Dating Don’ts: Four Signs He’s Not The One
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Thursday August 27th 2009
OK, first of all, let me make it clear that I don’t believe in the concept of “the one.” I think each of us has more like the “top 40” or even “winning 100,” depending on how much ground you cover. But even in a world brimming with possibilities, at some point in our lives most of us have found ourselves infatuated with a guy who was just completely wrong for us. Not that he was necessarily a bad guy—he was just a dude we should’ve relegated to fling territory instead of fooling ourselves into thinking had long-term potential.
Here are a few factors that may give you a case of the stupids…
1. Timing
As the cliché goes, timing is everything, which is why it’s important to keep it in mind when you meet someone new after coming off a long dry spell or a truly horrendous relationship. Loneliness, fear of dying alone, and yes, desperation, can cloud a lady’s judgment more effectively than a six-pack and a blindfold. Take it from someone who wasted almost a year of her life trying to turn a nearly homeless alcoholic into boyfriend material. Sigh.
Clues: Your friends look vaguely alarmed and/or repulsed when you introduce them to your new man. Another is when you’re too embarrassed to even introduce him in the first place. (Hey, you might be desperate, but you’re not stupid.)
2. The Hotness Factor
Obviously, being attracted to the guy you’re dating is very important, but if a killer butt and a winning smile are all he has going for him, enjoy it while you’ve got it; just don’t try to turn it into love. It’s lust and there isn’t anything wrong with that
Clues: If you frequently find yourself tuning out when he’s prattling on about who knows what and instead daydreaming about how foxy he looked wearing nothing but your roommate’s towel this morning. Ditto if, after a week or two of dating, you’ve forgotten everything he’s ever told you, except that he has an identical twin brother who’ll be visiting in two weeks, four days and six-and-a-half hours.
3. Availability
It’s a sad truism that we all want what we can’t have, but some of us take it to a whole other level—constantly torturing ourselves over the otherwise engaged or the utterly uninterested. I’ve even known chicks that regularly fall for gay dudes, knowing full well it’s never going to happen. If you’re that into a challenge you’re either scared of getting into an actual relationship or you’re one psycho broad. Either way, you lose.
Clues: Your girlfriends no longer introduce you to their boyfriends. Your gay friends get nervous around you, if they bother coming around at all. Even your shrink openly rolls her eyes when you talk about your love life. Snap out of it, woman!
4. Booty Blinders
When women are sexually satisfied our bodies are flooded with a bonding hormone called Oxytocin. This means, the better a guy is in the sack, the more likely we are to think him awesome outside of the bedroom. Even when he’s not. As you might imagine, this can lead to confusion. “B-b-b-but we have such amazing chemistry—doesn’t that make us soul mates?” In a word: NO. Not necessarily anyway. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be bed mates for a while.
Clues: Your only conversations take place while both of you are naked and generally involve directions (“Over here!” “No, there!”) or indecipherable grunts and moans. Interactions outside the bedroom tend to be light on words, heavy on petting.
Like I said, none of these scenarios are necessarily negatives. In fact, some of them can be quite fun. It’s all about keeping things in perspective.
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bjoontheupside
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 10:06 am: [report]
Timing seems to always get me into trouble. I know already, (and have known for years) that my boyfriend and I aren’t meant to be together forever. Strangely enough, he knows I won’t marry him, yet sticks around anyway. Why haven’t I ended it yet? Well…it’s hard to say. I know how terrible it is to continue a relationship with someone that you don’t really want to be with, but then again, he’s staying too which I guess makes it what it is.
bogart4017
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 02:29 pm: [report]
Some women wear the availability factor like an expensive watch. Years ago the easiest way to meet women was to wear a wedding band. In some corners i know quite a few women who only sleep with married men. Some things just don’t change.
ginny
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 08:09 pm: [report]
Wow, #1 fit me to a tee for much of my early 20s. No car? Mattress on the floor? Don’t bathe? Call me! (One in particular had no phone—shocker—and had to leave chalk messages on the sidewalk in front of his apartment.) So glad THAT phase is over!!
secretsquirrel
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 09:09 am: [report]
I’m currently victim of #4. We talk, but really, we mostly just f***. And I’m ok with that now. I went through a period of “why can’t we be more?” But now, I’ve accepted we can’t and I’m keeping an eye out for the next guy who may be more suitable boyfriend material. Until he comes along though, this one is still the bedroom playmate. Heh.
Kia
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 12:54 pm: [report]
@ Ginny….me too girl. The more of a loser a guy was the more I wanted to date him. I don’t know how old you are but it seems my generation “X” all the girls did really well for themselves, good jobs, nice apartments, cars that work…but the guys were content for us to take care of them. I know the blame goes both ways because we put up with it but still. My mom, finally after a long stint of really loser guys, told me to stop bringing home “strays.” It was then I realized guys like that don’t change and me paying for them only made it worse. I’ve found guys younger or older seem to have it more together than my brothers of Gen X.
Terver7
wrote on August 30 2009 @ 10:41 am: [report]
I want to believe that women are more inteligent than men when it comes to the game of love relationship. I think it is even wiser to educate men to this matter.
Tart and Soul
wrote on September 1 2009 @ 10:03 am: [report]
Ouch, this hits home. If I had a quarter for every red flag that went up with the last guy I was into, I’d finally be able to pay off my student loans. Drugs, alcohol, joblessness, living with his parents. These were a few of his finer qualities.
Check out the post I wrote about the absurd “relationship” I had with this winner, called “Building the Perfect Boyfriend”: http://tartandsoul.com/2009/07/27/building-the-perfect-boyfriend/
mividavegan
wrote on September 1 2009 @ 07:36 pm: [report]
While I sorta agree with the timing issue, (current bf of 4 years was 2 months out of a really rough relationship when we started dating), I do believe it’s even better to give your relationship a chance to grow into something truly wonderful over time. So when you guys first start dating it might not seem like the most ideal time for one or either of you, but just relax and see where things go instead of worrying if he’s the “one”.
Girl_Friday
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 06:50 am: [report]
ginny: ROFL! You take the cake. My hat is off to you! But seriously, good for you that you’ve gotten over that phase
Antiquity
wrote on September 8 2009 @ 01:01 pm: [report]
@Tart: LMAO! So true about the quarters thing… Unfortunately.
@Kia: You have a good point- whats up with gen x guys being losers and the girls being successful? I think there should be studies done on that.
Currently I’ve got the issues of timing and availability (amongst other things- lol). I’ve got this great guy that wants me and he currently has a girlfriend. I don’t play the other woman so I’ve told him to call me when he ditches the other biz-nitch. haha.
magenta generation
wrote on September 8 2009 @ 07:14 pm: [report]
I am guilty to #‘s 1 and 4, the last guy I was with (almost 3 years ago now) was clearly NOT THE ONE. He was younger and completely clueless about communication better yet his own feelings towards me. He said he didn’t want a relationship yet wanted all the benefits without the commitment. I chose to deal with it because the sex was good, BIG MISTAKE! I ended up with my heart broken but I accept him for who he is: a fuggin douchebag! Worse, he has even tried to talk to me again and I completely ignored him like he doesn’t exist on this Earth; what’s the point? I’m over it and I know I will do so much better than him.
Iammina
wrote on September 13 2009 @ 07:13 pm: [report]
I love number ones clue, “your friends look alarmed and/or repulsed.” To which I replied, but he looked so much better on the football field under the helmet and in the tight pants.