Dating Don’ts: Four New Year’s Relationship Resolutions To Avoid

Do you know anyone who keeps their New Year’s resolutions? Or even remembers them after January 15? I sure don’t. Most of us vow to lose weight, quit drinking, or cut up those credit cards. But some of us make relationship-related resolutions, and that’s what we’re here to talk about. After the jump are four resolutions. One of the four is valid; the other three are less so. Let’s see if you can tell which is which.

He’s definitely, without a doubt, going to leave his wife this year. Well, next year. January’s a bad month because everyone’s recovering from the holidays, and February—well, you can’t expect him to leave her on Valentine’s Day, can you?

1. I’m going to change him. You discovered he had bad breath on the first date,  he stole your roommate’s identity on the third, gave you Chlamydia on your fifth, and yet you remain convinced he has “great potential.” So you buy him some breath mints, bail him out of jail, and keep your cupboard stocked with powerful antibiotics. Because you know that one day soon he’s going to turn over a new, non-gassy, non-thieving, non-infectious leaf, and you wanna be there to issue the I-told-you-so’s to your friends, family and acquaintances. This will be the year it happens.

2. I’m going to make him love me. You almost believe yourself as you tell him you didn’t want a boyfriend anyway, as he burns rubber from your apartment the morning after. Almost, but not quite. Friends with benefits is one thing, but secretly you want this one to be something more. If only you were thinner/hotter/blonder, you know he’d fall for you. But until you lose enough weight, grow big enough breasts, and bleach the heck out of your hair, you’ll stand on the sidelines smiling as he hits on your friends and continue to take his 3 a.m. booty calls. Because someday soon, he will love you. He will!

3. He’s totally going to leave his wife for me. He’s never felt this way about anyone before! The sneaking around is hurting him more than it’s hurting you. You know these things because he told you so. No way would he ever lie to you. The two of you have something different, something special. To prove it, he’s definitely, without a doubt, going to leave his wife this year. Well, next year. January’s a bad month because everyone’s recovering from the holidays, and February—well, you can’t expect him to leave her on Valentine’s Day, can you? March is no good because she’s Irish, and he can’t ruin their annual St. Patty’s day bash … But come April … once the taxes are filed …

4. I’m going to quit being a sucker for men this year. No more otherwise-engaged guys, no more men who treat you horribly, and nobody you have to hide your wallet from every time you leave the room. You will only date men who know the difference between “you’re” and “your,” will bathe regularly, laugh at your jokes, think you look cute without any makeup on, and cheerfully pick up tampons on their way over to your house. Even when you ask for super-sized