by skin to skin contact. Herpes is incurable and HPV increases your risks for penile cancer and could lead to cervical cancer in your future partners. You have a right to know if someone you trusted has been exposing you to diseases.
Rokkor
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 06:21 pm: [report]
I don’t know, I’m big on honesty and communication. If you don’t trust the other person and have to resort to digging through their private files in order to find out what’s going on in their life, there’s some serious issues there, regardless of what you find.
Then again, I’ve never know a woman to think along those lines…
*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 06:42 pm: [report]
@BKsweetheart: while I hope that your *current* relationship isn’t as topic as your previous ones, may I just point out that the fact that you’ve never found anyone actually cheating on you as a sign that maybe you’re a little too suspicious of your partners? You said yourself that the worst you’ve ever found is porn, a girl sending inappropriate (which is in itself VERY subjective) texts, and a guy “trash talking you” to his friends. No offense, but when that’s all you find, you make it seem as though *anything* could be considered “suspicion,” enabling you the “right” to snoop around. Obviously I don’t know you or your many situations, but the way in which you framed your statements, you seem as though you may have some SERIOUS trust issues, which in fact, should probably be told to a therapist. Trust issues can really mess up your life. I hope my perception is wrong, but, if it’s not, I really do hope you either get help or find a way to trust others.
*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 06:44 pm: [report]
edit: “topic” was SUPPOSED to be “toxic.”
my bad. :(
BKsweetheart
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 07:16 pm: [report]
Its so funny to me how my comments have been so misconstrued. You folks make it seem as if I said I’m always snooping or looking for a reason to snoop. Or that I’m this paranoid psycho wackjob in desperate need of therapy for my incessant snooping and mistrust of all humankind. It’s basically what Bumbler said, I’m just trying to protect myself. But as I also said, for the most part I respect other people’s privacy because I wouldn’t want someone rummaging through my stuff. However, when a guy starts acting weird or all the sudden is unavailable or MIA for hours at a time, etc., I will find out what’s going on! Like i said, men think they are so slick but they’re no match for me!
Snooping should really be the last resort. The first questionable and/or suspiscious thing that happens - I usually let it slide and won’t even say anything. I just keep my eye on the situation. If I find it was an isolated thing and everything is going well otherwise, it’ll be forgotten. It’s when a pattern of questionable things happen and I’ve already tried talking to him that I need to take matters into my own hands.
This is the bottom line: I want to trust my guy, I want to trust that you’re doing the right thing. I really don’t want to feel like I have to snoop. Because as I previously said, once two people start having trust issues, it becomes so cancerous and its really the beginning of the end. The foundation of any relationship - romantic, friendship or otherwise is TRUST. Without that, you have nothing.
*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 07:25 pm: [report]
@BK..: i really wasn’t trying to offend. Like I stated previously, the fact that you haven’t actually ever found anything really worth note, seems to imply that you may be too suspicious. Obviously we have different thresholds for what we consider ‘suspicious’ or ‘snoop worthy.’ For you, it could be “acting weird all of a sudden or is unavailable or MIA for hours at a time.” me? it’s something more along the lines of having a pretty good idea he’s speaking with an ex behind my back. What ev. My concern really was just if your suspicions are reeking havoc in your life. if you’ve got a good life and a good relationship with those around you, then obviously your suspicions aren’t interfering. I say this because my bff of 12+ yrs has that problem. She used to get so suspicious and start snooping around at the slightest instance that something was up. It ruined so many of her relationships because as soon as it became apparent that she didn’t trust the person, they started actually GIVING her reasons not to. I just hope that sort of thing isn’t or hasn’t happened to you.
_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 07:26 pm: [report]
@BKsweetheart: Therefore, by your own logic, as soon as you snoop, the relationship is over, because trust is gone. So instead of snooping, just walk away.
Just using what you wrote here.
BKsweetheart
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 07:43 pm: [report]
@Sam - yes I would also consider the ex thing a red flag, which has happened to me. And just to clarify, I have no found any evidence of physical cheating in any of my past relationships, but I have found evidence of what could be considered emotional cheating which is just as bad, if not worse. It’s just that in my previous relationship, my ex was so mistrusting of me and was constantly demanding to see my text messages and know my whereabouts at all times, it really made me wonder - is he really doing something behind MY back and he feels guilty so he’s deflecting? Or is his crazy behavior just smoke and mirrors so I don’t suspect him of anything? So I trusted my intuition and snooped through his things and lo and behold, he was having inappropriate conversations with another woman. Things never got physical as far as I know and who knows, maybe they never would have. There’s more to the story but that was basically a main factor in contributing to the downfall of our relationship because he refused to stop talking to her claiming they were just “friends” and he wasn’t interested in her. We had other issues as well but if despite my clear objection and disapproval, keeping this other person in your life is more important than keeping me, so be it. We ended up breaking up but I’m glad that I knew he wasn’t angel he pretended to be and that he tricked me into feeling guilty when I wasn’t doing anyting close to what he was doing.
@JSW - Snooping doesn’t necessarily mean the trust is gone. It’s just been reduced and/or momentarily questioned or jeopardized.
*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 07:54 pm: [report]
@BK: ah, that makes more sense.
at least you don’t sound so crazy paranoid now. though, no offense, claiming to be “007 of snooping” isn’t exactly something I would pride myself on 
BKsweetheart
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:07 pm: [report]
@Sam - well in my own defense, I was being partly facetious in my original comment but I had no idea people would get so up in arms!! :-D
*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:14 pm: [report]
@BK: lol! oh, please, it’s a lady site! you should have known SOMEONE would pitch a fit!! >_<
Laurel
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:25 pm: [report]
I work really hard to not snoop. I naturally tend towards jealousy/paranoia in relationships, which even though I’m aware of is still hard to deal with.
I used to look through my boyfriend’s facebook when he’d leave himself logged in. Not reading his PMs, just looking at the pages of exes of his. It wasn’t that I suspected him of anything, I just wanted to look at his exes, see if they are “prettier than me” and all that. I don’t really feel guilty about that, but I’ve stopped doing it because it almost always just ended up with me feeling jealous, fat and/or ugly…and I know I’m not the the latter two of those things.
I once read through a high school journal my boyfriend had around, but I felt so guilty that I admitted to it when I next saw him.
IDK. I think compulsive snooping is a bad thing for everyone involved. More than anything, I just try to remind myself that I only feel worse when I snoop.
_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:26 pm: [report]
@BKsweetheart: You wrote:
Of course trust is gone. If you need to be “007” and snoop, you have violated his trust in you.
You’d previously written:
So, basically, what you’re saying is that it’s OK to do something he wouldn’t want you to do as long as you don’t get caught.
Please explain to me how this is in any way different than what you’ve (typically incorrectly) believed your boyfriends were doing?
_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:28 pm: [report]
@*sam*: Yes, but she likely didn’t expect it’d be guys who had the fits.
*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:39 pm: [report]
@_jsw_: well, given the types of guys that peruse the site (not exactly the “ggrrr, I’m so macho and masculine! stand in awe of my testosterone and genuine awesomeness!! roar!!” types) it should still have been expected. especially when she made a comment about men being such “sneaky dogs.” *shrugs* she’s explained herself pretty well as far as I’m concerned. though, I will readily admit that her pic reminded me of luvtara. IDK why exactly, but it did, so I was pretty wary at first.
_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:48 pm: [report]
@*sam*: Hmph. Apparently we all come across as the balls-in-a-jar type. Grrr.
Anyway, I think we’ve all snooped, to some extent, in one relationship or another. My point is simply that snooping is a violation of trust, something we do that our partners would not want us to do and trust us not to do. It’s not the same as cheating with another person. But it is, nevertheless, a violation of trust.
*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:00 pm: [report]
@_jsw_: aww! I wouldn’t go so far as to categorize you (or any of the other guys on here for that matter) as “balls-in-a-jar” more like “think-before-I-speak” or “consider-ALL-sides-of-a-story-before-passing-judgment” types.
(and FWIW, I’m not tired of typing hyphens)
BKsweetheart
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:00 pm: [report]
@JSW - Wow! Some of you people really need to lighten up. Like I said, I was being partially facetious in my original comment but you folks are like burning me at the stake here as if I just said I was snooping through YOUR things.
I really think my comments have been taken out of context. I was just referring to my experiences over the years and the guy was not necessarily my BF in all the instances. In one instance it was an ex who was claiming he still loved me and wanted to get back with me and wasn’t messing with this one chick anymore yet when he left me in his place alone, I snooped and found a WHOLE DRAWER full of her clothing. Another time I was over, her bathrobe was hanging on the back of his bathroom door. And I wasn’t even snooping that time!! And when I brought it up to him, he came up with some lame ass story to explain it. Another time, I got an “accidental” text message from her telling someone else she was spending Thanksgiving with him. Again, didn’t even have to snoop. So my intuitions were correct in that case and that situation was extremely painful to me because I still really loved him and he was lying to my face.
In most of the cases, my snooping has been pretty casual such as just looking in his shower for any feminine looking items or in the garbage for condom wrappers. I don’t consider that violating someone’s privacy if its out in the open. I’ve only hardcore snooped in texts/e-mails a few times and in all those times, they had given me the password! So if you give me your password, you’re telling me you have nothing to hide. It’s not like I hacked into it. Whereas my last ex DID hack into my e-mail several times.
So please don’t paint me to be the bad guy here. I’ve been the victim of lying/dishonest men waaay to much to sit around and be naive and not follow my intuition when things dont seem to add up or when someone has pattern of lying in the past. And most of the time I have been RIGHT! So please don’t villify me without knowing all the facts. I’m sharing personal information with you all about things that happened to me that were extremely painful at the time - so yes, I’ve dated some serious a-holes yet I still have hope and don’t peg all men to be as sh*tty as my exes. I’ll still give ‘em a chance
In all seriousness, I would have thought that some people would empathize with me and not immediately rush to judgement without knowing the situation.
*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:01 pm: [report]
frickin’ A I can’t type today!!! >_<
edit: not -> now
I suck :(
_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:15 pm: [report]
@*sam*: It’s fine by me if you suck.
@BKsweetheart: I empathize with the fact that you’ve dated a bunch of jackasses. However, I think that since you consistently have found yourself in those situations, you likely need to look at why you’ve chosen the types of men you seem to have chosen and try to work on changing that. I understand why you felt compelled to snoop. My point simply was that snooping was a violation of trust and that, if you find yourself compelled to snoop to “check up” on your partner, odds are very good it’s not going to end well, so you might as well save both of you time and break it off then.
*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:18 pm: [report]
@_jsw_
lol I should have known that was coming!
_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:20 pm: [report]
@*sam*: Of course it was coming. You know what happens when you suck, goof.
JessicaKarra
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:47 pm: [report]
Don’t snoop unless you’re prepared for the worst….
Drea
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:39 pm: [report]
I don’t regret snooping and I wouldn’t go back and change it. I’m better off for it and no one can tell me otherwise.
MuchoMacho
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 08:46 am: [report]
@sam - i am, in fact, mucho macho. that means exceedingly masculine. i often speak my mind before knowing the full story, call it an admitted fault… but this is an internet comment section. if no one had an opinion, none of us would be here.
@bk - if i misjudged, im sorry. i just dont think i did.
questiongirl1
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 09:53 am: [report]
so what happens when someone is snooping, confronts that person and they deny what the person saw? example. what if i came across a folder containing a bunch of P*&N sites saved and my bf denied having it? Is he embarrassed? Why would he deny it?
hops09
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]
Snooping is not okay. Ever. If you suspect your SO is cheating, lying, or whatever, confront them about it. If you still don’t believe them, pack your bags and go. End of story. Just because you’re sleeping with someone doesn’t give you any special rights to their privacy. Sometimes your suspicions may actually be true. But the ends don’t justify the means.
Frederica Bimble
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 11:21 am: [report]
Loves2spooge: So, you attracted not one but two women who behaved in a similar fashion? That says more about you and your expectations than the women. If you want someone who behaves differently then start expecting it.
smh
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 05:25 pm: [report]
Not one for snooping - I want my privacy respected and so I respect the other parties privacy. It’s all about respect. State your expectations up front - walk the talk and if you sense something is not right ask. I tend to give the person the benefit of the doubt and ask if something seems not quite on track. Simple, direct, clear, concise, non-accusatory questions. Most importantly listen to what is being said and see if the actions match the words. More importantly since I want the other person to be honest I do not punish the person for telling the truth even though I may not like the answer.
If I am uncomfortable and the answers given to questions asked are not consistent ask for clarification. If that still does not resolve it then it is decision time. No need to waste time snooping. If the person I am with or the situation I am in triggers uncertainty to the point where I have to snoop - this lady is out the door.
Shasta
wrote on October 25 2009 @ 02:20 pm: [report]
@BK and @Bumblr: DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR A SECOND!
Women are a trusting lot. That trusting nature is constantly being taken advantage of. We need to protect ourselves.
If you suspect something, trust your gut. How many times have your heard “I knew something was wrong but didn’t want to say or do anything?”
Most women who fall into the jealous/paranoid/whackjob category have been the victim of men who’ve tried to convince the women that there was NOTHING going on and it was all their fault for being suspicious. You know. Tried to drive the girls crazy. We know the type.
Just find out the truth and move on. Men can’t help themselves. We women need to set boundaries for them. It’s the natural way.
Girls: PROTECT YOURSELVES.
LoveMN
wrote on October 25 2009 @ 07:20 pm: [report]
Whew! I now feel a little better about myself. Most of you believe snooping is exusable in some cases. My boyfriend went to the bar one night, it happened to be ladies night, with his roommate. They were there for quite awhile, getting pretty drunk. Me and his roommates girlfriend went to pick them up at bar close and my bf was acting all weird when he was around me. His roommate had also told me later that my guy had left the bar for a little over an hour, without even telling anybody, he just disappeard. In the car he mentioned to me that he left the bar to go to the gas station. (Um, I didn’t even ask, and the gas station for an HOUR?!) He also showered when he got home. Okay, red flags. He went to bed later and I decided to look through his phone (first and only time by the way) things were just TOO weird. And sure enough, naughty texts from some chick about where she was going to pick him up and where they were going to “get it on….VOMIT.
Long story short, no need to explain the ending, I felt it was DEFINITELY okay to look through his phone that night. Hey, I obviously found something. He wasn’t even mad that I looked through his phone becuase HE was in the wrong. Ah, I love being right.
lilliest
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 07:37 am: [report]
This is an interesting article because it’s fascinating to hear these dudes’ excuses for their behavior. And how you bought it. Occam’s razor …
@Sam: she urges him to deceive you, stay the weekend, go out? Come on, that isn’t just about bills. Maybe, you were right. And, maybe it already happened and you didn’t know it b/c you thought he was at a friend’s house.
@LovetoSpooge: You must be doing SOMETHING to make girls distrust you. When it’s a pattern and you’re the only common denominator … it’s you, not them.
I remember when my dad cheated on my mom, he had all sorts of explanations for how her underwear got into family laundry, where he was at xyz time, why he was seen driving a young 20s girl in his car in town, etc. His bs was feasible only because her denial made it so.
You should be honest with him when you don’t trust him; it keeps him on his toes. Snooping is prebreakup behavior. If you’re going to snoop, take responsibility for the paranoia, confront him and get ready to end it even if you don’t find anything. It may just mean that you didn’t find anything, not that nothing is going on. If something is wierd enough to get to you, it’s probably worth at least a talk, and if that talk doesn’t go well, you’ve got your answer.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199305/the-anatomy-intuition
Tart and Soul
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 07:42 am: [report]
A friend of mine found a letter her boyfriend had written to an ex about how unhappy he was. Fortunately, it was only a phase, cold feet, so to speak, and it passed. She never said anything, so the relationship got back on track.
People need privacy to deal with emotions and doubts about their partners and relationships - totally normal and not necessarily threatening.
Anyway, if your partner’s cheating, you’ll find out in time. It may be easier to deal with when he/she comes to you with a confession, or when evidence emerges that’s indisputable.
If you snoop, you’ll always find something. And whatever you find, you probably won’t be prepared to handle. Some situations are better left alone.
istherejustice
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 11:58 am: [report]
I was really glad I read this article, and the blog posts. I suspected, snooped, confronted, and even though I wasn’t the one who cheated, I ended up being the one feeling guilty. We’re still together, but I still can’t trust him. We’re roomates, and even though it’s been really hurtful, I’m not sure I can leave. It’s been a hard situation, but obviously I’m not the only one who’s been through it.
ootie grl
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 04:04 pm: [report]
I agree with you guys. I have snooped too. I also felt some thing was wrong. My boyfriend was acting strangely towards me. He was also constantly txting some one. He wouldnt say who. So yes, i snooped through his phone and found out he had been txting and secretly hooking up with his ex behind my back. So he became my ex.
glitterbug
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]
Follow your gut instinct. I don’t snoop unless I feel like I have a reason to…I don’t just read a boyfriend’s emails/texts randomly (I did that once, and THAT’S when I landed myself in trouble, haha). But my most recent ex was trying to sneak out of our lease without telling me, and snooping is how I caught his ass (then put him in jail…twice.)
sparklestar
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 05:26 am: [report]
I’ve snooped to protect myself. I found out that my ex-boyfriend was dating two other girls at the same time as me and exposed the relationship to them. I was LIVING with him for goodness sake!
Then I snooped when I suspected he had been discussing this girl at university… he had… and he was in love with her. I know not to stick around where I’m not wanted anymore!!
In this age of constant technology it’s different. You never know what is going to happen from one minute to the next.
With my current boyfriend I snoop a little but mostly to pick up on things he’s forgotten about… like when we’re going to his parents or the next time he’s volunteering. He forgets and I just present it like “hey, aren’t you doing something this weekend?”
I don’t do it all the time and do trust him. I don’t suspect him of anything and so it’s not an obsessive need like it was with my ex.
Anyway, he could go through my stuff. I don’t exactly have hard security on everything and it’s there if he wants to see it just by opening my laptop. He’s admitted he’s looked once and found some okcupid.com links. I explained they were links a friend had sent me over MSN to check out for him from a girl’s perspective (they were) but since they were of girls and I’m bi it made him a little edgy. :p
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 09:28 am: [report]
i subscribe to the theory that if she does it with another girl, it isnt cheating. my gf hasnt taken me up on the offer though. :(
phedex
wrote on November 18 2009 @ 09:04 am: [report]
Snooping is NOT defensible. I can’t believe all the people who justify it here. What ever happened to trusting someone unless proven otherwise?
God, I get a GF again and the first thing i’m doing is locking down my PC, before she stumbles upon an email from 2004 and starts screaming at me.