Dating Don’ts: How To Deal With The Ambiguous Dater
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
8:00AM, Thursday April 23rd 2009
Every woman I know has been in this situation at one time or another, wondering whether the guy she’s wasting—I mean, spending most of her time with is interested in her as a girlfriend or just a buddy.
In my case, his name was Daniel. He’d flirt, drive me around in his cool vintage car, and generally make me feel like the coolest, prettiest, most fun girl in the world. We hung out 24/7. He was like my boyfriend, except he never made a move. Ever.
Ambiguous boys don’t want to go on dates—they want to “hang out.” They don’t want to be labeled your boyfriend—or even the guy you’re seeing—but they want all the “perks” that are generally part of such an arrangement.
I’ve never been one to play it cool, so my ginormous crush stank up every room we entered. I was too shy to actually articulate my feelings, but I eventually figured out that while he genuinely liked me, mostly he was using me for ego gratification while he pursued other women he actually wanted to get physical with. Things came to a head one night when I ran into Daniel while I was out at a bar with a spectacularly handsome, much younger French dude.
Predictably, seeing me out with someone much prettier than either he or I ignited a fire under Daniel’s non-committal butt. He grabbed me on my way to the bathroom and cornered me like he was going to kiss me. A week prior, I would’ve been in heaven. But this night, I was with someone who was not only into me, he was unapologetic about saying so. I shoved Daniel away, hissing that he’d had his chance and the only reason he wanted me now was because I was no longer available for ego-feedings. He gulped and looked ashamed. That was the last time I put up with an ambiguous boy.
But their numbers are legion. Ambiguous boys don’t want to go on dates. They want to “hang out.” They don’t want to be labeled your boyfriend—or even the guy you’re seeing—but they want all the “perks” that are generally part of such an arrangement. I’m not talking about friends with benefits here; that’s a whole other animal. What I’m talking about is the frustrating purgatorial gap between friend and boyfriend.
“We call it hanging out so as to avoid date rejection,” said one twentysomething record producer I interviewed. Jeff, a 28-year-old bartender I spoke with had another take. Claiming he hasn’t had a “date” since his high school prom (although he’s had plenty of girlfriends), Jeff’s theory is that “ladies love to talk and communicate things and guys by nature do not want commitment. So the longer you ignore labeling it, the longer you are in the clear to see other girls without the guilt or remorse of feeling like a dirtbag.”
My friend Jess, a sexy young librarian-in-training has no patience for this kind of gray-dating. She says, “I usually just force their intentions out of them,” but she warns that only works on guys who like aggressive ladies. “I have actually said, ‘Is this a date?’ And then when he inevitably pauses, I add, ‘and by the way, whether or not we hook up later may hinge on your reply.’”
But perhaps the best advice came from yoga teacher Lily, who believes an ambiguous dating situation is best handled using reverse psychology. Though she hasn’t yet had the opportunity to road-test her theory, she advises, “Anytime your non-boyfriend asks you for a favor—like to put his phone in your purse, or get him his beer while he goes to the little boy’s room—scream: ‘I’m not your freaking girlfriend! Do it yourself!’”
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Arty
wrote on April 23 2009 @ 08:18 am: [report]
I hate it when men do this! I love both Jess and Lily’s suggestion. I want someone to try Lily’s and see how it works. (Although maybe not the screaming bit. That’s a bit too drama queen for my tastes.)
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 23 2009 @ 08:19 am: [report]
I would prefer ambiguous, not because I’d prefer to see other people, but because there is less pressure involved. If it ever got serious, I’d wish to be told, not that I am a push-over, but I am anxious and twitchy, frankly scared. This also carries over to stupid gender roles, I’d prefer to get asked out.
shan1221
wrote on April 23 2009 @ 09:14 am: [report]
I’ve done Lily’s suggestion, lo and behold a week later guess who had a boyfriend haha granted we’re done now…but it worked then! ha
VsegdaOdna
wrote on April 23 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]
Still going through something similar right now. Been friends with a dude for 2 1/2 years. I gave up on anything happening between us within a few months of developing a crush on him. Refered to him as my non-boyfriend because although he did all of the above (drove me around, dinner etc), nothing ever became physical along the lines of a real relationship. I returned from my deployment 6 months ago, and now he’s trying to be with me…but without acting any differently except getting silently upset if I talk about someone Im interested in. Men, dont wait too long or else you’ll lose out!
Kati-Anne
wrote on April 23 2009 @ 11:01 am: [report]
Ugh, these guys make me crazy! I’ve had one break my heart and I’ve seen my friends lose their minds over them. The best is when they start real life dating a girl and expect their not-girlfriend not only to be super happy for them, but keep stringing them along by telling the girl everything that’s wrong with the relationship. Booooo. I don’t put up with non-committal crap anymore. Well, at least recently…
Kiki T
wrote on April 23 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]
Instead of obsessing about their ambiguity, think of them as dumb or an eunuch. If they don’t see the value to treat you in a certain way, when you want them to and you put it out there as such, then immediately file them under a different category. How a relationship starts is typically the theme of how the whole thing plays out. He wants you to chase him, then you will have to then be the drill sergeant always. If you like that, cool—if not, next!
theattack
wrote on April 23 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]
Kiki T, I love your response.
I really like Jess’s approach, but I think I would be very cautious using Lily’s suggestion, because it sort of implies that if you become his girlfriend, you’ll be willing to wait around for his every beck and call. Maybe some girls like that, but that would drive me crazy.
gskillz
wrote on April 23 2009 @ 10:40 pm: [report]
BEEN THERE. It sucks. But now I know better, and won’t settle for crap.
joepennant
wrote on April 24 2009 @ 10:09 am: [report]
Wait, wait wait.
You didnt make yourself clear and are now blaming the guy for keeping things platonic? What? You were waiting for the Dos Equis man
If a man doesnt state his intent or make a move, its because he’s being “respectful” by not crossing the line from friendship to harassment or he’s responding to mixed signals.
Trust me, guys dont hang out if theyre not usually interested, platonic or no.
If you like the guy - say so. Be honest. Tell him. You would be surprised how far that gets you.
Yes, we are dumb in that way.
Naneenya
wrote on April 24 2009 @ 10:19 am: [report]
Of course, there’s the other extreme -
I’d rather have the ambiguous dater than the ‘Second-date, “wait, I’m not your boyfriend?” ::sob:: guy’...
LaGiulia
wrote on April 24 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]
I went through that SO many times! In retrospect, I think I should’ve made a move. That strategy has always paid off, because at least it moves you out of the platonic zone. After that, you may see each other again or not. Most guys are not that Machiavellian, anyway: they don’t make a move because they’re too shy to make a move. Just go for it, girls, I mean it.
bbpickles
wrote on April 25 2009 @ 03:56 pm: [report]
Good advise LaGiulia. It’s so hard to put yourself out there, risking rejection, but it’s better than torturing yourself forever!
MrNix
wrote on April 25 2009 @ 08:11 pm: [report]
After jumping through the hoops from CNN to here, I’m not quite sure that I remember what I had originally planned to say (or, at least, it doesn’t sound as good now).
I soooo have the ability to be like your (ex)-friend, but… I’m not dumb enough to suddenly switch directions when someone else comes into the picture. I stay to myself and sulk. JK.
I’m far to weak to hold back and not admit how I feel. Eventually it comes out. That puts me on the other side. The guy that admits how he feels and then regrets it.
“Things were going great! We’re having a great time! She is just perfect! I love her! I’m so attracted to her. I tell her I love her, and suddenly, she freaks out and doesn’t want to see me anymore because she knows that every time I’m around her that I feel “that way” about her and she thinks it’s creepy.”
“If only I kept my mouth shut, I could have spent more time with her and she wouldn’t think I was a total creep!”
“She completely weirded out and won’t even answer my calls anymore. I’m such an idiot!”
See what I mean?
But, you’re right.
He should’ve made an idiot of himself like I do and exposed himself to the subtle laborious sting of rejection. The subtly painful laborious uncomprehendable sting that makes you realize that no women will ever love you and the only woman that you found perfect has gone off and adhered herself to a worthless self centered and tattooed moron that thinks of no one but himself and thinks that the tribal tattoo that covers his upper torso is “totally rad” and that women will be intellectually stimulated by it. Stimulated to the point that they will bow to him like a god. And the bitchiot will!
Sorry.
What I really meant is…
Good luck!
Keith
Sweet Andrea
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 10:29 am: [report]
Been there before and I decided to make a move… guess what? The guy told me I was like “her sister” and that´s why he liked to hang out with me so much.
I still have my doubts…
mavsqueen2010
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 09:46 pm: [report]
Sound super familiar. I’m all for friends with benefits if both people are on the same page, but having a sorta boyfriend but not really is bull. And guys think we don’t notice. Oh spare me your speech about “not being sure what you’re looking for right now”. I’m pretty sure it’s not me if you have to say that. Oh well, another one bites the dust
Davidseattle
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 11:23 pm: [report]
Hey if the guy doesn’t make a move he just wants to be your friend, or he’s very shy.
Frederica Bimble
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]
Mr Nix: Why the bitterness? YOU set up the situation. YOU created the relationship. If she fancied you in the first place, you would have known it but you were most likely holding onto the “hope” that she would “change” her mind. The reason why she’s going for what you describe as a “tattooed moron” is because he – and I would read this twice if I were you – DOESN’T “NEED” HER. Even if that guy has his flaws, and that is relative and in the eyes of the beholder, mind, he is the man SHE finds attractive. You are not the man she finds attractive beyond being her friend.
So, what does this say to you - or anyone in the situation. It is time for you to work on yourself. Blaming this guy; being jealous – which is ugly and people see that quickly; making sarcastic comments about him and generally just feeling sorry for yourself WON’T get you the relationship you obviously want.
YOU are the only person in your head. This woman likes this man because he is easy to be around. You, from what you are saying, put pressure on her (maybe, even others as well) to “be” a certain way when relationships require us to allow others to be who they are and for them to allow us to be who we are.
Laugh more. Focus on YOUR qualities. Stop trying to convince the world that you’re the “nice” guy who always loses out to the self-centred morons. It is pathetic and self-pitying AND it is a myth. No such thing as “nice” guys – there are confident ones and there are ones that aren’t confident with a multitude of grey areas between and some neuroses thrown into the mix here and there as well.
Women do not find men who feel sorry for themselves attractive. This man isn’t a moron, he most likely has a healthy sense of awareness (or maybe not but HE is not your focus).
No need to reply with any sort of “argument” because what I’ve written is “correct.” If you’d like to ask me for more tips are techniques to help you clear your head and stop the blaming and the bitterness, then let me know. You were fine when you came into this world and you’re fine now but you don’t realise it because you’ve lost your way by having your head – like just about every one of us – filled with the beliefs, ideals and experiences of others. When you learn to like yourself more, you won’t notice “tattooed morons” anymore.
MrNix
wrote on September 6 2009 @ 10:29 pm: [report]
Hi Fred,
Actually, there’s really not any bitterness. Just a commentary on current relationships. I’m definitely not hoping that some X will change her mind. I have no regrets about ending past relationships. My sarcastic comments are about general people that cover themselves in ink and somehow think that it makes them “deep” but it only leaves them marked as shallow.
I only lose self centered people on purpose. Self centered people seek people that will worship them.
My life is great because I shed my self centered X and went on to raise our daughter without her.
Oh, and by the way, my X wasn’t who I was speaking about before. Her current husband doesn’t have any tattoos that I know of.
My life is great. I occasionally comment on-line about situations I find ridiculous.
What you wrote was not “correct” so maybe you need to examine your own life instead of imagining that you know all about someone else. You don’t.
I think that I’m fine the way I am. My daughter loves the way I am. My life is great.
I don’t find any pleasure in trying to tell others that they have deep seeded problems. I do understand that others need to justify their lives by assuming that others are confused or disillusioned and that they are the all knowing. I’m not the “all knowing” and neither are you.
Are you trying to justify something that you’ve done to someone else? Do you have tattoos that you’re trying to convince yourself weren’t just stupid to get?
Ask yourself if your struggle to present yourself as superior isn’t just insecurity welling up.
I’m pretty sure that it is.