Dating Don’ts: Dealing With Holiday Hell
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Thursday November 12th 2009
I realize it might seem a little early to start talking about the holidays, but as my local drugstore pulled out the tinsel and Santa hats before they’d even had time to put away the slutty nurse costumes and plastic pumpkins, I figured I’d get a jump on the season.
Whether you’re a sassy single lady or one-half of a love muffin; if you go home for them, holidays are a very special kind of hell. This week we’ll tackle some of the issues you might face and how you might deal with them without resorting to pie-throwing or sneaking off to the basement with the bottle of cooking sherry.
I’m Supposed To Eat That?!
When I go to my Greek boyfriend’s family home, there is inevitably a little something called kokoretsi on the menu. This dish consists of lamb hearts, bowels, spleens and lungs—all charred on a skewer. (I can’t even type that without gagging a little.) Normally I’d advise taking a small portion of whatever freaky food you’re offered, but my guy’s family has a sense of humor about their entrails, so I’ve been excused. You might not be. In the interest of not hurting anyone’s feelings, just take what you’re offered and eat around it. (If you’re a vegetarian or cursed with food allergies, I suggest bringing a hearty side of something so you don’t starve to death. Just in case!)
I’m Supposed To Answer That?!
What family gathering would be complete without someone asking a highly inappropriate question or ten? Whether it’s “Aren’t you too old to be single?” or “When are you going to give us grandbabies?” forewarned is forearmed. Imagining the worst-case scenarios (and formulating your withering replies) before you even arrive will not only take the sting out of their insult, it’ll save you from smacking yourself in the forehead hours later when you finally figure out what you should’ve said.
The Kids’ Table
No matter how old you are, there’s something about returning to casa de parents that can turn even the most sophisticated someone back into a surly teenager. While it’s embarrassing to catch yourself acting like a five-year-old, it’s a stone-cold turnoff to witness your man candy reverting back to the last kid picked for dodgeball. So, no matter whose house you’re hitting, work out a pre-arranged set of signals for “get over here now” and “quit embarrassing me.”
Relatively Ridiculous
You know that old trope that you can pick your friends, but you’re stuck with the idjits from whence you sprang? (I’m paraphrasing here.) What to do when these people who share nothing but your last name—and maybe your cowlick—start spouting off nonsense you find abhorrent? My advice is to choose your battles and choose them wisely. Uncle Tommy’s racist tirades obviously demand a smackdown, but do you really need to yell at your well-meaning granny for nagging you about temple attendance? Probably not.
Family Feud
Take any large group of people, add a couple decades of baggage, several tumblers of scotch, and a veiled barb or two, and at some point during the day you’re going to have yourself a situation. Whether it’s his house or yours, do not get dragged into a turkey-dinner throw-down. As soon as you get a hint that drumsticks are about to start flying, excuse yourself. Who’s going to argue with a bathroom visit? Or stop the go-getter who’s decided to go make the fresh whipped cream to put on the pie? If worse comes to worst, you can always clutch your belly and claim period cramps. That one always works for my sister.
Then again, you could always do the sane thing ... unplug the phone, pull down the shades, and enjoy some delicious takeout.
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A.J.R.
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 10:15 am: [report]
Not long after we got married, my awesome aunts gave the wife and me some comebacks for the inevitable barrage of “WHEN BABIES?!?!?!” interrogation. Some of my favorites:
“Beats us! We’re going at it three times a day already. Got any pointers?”
“Actually, my wife was born without a vagina.”
Always a fun conversation. Luckily my sister has thrown herself into the breach and given the family multiple toddlers to drool over.
ladyredlocks
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
Lol! I love that first comeback! Hilarious! That would be sure to make the room go silent!
lawyrgrl
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]
Personally I could live without the holidays. I fantasize about escaping to a country that has never heard of pilgrims or St. Nick. Thanksgiving and Christmas in my family were always times of serious alcohol fueled violence. I separated myself permanently from them but have never developed a feel for the holidays. All I really feel is how different I am from everyone else. Even when I was married and spent the holidays with my husband’s family it was awkward and forced, quite possibly due to the fact that we did not spend alot of time with them at other times in the year. The vast majority of the holidays I spend alone. It is just easier that way. I have tried volunteering and joining in with friends but that makes it much more painful. Maybe someday I will have a family that I am close to and the holiday thing will happen organically but I really doubt it. At 43 I have pretty much resigned myself to doing my best to ignore the whole thing rather than dwelling on how left out I feel.
meredith806
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 06:27 pm: [report]
oh god. Our first holiday season together was..err..humorous. My family is catastrophic without adding a boyfriend to the mix. We cannot CAN NOT get through one dinner without a fight, 90% of the time this “fight” escalates to a full on screaming match between two of my relatives. And I am the official family referee. If I do not break it up, ear drums may be harmed. So combine this with the fact that my family also has no shame in asking completely inappropriate questions..you get pure entertainment. My grandmother used the lovely icebreaker of “so would you like to have children?” He was a.mazing. I’ve never known anyone else that has handled my family so..perfectly haha
og217
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 09:33 am: [report]
No family this year, thank God! No parents, no brats, no drunken almost-divorced aunt and uncle squabbling, none of it! (For those interested in how this is accomplished, I suggest moving to the other side of the planet. $1200 plane tickets keep everyone away and provide an excellent excuse not to go). This year, just my husband and I and friends we chose to invite for Thanksgiving, yay!
joyy
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 09:54 am: [report]
I’m firmly in the “not going to bother” camp. I’m pretty indifferent to holidays anyway and have no desire to drop hundreds of dollars and my precious vacation time to be around my ignorant, racist family. I still have no plans for either upcoming holiday, and that’s fine with me. Sometimes we road trip to camp with friends; might stay where I am this year and hang with my other cross-country transplant friends and cook for them instead.
Kate134
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
... Work part-time for extra money at a retail store it pre-empts being forced to go home for the holidays. HAHAHHAAAAA! no tense moments listening to my soon to be divorced aunt and uncle THIS year!
equnsuocha
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 05:37 pm: [report]
I miss my family at the holidays but I get my boyfriends wonderful father, obnoxious “Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me” witch of a step mother and her brood of dysfunctional children instead. I only have to suffer for Xmas and I plan to be sick this year. Step Mommy Dearest is an awful cook and I am not so when I told my boyfriend I like to cook for Thanksgiving and gave him the menu he quickly 86’s the plan to have dinner there. Even better I dont have to go at all because I am home “cooking”. Every recipe I have ever come up with takes no more than 10 mins of prep and then I am done
Aint life grand?
Knitter79
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 08:47 pm: [report]
I’ve been doing the holidays alone for the past couple of years. The excuse for two years ago was being only a few weeks post-breakup and not wanting to be around my sister and her ‘perfect’ life. Last year I just didn’t want to travel anywhere. My family tends to make their plans and then expect me to join in because I have no ‘family’ of my own. The guilt from my mom was obnoxious but still better than driving four hours each way to be around people that inevitably make me feel like crap.
This year for Thanksgiving I planned a beach vacation with my man. (it was also a good way to let my family know we’re together…to answer all the weird questions I’ve been getting about him) No one has mentioned Christmas yet so I’m thinking I’ll stay home alone again. There’s been talk of a trip for New Year’s which would give me more ammunition to lay low for Christmas.
stormygirl
wrote on November 14 2009 @ 04:57 am: [report]
Ipersonally hate the holidays. I repeat, I HATE the holidays. Something always bad, bizzare, and ridiculous happens to me. Especially on Thanksgiving and Christmas. The sulotion to the family gathering is do what I did, I live on the west coast 2000 miles away. Yay! The last time I was home near the holidays, was when my daughter was a baby (she’s 30 now) and my husband and I were at my folks house, my Aunt took it upon herself to tell me that the way I was feeding my daughter was wrong, (I was breastfeeding her) so she was basically telling me I knew NOTHING about feeding my own child. Very festive. My aunt is 900 years old. If you take out a pot, mix in some family issues, about two bottles of alcohol, bring to arapid boil, you will have yourself a major situation in about an hour. Add seasoning according to taste. Believe me if I can sleep through the holidays and wake up the day after New Years, that would be so cool. The holidays have this way of taking any situation and amplifying it to the 10th power.
writergirl
wrote on November 14 2009 @ 06:36 am: [report]
I’ve given up. No matter what I do, no one is happy. Not my mother, not my husband. I would love to tell them all to go screw themselves and spend the holiday by myself closed up in a hotel room with my laptop and several books.
But reality is reality. So I plan on being drunk.
draymond
wrote on November 14 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
Yes I know that family holidays can be absurd real time dramas. You may dread them. But I will let you in on something.
Someday, sooner than you will ever want, your grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles will be gone. Most of your siblings will be far away, and possibly your nieces, nephews, and even your own children. And the one thing you will yearn for the most will be those big family gatherings, complete with unfamiliar dishes, odd childhood reversions, bizzare rants, arguments, and awkward questions from people who care but are a bit too curious for comfort.
So while all of the above advice is good I would add one more. Whatever happens, cherish it.
Kiki T
wrote on November 14 2009 @ 01:19 pm: [report]
“Who’s going to argue with a bathroom visit?”
ha ha ha ha that is me at my family visits…or thank god for TV!
secretnames
wrote on November 14 2009 @ 02:11 pm: [report]
Oh man, It never fails at my boyfriends house for the majority of them to drunk. Plus his sister goes out of her way to trip, shove, curse, and demand I drop dead at every family function. Gotta love the holidays. We always agree that we have plans at my families house so when the fight starts gearing up we can head out.
majicksand
wrote on November 14 2009 @ 05:00 pm: [report]
Am I the only one left who doesn’t hate spending the holidays with family? Mine drives me nuts, but I love them anyway. I just look at dodging the landmines as part of the fun.
draymond
wrote on November 15 2009 @ 02:48 pm: [report]
@majicksand…no you are not the only one. Re-read my comment.
writergirl
wrote on November 15 2009 @ 02:53 pm: [report]
I used to enjoy spending holidays with family. Then my mother turned it into a competition…that’s not the right word—I dunno—she got bitchy about it and endeavored to make my life miserable. If it wasn’t for her, it would be GREAT!
dsedwards12
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 07:24 am: [report]
I can’t believe how much people take their families for granted. I’ll take drunken uncles, screaming brats, and awkward questions about my relationships over sitting in an AT&T phone trailer in Iraq listening to the soldier next to me cry because he’s missing his kid’s first christmas. At least you get to be with your families. This is the time to be thankful. No wonder the holidays have no magic in them anymore. Merry F-ing Christmas.
chucky lou
wrote on November 17 2009 @ 10:07 am: [report]
@dsedwards12
Amen! I couldn’t agree with you more!! Half the fun of the holidays is watching all the drama. Then you can go home and be thankful that you are normal!
SLA
wrote on November 18 2009 @ 09:03 am: [report]
Two thoughts/suggestions…
1.
When asked “when” we’re going to have kids, my husband and I just reply with “not this year” and leave it at that. Surprisingly people will shut up after that and maybe even giggle a little.
2.
I hate family gatherings and find the holidays way more stressful than necessary. When we are forced to attend these things, my husband I like to take a lesson from the penguins in the movie Madagascar - Just smile and wave!