Dating Don’ts: How Not To Be A Bad Ex
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Thursday November 6th 2008
There are two sides to almost every breakup — the dumper and the dumpee. (Sorry, I don’t buy those “mutual” decision splits. I’m sure they happen, but they’re as rare as a fat cell on Madonna’s rear end, so they don’t count.) While it’s ideal when both sides leave the relationship with dignity, it’s much easier to be the Gracious Ex when you’re the dumper. After all, it was your bright idea to break up. You’ve had time to wrap your head around it, and really, who are you kidding? You probably have a replacement lined up already. So, we’re going to start with you, the breaker-upper, because your list of “How Not to Be” is a lot shorter. Without further adieu, you definitely should not ...
There is not one action more weaselly than kicking someone to the curb one week, only to send them a “Zombie Hug” on Facebook the next.
1. Refuse to be the bad guy. Every breakup has one and, as the dumper, you need to suck it up and admit you’re it. Even if you’re not particularly evil, you’re the one who used his heart as a hankie, so don’t call him, wondering if he’s “OK.” Not only does it not absolve you from anything (and that’s really all you’re looking for), it’s presumptuous. And while we’re at it, don’t even think about acknowledging milestones. Nothing says Unhappy Birthday like a store-bought greeting card from the person who ruined your life (at least for a while).
2. “Friending” them. There is not one action more weaselly than kicking someone to the curb one week, only to send them a “Zombie Hug” on Facebook the next. I dated one guy whose MySpace page consisted solely of women he’d wrung through his emotional wringer. Guess whom he tried to add next? I don’t think so, buddy.
3. Leave them on your band/performance/whatever SPAM list. The best thing about getting dumped by a musician/actress/mime is that you never have to sit through another one of their lame performances. The second worst thing about these emails is that they serve as a reminder you still draw breath and are experiencing some level of success. But the all-time worst aspect is that you just know that the list of recipients includes the person she’s currently snogging. This goes up an extra notch of excruciating when the sender doesn’t utilize the BCC function.
4. Throwing the sad face. True, running into someone you’ve emotionally eviscerated is uncomfortable, but if you happen to cross paths with your ex, be polite, be discreet, and move on quickly. Don’t coo and hover, your exaggerated frown telegraphing their status as the booted party to any and all in the area. Getting dumped is humiliating enough without the insincere theatrics.
5. Rebound with a friend or family. The ultimate in sketchy ex behavior is dumping someone to get to his cousin—or brother. Next up is his best friend. If you’re going to go there, at least wait a couple days before you do so.
6. Backsies! How many times have you finally gotten over someone, only to have them come bounding back into your life the second you meet someone new? It’s uncanny—and unbelievably irritating—how often this happens. Don’t be that person. To ensure you won’t, before you have “the talk” with your no-longer-significant other, picture him making out with your best friend. Are you A) mildly intrigued, B) livid, or C) relieved that he found someone else because now he won’t cry when you tell him to get lost? If you picked A or C, you’re good to go. If B was your answer, you’ll get what you deserve when he starts dating your hotter, younger cousin.
Next week, I’ll tell how to handle being dumped with dignity.
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Kiki T
wrote on November 6 2008 @ 09:14 am: [report]
YES! YES! YES! Rule #1 is one I try to live by and as of lately, have to revive that rule and this was the perfect reminder!
BKjazzed
wrote on November 6 2008 @ 10:13 am: [report]
Yeah- What’s with that “backsies” thing? The second you attract the slightest interest from other guys, it’s like they get the vibe. The other weird phenomenon is how guys keep sniffing around when you’re really not ready to date, but as soon as you are, where the heck are they?
Jim
wrote on November 6 2008 @ 10:27 am: [report]
Under your “rule 5”... I’m hoping the “at least wait a couple days” part was a joke. Try a couple months. Or never, for that matter. It’s one thing for you to end your relationship, it’s a wholly other thing when you, in effect, end that relationship AND that of a relative/friend… because that’s exactly what would happen. Give enough time for the dust to settle and your recent ex to move on to greener pastures.
Lynn
wrote on November 6 2008 @ 12:28 pm: [report]
#3 YES. I hate(d) getting emails from exes about their “gigs.” The truth is that I hated going to see every one of them play when we were together, but I did it as a labor of love. Now even getting the emails or facebook messages is irritating, because it just reminds me of an unpleasant part of our relationship.
MissChaotic
wrote on November 6 2008 @ 05:46 pm: [report]
I heart this post. My latest ex has been pulling this crap with me. Ugh.
Andy Canfield
wrote on November 6 2008 @ 08:12 pm: [report]
Summary: You two have to learn to be polite. That’s hard when you’re used to being emotional. It’s desirable when there are mutual friends, or even mutual streets, and it’s necessary when there are mutual kids.
miss dee
wrote on November 7 2008 @ 07:31 pm: [report]
“Next week, I’ll tell how to handle being dumped with dignity”
Please please please please please. I need it right now.
ZzZ
wrote on November 7 2008 @ 08:11 pm: [report]
Words cannot encompass the discomfort of rejection, you believe there is mutual honor equally with each other and suddenly your future together is non-existent. The numerous reasons humans build relationships provide us with a perspective perhaps we lack together or alone.
Billie Holiday sung “Love is like a faucet” sometimes it turns on and other times it turns off, you get my drift? Sometimes we all need a good cleanse even if we told mom no.Why should I? Stop asking why, approach yourself beginning with how? The passivity of why will lead you to turn more pages of your calender that should be booked with the hot stuff we all deserve and desire to give and receive.
Jeff
wrote on November 9 2008 @ 09:52 pm: [report]
I clicked the link because it seemed like a good premise for an interesting article. It wasn’t true, insightful, or humorous. In fact, I found it to be very narrowly directed at very few people. So if I join a band, take me ex’s off the mailing list. Thank you, that will be particularly helpful next never.
Simosa
wrote on November 9 2008 @ 10:00 pm: [report]
Jeff - I’m guessing that means you are guilty of doing most of these things to your ex.
Jeff
wrote on November 9 2008 @ 10:10 pm: [report]
Actually no. That was the worst part… I’m sure I’ve been a bad ex in the past, and she didn’t include any of the more egregious offenses of which I myself may have been guilty.
toyen
wrote on November 11 2008 @ 05:28 pm: [report]
“There is not one action more weaselly than kicking someone to the curb one week, only to send them a “Zombie Hug” on Facebook the next.”
LOL.
My ex added me to his brand spanking new facebook page about a week after he decided to move out. I’d sent him the invite to join the damn site many months before, and he finally only creates a profile to spy on me from afar!? No zombie hugs, though. I finally had a 2am epiphany and deleted him off my social networks. If you can’t treat me decently in real life, why should I be your virtual friend?
Amelia
wrote on November 11 2008 @ 05:34 pm: [report]
@SL I deleted mine too, and all his friends. But now I am slightly regretting because I wouldn’t mind having access to spying on him (not that he uses his Facebook much), but I’d feel like a damn fool suddenly re-friending him, being like, “Sorry, I was in a pissy mood and was kind of drunk and I deleted you as a friend and now I’ve changed my mind!”
toyen
wrote on November 11 2008 @ 05:42 pm: [report]
We could befriend each other’s! No, I am just kidding! I’m tying to let go of giving a damn about what or how he’s doing anymore, so it instantly makes it a lot harder. But I think it’s a good step to sever all ties. Apparently the real relationship grief doesn’t start ‘til you abandon all hope.