Dating Don’ts: How NOT To Handle An Age Difference
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
8:00AM, Thursday April 2nd 2009
In my twenties, I dated a guy who was 12 years older than me. In my thirties, I went in the other direction, dating a dude 11 years my junior. (Don’t you dare call me a cougar!) Although both ended rather badly, I feel like that while the gaping age difference didn’t directly cause either relationship’s demise, it certainly didn’t help. Mostly because I wasn’t very graceful about handling it.
So, learn from my mistakes. Whichever way your May/December relationship skews, there are certain pitfalls you should do your best to avoid.
I used to refer to my younger man as “Junior Mint.” I found it hilarious, but he was less amused. Looking back, I don’t blame him. I certainly wouldn’t have found any humor in him calling me “Old Spice.”
1. Stay away from cute but ultimately disparaging nicknames. I used to refer to my younger man as “Junior Mint.” I found it hilarious, but he was less amused. Looking back, I don’t blame him. I certainly wouldn’t have found any humor in him calling me “Old Spice.”
2. Constant reminders of the age difference can be entertaining, but they can pass easily into the realm of creepy. “How could you not know who David Cassidy is?” is one thing. “I was having sex while you were in kindergarten” is kind of gross.
3. Don’t assume older is wiser. I made this mistake with my much older boyfriend. I thought he was the smartest guy I’d ever met. He agreed wholeheartedly. Turned out, we were both wrong. “I sometimes felt overshadowed by him, and his stature, and fame,” Missy says of her 14-years-older ex-mentor/boyfriend. “But he acted more adolescent than I did much of the time. Sometimes, I felt like the old one.” I hear ya’, sister. My elder ex hadn’t filed taxes ever. When he got caught, he had his bank account seized and wages garnished. Smooth move, idiot.
4. Then again, sometimes older is wiser. Genevieve has been dating her decade-younger girlfriend for a few years, and their main conflicts come not in the bedroom but in the kitchen. “I have ten years more cooking experience, and the youngster need to get out of my way when I’m making dinner,” she snaps, annoyed by the previous night’s gnocchi disaster.
5. Some behaviors come with an expiration date. As my friend Boris informed me, “Crazy in a young girl is cuter than with an ‘older,’ or more age-appropriate, I should say, gal.” Ben saw the bloom fall off his much younger rose. “I grew tired of being with a 24-year-old self-described artist who was really just avoiding work,” he says. “Being older meant I could suss out the difference between artistic notions and, well, laziness.”
6. Prepare yourself to feel like an alien upon meeting their friends and family. My older boyfriend’s guy friends were fine with me (go figure), but most of his female friends gave me, and him, the hairy eyeball. Even though I wasn’t exactly a teenager, I felt like a dumb, young piece in their presence. With the younger boyfriend, I had to contend with his buddies who yammered on about college and getting waaasted on frat-boy beverages like Jagermeister. It’s a toss-up which was worse.
While there are plenty of happy couples with decades between them (like Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, and their sweet, young second spouses), there are plenty more who never bridge that gap (Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, to name but one). Here’s hoping you learn from my mistakes.
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Miss
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:11 am: [report]
This is a tricky subject. I’m twenty two and my boyfriend just turned fifty, so yes 28 year difference. We have enough issues from people who don’t really know us about our age difference, we don’t need to make problems for ourselves.
retro chic
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:21 am: [report]
#3, How about the reverse? I the older, but he’s so old in the head. Others’ presumptive winky “Oooo, you’re robbing the cradle!” would get a “Nope, more like a rocking chair.” PS, we coug’d each other.
I’ve been at both ends of the scale, and age has less to do with maturity than some history references (which you keep to yourself if you’re the older).
Overall, if I were out there again, I’d prefer younger men. Their baggage coordinates much nicer with mine—not too matchy, not too contrasting. The age stuff we leave behind.
develange
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 02:19 pm: [report]
I’ve noticed a trend over the past few years, that the age gap between me and the guy I’m dating gets bigger. My current boyfriend is 30. I’m 22.
At first, the eight year age gap made me insecure, but I discovered we have similar life views, humor, and tastes, and overall maturity level. We’ve been together almost a year now.
The only thing that still bothers me is hanging out with his friends: they are all super close and engaged or married to each other, and I am nowhere near that point in my life.
So I agree that maturity level isn’t always related to age: some young guys act like cynical old bastards, while some older guys still laugh at fart jokes.
powplz
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]
@Develange - I’m 23 and my bf is 31 (32 on Saturday!). If your bf isn’t at that point in his life yet, it probably won’t be a problem. Sometimes being the odd fish out (for any reason) can wiggle itself way too far inside your head and create uneasiness that is mostly overhyped. Do his friends treat you well? Do you get along with them?
Having that similar world view, humor, taste, and maturity level has the same effect for me, and since he looks young (at least when he shaves) and I apparently seem a little older than I am, most people who don’t already know are a little shocked to hear the spread is that big.
Ironically enough, my brother is now dating a woman 9 years his senior. I like to joke that we have the same dating tastes (since both our SOs are seriously strong climbers too).
Gingee
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 09:38 am: [report]
In my 20s, the guys I dated were in their 40s. Age was never mentioned. At age 23, met my husband, (now deceased) who was 43, and his children were closer to my age than he was.
His friends and I got along just fine.
I’ve also dated younger guys, and the one time that it might have made a difference was when we were in a restaurant and he ordered an alcoholic drink, then told me that legally he was too young to have be drinking.
Nicknames: This is about manners and respecting the other person’s preference, and it is about familiarity.
develange
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:14 am: [report]
@ joyy - thanks. Hah and yeah, there’s the whole shaving and looking younger thing.
Maybe I need more friends who are dating older (8+ years older) guys. Most reactions I get are “ohhh, he’s THIRTY?!” as if he were some elderly pedophile.
powplz
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:22 am: [report]
@Develange - heh. He turned 30 while we were dating, and I was on the phone with him a bit before that b-day, and when he said something to the effect of “I can’t believe I’m turning 30!” I actually responded the same way in my head - I was in college and just hearing it so obviously put like that kind of threw me.
But I got over it the next day because he’s really just a man-child at heart (though thankfully man/adult enough that I don’t ever feel like I have to mother him or hold his hand through real world-type things like doing laundry and filing taxes).
stephoney22
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 12:07 pm: [report]
My roommate and I were both seeing men about 14 years our senior. They were in a sexual relationship and ours was more just being together once a week and cuddling/hanging out. Each of our SO’s had opposite work schedules which made things difficult. My guy and I never had issues with age, we talked about it once or twice and we were both cool, in fact, we both loved it. But my rommate’s older man mentioned it a lot - very problematic. Turns out both men are ridiculously too immature for being 40 but it turned out good for me - my guy’s brother introduced me to the love of my life.
stephoney22
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 12:11 pm: [report]
I agree with you, Judy. Difference in age will never be the direct reason a relationship doesn’t work out. As with most situations, it comes down to the individuals.
HusbandTribe
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 01:19 pm: [report]
My wife and I will be celebrating our third wedding anniversary. She is 27 and I am 45. I dated several younger girls before meeting her… none of which ended well. Some of those experiences were fun, some were frightening and some were hilarious. But they were only distractions while I searched for someone who was more age appropriate.
When I first met the woman I would marry, I was profoundly disappointed to learn that she was so much younger. Ugh! Not again! But the attraction as overpowering as our familiarity was comforting. So I gave it a shot with no expectations for a long term anything. I figured I’d just have fun with this amazing person. Surprising, age was never an issue… other than my initial preconceived notions. We meshed together perfectly. But I still kept telling myself that we could never last because on paper there was an age difference. Then I realized that there are millions of women who are the right age… but only one was the right person. Luckily, I found her.
pornqueen
wrote on April 7 2009 @ 10:41 am: [report]
I’ve always dated older man. Seems to me that they are more mature (most of the time). Sexually (again most of the time) they are great and experienced. Age has never been a factor in a relationship… I think it’s the way you handle and accomodate yourselves to that gap that matters. Currently, I am “seeing” a guy 12 yrs older than me (46), single, never been married, no kids, financially stable. The sex is off the charts! But something is not quite right yet, any ideas?
Cherubina
wrote on April 7 2009 @ 11:03 am: [report]
My boyfriend is eight-and-a-half years my senior, and honestly, neither of us really notice the difference at all. We’ve been dating for two years now and it hasn’t really been an issue. Either I’m really mature (perhaps) or he’s really immature (also doubt it), but I don’t see him as anything more or less than an equal, and I know he sees me the same way.
When I first met him, I didn’t think he was more than 25 ... maybe that’s it.
loveitlala
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 08:52 am: [report]
Most people scoff at May-December romances for a reason… if there was no reason they would be more accepted. Sometimes they work out because a power imbalance fits certain personalities, but it doesn’t fit me. I’ve experienced it and will never again.
loveitlala
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 08:54 am: [report]
And if a man/woman is not married past a certain age, I generally think bachelorhood is a permanent lifestyle or there is something wrong with the guy. Purely based on my own experiences…
powplz
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 08:56 am: [report]
@sprinkibrio - Not all relationships with an age difference come with a power imbalance. Perhaps your own may-dec relationship just wasn’t a good match - just like any other PAST relationships with folks your own age that didn’t work out.
powplz
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 09:05 am: [report]
so now there’s something wrong with people who don’t want to or just don’t get married?
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 09:09 am: [report]
@joyy: Yeah! You’re right.
Jeez internet, make up your mind on these things so I can take the other side just so I can argue.
writergirl
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 09:45 am: [report]
I once dated a guy who was nine years my senior…..it was a good summer fling—all it was intended to be.
If, god forbid, something were to happen with my husband, I don’t think I could EVER date a younger guy. My brother is six years younger and while not all men in that age group are like him—lazy, unmotivated, afraid of responsibility, feel they are “entitled” to everything, and just seemingly wastes of humans—they are who I am exposed to at that age group and I can’t see myself ever wanting to date one.
I’d turn into a nag in 3.5 seconds flat. That can’t be good for the sex life, stamina or not.
happyw/youngerlatinman
wrote on May 13 2009 @ 05:21 pm: [report]
constantly being referred to as a “hot mama” used to offend me- my son is 20 & every time we’d go out no one believed i was his mom- after my divorce i focused on getting my degree & landing a decent job- did both & didn’t date for almost seven yrs- it was tough- dated a gorgeous latin guy four years younger than me for several months- then saw his true colors & let him go- two months later while laughing at an outside table at my friend’s restaurant the MOST gorgeous man i’d ever seen kept blowing kisses at me & winking- by the 4th time i wagered w/my friend he was from puerto rico-her being from spain she should know - but she insisted he was from mexico- won the bet-& him- almost two yrs ago now- he just celebrated his 27th b’day- i’ll be 41 in july-i have always loved latin men- they are secure in their manhood and don’t get intimidated- perfect for me- we do everything together- he didn’t speak a word of english when we met either- speaks well now—we love each other- he & my son get along great- all i can say is - ladies if you want passion, romance, and a supportive, loving man - get a latin man- they are beautiful—life is way too short - be happy every day- enjoy the nuzzles, the hugs, and each other…the men my age bore me to tears- they are couch potatoes- i’m waaayyy to hyper for that- i have so much energy he tells me to relax & sit down- don’t think about our age much- but every once in awhile i’ll have a girlfriend smile - & later say how perfect we are together- used to care about being “politically correct” but now i care about being happy and being in love. if a beautiful,younger man blows kisses & winks at you- walk up & talk to him- they love that - and you will too…don’t miss out on 7 yrs like i did…we look the same age- and we get compliments everywhere we go- all i can say is i am finally happy & look forward to seeing him every time…& after 2 yrs that’s a good thing…
stiffinp
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 07:00 am: [report]
A few years ago, I struck up a friendship with a woman 15 years younger than me. Although we had differences in background [(rural/urban surroundings), (Caucasian/Caribbean origin)], we became close friends. She had since moved away, but we remain in touch and are still decent friends.
zombielustre
wrote on September 12 2009 @ 07:42 pm: [report]
I’m 19 and my lover is 57. I didn’t intend on getting in a relationship with someone older than me, I only wanted to have a fling to see what it was like to be with an older man. But we ended up falling hard for each other and have been together for six months and have had close to zero problems. I think our relationship works out because we don’t make a big deal out of the age difference. In fact I’ve almost stopped noticing it.
Our personalities also compensate for the age difference; I’m not one of those college party-girl types, I’d rather stay home and read a book or watch a movie. I’m interested in the things he knows about and has experienced. Meanwhile he’s not one of those stodgy old curmudgeons who is close-minded and set in his routines. I’ve introduced him to some of the music, movies, and books I like and he ends up liking them too. Oftentimes he’s the one who keeps ME up late on school nights! Even though he’s experienced a lot, he’s still open to new things.
As for the future - we don’t pressure it. We keep it realistic and right-now. We’re not going to move in together, or get married, or have kids. Sometimes I think about what it would be like if we were together until he died; what would I do then? But I try not to think about it and just enjoy how happy I am with him right now. Even if I don’t get to spend my whole life with him, it’s still better than settling and spending my life with someone my own age who won’t make me nearly as happy as he does.
AChanceAtHeaven
wrote on September 12 2009 @ 07:49 pm: [report]
I know a 21-year-old who’s actively pursuing relations with a female preschooler.
Her cat.
Hilary
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 10:38 am: [report]
I’ve just begun to experience my first May-December relationship…I’ve never felt like this about another man before. He’s 25 years older, but it doesn’t bother me at all. It does bother him a little, but he doesn’t talk about it much. It doesn’t interfere with anything else that goes on in our relationship. I’m in love with him and I didn’t think he would ever happen to me.