Dating Don’ts: How Not To Dump Him
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Thursday August 14th 2008
Color me cynical ladies, but let’s face it—no matter how great your relationship might be going at the moment, chances are it’s going to end. And while breaking up is never pleasant, why make the inevitable anymore painful than it has to be? Since there are very few “great” ways to dump a man, we’re going to list all the ways you shouldn’t go about kicking your once-loved to the curb:
Passive-aggressive be thy name—if you’re not woman enough to actually show someone to the curb, you’re not lady enough to date.
- Getting poetic. “Roses are red/Violets are blue/Garbage is dumped/And so are you!” You don’t want to put the poor boy off haiku and limericks for the rest of his life, do you? The lady who delivered this sendoff is one cruel—albeit fairly funny—cookie and now any time this poor schmo tries to buy a greeting card he’s going to be reminded of this humiliating moment.
- Antisocial networking. Did you hear about the guy who proposed to his girlfriend over Twitter? Yuck. Talk about the dork version of the Jumbotron half-time proposal! By the same token, breaking up with your boyfriend over Facebook, Twitter, MySpace or, perhaps worst of all—via your blog—is inexcusable.
- Hate mail. Only slightly less cowardly than those who send Dear John e-mails are those who make the mailman do their dirty work. My research suggests that men are especially talented at this: “A guy I was seeing sent me—via snail mail—a National Geographic Map of Natural Disasters,” reported one disgruntled dumpee. “No note, just the map.” Another woman I spoke with told me, “My college boyfriend of two years opted to break up with me via a handwritten letter. He explained he only loved me as a friend and wasn’t attracted to me anymore.” Nice. Let’s NOT emulate this, shall we?
- I H8 U. Text message breakups are tacky and should not be utilized by anyone over the age of twelve.
- “This is a recording.” While slightly less of a jerk move than the “IM dump-and-run”, leaving your date a heave-ho message on his voicemail is pretty weak and cruel. If you must do your ditching over the phone—at least wait until you get him on the line.
- The disappearing act. Passive-aggressive be thy name—if you’re not woman enough to actually show someone to the curb, you’re not lady enough to date. Vanishing into thin air is possibly the most over-utilized ditching technique and is only excusable if you’ve been out with him less than four times or are actually afraid of him.
- Make him do the dirty work. You’re too chicken to pull the plug yourself, so instead of being honest, you force his hand. Maybe you show up for your romantic weekend getaway with a hickey on your neck – not from him. Or perhaps you giggle at the size of his baby-making parts, or call his grandmother an old hag. Any way you cut it though, bad behavior is just cruelty to save you from looking like the bad guy. That’s beneath contempt. And guess what—you still come off as the jerk.
So the next time you want to end a relationship, do it with dignity. I find a simple “It’s not you, it’s me,” works every time. . . .
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Catherinette Singleton
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 09:34 am: [report]
I just broke up with my boyfriend. Literally. It was this morning and I did it over email. But I had a very valid reason. I wanted to avoid the 4+ hour talk where he would try to convince me that we could work things out, and that I was wrong, and that he loved me, and blah, blah, etc., blah.
It’s a crappy way out, but when I weighed my options, it was the best decision for me.
lilo
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 09:40 am: [report]
Sure, it’s cowardly, but I think silence says a thousand words.
par3
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 10:22 am: [report]
Catherinette you know you’re bound to give some face time when you ‘bump’ into each other (or while he waits in front of your doorstep) to talk- EEK. good luck!
andy
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 10:55 am: [report]
Great break up story, and now its two years ago nadi have a little bit of perspective—here’s one from the guy’s point of view. By the way, I love the comments thus far about accepting the cowardly way out etc. classy, and you have abdicated your right to complain about guys being jersks (cleaned up my language, lol) anyways, i was perusing the news on cnn over my lunch break and found this column, and it reminded me of a couple summers ago. So, here goes. College sweethearts, started dating her when i was 21, we date for almost 7 years. we go through the ups and downs of any relationship. obviously start talking baout direction and marriage about the five year mark, she is very religious, in fact goes to seminary for three years, and is now a full time career minister. (not that she can wear a white dress on her wedding day, mind you) So, we go on, we hit the 6 yera mark, and she tells me absolutely that she wants to marry me, have kids with me, the whole nine yards. she is completely ok with our differences is in religion, etc. She graduates smeinary, gets assigned to her first church, goes on a retreat to europe (even calls me from the retreat, using someone else’s cell to tell me she loves me) 4 days later, she gets back, she calls me on the phone, tells me its over, that we were so wrong or each other, that even if she had gone through with the marriage she would have left me ultimately, and that i jus twasn’t “prayerful” enough for her. i force her to at the very least meet me in person, afterall, a week ago i was the love of her life, and self-described best friend. she refuses to meet in person, until a week later she caves and meets and stands in my door, stone-faced, no tears, nothing and tells me the same things and how she realized i just wasn’t good enough for her. never see her again, even though she said she would write later on to see how my health was. oh yeah, i forgot to mention that during this whole thing, I had been diagnosed with diabetes and was insanely sick. had to return the engagement ring that she had been asking for, etc. about nine/ten months, later, i was just on myspace checking out people with music blogs that were in my area, and i stumble upon this guys profile, announcing that he and, guess who, my ex, were engaged. turns out she had met him on the retreat. i talk to her mom, because after 7 years, you get to know a person’s family, and her mom was just incredible apologetic, but blunt—like, yep she blew you off for this guy, sorry—we really liked you, but we can’t control her. the ex, by the way, sends me a 3 sentence e-mail how pathetic i was, but good lluck with life, she peace with jesus christ, lmao. so much for all the time, friendship and “christian compassion and kindness” anyways, sorry it was long but that’s it—-questions comments???
Simosa
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 01:11 pm: [report]
Dude - sometimes girls are cowards too. Sometimes we want someone to be the right person so badly that we ignore every sign that says they are wrong. We twist ourselves up and make demands thinking if this or that happens it will make them right…and we almost settle (which would have meant you would have settled to).
Then, the right guy walks in and it’s easy and smooth and no twisting or turning ourselves (or you) inside out or convincing ourselves (or you) that it’s right…Because when something’s right - it doesn’t need time convincing.
It sucks for you - NO DOUBT. But let it go. Trust again. Love again. AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. Start today man. START TODAY. Fall in love with someone just for five minutes. Yeah, give yourself permission to crush on the cute check out girl at McDonald’s, and a girl at the gym and a co-worker and a neighbor (no stalking) and just start having fun - all so you can be open and ready for the right girl to find you. Because if you’re still carrying a bunch of crap around from an old relationship - you’ll bum that new girl out and she’ll just keep looking for Mr. Right.
The reality is - it’s never easy to let someone go and it’s always easier if there’s someone new to sponge up the pain. So, if you read the article and think girls are cold…remember - Breaking Up is Hard to Do!
Andy
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 01:23 pm: [report]
thanks fro the response, and i realize all of that. except i’ll disagree with the first part, if you really love someone you don’t just turn it off and turn it right back on for someone else, which is what she did—- it means you were lying when you said you were in love. plain and simple. it was a real bad time for me i was sick, with the diabetes, my career at the time wasn’t going well. so, i was just a little overwhelmed, and i’ll admit, that i went
and talked to a shrink for awhile to help work all of it out. i realized that she was probably a narcisist and there was nothing i could have done. and, for the record, this year i did meet someone else, and its awesome. and we have talked about things, and she understands, and hasn’t run away. so,you can’t generalize these things, people will act differnetly, and i feel honesty and communication are the best things. and things are great, and she’s amazing. i don’t think about this every day you understand, just seeing this article, grabbed my attention. my point is, is that, you never, under any circumstances, should treat someone like that. and no matter what happens in my future, its not like i’m going to forget how i was treated. for the record, i don’t think breaking up was too hard for the ex, she’s just too wrapped up in herself. i almost feel bad for the dude who is marrying her. almost, lol
Tony
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 01:24 pm: [report]
The Silliness of it All:
Why feel bad about dumping someone? Why feel bad about being dumped? There are about 6 billion people in the world. Some of the most attractive of these would still be very poor choices for a long term relationship. It is as important to eliminate the ones that are not suitable as it is to find the ones that are. When a relationship ends you can tell yourself that I eliminated that one and now have slightly less than 3 billion choices. I am making progress. It is not a reflection upon you. It is just a reality that there are more unsuitable partners than there are suitable ones. Looked at in this manner it is a numbers game where it is positive thing to eliminate a choice or be eliminated as a choice. It gets you closer to success.
RelationshipsAreHard
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 05:37 pm: [report]
Andy:
I understand how you feel. A guy I was dating told me his aunt was sick, so he couldnt see me anymore. He basically vanished. Then, he magically reappears again on the internet. He attempts to talk to me again. Like a fool, I speak to him via phone. I almost decide to go out on a date with him, when he shows his sparkling personality once again in conversation. It was a mistake.
Now, I am in a great relationship with a wonderful person. We have been seeing one another for three years. I think what I mean to say by this is that you can find someone again. She was NOT for you. She was probably not a good person to be with. I think it was good you know this now before marriage.
Its your time to shine. Date and have fun! Good luck and much health and happiness.
Cassandra Carmichael
wrote on August 20 2008 @ 08:16 am: [report]
Wow, Andy that’s a very upsetting story.
The worst is when you don’t have closure.
Because you feel that you can’t really move on until you know the whole story, or why they left you for someone else, and who is this new person etc. etc.
But I’ve learned that I need to forgive that person for being insincere and move on in my life. Taste another flavor in the huge variety of ice cream out there. It gets you sick, and down when you don’t have something to live for, so doing something daring, charming, or just downright not you once in a while can boost up ego, put yourself out there, and get meeting new people. It’s easier to be happy when you surround yourself with good friends. Keep happy, and Good luck!
Britteja
wrote on November 19 2008 @ 01:21 am: [report]
Tony…
All your questions would not be asked if you truely knew….like ever… what it meant to be in love with someone and/or loved by somebody, when suddlenly, some factor in someone’s life suddenly develops or changes. This change or development then results in that person making the decision to break up with their significant other. Sure, break ups are of varying degree in who’s fault is what, anger, and add-ons. But if you ever had a break up with someone you truely loved at some point, whether you ended it or not, you would never be able to push that person away as just another calculated probability.
....I really could go on and on about this, but I’ll just leave it at that.
When you have loved someone, you can never reduce that person to another “1 in the xmillion people on earth”... they are always more significant in a negative or positive manner.
Whether you made up or not… they were a chunk of your life. Putting them off is putting off those years. Life’s short enough!