Dating Don’ts: How NOT To Settle
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
8:00AM, Thursday June 18th 2009
When I questioned a friend about why she was marrying a guy whom she found only mildly attractive, didn’t enjoy having sex with and wasn’t in love with, she told me this: “Marriage isn’t about love, it’s about finding the person who gets on your nerves the least.”
I recall being both horrified and saddened by her cynicism. But as I pondered it further, I wondered if she might have a point. I was single at the time. A long-term relationship had gone bust a few years earlier and after a hyper-extended mourning period I’d been dating a seemingly non-stop parade of utterly unsuitable suitors.
Among many others, there was the semi-psychotic Eastern-European sculptor, the much-younger scientist-type, the guy who still lived with his girlfriend, and the non-committal bike messenger with substance-abuse issues.
So when I met a seemingly normal finance guy who took me out for expensive dinners and drove me around in his BMW, I talked myself into giving it a go. He wasn’t super hot, but then again, neither was I. So what if his favorite book was The Fountainhead; I needed to quit being such a book snob. Who cares if he brought up pre-nuptial agreements on our second date—at least the word marriage was part of his vocabulary.
But as I lay awake after we’d clumsily consummated our budding relationship, I couldn’t stifle the all-consuming feeling of dread that washed over me. What had I done? Was I really that lonely? Or worse, desperate?
Last year The Atlantic ran an essay by writer Lori Gottlieb, wherein she claimed, “every woman I know—no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure—feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried.” Her advice to women still holding out for a great guy: settle for an okay dude.
Thirty-three-year-old Alicia*, a NYC-based floral designer, had been with her boyfriend Fred* for four fairly miserable years when she met someone else. “He was tall, hot, British and made me realize I wasn’t dead inside.” Though nothing ever happened with the Brit, meeting him made her something was missing in her relationship.
“He hates change so I knew he would never leave me,” she told me. “But meeting the other guy made me realize that I wanted to be able to talk to my significant other. I wanted to be with someone who at least acts like he’s interested in my life and thinks I’m smart and cool.”
Thus enlightened, Alicia promptly dumped Fred. However not everyone thinks she did the right thing. “I went to my gynecologist and she asked if Fred was still in the picture. When I told her no, she scolded me saying, ‘No man is ever going to meet all your needs—can you tolerate him?’”
A year later, Alicia remains single and dating, and despite what Gottlieb claimed in her piece, absolutely does not appear to be either “in denial” or “lying” when she says she’s never been happier.
As I slid out of my great-on-paper guy’s bed and tiptoed out the door (shady, I know!), my dread was replaced by relief. Back in my apartment with only my cat for company, I realized that I’d become rather accustomed to being alone and while I wasn’t ecstatic 24/7, I was actually pretty happy. I loved my friends and family (and my kitty!) and I knew I’d be okay if my life stayed the way it was.
Of course then six months later I screwed it all up by meeting a great guy who I love to pieces. Oh, and my friend who married the guy who didn’t get on her nerves—she’s now divorced.
Settle? I don’t think so.
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Kiki T
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 08:11 am: [report]
Yeaaaah for happy endings!
thierry3
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 08:19 am: [report]
Woohoo! Good for you! My mother is constantly telling me marriage isn’t about love. It’s a scary thought being bound to someone for the rest of your life that you are merely tolerating. People make it seem as though being miserably married is better than being single.
I enjoy being single, because I am enjoying life at the end of the day isn’t that what’s most important?
joyy
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 08:29 am: [report]
Good for you indeed. My mom, an aunt-like relative and I were hanging out at a family bbq one time when I was a young teenager (14-15ish?), and the following left my aunt-like relative’s mouth (paraphrased):
“If a man can provide you with a good life and doesn’t hit you, he’s a catch.”
My stomach instantly sank to the floor and all I could think was no thank you, I’d rather be alone (relationship-wise) than have standards that low. Granted those two things aren’t bad things to have in a man, and the latter is a MUST, but to limit the standards to money and a lack of violence? yea. Weirdest thing is, she always seemed like a pretty strong woman to me.
Symian
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 08:32 am: [report]
I’m so glad that thee are women out there who can accept and really enjoy being single. I’m all for marriage and dating and relationships, but it shows a deep level of self-acceptance and inner peace when you can live a whole life. At that point you’re ready and when the right person comes along you’ll know because instead of him completing you, you both can bring 100% to the table.
I loved reading this.
kalibrooke
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 08:43 am: [report]
yay! couldn’t agree with you more. my marriage is by no means perfect, but i still wake up happy every day knowing that i didn’t settle until i found someone who thinks that i am the bees knees but can still call me out on my stuff (lovingly, of course). i think every single person deserves have a true partner if he/she wants one and if that partner is yourself, then by all means, own it!
magentamle
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 08:47 am: [report]
thierry3 - My mom says that to me, too. “First for money, second for love.” I assume/hope she’s joking…
My thought, though, is that it depends on the type of person you are. Some people just NEED to be with someone else, they have highly dependent lifestyles. I’m thankful that I’m not one of those types, but for people like that, I think sometimes it is better to settle - after all, they only want the companionship.
Great read!
bbpickles
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 09:04 am: [report]
@megentamle- I’ve always heard it first for love, second for money!
I have been told I am too picky! That I don’t give guys a chance, so I told myself that I was going to give everyone a chance…..That’s pretty frustrating! I would rather be single than put up with just any guy!
I have been talking to a new guy, we have hung out once(not even a date)and he is talking about “phases” in a relationship and when they should happen, i.e. he said “the kissy flirty phase happens after you hang out a couple times, then a couple “dates” later we can have the gf/bf talk.”
I don’t think anyone should put a time limit on relationships, woman shouldn’t freak out at age 26 or 27 because they are single and won’t be married by the time they are 30!
EarthGoddess
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 09:07 am: [report]
I married my ex just after my 21st birthday, and I knew in my heart that I was settling from Day 1. Truthfully, I had settled throughout the entire relationship, opting for comfort and dependability rather than passion and excitement. I realize that all relationships lose some of their spark after you’ve been with someone for a long period of time, but my ex and I never had half the spark I now have with my husband. I knew when I met my husband that the feelings I have for him are the ones I should have been feeling all along, but I never did because I was with the wrong person. I think that if you settle, it will inevitably end in either divorce or a miserable marriage, and money can NEVER buy happiness.
redheadedrowdy
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 09:24 am: [report]
This brings back scary memories of my own experience with ‘settling’. I dated my last ex for nearly 5 years, 2 of which were spent co-habitating. I had convinced myself I was happy, even though I was downright miserable about certain things, like our non-existent sex life. I had just accepted that my life would be like that. Of course, now I can’t believe I did such a thing, but hindsight is 20/20 of course. It only took me about 2 weeks after the big breakup to realize I could now TRULY be happy. After a summer of singledom (the first such stretch since I was 16 or so) I became super comfortable with myself and where I was in life, enough so that I was ready for a rewarding, happy, healthy relationship. Then i met him. He’s amazing, and although I’m still freaked out that I almost settled, I realize it was definitely a learning experience and keeps me appreciating everything I have now!
MissChaotic
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 09:52 am: [report]
I needed this article. Thanks!
becktasm
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 10:09 am: [report]
Anyone who thinks marriage is about convenience and not love needs to watch the beginning scene in Up.
Also: I thought marriage stopped being about convenience when it stopped being a property arrangement, before married women were seen as people?
wawmama
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 10:11 am: [report]
Yay!!! I really liked this article. I usually use my kids as my dating yard stick. As in: Do I really want my daughter emmulating the way I behaving here, or being treated like this? It’s amazing the amount of crap that I just won’t put up with any more because of that. (And my self esteem as never been better!)
Queen Frostine
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]
My decision to marry came from these questions:
What are my needs, which are most important to my inner happiness? Does he meet those that are most important? What are his needs, which are most crucial to his happiness and am I able to fulfill them adequately? If yes to both, then check for financial stability, bedroom compatibility, good communication skills and overall level of responsibility.
No one is going to fulfill ALL of your needs, but identifying those that are most crucial (for me, being supportive when I needed emotional support) can give you a good checklist for not settling.
Durraya79
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 11:28 am: [report]
Well I feel ten million times better. I will be 30 in October and I am single. I REFUSE to settle! I’m not perfect but I know I deserve better than I’ve had in the past. Great article!
AnonyMISS
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 12:02 pm: [report]
my mom always tells me to make sure i’m head over heels in love before i even think about marriage. she says (paraphrased ofcourse), “marriage is not easy for people who are soulmates. you really have to compromise to make it work and more often than not there will be incredible struggles that you both will have to get through in your marriage. so why in the world would you want to settle?! if its not easy for people who are deep in love then it will be hell for you if you’re with someone you don’t have a special chemistry with.”
EarthGoddess
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 12:21 pm: [report]
@Anonymiss: I love what your mom says! What a great philosophy ...
Ginger
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]
I hate the idea of settling. Even in high school when girls would date guys just because they felt they needed to.
But I have so many relative who don’t seem happy in their marriages and they stay in them. And then they keep encouraging me and my cousins to marry. They’ve finally given up on my having a boyfriend (and thus have begun to just assume that I must be gay).
It’s going to be hell when I hit twenty-five though because then they’ll really start to think something is wrong with me for having no interest in relationships.
focker81
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 02:11 pm: [report]
I loved this line: “utterly unsuitable suitors.”
I also love that you fell in love with someone when you fell back in love with yourself by yourself
katettt
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 02:25 pm: [report]
If you “settle” for someone, you’re:
a) taking away HIS chance of meeting someone who would love him,
b) giving up the chance of YOU being with someone you love more than anything, and
c) cheating another woman who would love him out of being with him!
It’s a lose-lose-lose situation! If no one settles, we can all find who we’re meant to be with (in a perfect world anyway…)
I was in a dead relationship for 2 years with my best friend and realized I HAVE to have that chemistry. Otherwise you WILL be unhappy. Settling might seem like the easy way out but it’s really just the opposite.
toph
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 02:31 pm: [report]
relation heirarchy I was given
1) truly great relationship
2) single
3) unfulfilling relationship
skittlesmear67
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 04:55 pm: [report]
Very good article. I just ended a close friendship because she’s a settler and was just constantly bringing me down, making me question my own singleness. Not cool! How do you deal with a co-dependant friend who just cannot seem to be happy being single?
fallonthecity
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 11:46 pm: [report]
@skittlesmear67: if you figure that out, let me know!
majicksand
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 07:13 am: [report]
Never, never settle! Don’t expect perfection either. I’ve never met a single human being that didn’t get on my nerves at some point for some reason. Even my best friend annoys me sometimes, and she’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.
sultrylover09
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]
I think this article is very interesting. Im not one for settling and i wouldn’t recommend it for anyone. I wanna get married. I wanna have a life with my spouse and kids maybe one day, i really want kids. I think when it comes to marriage and finding someone who u wanna spend the rest of ya life with sometimes those questions are helpful. Questions such as does this person annoy u and if so can u tolerate it? if i had to be annoyed by anyone would i want it 2 b this person? people are going to get on ya nerves, poeple are going to push buttons, people are going to do things to try and get up under ya skin, but when it comes to a potential spouse u have to really think about those things. I mean i wouldnt dare base my entire marriage or potential marriage on whether or not this person i will b able to tolerate for the rest of my life but it is very important. Relationships arent easy and things are gonna come ur way regardless of how u handle urself or conduct the relationship. So one thing i ask myself is, if imma marry this person will i b able handle them yelling, and fussing, cussing, and carrying on, or am i gonna get tired of it and wanna move on? at this current stage of my life…there is anyone out there who i would rather argue wit than my girl…cuz the make up is SEXY!...sultrylover…OUT
bethylane
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 09:09 am: [report]
At my girl friend’s bachelorette party last night, I noticed she was glowing and thrilled and absolutely overflowing with happiness. She and her fiance are a picture perfect match—they have boundless love for one another and are respectful and considerate. I’m certain he is going to get misty-eyed when he sees her on their wedding day.
I refuse to ‘just settle’ until I am in a relationship like hers. The tough thing is to avoid being bitter when relationships don’t work out. When I’m seeing someone and things go sour and shut down, I try to remind myself that it was just a learning experience.
From failed relationships, you gain knowledge regarding the qualities that are “deal-breakers” (one of my favorite SATC episodes was about this!), and you have a better grasp on the type of guy you want in your life.
If I ever get married, one thing’s certain. At my bachelorette party, I do NOT want to be the type to hem and haw over and say, “Oh well, my dating days are over apparently. Guess I’ll get married in a week.” YUCK!
4kids1crzydog
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 06:04 am: [report]
Great article! As a two-time settler, I hope other women will follow this and take it to heart. Under pressure from my mother, I left the love of my life for a guy that my mom thought would “be better” for me. I was crazy madly in love with the first guy—and to this day he hates me because I left.
Why did I do it? My mother thought the other guy was “nice and won’t hurt you.” I cried the night of my wedding and felt so relieved when I finally got out of the relationship after 10 years. I loved being single. Then, the pressure started again and I settled again. I have an amazing house, drive great cars, etc… but for the most part I am unhappy. I crave that passion that I had for 5+ years with my first love. No matter what he did or how angry he made me—I was still absolutely crazy about him at the end of the day.
I have never found that again and I’m sure it’s because I settled. Why do I stay? My children…
My advice to my children will be to marry the person that you can’t get enough of—no matter how long it takes to find that person.
70stang
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 10:22 pm: [report]
I realized that I settled under pressure and fear after 5 years in a relationship. Now after 5 years of marriage, I am in the middle of a divorce that I asked for Why? Bbecause I discovered the love of my life after long talks and platonic dates with a trusted friend who views life the same as I do.
When I visited him for a week, I kept waiting for the brick to drop—bickering and fighting like I have in my marriage. Nothing happened!! That was when I knew I made the right decision in leaving my unhappy relationship.
EarthGoddess
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 11:37 pm: [report]
@70stang: Good for you!!! I was in a similar situation and handled it as you are ... best move I ever made. Kudos!!!
taalibba
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 09:25 pm: [report]
I’m pretty much chronically single (You know that girl who can’t be alone, I’m her polar opposite!) but the few mopes that I’ve had about not having the romantic love that I see between lucky people around me don’t even come close to the boredom, claustrophobia any resentment that I’ve felt when I’ve talked myself into dating men I’m not attracted to just because they asked me out.
Frederica Bimble
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 12:55 pm: [report]
joyy: Your comment made me laugh! I was just telling my friend about how low my mother’s standards are when choosing a man. When I was a teenager, we were at a travelling carnival and she pointed out some greasy “carny” working the Tilt-a-Whirl who was “giving me the eye” and nudged me and said, “he’s checking you out, why don’t you go over and talk to him.” My mother’s been married 7 times, mind.
gabi
wrote on September 8 2009 @ 07:45 am: [report]
@taalibba: I am the exact same way. That “claustrophobia” etc. really describes that feeling well. It’s so forced and uncomfortable.
I have to say that as much as I get down when things don’t work out, I do have this weird faith that going through all this sh*t will be worth it in the end.