Dating Don’ts: How Not To Help Heal A Broken Heart
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
8:00AM, Thursday March 26th 2009
While watching your buddy cry her eyes out over some unworthy jerk isn’t nearly as painful as getting the heave-ho yourself, it’s still difficult. Most of us want to help our BFFs through breakups, but what do you say? Or, more importantly, what shouldn’t you say?
For the love of the sisterhood, even if it’s true, don’t tell her how awesome her ex looks or how happy he seems. Either forget you ever ran into him or lie.
1. Now is not the time to tell her how much you always hated him—but never bothered to tell her. Jennifer Kelton, CEO and founder of BadOnlineDates.com, had one pal who told her, “I have a friend who dated your ex years ago—and she had absolutely nothing nice to say about him.” When asked why she didn’t share this information earlier, her friend told her, “You seemed so happy.” Your job is to pass the Kleenex and buy the beer—not make her feel like an idiot for having dated him in the first place.
2. Even worse are the friends who remind you of every snippy thing you ever said about your ex. Carly S. went through this with one of her friends: “If you’re my friend, you’d better listen to me complain about boys and not throw it back in my face later!” Exactly. Sure, you may have complained about his snoring or eating beef jerky for breakfast, but there were plenty of other things you really liked about the big lug.
3. For the love of the sisterhood, even if it’s true, don’t tell her how awesome her ex looks or how happy he seems. Either forget you ever ran into him or lie. One of the most egregious examples of this happened to my friend Nita. “The day after my abortion—which I had because he left me for another woman, and I couldn’t raise a child alone—my ‘friend’ Jackie told me how happy my ex-husband seemed with his new, much younger girlfriend.” It goes without saying Nita and Jackie the Jackal are no longer friends.
4. Don’t wait until after the breakup to rat out bad behavior. Susanne had humiliation added to her heartbreak after her boyfriend dumped her. “Right after we broke up—and it was a fairly serious relationship—I was told by so many people that he’d been screwing around on me nonstop.” If you know your friend’s partner is being shady, the time to tell her is the exact second you find out.
5. Don’t even think about dating your friend’s ex until the dust has cleared, the tears have dried, and she’s written you a legal document okaying your liaison. Again, Nita had to deal with a backstabbing “friend” who went home with her now-ex/then-current husband after Nita and he had a horrible argument one night. “I didn’t find out about that until after we were divorced.” Is it any wonder Nita has a slight problem trusting other women?
Being a good friend isn’t brain surgery. Even if your pal seems to be slightly rewriting history, you don’t know what went on in their relationship. Distract her. A good friend of mine took me out for a spa day after a gut-wrenching breakup. Sparkly nail polish didn’t heal my boo-boo, but it made me forget about my broken heart for a few minutes. Be patient. She may repeat herself, and that’s okay. Just nod, agree, pass her a hanky, and get the bartender’s attention. You may be in for a very long night.
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crazyincarolina
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 08:09 am: [report]
perfect…Judy, I wish you were one of my friends.
wildwildwest
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 08:28 am: [report]
After dating a complete schmuck for a few months, we ended things. This is not even an exaggeration - after we broke up, I had 18 people tell me how terrible/shady/malicious they knew he was. And why didn’t they tell me this beforehand? “You were so happy”. Oh PLEASE. You could have saved me a tons of tears, public embarrassment because everyone thinks I’m an idiot and dollars spent on sad-me champagne if you had shared this information earlier. Spill the dirt ASAP.
Bokkie
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 08:35 am: [report]
5 should be “Don’t EVER think about dating a friend’s ex…EVER.” The only exception would be if they were dating so casually that the breakup was totally irrelevant to her, in which case you’ll still need signed documentation of her blessing—keeping in mind that she can revoke this at any time because she may not be able to predict how unhappy or uncomfortable it will make her.
Alex V
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 09:07 am: [report]
A caveat to #4: sometimes, even if you try to warn a friend, it falls on deaf ears. You just need to be there to help her when it is all over.
I and many others tried to warn a friend of mine that this guy she was dating was a schmuck and only wanted her for the lifestyle she would provide for him. Even at the time we understood that my friend was feeling the pressure from her biological clock, and saw this guy as her one, last chance. We tried to tell her this and were told to mind our own business. She married him and the “honeymoon” lasted less than 6 months and they were separated within 18 months.
PointBreak
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 09:54 am: [report]
I dated this meathead for a couple of months and a “friend” of mine brings over the girl he used to see before me, into my house, on my couch!! She then proceeds to tell my roomate “make sure she doesn’t mention ***** in front of this girl, this is his ex” of course my roomate for the love of protecting me doesn’t mention anything and in my dreary drunken state (i was getting over him by drinking..duh) my intuition was up and running and i somehow knew something fishy was up with her and I did not once say his name. The next day my roomate spills her guts, thankfully and I tore a new hole with that other “friend” of mine cause seriously- who does something like that? Ignorance is bliss but when you are trying to protect someone sometimes people’s intentions get misconstrued I personally would rather know straight up and not be left looking like the idiot in the end thank you ver much!!
retro chic
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 10:35 am: [report]
The right words from a tried-and-true friend never fall on deaf ears. The mettle of a good friend means being willing to do the right thing—especially if it’s the hard thing, briefly ruffling feathers. This aspect of friendship is an important one to me.
^ Alex, your friend heard you and others, and was part of her internal process, even if she denied it. It probably helped nip a longer union into the brief one it became so she can move on. The pudding is, you’re still good friends.
Kiki T
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 10:44 am: [report]
Next time I get dumped, I am coming right over to your place Judy.
laurafwalton
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]
“If you know your friend’s partner is being shady, the time to tell her is the exact second you find out.”
Really? I’m in an ethical dilemma with #4 right now, and since both parties are really good friends (i.e., they both make confessions to me!) I’m stumped. Part of me wants to clear the air, but part of me is torn between loyalties. When the bull hits the inevitable fan…well, has anyone else ever dealt with this?
retro chic
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
^ laura: Rocks and hard places, alright. Can you reintroduce your friends to each other and tell the them they need to talk, OR, that you choose to not be confided in anymore because of your reasons? Rebuffed or not, you’re out of it—that is, unless this is a position you enjoy.
Alex V
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 02:13 pm: [report]
@ laura,
I had a similar situation. My best friend D expressed interest in dating my eventual wife’s sister, E. My wife and I sat them both down and told them that:
1. We would not get involved in any way - no messages, no assessments of situations, nothing - this was their relationship and not all of ours.
2. That if things started to go bad, they needed to be honest and forthright and end it amicably.
3. That if they did end it, they better be prepared to see each other again, because they were both incredibly important in our lives and we wanted them in our lives, so they needed to be nice to each other.
It worked pretty well. They dated for about 9 months and when they broke it off, they acted like adults and when we got married, they were both at the wedding (along with E’s husband) and things went well.
I guess my advice (take it for what it is worth) is that you need to set up the rules as how they will interact with you, and expect them to stick to them.
mikeyellenlee
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 05:13 pm: [report]
I had this one girlfriend who actually went out of her way to go on my ex’s myspace and then tell me everything about who he’s dating and how he seems to be doing and what projects he was working on…“OMG this one song he has is so funny! I love it!”
Needless to say, the friendship didn’t last long after that.
Sofjna
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 11:26 pm: [report]
I am so lucky that I had such great support after I found out that I was being cheated on. Plus he and I worked together (until he got fired for constantly screwing up- haha)so it was nice that I work with a lot of my friends. My one friend I hadn’t even talked to in months was right there when I called her. They all got me through it and i recovered quickly. Although the day after we broke up one of my guy friends was like “well at least it happened before you two got married.” At the time I wished we were married so I could have taken the bastard for everything he had.
Llamanescent
wrote on March 31 2009 @ 12:35 pm: [report]
This is very true…I’ve had most of these done to me. The worst one for me was #4 though…if only because it’s happened with more than one guy I’ve dated. As soon as I broke up with them I suddenly had all my “friends” telling me what cheating #&@$% they were, and it was basically like…you couldn’t have told me this earlier?
However, I think the WORST thing I’ve ever had said to me by a “friend” was right after I got out of a very serious relationship that had me completely heartbroken for almost a year afterward. I was talking to one of my friends a few days after the breakup, and she said “Well, he never loved you as much as you loved him anyway.”... Yeah…thanks for that.
rdmains
wrote on June 4 2009 @ 09:38 am: [report]
I have been through almost every one of these. An ex “friend” of mine spent 6 months going after just about every ex of mine she could find, then went after my current. They are currently unhappily married, as she cheats on him regularly. Needless to say, we are not friends. Don’t actually have many friends as most of the people I’ve met don’t know even the most basic friendship rules. Don’t lie to, cheat or steal from your friend, don’t move in, quit your job and live off said friend for as long as you can get away with it, etc.
majicksand
wrote on June 4 2009 @ 10:05 am: [report]
I’ve got a good one. One of my “best buddies” continually counselled me to throw my boyfriend out for about 6 months before we actually broke up because he was making me and my kids miserable. We’d been together for years and he was the primary household income, so I kept trying.
The ex and the friend had also been friends for years which is how she justified moving him directly into her house when he left mine. She said she couldn’t watch one of her friends become homeless. Never mind that he chose to leave. Supposedly, they were just roommates, but I still refused to hang out at her place even though we had been hanging out together several times a week prior to his moving in.
She said she didn’t want to be put in the middle (huh?!), so I was not allowed to ask her anything about him. She even got mad if I asked, “how are things at home?” On the other hand, if she was mad at him, I got to hear all about it. When I reminded her that she already knew his flaws and shouldn’t be surprised, she acted as though his bad behavior shouldn’t apply to her since they weren’t sleeping together. (Wow, really?)
After about 9 months, she got fed up and threw him out. I figured that was the end of it. He and I have no contact and the two of them no longer had contact. Beyond that, I am happily preparing to marry someone else. As hurt as I was by her behavior, I was prepared to try to mend the severely injured friendship.
A few weeks ago, she called to let me know that her relocation was going well—new place, new town, new job—and, oh yeah, my ex went with her. They weren’t speaking right up until she needed help moving. Supposedly, he only stayed about a week to help her settle in, but I wouldn’t know. We haven’t spoken since. There was no fight, not even harsh words, but I can’t think of any good reason I even needed to know he was there. She’s in another state! It’s not like I might pop in unannounced and get blindsided by his presence.
I’m honestly not sure what she’s thinking. I’ve asked several times if there’s more between them. I even gave her my blessing. I’m happy where I am and truly don’t care what (or who) my ex is doing. She insists there’s nothing going on, so I’m at a loss to explain why a formerly dedicated friend continues to throw my ex in my face. Hearing about him isn’t painful anymore, just annoying.