Dating Don’ts: How Not To Talk About Money, Honey
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Thursday February 19th 2009
It seems that all anyone is talking about lately is the economy, so why is money still such a tough topic to discuss with your nearest and dearest? They say married couples fight over money more than anything else, but what about when you just started dating? That’s possibly even more awkward.
The First Date
Though Dr. Phil feels otherwise, my take on this has always been he (or she) who asks, pays. (The bloviating shrink says men should always be the ones to pony up.) And if you don’t pay for the whole thing, you should at least offer to split the tab. Incredibly (to me), most women I spoke to thought I was an idiot and firmly believed the dude should always pay on a first date—though for some this was a recent change of heart.
Kate, a 33-year-old writer told me, “I tend to try to pay for myself, but as I get older and more comfortable with my awesomeness, I kind of wish and hope that the other person will be a little more old-fashioned about it.” Good point. If someone’s eating opposite Amazing Me, shouldn’t she or he pay for the privilege? After all, I’m entertaining and cute and if you let me order dessert there may be some smooching in your future.
Regardless of your feelings on the matter, whatever you do, don’t leave the house without enough money to pay for at least your share. It’s a first date so while he may seem great (and generous) on paper, you never really know what you’re getting into until he’s sitting across from you. Sure, he might be staring adoringly deep into your eyes, but then again, his pants might be held up with duct tape. Do you really want to count on that dude to know the meaning of “gratuity?”
What to say: “That’s so generous of you—can I at least leave the tip?”
What not to say: “This princess doesn’t pay for food!”
Dates Two-Thru-Six
Jennifer Kelton, CEO and founder of BadOnlineDates.com, has built a business on bad dating behavior. She explains her thoughts on the money issue: “While it’s not expected, Let’s face it—we are hardwired to want the man to ‘bring back dinner to the cave.’” Up until my current relationship, I’ve almost always been in the driver’s seat finance-wise (and believe me, that’s a pretty meager seat) so I’ve always furnished my own cave.
I ask her if it’s okay to date a guy just for a free ride or free grub? Kelton says no. “Being cheap is never attractive and I would say that after more than four dates the woman should pay the tip.” Whoa! Just the tip? Apparently the women who called me a moron were onto something!
However, if you’re going to keep riding the free-food express, the least you can do is surreptitiously feel out his money situation—if he’s hurting, suggest cheaper restaurants or maybe cook for the guy.
What to say: “That’s so generous of you—can I at least leave the tip?”
What not to say: “Let’s have the 2000 Perrier-Jouet, since this one’s on you!”
Dates Six-Thru-Infinity
Up until the two of you really get to know each other, there’s probably not going to be any urgent need to discuss finances in depth, but he can’t keep buying you steak and foie gras dinners if he’s on a cheeseburger and fries budget. For all you know, you’re out-earning him or he’s supporting 12 Guatemalan orphans and is stretched to the breaking point. Then again, maybe he’s a gazillionaire.
At about Date Six (possibly sooner if they’re really eventful dates!), you should be getting to know a lot about every part of him—including his wallet. There’s no right or wrong way to approach this discussion, but just remember, financial compatibility is almost as important as sexual chemistry, though rarely as much fun.
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Kiki T
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 12:03 pm: [report]
so true, why is that as I get older, I expect to be wined and dined more…for me, having mostly been the one in my past relationships that had more cash on hand, I was always up for the splitting of costs, but these days, I want a guy who has his it together enough to be able to pay. not to say my wallet is closed tight, but having the $ be a minimal issue is a beautiful thing.
stacey nguyen
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
im with the folks who say that the ask-er pays for herself or himself and the ask-ee.
but i get this from my mom who was dating for a awhile, i try to pay for the first date and then have them pay the next time around, so he’s not feeling pressure of having to pay for me all the time, but still knows that he’ll be taking care of me next time. (of course, this is all assuming i like the guy in the first place )
Humble Bee
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 02:06 pm: [report]
I got this from my dad who tells me to always pay for myself, and never rely on anyone. I have also always taken the “drivers seat” financially in relationships, it kind of forces them to do better for themselves and to earn more. I like a partner who is financially equal as me, you never have any suprises with them, you know they always have their things covered and dates are always a breeze. My current bf is a broke as$, he’ll offer to pay for dinner, and I will always say NO, ‘i’ll pay my share’. (I have money because I save it!) So I order something cheap off the menu for myself, then he’ll order $50 steak! In the end, he barely has enough to pay for both of us, (I then tip) and wait, this is the best part, he then asks me for gas money because he spent it all on dinner. He drives a truck that fills up with $80 and his sh*t is ALWAYS empty. Needless to say, we’re freaking over, so he is an Ex now.
joyy
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 02:16 pm: [report]
dang HumbleBee! My mom always taught me to have enough cash on my to cover myself (and a cab home just in case, which is funny because she grew up and raised us in the sticks where no one takes taxis ...). I’m in with the whoever asks for the date pays - but in the spirit of fairness you should switch off. If he insists on making reservations somewhere spendy knowing you can’t afford it, that’s a different story.
Nowadays I try to keep cash on me, but it’s not a huge deal since I *do* always have my wallet on me, and now that I’m out of college and working, it has been a VERY long time since my bank account couldn’t handle any dinner for two - and most places take plastic.
The bf makes quite a bit more than I do, but we still go back and forth on paying for meals. He’s conscious of the difference though - he doesn’t squeal “your turn!” and drive to the spendiest place in town. OTOH, my ex was consistently unemployed and broke. I understand times get hard for everyone at least at SOME point, but when you don’t even have the drive and motivation to TRY to support yourself at all in any way, *that* is a dealbreaker.
slip
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 08:24 pm: [report]
Posters, you strike me as reasonable, strong, confident, independent women.
Judy, you’re setting yourself up for dates who say, “Not sleeping with me after I bought dinner is just like stealing.” If you’re so Amazing that men have to pay to be around you, then you’re not dating Amazing men, are you? If you were, then by your own standard you’d offer to at least go Dutch.
Look, the first date is a test. Offer to split the tab and you pass, although I’d never take you up on it. Don’t offer and there won’t be a second date.
Whether the venue is swanky or skanky, it’s not about money. It’s about willingness to pull your share of the load.
That’s what keeps things going long-term.
Slip
retro chic
wrote on February 23 2009 @ 01:03 pm: [report]
hey “slip"pery one… I really like that idea… Sharing The Load. Like, splitting a tab based on income not just the bill. Factor in our date prep that men dig and benefit from, too. Right? Speaking of “tests,” we love them… so be sure to bring the results of your blood tests and college test scores before “coming to the table.” Fair’s fair, babe.