Dating Don’ts: How Not To Kiss
Posted by: Judy McGuire | Filed in: Sex
10:00AM, Thursday July 17th 2008
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Locking lips. Making out. Smooching. Kissing. It sounds so pleasant and easy, yet do a little research and you’ll soon discover that while everyone may be doing it, few are doing it well. For your edification, I have rounded up the different varieties of bad kissers and broken them down by the traits they share with members of the animal kingdom:
Iguana: Characterized by cool, dry lips, and a tiny pink tongue, Lizard Lips is about as arousing as, well, a small reptile crawling around your mouth. One victim noted, “He’d dart his tongue in and out at a million flicks per second. Kissing is supposed to get you hot, not give you calluses.”
There is more to kissing than just shoving your tongue in and letting it lay there.
The Excitable Puppy: I don’t know who is telling these boys that there’s nothing hotter than a mid-makeout tongue bath, but I heard from a lot of sopping sisters. “He licked from forehead to nose to chin and back again,” is how one woman described her first kiss. “Like the way my 80-pound Labrador licks my face. Even though it was my first makeout sesh, I knew my companion was cursed with bad skills.”
The Rattlesnake: You know the scenario. . . he’s cute, you’re tipsy and so you lean in lay one on him and, BAM! His tongue is halfway down your throat, pulsing like a piston. “The tongue should flick lightly—not thrust like a video on BET,” instructs Victoria, a filmmaker who knows her way around a liplock.
The Tasmanian Devil: I was on the fence about one guy I was dating until we had our first makeout. His kiss was like being set upon by a team of angry ferrets. A sensuous bite on the neck can be hot, but a series of sharp nips to the jawline, decidedly less so.
The Venus Flytrap: “It was like his neck was on a hinge,” Sarah relays over cocktails. “This gave him the ability to open his mouth about six inches.” I dated one of these too—his mouth would open so wide that he’d cover my mouth and nose, making it impossible to breath. And yes, while I realize the Venus Flytrap is not technically an animal, it eats bugs and that’s good enough for me.
The Skunk: The breath of death was listed as a kiss-killer by most people surveyed. “In my mind I said let me give you the number of my gastroenterologist, or at least a mint!” David shared via email. In reality he said nothing to the offender—he simply never called her again. “I’m a very polite person,” he explained.
The Possum: As you should know, there is more to kissing than just shoving your tongue in and letting it lay there. “The unfurling of the tongue, and then not moving it . . . ” Sarah shudders, too horrified to go on. “Too much tongue is the number one component of a bad kiss,” she continues. “When it fills your mouth and you feel like some cheap bologna sandwich has been stuffed in there—that is the ultimate bummer.”
Kangal Fish: Used in exotic pedicures to nibble away the dead skin on your feet and hands, the KF-style smooch is also quite cleansing. “I had a woman do this odd thing where she ran the tip of her tongue along the face of my teeth, as if she was trying to clean them,” shares David, obviously on a roll. Sarah has also experienced this, and was neither amused nor aroused. “It reminded me of those cheesy Pearl Drops toothpaste commercials from the ’70s.”
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Loren Roderick
[report]wrote on July 17 2008 @ 03:30 pm:
I have known people however who have enjoyed the sensation of the roof of their mouth being caressed during a kiss… but that’s not exactly teeth licking.
On a side note, if you want some entertainment mention to a group of people that it is the one spot on the body that almost anyone can tickle themselves… and watch them all try.
Mac
[report]wrote on July 17 2008 @ 07:23 pm:
Have you ever had the roof of your mouth licked? Try it on yourself first and save it for a kind of silly but erotic moment with someone special.
Amanda
[report]wrote on July 17 2008 @ 10:16 pm:
You left out The Vaccuum. While a little lip-sucking can be nice, feeling like you might lose your lip is unacceptable. This once happened to me and I had a hickey on my lips to remind me of this awful experience for a week and a half.
ZZZ3
[report]wrote on July 19 2008 @ 07:57 am:
Thanks for this Judy.
This will make my morning, I cannot think of any other way to spend the day.
Have you given someone a kiss today?
Fruit and chocolate kissisies are not to be forgotten
Pinot Baisons! Rose Baisent!
atlgirl
[report]wrote on July 22 2008 @ 11:55 am:
I’m not sure what the animal name would be for this, but what abt the ultra dry, chapped lip rub?
Budlight Lime Gal
[report]wrote on July 23 2008 @ 09:07 am:
I was making out w/ this guy once (mind you just once after this) he just stuck his tongue in my mouth, usually you move your tongue around, no not so much for him. Literally just stuck it out like a kid making that face w/ their tongue sticking out. Ya there was no next time for him!
Carlos
[report]wrote on July 30 2008 @ 06:44 pm:
naht jigglyy!
sarah
[report]wrote on July 31 2008 @ 10:02 am:
i kissed a guy with bad breth on a dare!
sarah
[report]wrote on July 31 2008 @ 10:04 am:
eww
angela
[report]wrote on July 31 2008 @ 11:27 pm:
The most bizzarre kiss I had was on a first date a awhile back--A nice afternoon lunch date, when we were saying good-bye I leaned over to kiss him and when he leaned in to kiss me he...well, he started sucking hard on my bottom lip, when I pulled away, my lip was still being sucked on...Nope, still can’t talk about it.....
malibumac
[report]wrote on August 05 2008 @ 01:01 pm:
My trick is sensual in nature.......straight lip lock while ever so slightly increasing and releasing suction - very erotic and passionate and can make any girl’s heart heat up.
Just Another Person
[report]wrote on August 12 2008 @ 12:07 pm:
This post made my day.
CHRISTINA
[report]wrote on August 14 2008 @ 11:51 am:
MY FIRST KISS WAS WHEN I WAS 14
Hannah
[report]wrote on August 15 2008 @ 11:47 am:
MY 1ST KISS WAS WHEN I WAS 13!!!!!! + IT WASN’T PLEASANT!!!! Every girl dreams of a romantic, sweet, gentle moment when a guy gently touches his lips to hers and they share the first kiss. Try having someone tongue shoved down ur throat!!!!!!!! I still don’t like to talk about it!!
jbean
[report]wrote on August 17 2008 @ 09:28 am:
Kisses of death. Literally. I kissed this guy once and for those that have seen Harry Potter...it was like the death eaters. Sucking the ever lovin breath out of you. He went in for the kill and literally had his tongue down my throat so far I could’t breathe. I had to push him off of me. If the first kiss isn’t good you can forget about a second because the kissing is what leads to the good stuff. Slow and steady wins the race guys!!!
jdawg
[report]wrote on August 17 2008 @ 09:27 pm:
Hey, I can only say that , a kiss is only as good as the people involved. You can’t make a kiss special. The moment is critical....if it’s right, it will be great.
Hannah
[report]wrote on August 18 2008 @ 07:33 am:
Yea, you got that right!!!! Some people like to kiss for the sake of kissing.....and all the time. Kisses should be special and not a normal, everyday thing that you just do. If you’re looking for a good kiss that’ll sweep you off you’re feet, look for someone who knows the importance of the timing.
Girly
[report]wrote on August 21 2008 @ 01:26 am:
A soft entry with gentle suction and light licking.. yum! Have him do this under the lighting and thunder of a desert storm and you have the perfect first kiss.
bababababamac
[report]wrote on August 22 2008 @ 01:13 pm:
my first kiss was 9 days ago!!! i had it with the perfect guy! blonde, tall, and handsome!! it was a goodbye kiss. it was at a summer camp. it was amazing how tender he could be with his tounge. it was epic!
Kiki T
[report]wrote on August 22 2008 @ 01:25 pm:
bababababamac, you are adorable!
fruit juice lady
[report]wrote on August 22 2008 @ 04:49 pm:
my first kiss was from a girl and i was shaking in fear so bad its not funny
melanie
[report]wrote on August 25 2008 @ 08:59 am:
i love having sex and let me tell ya when the peanus rubs against your blater it feel fab!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
p.s. when he kisses your boobs he is really really sexulal
mariah carreira
[report]wrote on August 26 2008 @ 01:56 pm:
my first kiss wasnt really a kiss it was sex i didnt even no the guy he climed in my window and asked me and he was sexey the funny thing is im 10 and he was 16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Confused girl
[report]wrote on August 31 2008 @ 03:23 pm:
I have had my first kiss, it wasn’t great! I think it was probably the lizard lips
but now i want to have sex, but doesn’t the first time hurt and do girls bleed like straight after he sticks it in????
Confused girl xx
muhuhahaha
[report]wrote on September 01 2008 @ 02:16 pm:
so how about a guy that can turn any normal every day kiss into something amazing… now dont get me wrong this done all the time is wayyy to much… but only every once in a while… randomly a perfect kiss =D
Righteous Metal Broad
[report]wrote on September 03 2008 @ 10:08 am:
you forgot to mention the slimer, I’ve had to occassions where the guy I was kissing would fill my mouth with slobber. I’m grossing myself out just typing this.
And this was not one guy, it was two. The first was my first kiss (when I was 11, it turned me off of kissing for at least a couple more years). The second was when I was adult, shortly after kissing the slimer, I found out he was a virgin.
I should have ran away screaming for the hills.
angelica Majors
[report]wrote on September 04 2008 @ 06:07 pm:
my first kiss was weird it wasn’t really a kiss it was a tongue shoved down my throat!!!!!!! i had to push him off i gave him a second chance and he did it just right.
jbean
[report]wrote on September 04 2008 @ 09:18 pm:
oh yes, the slimer...where you have to find the nearest towel to wipe down your entire face!!! seriously, where’s the race? i just don’t get it. i know guys get excited but so do we. you don’t see us gobblin you up like thanksgiving turkeys. don’t get me wrong i have had some killer ones that take your breath away but in a good way. they’re few and far between but once you get them you’re ever so grateful that there are some guys that know what they’re doing.
amberi
[report]wrote on September 06 2008 @ 04:07 pm:
my frist kiss was wen i was 6 yea i kno way 2 young but if was fab it stared out as a perk so soft then he ran his tonge along my buttom lip and slowly pushed his tonge in rubed it on da roof of my mouth toyed wit my tonge a lil and softly grazed my tonge wit his teeth and all dis whole stroking da bak of my neck litening ran down my spine i spent da hole week looking at his lips and just thinking bout it gives me da chills but da thing is he was onli 8
SUGA MAMA
[report]wrote on September 08 2008 @ 06:12 pm:
My 1st kiss was on my bed when i was 8. he added a lil tongue 2......
Trixie
[report]wrote on September 11 2008 @ 09:45 am:
I like a bit of tooth/tongue action. Not a total exam, but running the tongue over the top of the teeth....mmhmm. Even a bit of knocking teeth when it’s all about the animal in us. You just have to be in agreement. If you do it, and the next time they do it back. Bingo.
My current man and I, in the total heat of it all, actually stop the lip/tongue motion and just breathe, with our lips lightly touching. Kind of Zen.
Maybe not for everyone, but we both hit on something that makes us both go ZOOOM!
I think you just have to play around. That’s the fun of it, right?
Kyzahs
[report]wrote on September 14 2008 @ 11:06 am:
No one mentioned ‘the shark’. Biters anyone?
kim hardy
[report]wrote on September 22 2008 @ 07:57 am:
I hate tongue suking.
Hardcore kissingtu!
[report]wrote on September 23 2008 @ 06:41 pm:
OK AS WEIRD AS THIS MAY SOUND THE THOUGHT OF A GUY SHOVING HIS TOUNGE DOWN MY THROUGHT SOUNDS REALLY HARDCORE AND SEXY AND NIBBLING IS THE BOMB !!!
jennie
[report]wrote on September 24 2008 @ 09:37 am:
hi i am jennie
i don’t kown how to kiss can you help me because i am going to my fist date on monday so i want to kiss him good so you see why i need help.
so wiil you help me.
love jennie
Lorin
[report]wrote on September 27 2008 @ 09:32 am:
My first kiss was at the beginning of this year at Super Bowl party. For anyone who’s seen Hitch and he says that the first kiss will tell a girl everything she needs to know about a relationship- he wasn’t lying. It was bland as hell. No feeling what so ever.
Now, my current boyfriend hasn’t kissed me yet, but holy heck, I thought he was going to the other day and my heart was going like a race horse, but I was disappointed because of his lovely father walking up to where we were and telling him to come on already. -_-
ShortStack
[report]wrote on September 27 2008 @ 10:07 am:
HA!HA! Death Eater Kiss! The first kiss that my husband and I shared was one of those. He literally sucked the air out of my lungs. At first, I didn’t want to say anything to him about it, so I tried to “correct” him by leading the kiss. It had worked in the past when I dated other guys (who were some on this list), but it didn’t for him, so I had to fess up and tell him that he was sucking the air out of my lungs. He admitted that he couldn’t breathe out of his nose, which made him a mouth breather. When we kissed, he wouldn’t get any air, and forgetting that we were making out, he’d breathe in through his mouth and steal my O2. It cleared up the gaffe and we’ve shared a lot of really nice make out sessions since then.
My number one kiss was not with my husband, but a guy that I was dared to kiss before I met my hubby.
It still gives me shivers. He started slow, building up anticipation, brushed his lips softly on mine, moved in slow and sensual and then lightly slid the tip of his perfectly moist tounge over my lip. I don’t think I talked for a good half hour after that one.
AvisBailee
[report]wrote on September 29 2008 @ 06:14 am:
I think,It wouldn’t really matter to me because there is a difference between what people say and do. Actions speak louder than words. If my date said that it would give me the impression that they are respectable and are looking to be with someone for a serious relationship rather than physical relationship.
megan
[report]wrote on October 02 2008 @ 03:32 pm:
i now how too kiss and have sex am 16
courtney
[report]wrote on October 04 2008 @ 06:03 pm:
Im 16 and not shy at all but wen it comes to kissing i become so shy never had corage to do it ive always wanted to go to some party and jus kkiss a stranger so i dont do it wrong but theres this guy i really wuuna go out with nd i kno he does too but hes 20 so clearly hes exprinced cus i deff should be to so i dont want to let him know its my first time. what should i do
Becca
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 11:21 am:
What I would say to do is to practice. Move your tongue slowly around in your mouth gently side to side or in the shape of a T. Don’t have your tongue too stiff or it could be really uncomfortable for the other person but you don’t want it too soft that it is like mush. Don’t have your mouth open to wide cause this gives the kissers that totally give your face a bath the chance to do just that. All you need is about 1 inch. You can also practice the force and movement of your tongue by unwrapping a starburst in your mouth (do not rip it) or tie a knot in a cherry stem. Also, guys are really sensitive on the back of their neck so gently caress the back of his neck in the midst of a kiss. Personally I find it creepy when a guy kisses with his eyes open. But that’s up to you as well.
When your comfortable with kissing you can experiment with gently sucking the bottom lip, licking it slowly, etc. People have their own personal preferences that are all different. Of course it depends which kind of kiss you would like which after you have kissed a couple of times you will find what kind of kiss totally makes you melt.
I would also say to not worry about it too much and just enjoy it. Just because he is 20 doesn’t mean he is a good kisser.
rose
[report]wrote on October 08 2008 @ 04:30 pm:
i havnt had my first kiss yet...im only 12 but i was reading all the comments and it sounds like practice is the best way to be a good kisser… thers such thing as a natural good kisser, right?
thanks
K
[report]wrote on October 13 2008 @ 05:04 pm:
The worst kiss I’ve actually had was with someone who shoved their entire mouth against mine, and never opened up their mouth once to let me put my tongue in...they just kept smashing my nose against my face with all their face pressure...and finally at one point I asked them to open up their mouth so I could slip them the tongue. I was completely baffled...it was like trying to play tag just to find their mysteriously absent tongue, his teeth kept colliding into mine, and the sad thing was that he had kissed a lot more girls before me...way more guys than I had...but nobody had ever told him how horrible he was. I fixed it though!
aaahhg!
[report]wrote on October 13 2008 @ 08:09 pm:
i’m 17…
and i’ve denied 7 guys…
but i want to kiss someone soo bad.
=[ i don’t know why i’m crazy, but i am so scared, and want it to be perfect!
Kandygirl
[report]wrote on October 15 2008 @ 02:42 pm:
My first kiss was… nice. I was about 8 and it was just me and the guy and we went under the blanket and we kissed. It wasn’t like a sloppy kiss but more like a soft sensual kiss. It was closed mouth but he had the softest lips and it was very enjoyable!
sallly
[report]wrote on October 20 2008 @ 05:33 am:
ive made out a couple times but im not always sure im doing it right…
i have a question..
how do u no where to move ur tounge ?
how do u know when to open ur mouth ?
Pinky
[report]wrote on October 30 2008 @ 04:10 pm:
the other day i madeout with my boyfriend for the first time and it was so nice. one thing though, it went by toooooooooooo fast! LOL he is a good kisser! awsume tongue action
BKjazzed
[report]wrote on November 06 2008 @ 09:21 am:
Bad kissing is a deal-breaker! I once dated this guy whose lips were so stiff and unsensuous, it made all his good qualities fade into the background. It literally felt like I was kissing something hard- and I don’t mean in a good way. I mean like a wooden board.