Dating Don’ts: How To Avoid Becoming That Annoying Coupled-Up Person
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Thursday October 1st 2009
The two of you are inseparable. You’re every romantic comedy cliché come to life. He’s the cream in your coffee. The Jim to your Pam—not that you even remember who they are, because with all the lovemaking, you hardly have time to waste on sitcoms like “The Office.”
When you’re not busy rutting, you spend hours just staring at each other, marveling at your good fortune. Everything reminds you of him and you can’t stop talking about how fantastically happy you are. In fact, you’re so busy, you probably haven’t even noticed that, except for calls from your shmoopie, your phone has stopped ringing. (Unless it’s your mom calling to wonder if you’re finally going to squeeze out some grandchildren for her.)
But your friends? They seem to have disappeared. In the haze of your love drunkenness, you might believe this is because they’re jealous. But more likely it’s because you’ve become one of the “smug marrieds” from Bridget Jones’ Diary—a book I loathed, but she sure got that part right. And you’re not even married. Yet.
Sure, your couple friends might not have completely written you off—after all, now you’re not the “predatory” single broad at their dinner parties. But I’ll bet your single girlfriends are getting tired of listening to monologues about the intoxicating flecks of amber in your beloved’s eyes or that hilarious time he ... well, they wouldn’t understand because they’re single.
That’s when you’re not blowing them off altogether in favor of still more couple time.
Lest you think I’m a complete crank, I get that it’s heady stuff when a relationship kicks off. Especially if it’s been preceded by a long dry spell. And while I’m sure your buddies are happy for you, they also want to talk about something besides that cute, heart-shaped mole on your man’s behind and all the fantastic sex you’ve been having.
So in the interest of being a good friend, you might want to see if you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios:
Attack of the We-People
“We loved that movie!” “We hate Thai food!” “We want to learn to salsa dance!” If you find that “we” and “us” have replaced “I” and “me,” you are probably bugging the crap out of everyone within earshot. Obviously it’s good to have things in common with your partner, but you’re still allowed to have individual thoughts and opinions. We don’t really know your new boyfriend yet, so we don’t particularly care that he prefers Kosher to sea salt. (Plus, that’s boring information anyway.)
Cling-Ons
“The Real Housewives of New York”’s Simon and Alex are a shining example of the Cling-On couple. Alex thinks nothing of forcing Simon on her TV gal pals, even when it’s supposed to be ladies night. Here’s a hint: when we call to get together for drinks, unless we say so specifically, we’re only issuing a single invite. Besides, occasionally engaging in individual activities gives you something to talk about when your lips are too chapped to kiss.
Pity Party
I cannot even count how many times a formerly normal buddy has turned into a condescending know-it-all once she landed herself a man. One I used to hear constantly was: “Once you stop looking, love will find you.” Oh, thanks. Never mind that that’s completely wrong. If your eyes aren’t open, you’re going to keep bumping into jerks.
But the best was one now-former pal’s call to let me know that she and her new husband had been discussing my plight, and they couldn’t pinpoint exactly what was wrong with me that I couldn’t find myself a boyfriend.
I know—maybe it was my bad taste in friends!
Despite what you, in your oxytocin-induced stupor, might believe, being single is not an affliction. In fact, some of the most productive and fun times in my life have been when I was unencumbered by a man. So quit it with the unsolicited advice and pout-pulling. You have a boyfriend—not a Nobel Prize.
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Riley
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 09:11 am: [report]
Will you come talk to some of my friends??
xifeng882
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 09:19 am: [report]
Thank you! I used to be like this when I was in high school and only in college did I begin to notice how impossibly agitating it is to have to be in the same room as these kinds of people. I still have friend who act like this all the time. I need to show them this. Its awkward and humiliating.
I’m just glad my S/O and I aren’t desperate and clingy enough to be like this. I’d be terrified for my own sanity if that was the case.
Queen Frostine
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 09:23 am: [report]
I know a couple like this. They actually pet and stroke each other (non-sexually) when they’re out together. It’s vomit-inducing.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 09:24 am: [report]
Early on in the relationship, I was totally guilty of the “Attack of the We People”. As I’ve been married longer, I see less and less of my single friends. My strongest friendships are now with other married moms.
bethlynn00
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 09:40 am: [report]
You forgot the twins and the picture takers. I have friends who have fallen into both of these patterns. My old college roomie and her boyfriend had matching winter coats and accessories (gloves, hat, scarf) and had several spray painted shirts made, most stating their love for each other, it was gross and tacky. Then I had a friend that her and her man would go get pictures taken every three months, like Sears photos, every 3 months! And they would pass them out to everyone. It was so corny!
emaclean
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 09:43 am: [report]
I do believe it should be an “oxytocin-induced stupor”...unless they are the kinda couple that enjoys the occasional dabble with oxycontin..
H. Blue
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 09:46 am: [report]
One of my very best and most favorite friends has become one of these people. Only she just blows people off. You don’t get enough air time to get sick of her talking about schmoopie. It got worse after she married the guy. After several attempts to talk to her, I sort of gave up. She then had the audacity to post a note on my facebook telling me to call her, which I HAD been doing, but she never saw fit to call me back. I feel that when you’re in your 30s, you should have enough maturity not to pull crap like that, but I guess love does stupid things to people.
Skwisgiirl
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 09:48 am: [report]
While Oxycontin can indeed put one in a stupor, I think you meant oxytocin? :D
scb197
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 10:30 am: [report]
wow. i’m guessing you’re single judy??
Queen Frostine
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 10:43 am: [report]
@ bethlynn00,
OMG, I forgot the picture takers. Yes! Every other day on Facebook it’s a whole new album starring “The Happiest Couple Ever!” They pose, they smooch, they squeeze into photo booths every weekend just for your viewing pleasure. And let’s not forget the Happy Couple House which holds no less than 47 wedding photos, in color, b/w, sepia and digital photo frame!
eclipse
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 10:48 am: [report]
One of my friends who has now been married for about a year decided it was a good idea to share with me that her husband thinks there is something wrong with me because I’m single. I love the girl, but she doesn’t always think when she talks…
*sigh*
Typewriter
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 11:00 am: [report]
Meh. I didn’t have a lot of friends before anyways and my boyfriend is way more pleasant and fun to be around. I always felt like I just wasn’t on the same page as anyone else until I started seeing Patrick. I’m really fine with the way we are.
ooi0katzy0ioo
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
I find that it’s the opposite with me. I’ve been in a relationship with my husband for almost 7 years (married only for the last 2) and it’s my friends, in particular one, that has alienated herself. I’m very willing to call her up to hang out and do some one on one girl bonding time but she is always busy. It can’t be the “single” factor because she’s not single and actually has a long term boyfriend she lives with. I think it may be because we are now both in very different stages in our lives. I’m married, working… She’s still going to school (grad) and still in the BF stage. My other nomadic friend, whenever she’s around my area, has no problem hanging out and doing stuff and I’ve never felt I had to bring my husband along. He’s perfectly ok, as he should be, to go out by himself or for me to go by myself… I think it depends on the people!
sarahprotzman
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]
Normally I don’t like the angry female tone of a lot of what appears on this Web site, but this is well-written and a good cautionary tale. Sounds a little bitter, sure…but I sympathize because I also know what it’s like to be around people like this!
freepeople1986
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]
Sometimes, I think it’s the single friends that are the issue. Oh, hello jealousy!
I’m in a semi-LDR where I only get to see my bf every other weekend. Everytime I say, “I’m going to Chicago this weekend” its, “Oh, again?”
Once I got attacked too because we were all friends with my current boyfriend before he dated and referred to him by his last name. Now, since we’ve started dating, I call him by his first. It’s always “Who the hell is Dan?”
I was single for like, 22 years! Shut up!
I love my bf, yes,I spend time with him, there are things that “we” like together, yes if he is visiting my city I take him out with me, yes, we reserve 30 minutes at the end of each day to chat with each other. Yes, sometimes I text him if I have something funny to tell him. LET IT GO. If we were awkward and PDA-ing and non-conversational, I could understand, but I’m not. Even better, WE are not. Are you cringing yet?
I used to be a little snippy when I was single and my friends had boyfriends too. It’s called “I’m jealous.”
Even though some people, myself included, enjoyed our singledom, you’re still going to be slightly jealous, if not of the relationship than one of your buddies spending less time with you than. I’ll admit it. Everytime- no matter how infrequently- his name is brought up, you get a little bit bitchy.
breakthisvanity
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 12:17 pm: [report]
First of all, I, too, was about to comment on the oxytocin/oxycontin mixup.
But I agree with freepeople! I was basically single for 21 years while ALL of my friends were going to boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend. I admit I may have been a little jealous, but mostly annoyed because they constantly changed boyfriends, but were always professing their love about each of them.
It took me a while to find him, but I am currently in love with an amazing man who I really believe I will spend the rest of my life with. Yes, I spend much more time with him than I do with my friends, but I WANT to. At some point in your life, you have to prioritize things and spend your time accordingly. My grandparents aren’t concerned about their friends - they love each other and would obviously spend their time together.
I am not sure where I am going with this one.. Basically, if your couple friends are spending a lot of time together, let them! They are happy! Maybe you should find something to better fill your time…?
fallonthecity
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]
When I have a friend who acts like this, I just let them go. I’ll never understand the folks who get tunnel vision when they become a part of a serious relationship. One of my very best friends from high school disappeared off the face of the earth when she started dating her now-husband. I didn’t hear from her for about two years… and then she called and wanted me to be the maid of honor in her wedding. Thanks, but no thanks—if you can’t find the time to return my phone calls, I can’t find the time (or cash) to buy dresses, throw you parties, and suffer through the wedding-planning hysteria.
I am so grateful for the friends I have who can balance their relationships and marriages with friendships, and don’t make me feel defective for focusing on my education instead of dating.
bogart4017
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 01:39 pm: [report]
Hey look—i’m just glad to see a couple getting along. Every one of my married friends is so miserable it makes the roof of my tongue itch.
Terpgirl31
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 04:39 pm: [report]
I completely understand the point this article is making, but as someone with a boyfriend I would like to defend us non-single people. I’m a sophomore in college and its very hard going out with my single friends, because one of the main goals is to go out and find boys! I know I could easily just go along for the ride and watch as my friends pair off with hot frat boys at the bar, but where’s the fun in that? And why would I want to waste my time primping and dressing up for other men; it makes both my boyfriend and me uncomfortable. I make a very conscious effort to not fall into any of the scenarios listed, but I think that I’m still met with a skeptical state of mind when talking to my single friends, and am not included in conversations about dating. Just because I have a good relationship NOW doesn’t mean that I don’t remember being single or going on bad dates or whatever!
majicksand
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 05:32 pm: [report]
I am quite nauseatingly, happily married. My husband and I are together just about 24/7. Work together, live together, socialize, the whole bit. Occasionally one of us goes off without the other, but not often. We are best friends. We hang out with the same people.
Honestly, we don’t have much time to socialize between work and the kids, so we like to spend downtime together. There’s usually a pack of us, so it doesn’t matter who is single or coupled up. We’re all together.
I should mention that my husband and I are not attached at the hip while we’re out. We may be on opposite sides of a room most of the night. We mingle with each other just like we do with everyone else. I don’t think I’d want to be friends with anyone who had a problem with that.
onewriter
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 08:25 pm: [report]
@queen frostine Unless they can’t keep their hands to themselves, I see nothing wrong with touching in public
greenraintiger
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 11:20 pm: [report]
The funniest (and possibly most annoying) use of “we” is when someone says “We’re pregnant”....
Um, noooo, “you” are pregnant if it’s a woman, or “your wife” (or whoever) is pregnant if it’s a man. How can 2 people be pregnant if one of them doesn’t even have a uterus!?!??!?!?!?!
stormygirl
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 03:14 am: [report]
Years ago I used to have a friend like that. Her and her boyfriend had done ALL of those things,(vomit) and she did act like she had just been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. I sure could have used your post back then. Thank God I have normal friends that don’t act like that.(Whew!)
majicksand
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 07:31 am: [report]
@onewriter: I agree. My husband and I touch all the time. It’s casual and non-sexual but intimate enough that it would be inappropriate and uncomfortable coming from anyone else. Not enough to interrupt conversation, just enough to make me smile.
@greenraintiger: In a healthy partnership, it really is a “we”. Men may not actually carry the child, but the good ones do alter their lives during that time. They have to learn to compensate for mood swings, cravings, the mom-to-be’s inability to continue handling certain tasks for which she was previously responsible, etc. Although the primary responsibility falls to the woman, a good man is definitely involved.
LilMissSunshine
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
I love the article. I am totally saving this for whenever I start dating someone again. I don’t want to be attached at the hip or lose spending time with my amazing friends. Though it does seem to happen pretty naturally with guy friends that when one of us is attached we don’t hang out one on one anymore. It’s more out of respect for their partners, I think. We either invite the partner along or go out with a group of friends.
Having been single for a while I hate when my girlfriends just disappear when they have a boyfriend. I understand that you’ll have less time to hang out because of the new person in your life. Also the first few months you’re going to be all lovey-dovey, crazy infatuated so just stay in your love-cocoon, please. But remember about the rest of your life after those first few months. Because it might not work out. And I’m the friend who will be bringing over the Ben & Jerry’s and watching horrible lifetime movies with you.
You also forgot to mention the couples who names become one and the same, JackandJane. I was in a relationship like that. It’s been 2 years since we split and people still ask me about him. It drives me crazy. We don’t even live in the same country anymore! I never want to repeat that pattern again.
Millie
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:48 pm: [report]
Love this.
BlueVibe
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 10:31 am: [report]
I don’t get the idea that “you wouldn’t understand because you’re single.” I haven’t *always* been single, right? Why would my coupled friends assume that my knowledge of couple-ness was erased when I broke up with the last boyfriend?
It’s all about moderation, anyway. Both extremes are annoying: Singles who either can’t quit whining about it or stridently put down non-singles, and couples who experience full brain- and personality-meld and cease to exist as distinct, independently-interesting, individuals.
TantraforBobos
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 02:43 pm: [report]
Yeah, the only thing that is worse is having your lover refer to the former “we” when discussing old household business. Though we’ve been dating three months, the g/f is using the ‘we’ for her Xpartner.
I don’t have a jealous bone in my body; don’t do couplesprachen myself, but do find these allusions, ummm, curious.
Leu