Dating Don’ts: Four Reasons You’ll NEVER Get Dumped
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Thursday December 18th 2008
Writing about dating is my full-time job, so, naturally, I hear a lot of pretty deranged tales of love gone wrong. But last week I received a letter from a woman who was convinced that men wouldn’t go out with her because she was just too … beautiful.
She fully believed her breathtaking attractiveness was anything but a man-magnet—as one might expect. Instead, she said, her beauty acted as a Romeo-repellant, causing suitors to run screaming from her. Obviously, I explained the situation to her (perhaps it wasn’t her gorgeous outsides, but her narcissistic insides that were doing the damage), but it did get me to thinking about all the other ridiculous reasons that women—myself included—come up with when they get dumped.
The only kind of man who is put off by a kind, smart, beautiful woman with a great career and a fantastic smile is the kind of dolt you don’t want to be bothered with dating in the first place. However, these jerks are few and far between. Don’t blame your broken heart on his inability to handle your extreme fabulosity.
Along with being too beautiful, here are a few other qualities I guarantee nobody will ever break your heart over:
Too smart: I once had a friend who was convinced she couldn’t keep a boyfriend because she was too smart for the male population. She was positive her staggering intellect was turning them off. Uh, no. What drove the men away (and most of her female friends, as well) was the fact that she was mean. We’re talking stupendously cruel. Her definition of smart translated into cutting people down until they felt like the smallest person on earth. Not exactly a turn-on, no matter how cleverly it’s worded.
Too nice: Generally, I hear this one more from men, but women are guilty of it, too. (See also: Why Men Love Bitches and its sequel, Why Men Marry Bitches) Here, the problem is semantics. “Nice” is a desirable quality. Whereas “doormat,” “pantywaist,” and “milquetoast” are not. Far too many people mistake the latter for the former, and there’s a world of difference when it comes to dating. So, no, you’re not getting dumped because you’re too nice; you’re getting the heave-ho because you’re spineless.
Too good in bed: You’ve practiced Tantra, and you’ve never met a sexual position you wouldn’t try at least once. Yet men will get with you one time, and then you never hear from them again. You’re not getting dumped because of how well you do it, but because of how hard you try when you do it. Sex should be fun and relaxing—not an audition for the porn Olympics.
Too Intimidating: An amalgam of the “too smart”/”too beautiful” non-dilemma, these women think they keep getting blown off because they’re too accomplished, too employed, too gorgeous, too intellectual, too too. The only kind of man who is put off by a kind, smart, beautiful woman with a great career and a fantastic smile is the kind of dolt you don’t want to be bothered with dating in the first place. However, these jerks are few and far between. Don’t blame your broken heart on his inability to handle your extreme fabulosity. The fact of the matter is that nobody but a psycho is going to dump you be because you’re too perfect.
All this is not to say that his reasoning will make any sense if you do drag it out of him. It is to say that we ladies tend to overanalyze breakups. And while a little introspection is a good thing, a lot of introspection gets really boring, really fast. Onward!
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EastCoastMale
wrote on December 18 2008 @ 11:03 am: [report]
Ha, I find this article to be very informative and speaking the truth on pretty much all of the subtopics or reasons. I especially like and agree with the REAL reason if someone says men wont date them or are intimidated because they are too smart. It’s usually because of the fact that just saying your too smart for men means your full of yourself. So its not that a man couldn’t be around you for that false reasoning but rather a good chance that your condescending and pompous and he just doesn’t have a big enough supply of carrots to feed your high horse all day. =)
Fizzy
wrote on December 18 2008 @ 11:11 am: [report]
I wouldn’t want to date a man that I’m “too smart” for. If he couldn’t keep up with me intellectually than the relationship just wouldn’t be any fun. (So yes, I suppose that means I’d dump a guy for being “too dumb.”)
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 18 2008 @ 11:15 am: [report]
ouch miss lol
Rachel Kramer Bussel
wrote on December 18 2008 @ 11:17 am: [report]
Yes indeed on the overanalyzing especially with email. I’m so bad with that, I do much better reading people in person. (
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 18 2008 @ 11:20 am: [report]
Rachel, I agree. Even in texting its impossible to get the inflection of someones voice. A cute quip could become a major problem =)
Nice Eyes
wrote on December 18 2008 @ 11:56 am: [report]
The same goes for the other gender break ups. I recently broke up with my boyfriend due to him being spineless. :/
Fizzy
wrote on December 18 2008 @ 12:44 pm: [report]
That would be an interesting piece if there hasn’t been one on that, just what people’s major deal-breakers are.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 18 2008 @ 02:23 pm: [report]
Oh that would be both interesting and a long list I’m betting, if it addressed deal breakers for both sides, men and women. Nice, was there s specific instance that did it for you? without revealing too much if you don’t want obviously.
Carla Tara
wrote on December 19 2008 @ 02:27 pm: [report]
I love your blogs. They are really informative and well written.
I really agree that there is big different between being mean or bitchy and being a doormat, which some women confuse with “too nice” . The best way to be both with men and with women is to be considerate and genuine: I would call that Nice. In Tantra we would call it coming from the Heart, and have clear intellect and a strong sense of self-esteem and communicate with gentleness.
Checkers
wrote on December 21 2008 @ 11:44 pm: [report]
I’ve got a friend that falls into the “too smart” category. What I find utterly amusing about her apparent intellectual prowess is her complete lack of self awareness. Stupendously mean is exactly how I would describe her - and she has no clue she comes off this way, or at least thinks it is acceptable to make people feel small and petty. Not surprisingly she has yet to have one drama free relationship…and obviously, the ups and downs are never a reflection of her…always the “spineless doormat” she’s dating.
eatmybook
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 10:59 am: [report]
My relationship was just ended by me, but he did tell me that I was too aggressive sexually and it put him off. What he meant by that, too, was that by indicating I wanted to have sex, it put him under pressure and he couldn’t perform. He told me to pretend I didn’t want it.
I did for awhile, but it started making me feel like a lust-crazed freak, lying there willing him to make the move.
So what’s that? Too Macho?
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 11:11 am: [report]
Him wanting to have to pretend like you dont want it you mean? is it too macho for him to want that?,,,, I definitely can see how that would be a bit difficult if you truly were in the mood and had to “beat around the bush” so to speak about what you wanted.
eatmybook
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 11:26 am: [report]
It was too impossible. It’s not like I was leaping on him the minute he walked in the door. Not always. But we had a long distance thing and so after not seeing him for two months, I wanted to get intimate!
And it took him awhile to let me know this and so I kept thinking back to all the times I nudged and cuddled and whispered in his ear and sidled up against him and and and and ... felt like some kind of an alley cat.
I was shamed enough just afterwards to truly NOT want to make the first move, but then the whole “game” thing got boring. I don’t mind games as a rule, but I want them to be acknowledged as games. Anyway, there were other problems too, but that was the final straw.
Is is a virgin thing? Control? I have a friend who was told the same thing by a guy, that she was “too into sex.”
Carla Tara
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 12:42 pm: [report]
You did the right thing to end the relationship. This man needs some Tantra lessons to discover that lovemaking is not about performing sexually. It is about being present to the essence and the energy build-up between woman and man. Men who are intimidated are not macho, they are just scared.
Faking not to want sex is not helping you or the man. I’m glad you moved on.
Meiliken
wrote on December 23 2008 @ 09:09 am: [report]
I can say that there are times when a person some of those reasons can indeed be true. I’ve been married twice, both of which failed. My first marriage failed because she was a recovering drug addict, and found that she couldn’t stay away from certain drugs. Her reasoning was that I deserved better than her, that I was too good for her. My 2nd marriage failed because she was a nurse. This one saying honestly that due to her being around people for so long in pain, she separated herself from emotion, and therefore lost her ability to feel such. Indeed anything she said that would indicate emotion was said in a tone that was devoid of emotion. Her communication skills were not very good in that she wouldn’t talk much. I loved both women, and truly treated them fantastically. Both had agreed that I’d done nothing wrong, and I myself analyzed everything and couldn’t see myself having done anything wrong either. So I accepted what they said. So sometimes, yes, one can be too good. But then I get mad, because it is not up to another to determine the kind of person I fall in love with. It is my choice. I’m not perfect. But I know I deserve what I choose.
mimimimimi
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 02:42 pm: [report]
I think you’re being a little too hard on the “beautiful” letter-writer. You assume she’s narcissistic, but maybe she really is especially beautiful. (Unless you have some inside info on her looks.) While beauty is in the eye of the beholder, comes from within, isn’t what makes a woman hot, and all that…there are some women who everyone agrees are especially beautiful. Men react to their beauty, women react to it. These women would have to be really stupid to not notice that they have a especially high allotment of beauty. Still, they are expected to play dumb and act as if they don’t know it, even as they observe that it changes their experience of life, mostly for the better but also in some ways for the worse. Society’s obsession with beauty is obviously going to affect them. I think it’s interesting to hear about what it’s like to be especially beautiful. But I also doubt that any man would break up with her for being beautiful. They might be afraid to ask her out, but once they had her, her beauty wouldn’t be a reason for them to break up with her.
wonderfultonight
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 06:46 pm: [report]
@eatmybook - it seems you two were not too compatible sexually. While it is often believed that men have the stronger sex drive, I know more women who would like more sex in their relationship. Glad you moved on. There is a guy out there waiting for someone like you.
wonderfultonight
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 07:17 pm: [report]
On being dumped because a woman is “too smart” - if she’s always telling him how much smarter she is, I can understand the guy wanting out.
But most women want a man who is intelligent and great to be with once they are out of the sack, so maybe they would do the opposite - dump a guy because he was not smart enough. I, myself, was once in a short relationship with a guy who was great in bed, good-looking and thrilled that I enjoyed most sports. Unfortunately, he was not very bright and not interested in anything but reciting the sports news. I am someone who loves learning new things, meeting new people, read a geat deal, and want someone who can carry on a conversation. So I did break off with him and one could accuse me of dumping him because he was not intelligent enough. And I’m sure it saved both of us a lot of unhappiness if we had stayed together.
thickasawhaleomelette
wrote on July 24 2009 @ 11:42 pm: [report]
@wonderfultonight: I think you make a great point about being with someone whose intellectual interests match your own. However, that could really be said for any of these categories. Will someone actually break up with you because you’re much too beautiful? Nope. But if your kind of beauty is based on a sculpted body, exacting, trendy makeup, and fabulous style while his appreciation of beauty favors women with frizzy hair who don’t miss their grocery store mascara when they go on month long backpacking trips, well, saying that you’re too beautiful might be a nice way of stating an obvious aesthetic incompatibility.
Again, there’s room for that in all of these categories. I think the point is that if you match in one of these areas, that’s not going to be the cause for the end of your relationship.
driftingfocus
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 02:09 pm: [report]
While I agree in general, it’s not 100% true. I have been told by guys that I am often too intimidating and self confident. Now, those guys aren’t the type I’d want to be with anyway, but it does happen - there is still a significant portion of the male population who is intimidated by a stong woman.