Online Dating Ads To Avoid

Dating Dont’s: Five Online Dating Types To Avoid

Posted by: Judy McGuire Filed in: relationships
10:00AM, Thursday January 1st 2009

Your passive-aggressive aunt bought you a Match.com subscription for Christmas. While your first impulse was to hit her with a brick, you’ve always been curious about online dating. “What the heck?” you figure. “I’ll write an ad and take a look around.” But when you’re on your own in virtual reality, the search for computer-generated love can be daunting. Here are the top online dating types to avoid.

Torso Tosser: This dude is super proud of his abs — or at least the photo of Brad Pitt’s abs that he’s pretending are his—yet he refuses to show his face. This means one of three things: he’s married, otherwise engaged, and/or doesn’t want his wife’s/girlfriend’s friends busting him cheating. Or maybe he’s unapologetically searching for someone to have a purely physical relationship with and wants a woman who feels the same way (which is fine, but don’t expect flowers or romance from this guy). The other possibility? His face is so hideous, it would melt a camera lens. Whichever the case may be: Next!

Kliché King: He’s “tired of the bar scene,” doesn’t like “game-players,” never met a “long walk on the beach” that he didn’t enjoy or a sunset that didn’t make him weep with joy. He firmly believes beautiful flowers grow from stinky cow dung and is as comfortable in a worn pair of jeans as he is in a tuxedo. If you’re OK with spending an evening with someone whose idea of wooing you is advising you to make lemonade out of his lemons, you’re a match made in heaven. Otherwise, keep on clicking.

Carpet Bomber: These guys aren’t looking for someone special. They’re looking for someone. Anyone. They cast a wide net, sending out winks and notes to anything remotely female in their path. Consequently, their messages tend to read as if they’ve been written by a dull-witted robot:

Dear [Your Profile Name Here],
You are a beautiful lady that I want to know better. Please meet me for coffee or cocktails. I am free today.
Looking forward to your response.
John Q. Public

Ayn Rand Fan: The kind of guy who lists The Fountainhead as his favorite book is telling you something. He probably works in finance. The last book he read was The Fountainhead and that was in ninth grade when we all had to read it. He’s likely a selfish jerk who’s overly concerned with buck-making and under-concerned with anyone who’s less fortunate than himself. Charming!

Finicky Freak: Even though he’s 45, he’s only interested in women between 18 and 27. Miss Right must possess naturally red hair (shoulder length or longer, please) and a full C-cup. He’s somewhat flexible with his height requirement—as long as you’re between 5’5” and 6’—but you absolutely cannot weigh over 110 pounds, regardless of your height. If you want to be his girlfriend/doormat, you must have at least a BA—preferably an MBA—but not a PhD (because that would mean you’re smarter than him). You must enjoy working out (often), skipping meals, and laughing at his (no doubt humor-free) jokes. Run in the other direction.

comments

cjmar
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]

Another possibility of the Torso is he’s gay. My gay friends have shown me lots of dating site photos and all you see is a chiseled torso!

Diana Vilibert
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 03:19 pm: [report]

DancerNinja—I think we’ve been dating the same guys. I’m 5’1 and went on a date with a guy who said he was 5’10 in his profile. His actual height. 5’1. Seriously, did he think I wouldn’t notice that he was exactly my height and almost a foot shorter than he said he was?

thefamousames
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 04:09 pm: [report]

You forgot one: the perpetual e-mailer. After 40 e-mails, I now know he has a dalmatian, has an adorable niece and nephew (named Anne and Davis), and brushes his teeth with a tube of Crest whitening toothpaste with baking soda every morning, but I don’t know his damn eyes are blue because I’ve never seen him. Next!

Mid-West_Fella
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 05:42 pm: [report]

Just my two cents about the “Kliché King” type; not all of those things should be red flags, perhaps if they’re used togeather, then I understand that its probably a bit of a strech. Just bear in mind that not every guy on the planet is into sports, beer, and whatever the hell else it is men have for stereotypical interests.

BlueVibe
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 08:33 am: [report]

They forgot the Sci-Fi/Fantasy Freak. I swear I have NEVER met so many sci-fi fans in my life as I did once I put a profile on an online dating site. Apparently the only guys who read, read Tolkein.

groovygirl
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 06:20 pm: [report]

Here’s my take on the online dating thing…If a guy says his “perfect first date” involves a candle-lit dinner or walk on the moon-lit beach, etc., to me, this says he cannot be creative and think of something fresh. He’s just as comfortable wearing a tux or jeans/tee? Oh, please…the only time my X wore a tux was when we got married or went to a few other black tie weddings! If he says, “no games”, hello…of course it’s a game! I’d rather call it a “dance” when in you’re in that “getting to know you” mode. So many profiles (men and women) all say “I want honesty, trust, communication, etc.” Isn’t that all a given, no matter what the circumstances are how people meet whether it’s online or thru friends?

cutebutnotcocky
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 01:04 am: [report]

We’ll people can say what they want about men on-line, the women are just as crazy. I was mooned on a date once in San Diego. The woman’s pictures were 20 years old, but I was a gentleman, and persevered through the date. After she got drunk, and invited me to her house, and I rejected her, she got up and said “this is what your missing,” and pulled her pants down. Classy. Families around our table were mortified. She was stopped by the restaraunt manager and held because the families wanted to press charges. She was arrested for public intoxication and lewd conduct. Here everyone is talking about Sci/Fi Klingon stuff, and I’m a handsome successful, gentleman who was mooned, so there. If you all want more stories, I’ve got hundreds more to share.

Frederica Bimble
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 08:34 am: [report]

The torso is definitely more a gay thing. Also, the Carpet Bombers are the ones I find most offensive. I was on myspace for the music scene and made it clear on my profile I was there to look for work and creative endeavours with others. No mention of looking for love or romance, yet the only emails I got were from lonely hearts - especially the Carpet Bombers - who would send me emails with stale one liners or time wasting “tips.” It was such a waste that I ended up deleting my account.

foxxxyrae
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 04:49 pm: [report]

I feel I must add the “wordy” guys to this category. I made the huge mistake of using a dating site once and recieved a four paragraph rant on how beautiful I was (I couldn’t help but think…is he blind??) then proceeded to tell me how I am so intelligent and there needs to be more woman like me. I thought to myself…c’mon man! How could you possibly tell from an internet dating profile?