Dating Don’ts: How To Translate Eight Dating One-Liners
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
8:00AM, Thursday May 14th 2009
I recently read Jeff Mac’s very funny book, Manslations (Sourcebooks), which is basically a phrase book for ladies to help us decipher the Language of Lads. It’s certainly a time-saver for those of us used to spending hours IM’ing our friends, dissecting last night’s date’s behavior.
But the fact is, men aren’t the only ones who say one thing and mean another . . . some miscommunications transcend gender lines. Here are eight…
1. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. The thought of kissing you fills me with a mix of nausea, terror, revulsion and fear. Please don’t try again. No, really.
2. I love you, but I’m not in love with you. Straight, gay, man, woman, it doesn’t matter: this is universal code for “I am cheating on you.” (Though this phrase can be found on page 12 of the Cheater’s Handbook, I have yet to figure out how it came to be an acceptable explanation for infidelity, but they all use it so there must be something to it.)
3. I’m friends with all my exes. I need the ego boost that can only come from surrounding myself with people I’ve seen naked. You will see this as a positive marker of my maturity at first, but when the only friends I introduce you to are people I used to have sex with, it will quickly start to grate on your nerves.
4. I hate all my exes. The court-mandated anger management course I was forced to take didn’t work and I will probably scare the hell out of you at some point.
5. All of my exes were psychos. You will nod sympathetically the first five times I tell you this, but you’ll soon discover that I have a knack for driving people crazy.
6. Are you really going to wear that? What some might wrongly label passive-aggressive, I call being tactful. You can look forward to raised eyebrows, indecipherable muttered judgments, and gasps of disbelief, shock or horror, but on the upside, I will never ever insult you to your face.
7. I’m so nice; I’m almost too nice. I will never slap you, cheat on you, or steal money out of your wallet, and I will take great pleasure in reminding you of this whenever you get uppity. Not only that, I believe that abstaining from bad behavior is most definitely deserving of your eternal gratitude. I won’t let you forget that either!
(Well, either that or I’m a doormat.)
8. My mom and I are besties! If you’re the uptight type, holiday dinners with my family might be a little uncomfortable because I tell her everything about our sex life. What?! I can’t believe you’re annoyed! She gives great advice! Hello?! The woman had five kids! Oh, about that mole on your left butt cheek? I showed her the photo and she also thinks you should have a doctor check it out.
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Fizzy
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 08:22 am: [report]
My ex so completely falls under number 8 it’s not even funny. She knew all about our sex life. Ugh.
retro chic
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 08:37 am: [report]
Haha, Judy! Yeah, well, when are they going to turn these “Man Talk” or “He’s Just Not That Into You” type books into interactive, real-time BS sensor/translation/GPS-type technology for dating that will also feed you the snappy one-liner retorts or “run while you can!” warnings? That would be nifty, too.
Also, “Hey, we should get together soon… keep in touch!” = “Call me if you want to, but I can’t call you since I’m trying sneak around my (undisclosed) girlfriend and want to keep my options open.”
retro chic
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 08:44 am: [report]
PS: Red flag! I always ran in the other direction when I heard…
4. “I hate all my exes.”
and variations on
5. “All of my exes were psychos” (bitches, princesses, etc)
pornqueen
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 08:55 am: [report]
I find that we (women) have to use this lines with them(guys or whatever rocks ur boat) for the same reason they use it on us. I personally have used #1, 2 & 3. Although, #3 on my defense is actually true. All my exes are still my friends, much to their spouse’s un-approval. Now when a guy speaks nasty stuff about a past relationship, I run the other way. I just can’t take a whining man. Now how does one go about asking for some booty, without the guy thinking you’re a skank? I just want sex, nno-strings-attached, no commitments. I’ve been upfront about but guys are just scared. Now I need a phrase that will get me my booty but keep me “skank-less”. Anyone?
becktasm
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 09:28 am: [report]
Ahaha my current boy and I are both serial abusers of #8. His mom’s seen all the lingerie I have, my mom’s seen the bite marks on my thighs. I swear, when they meet, it’ll be bizarre.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]
#9. No.
Maybe?
J/k.
Perceptible
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]
Oh god, where was this list when I was getting married?! My ex husband was so totally guilty of both #6 and #7 and still feels totally justified in doing so. He still tells me he’s too nice. NOT!
bethylane
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 01:26 pm: [report]
DEFINITELY keep far, far away from the ex-haters.
What do you think about this one though: The guy I’ve been seeing for ~2 months got out of a 7-year relationship last summer. It’s been long enough for me to figure I’m not just a rebounder, and we get along…
But sometimes his ex comes up in conversation w/ his guy friends, and he jumps at the opportunity to talk trash on her, like “She’d be pissed if the wind blew in the wrong direction.”
But he has never brought her up with me.
Any thoughts? I’d appreciate it!
toph
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 02:12 pm: [report]
I would have to take some issue with #4. I am still good friends with quite a few of my ex’s. I don’t hang out with them a lot, just the occasional catch-up dinner or drinks for the most part. It’s nice to keep in contact with people who were an important part of your life for a given period. I will grant if you hang around with them a lot, as described above, then that is kind of odd, but I don’t see a problem with remaining friends.
HitOrMissJudy
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 02:23 pm: [report]
Hey Bethylane, I wouldn’t worry about that. His friends knew her and them as a couple because they were together for so long, so she comes up in conversation sometimes. Sounds like man-tawk to me. I wouldn’t sweat it.
bethylane
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 02:29 pm: [report]
Woohoo! Thanks Judy.
(although I feel like Carrie in Sex&TheCity;when she’s with Aidan. What IS wrong with this guy?? “My stress-free relationship is freaking me out!”)
theattack
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 02:57 pm: [report]
I don’t see what’s wrong with #2, I love you, but I’m not in love with you.
I see a huge difference between loving someone and being in love, and it’s good for a couple to be open with exactly how they feel. I don’t even understand how this can mean cheating. I would definitely say this to someone, meaning exactly what I said.
This whole relationship translation stuff is total bs anyway, for most people. I know that I say exactly what I mean and nothing else, and I tend to date people that are also so honest it can be awkward. Why can’t everyone just say what they mean and mean what they say?
mikeyellenlee
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 07:20 pm: [report]
My ex used to call his momma every effin time we got in a fight…and then be like, “Well my mom said…”
Seriously, wtf?
kristy1584
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 11:23 am: [report]
I dont think people should stay friends with their exes. Its called a break up for a reason. Its just weird. That and when you go to date a new person and theyre constantly talking to/texting/talking about their exes its uncomfortable. Dont get me wrong I dont want them to be someone who hates all their exes but leaving them in the past is a necessity in my book.
joseph reed
wrote on June 27 2009 @ 03:51 am: [report]
thanks for #3. I could tell my ex was getting a little thrill on a few occasions when her previous boyfriend was in our presence. And since we broke up, she has invited me more than once to meet her new boyfriend, but that is the last thing I would ever want to do.
coeurnoir
wrote on June 28 2009 @ 08:37 am: [report]
My apologies for the lateness of my reply. I found this site from an external link. I have to admit I love the fact that men and women communicate differently. A bit of my bona fides. I have been married 4 times and currently married to two women. I am a proud sexist. There are differences between men and women but those differences do not imply gender superiority. Women are superior to men in some things and men are superior to women in other things. Were you to hold a gun to my head I would have to admit women are superior to men in more things then men are superior to women. With that out of the way I simply must take issue with what is being passed off as lines used by men. I know the book was written with tongue planted firmly in cheek and in a same vein I will now eviscerate all but #4 and #5. Those are actual lines men use. Men are simple creatures and we don’t know when to shut up, and you can tell from the length of this post. On to the list. #1 No real man would ever say this. Real men can never be friends with a woman. The male/female relationship is all about the (insert whatever word you are comfortable with using here). Sorry to say but that’s true. #2 No real man would ever say this. Ever. Seriously ladies, sissy boys may talk like this but you really don’t want a sissy boy when you get right down to it. #3 is a complete lie. Remember? Married 4 times? two ex wives? No guy I know is ever friends with his ex. #6 Oh paahlease! Real men will not notice what you are wearing unless it’s whipped cream and then, for some men, it’s a coin flip. #7 is equally ridicules. This is sissy boy land again. Coming to #8. Ladies if a man ever uses the words “My mom and I are besties” RUN!!!!! Ya got yerself a sissy boy there. You might think having a girl with a penis is the best of both worlds but I think you would be better off going full lesbian and buying the attachments. Anyway have a good day ladies. When dealing with men please remember two things. #1 Men are simple creatures. When we say we aren’t thinking about anything it’s not a lie. Nothing is going on upstairs. #2 It is always the man’s fault. I cannot stress this one enough. No matter what it is it is always the man’s fault. If he doesn’t understand that refer to rule #1.
BlueVibe
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 09:27 am: [report]
The “all my exes are psychos” one is a big red flag. Either he only attracts nutcases (because he’s seriously flawed himself) or he’s refusing to take any responsibility for past failed relationships.
Yes, everyone dates a wacko at some point, but somebody who dates one wacko after another needs to recognize the common denominator.