Dating Don’ts: How To Deal With Coworker Romance-Gone-Wrong Drama
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Thursday November 5th 2009
I guess I’ve been lucky in my romantic dealings with coworkers; one turned into a long-term relationship that outlasted the job and the other two were just pleasant dalliances that fizzled out naturally. Which is probably why I’ve always rolled my eyes when I hear so-called experts yammer on about how you should avoid dating people you work with at all costs. I mean, sure, stay away from the boss or anyone who reports to you, but if you’re both on equal footing, who cares?
Michelle Goodman, author of My So-Called Freelance Life (Seal Press), specializes in reporting on the work beat and agrees that ruling out a perfectly fine catch just because he resides in the same cube farm is kind of silly. “The office is the best dating pool around!” she tells me via e-chat. “Where else can you go and quickly suss out who’s married with kids (that photo on the desk is a telltale sign) or single and fancy-free (their pre-meeting chitchat about their New Orleans weekend with the guys is often a dead giveaway)?!”
Goodman also pointed me towards a recent CareerBuilder survey that reported 40 percent of the 8,000 people surveyed had dated at work. And 31 percent of those had gone on to marry their cubicle cutie! But what of the other 9 percent? Well, that’s where those warnings about pooping where you eat spring from.
Alana*, a 32-year-old DC-based publicist, found out just how ugly interoffice romance can get when she was dumped by the dashing divorced dad who conveniently sits at the desk directly across from hers. “Having to see him every day is really tough,” she tells me. “I also hear him talking to his new girlfriend on the phone and that’s really painful.” Not to mention cruel and unusual.
Whereas I would be planting tacks on his chair, sending myself fancy chocolates, and begging my hot guy friends to stop by and pretend to be madly in love with me, Alana is wisely taking the high road. “I decided to not let him see how hurt I am and to just hold my head up and smile every day. This strategy has a double benefit because it actually makes me feel better than if I was running off to the ladies’ room to cry all the time.”
An added bonus: “That I am back to being cheerful seems to really bother him, which I like,” she laughs. “I also put more care into my appearance, because it makes me feel better to have that little extra measure of self-confidence. He actually looks worse, which I definitely am noticing.” OK, definitely more satisfying than a tack in his ass.
Goodman agrees that a stiff upper lip is the way to go. “Avoid engaging in those ‘Can we talk?’ or ‘I need closure’ emails, IMs, calls, and cups of coffee while you’re at work,” she advises. “You’ll only wind up pissed off, depressed, or sobbing into your keyboard.”
But what if he’s persistent, as Alana’s ex has been—sending her emails about nothing and wanting to get together for coffee. “If your SO insists on talking at work, blow them off,” she says. If all else fails, Goodman says, “Try to come up with a convincing reason for your boss to move your workstation—it’s too loud, too far from people you collaborate with, etc. If that doesn’t work, invest in a set of earphones so you don’t have to hear the cad drone on all day, and put up curtains around your cubicle so you don’t have to look at his lying mug.”
Then again, you could always try that tack on his chair.
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fireflyeyes
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:21 am: [report]
Not to be a pain, but you have your numbers a little confused. It’s not 9% of office daters who don’t marry, it’s 69% don’t, 31% do. Because it’s OF the 40% who date in the office, 31% of THOSE marry (not 31% of the original sample)
On a more topical bent, my husband and I work together, but we actually dated long before either of us got job at our current organization.
EscapeHatch
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:26 am: [report]
Holy crap - where do you have to work where putting up curtains around your cube isn’t considered bizarre. Macy’s?
On that note, I’m turning my cubicle into a fort. Anyone got spare bedsheets? I can’t make it no boys allowed though - in my office I’m the solo female.
Rose
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:10 pm: [report]
@EscapeHatch - I’ve got some good sheets, and I’ll bring graham crackers as well! Gotta have provisions.
draymond
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:10 pm: [report]
One problem with the careerbuilder survey is that our verbiage on relationships is ambiguous. For example there is going on a date, which might mean he had an extra ticket to the show because his buddy bailed you went, had fun, had a drink and talked together, and ended with a peck on the cheek. Then there is ‘we’re dating’ which could mean a whole range of levels of intimacy. Either though gets you a ‘yes’ answer to have you ever dated a coworker.
I’m not summarily against dating co-workers (either meaning) but it should be presumed going in that it WILL cause awkward situations where you will have to really need to make an effort to put your personal problems aside and do your job. And that goes DOUBLE for the 31 percent that get married! (You didn’t think that just because you got married you were going to show up at the office each morning happy with each other?)
Now, depending on the size of the office you are working at if this goes on for more than a couple of weeks I would suggest asking a superior if it would be feasible to move cubicles. Most bosses, if it is feasible, will accomodate the request although it will most likely be the complainer that will have to move. The secret is to use the words ‘awkward work environment’. Because and ‘awkward’ work environment is one step from an ‘unfriendly’ work environment which is one step from a ‘hostile’ work environment which is one step from a major harrassment lawsuit.
BeckiLG
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
What, is the Frisky stalking my life and writing about it now?
The look-happy thing is so good in theory. Just can’t practice it yet.
TinaLish
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:16 pm: [report]
I myself am starting to see that if you do smile, no matter how bad you’re hurting inside, and this man in question sees you smiling, laughing, and seemingly happy, he will question why you’re not down and out. Sad and depressed.
I think if he truly ever cared, it will bother him tremendously. If he didn’t care, you’ll realize there’s no use in pining away for someone who didn’t see your worth in the first place.
It amazes me how when you’re newly heartbroken, and your every thought is of this individual and why it had to end, where it went wrong, it’s so hard to pretend to be okay at first. But it gets easier, as the days go by turning into weeks, then months. Time takes away the blindness that love makes us privy to, and the reality of it all starts to make sense.
In the end, it’s always better to keep your emotions under lock and key. Why should he know you still think of him? It’s hard though, not to be guilty of writing an email, a text or even calling them just to get that closure. I’ve been guilty of this. But somewhere along the line you have to be stronger. You owe it to yourself.
You have to save what’s left of your heart, so the person who deserves your love, gets all of it, and not a piece of it.
BeckiLG
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:44 pm: [report]
Nicely put, TinaLish. Reading that made me feel a lot better, and trust me nothing else has worked!
TinaLish
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 02:16 pm: [report]
@BeckiLG…
You’re welcome =)and I know the feeling, it’s very hard to put on a happy face when all you want to do is cry. But in the words of Lady Gaga, they can’t read your pokerface. So why not wear it?
I hope things get better for you.
VeronicaVaughn
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 03:50 pm: [report]
Oh my! I was in this exact spot not to long ago! But I quickly ended so things wouldnt become akward for me and my coworkers. It was for the best, that and we were able to get a friendship out of it too.
majicksand
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 05:30 pm: [report]
My husband and I own a company. We’re together all day, every day. If one of us is in a crappy mood, we just go to our respective desks and stay quiet. Thankfully, our disagreements don’t last long and usually aren’t “end of the world” type issues. The company would fall apart without either one of us.
retro chic
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 10:57 pm: [report]
The double-life of dating/LTRs with the co-worker, the boss, the boss’ boss, the boss’ son, the owner, CEO and President. It’s all the same. When it’s good it’s great, when it ends or you get caught – it sucks and requires a performance worthy of an Academy Award to get thru it.
bogart4017
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 02:30 pm: [report]
I know we defied the odds but i will repeat: What started as an office romance is now celebrating a 22 year marriage. And while we don’t work together anymore both of us would jump at the chance to repeat the experience.
Dave The Rave
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 04:25 am: [report]
This hits home on so many levels.
First fireflyeyes, it IS 9% - if 40% date and 31% end up marrying, that is 9%. Unless they means 31% OF the 40% who date. All about numbers.
Our office is such that if people are seen together fairly regularly they are considered an item. Me, there were several times it was “assumed” and I ended up going to a boss over this. We hauled the offenders in and warned them that they can lose their jobs for making crtain comments.
I have seen bosses and workers dating, etc, and none ended up in marriage. Co-workers, yes. Plus, a boss and sub cannot work together if they are MARRIED, but can still function if they are dating. Oh, well.
fireflyeyes
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 04:36 am: [report]
@Dave the Rave: That’s exactly what it said:
Also it seems very unlikely to me that over 3/4 of the people who date in the office end up married (which would be the case if the 31% was from the original number and not the subsample.
og217
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 07:18 am: [report]
I think the questions were “did you ever date a coworker?” and then “did you meet your partner at work?” not “have you only dated one coworker your whole life and that one relationship ended up in marriage?” because for THOSE odds to be so high is impossible.
kauffner
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 10:51 pm: [report]
A tack in the ass? That doesn’t sound like the real world. Surely the woman will complain to the boss of sexual harassment or stalking. He will then calculate which of the two is more valuable to the company and which one can be more easily replaced.
bartlesrock
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 08:55 am: [report]
Against all prevailing wisdom and advice of friends, I dated someone from work. Just couldn’t resist or ignore the advances from the hottest woman in my office. She wasn’t my boss (just her sister), was single (sort of, she was married but had been separated for several years), and she didn’t have any children (although I would argue that her 2 dogs should count).
Everything started out great, as these things often do, but it fizzled out quickly and somewhat painfully. We’ve chosen to take that high road, but the glances and “hey"s exchanged as we pass each other on this road can be downright awkward at times. And although it’s rightfully over, it seems we still want to be noticed and wanted by the other. A bit unhealthy (but understandable)?
OZgirl
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 04:40 am: [report]
I’ve been going through a horrible time after an on off thing witha co-worker. Try and do the brave face but seem to end up in the bathroom crying any time I bump into him. I would not reccomend it to anyone.
I just wish I could get over it already. But when you see them most days it takes twice as long. Its been 3 motnhs since we last hooked up and I hate seeing him walking around looking happy and unaffected while I feel like I’m barely coping.