Dating Don’ts: Helping A Friend Who’s Being Hit
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Thursday August 13th 2009
“Why does she stay?” is the question most often asked when we hear about someone involved in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, it’s also one of the least helpful things you can say to a woman caught up in this cycle. So what can we do to help when we suspect a friend is being battered?
Several years ago, project manager Jenny found herself in that position when she noticed a new friend was covered in bruises. “I told her flat-out that I had seen the bruises and that I was concerned,” Jenny says via email. “I told her that I didn’t know if she needed help or someone to talk to, but that she could call me any time, day or night.”
Jenny confided that she too was a survivor of domestic abuse and was blown away that only after she’d escaped her abuser did friends come forward to tell her how much they’d loathed her husband. “No one said anything when I was in it and needed help—so that was why I was speaking up.”
The most important thing you can do for a friend in a terrible situation is to let her know that you’re a safe person for her to confide in. One of the most insidious things abusers do is cut their partners off from friends and family. It’s easy to stomp off in a huff if a friend doesn’t return a few phone calls or emails, but realize that if it’s a friend who’s being battered, she either might not have the option to get back to you, or be too embarrassed to do so. Keep trying. Respect her boundaries, but make sure she knows you’re there.
I called Kimberlina Kavern, a director at Safe Horizon, the nation’s leading victim assistance program, to get her thoughts on the matter.
“Tell your friend that if there’s anything going on that she wants to talk about, that you are a non-judgmental, supportive friend,” Kim suggests. Hear that? Put away the Judge Judy robes. Never mind what you would do in her situation—until you’ve been there, you have no idea.
“We always recommend trying to connect survivors with a professional DV advocate,” Kim advises. Safe Horizon is such an advocate, providing everything from legal assistance to counseling to safe shelter, to locksmiths who’ll help secure their home once an order of protection has been obtained.
A safety plan is extremely important, as victims often need to escape in a hurry. You can help by offering her a place to store an extra set of clothes and any cash she can scrounge (financial abuse is a biggie with batterers). If you have an old cell phone lying around, give it to her. Even if it’s not in service, it’ll dial 911. Also suggest she make copies of important documents, like bank account information, social security cards, birth certificates and passports. But again, you should suggest, not demand. This is about helping your friend regain power over her life—it’s not an opportunity for you to run it.
Make no mistake—being a good friend to a battered woman isn’t always easy. Watching her go home to a man who treats her badly can be very frustrating—sometimes infuriating, even. But it’s important to always remember your priority in this situation—your friend. “It’s normal to have those feelings of frustration and to maybe take on some of what your friend’s going through,” Kim says. “But it’s important to not express that to your friend.” Vent to your shrink, a trusted friend, a parent—but realize that if dealing with you makes her feel more ashamed about her situation, it’ll only drive her deeper into the closet.
The battered woman in Jenny’s life eventually divorced her husband, but no thanks to their mutual friends. “People kept getting annoyed with me for ‘interfering,’” she recalls. Incredibly, Jenny was even called a snob by one friend who accused her of forcing her “feminist values” on an uninterested party! Jenny says, “My frustration, in the end, wasn’t with her, but with other people who wouldn’t help and were judging me for helping.”
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
tigerstripe
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 09:12 am: [report]
Something that I learned recently that fascinated me: The average length of time for abusive relationships to go on BEFORE they become abusive is 4 years. It’s easy for an outsider to say that they’d just walk away as soon as the abuse starts, but it’s not so easy to walk away from the kind of relationship that can be built up over 4 years.
People definitely need to stop judging and just be a real friend when a friend is needed most.
GAgirlinNYC
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 11:30 am: [report]
I was in a serious relationship for two years before the abuse started. By that point I had been isolated from my friends, family, church, you name it. They will cut you down and make you believe that no one else even cares about you “the way they do” and that is part of the reason you stay.
I volunteer at a group that runs a few shelters and a crisis phone. Besides telling someone that you’re not there to judge but to listen, the next most important thing is the safety plan. This was the number one thing we learned when I started training to volunteer. If a woman is going to go back to her abuser, you can’t stop her. What you can do, however, is to tell her to set up a plan in case it happens again and she needs a quick way out. Back the car in, keep the tank full of gas, hide a prepaid cell phone somewhere, and keep RX pills in your purse. That way, you don’t feel that you have to go back the next day because you left something important.
Okay, so I went on and on, but mainly, yes. It is so important to have friends that speak up. If it wasn’t for the few good friends that I knew I could call no matter what, I may still be stuck in that relationship.
Perceptible
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 01:19 pm: [report]
And there’s emotional abuse too. It’s not as obvious as physical abuse, either to outsiders or to the person who is being abused. I, too was in the marriage for years before the abuse started, and it was so gradual I didn’t even notice until the marriage fell apart and I got away…. after 10 years of marriage, more than half of it abusive! Now I’m just so glad I got out and will never let anyone treat me that way again, and I’m certainly more sensitive to others who may find themselves in a similar situation. No one has the right to make you feel worthless or “not good enough.” Abuse isn’t always physical or visible.
moonblossom
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 02:00 pm: [report]
@Perceptible - You are so right. I went through the same thing. My marriage started out pretty well. Seemed like things were going okay. At the end of 8 years I couldn’t believe my husband was the same man I had married. And not a bit of it was physical abuse…all emotional and financial.
bogart4017
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 02:21 pm: [report]
We just covered this late last month.
pornqueen
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 03:02 pm: [report]
I posted my experience on last month’s similar topic. Just being there for a friend who is in an abusive relationship is the best and only thing you could do. I remember my dearest friend on my darkest hours just looking at me and mumbling “call me, I’m here for you”... I cannot tell you how much that meant to me and how much it finally help me to get away. That’s exactly what I did when I was ready… I called her and she was right there! She has been there for me every single day. I learned from her that just sharing helps a great deal. It may not help you leave the mothereffer/a-hole soon enough but it will help you find the courage/strength do it. Also the more people know about the better chance you may have of ending this relationship sooner. Trust me on this!
Coral
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]
@pornqueen: I do think that sharing with others helps. It certainly helped me get over and leave the types of abuse I endured.
SISSY0378
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 06:52 pm: [report]
My sis is just getting back together with her abusive boyfriend. They have only been togther for 8 months. He has hit her twice and treats her son like total crap. Her son is scared to say anything to anyone. The abuser blew his stack a little over a week ago & my nephew called me crying, then his phone went dead. I drove as fast as I could to get over there. They all were fighting and this piece of crap started blaming her son & her family for him leaving her. So he left and we called a family meeting. My dad, brother, best friend, my nephews father & me. She came clean on everything. Then 5 days later he just happens to call her & has promised her the world. So guess what…. She back with him. She pretty much told him what WE all said about him so now we’re out. I feel so sick knowing what could happen to her or my nephew. But she just thinks we are butting into her life. She has told me to stay away from her & to never come around. But how can I? I just want to go to her house and start a fight just so his true colors come out. But I know it wont matter to her.
p.s. this guy hasnt worked in over 1 year and has sucked all his dead dads insurance money from his mom & has run through about 30,000 of his moms retirement since April of this year
majicksand
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
The day my ex-husband tossed me like a rag doll across two rooms of my house—in front of my kids, I threw him out. Once was enough. He had been emotionally abusive for a long time, but I put up with that. He had a great job, and I was a stay at home mom, with two sons to take care of.
Actually, they were what gave me the strength to end it right then. I knew that every word I had ever told my boys about how to treat a woman was a lie if I let my husband get away with hitting me.
When I told him to get out, he told me I couldn’t do that because he had all the money. My response? Watch me. I had the baby in one arm and the cordless phone in the other. I told him he could leave voluntarily or in handcuffs, but he WAS leaving.
He tried to smooth it over a few days later “for the kids”. I called my mom and asked what I should do. I wanted him gone for good, but I had no job and only about $1000 in my personal savings account.
BTW, I encourage all women to have an account solely in their name that no one else has access to, since we are the ones more likely to lose our income because we chose to stay home with the kids. Emergency money is good!
Anyway, thankfully, my mom had enough sense to tell me not to take him back if I didn’t want to. We’d work the financial stuff out. I’m not sure I could have stuck to my guns without that support.
I still don’t enjoy the financial security I had then, but my new husband and I are working on it, and my life is soooo much better/happier/safer without the jerk.
Thanks Mom!
Coral
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 01:09 pm: [report]
@majicksand: I agree with you about the separate bank accounts. And this isn’t directly pointed at you, but I also think it’s important for a woman to have an education and a job to be able to fall back on if she wants to be a stay-at-home mom in case something happens such as a divorce, abuse, etc. That way the woman can feel more independent, in charge, and capable of leaving in dire times.
majicksand
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
@Coral: Absolutely. The hard part is that sometimes jobs, especially ones that pay enough for a single mom to pay for bills and daycare are hard to find right away. Compound that with being out of the workforce for a few years, so your skills are out of date. Many employers will pay for classes to keep you up to date while you work for them, but they don’t volunteer to get you on track so you can.
Coral
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 02:17 pm: [report]
@majicksand: Yep. I could only imagine how hard it would be to get back into the workforce after having kids and staying home with them. I personally never want kids or to be married. But I want a long term, monogamous relationship with a guy. I just never want to feel legally bounded in a relationship by marriage because I always want to feel that I have the options of leaving, etc.