Dating Don’ts: Trying To Change A Man Is A Waste Of Time
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Thursday September 17th 2009
A gaggle of girlfriends and I were sitting around drinking beer and bitching about our crappy love lives one late night when my buddy Marguerite shared something a wise relative had once told her: “The three most dangerous words a woman can say are ‘He has potential.’” Maybe I’m not very bright, but that stopped me in my tracks. How many times had I overlooked the bouquet of red flags a guy had been holding in front of his face and, instead of seeing the actual person, saw what he might turn into? The answer is too many.
At the time I was dating a severely depressed vegan with a drinking problem. He didn’t shower often (which was made 10 times worse by his fondness for pleather) and lived in a situation so squalid he forbade me to see it, lest I dump him immediately. Vegan Drunky had pretty blue eyes and was pleasant enough, but he had absolutely zilch in the way of any practical ambition.
He was in a band (saw that coming, didn’t you?), which would be fine except that he couldn’t sing, play guitar, or write a decent song—and he was in charge of all three. Then there was his film “career.” I’m not even going to get into that except to say it was as illusory as his musicianship.
Yet, I fully believed that by hanging out with me, he’d cheer up, ditch the bad band, get a real job, start bathing regularly, and quit drinking. Of course, this was completely ridiculous (not to mention egotistical), but by focusing all my efforts on his issues, I had the added bonus of taking my mind off my own very real problems.
He wasn’t just a boyfriend; he was a project. While I spent hours fretting over his lack of health insurance, I was too busy to consider my own stunted career. Being angry about his drinking distracted me from the fact I hadn’t worked out in years. See where I’m going?
I’m far from the only woman guilty of dating with an eye to change. I heard about one enterprising young lady who decided that though her man was quite happy with his career, it wasn’t quite prestigious enough for her. To make her point, every morning she handed him the “Help Wanted” section of the paper—with all the listings she’d deemed appropriate circled in red marker.
How did he react? How would you have reacted? He dumped her and presumably picked up with someone who looked at him as a person, not as some thing in need of fixing.
The aforementioned Marguerite had married her man with potential. By the time she shared this pearl of wisdom, he’d wrecked their finances and broken her heart several dozen times. She’d finally had enough and decided to divorce him.
There are a lot of theories on why we often date men whom we just want to overhaul. Maybe it’s low self-esteem that causes us to feel unworthy of someone who’s a challenge. Or perhaps it’s an unrealized mommy fixation and a yearning to be needed. Then again, maybe it’s just easier to try to fix someone else instead of taking a long hard look at what’s wrong with yourself.
I eventually came to my senses, dumped Vegan Drunky, and got my butt back into therapy. As for him? Well, mutual friends report that he literally cleaned up his act—he kept up with the showering (that was the only change I was successful with) and eventually even quit drinking.
And while we’re both much better off apart, I find it a little annoying that he waited until after we broke up to quit with the boozing. Though he is still in that wretched band.
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_jsw_
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 09:09 am: [report]
Just for the record, men make the same type of mistake. If someone can be really fantastic five minutes a day, we all tend to forget the other 1435 minutes they’re not. If we all considered averages instead of peaks, we’d be better off.
lea322
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 09:18 am: [report]
Dating people who I need to introduce to their potential is such a waste of my time. I want a guy who’s already well acquainted with his, and willing to continue developing his friendship with it.
retro chic
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 09:25 am: [report]
I learned early on from my parents’ marriage, *People* don’t change… much. And why should a guy change if he’s happy with himself. Even the ones who want help still need to make the change themselves. Never been into the fixing. In the beginning, I don’t see potential, I see, “This is the best of him right now, take it or leave it.”
Tart and Soul
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 09:29 am: [report]
If I had a quarter for every guy I hooked up with because of his “potential,” I’d be able to pay off my student loans. What I realized after dating my last pothead, livin’-on-his-parents-couch musician boyfriend is that what I see as potential is really just fantasy.
I wrote a blog post about it called, “Building the Perfect Boyfriend.” Check it out and let me know what you think:
http://tartandsoul.com/2009/07/27/building-the-perfect-boyfriend/
qnzmami718
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 09:40 am: [report]
this is absolutely true! this really hits home today because i just ended this kind of relationship.. yesterday. two years ago i met a man who “had potential” and needless to say it didnt work out. i ran into him a few months ago and like an idiot let him back into my life. he promised me a lot of things and at first he seemed to be keeping with those promises, everything was perfect the first few months. then a few weeks ago everything turned from perfect to ok to bad to absolutely horrible.
lesson learned! the hard way :(
_jsw_
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 09:47 am: [report]
I guess it’s worth noting that all people do change, and they often can change their actions, if not their personality, so as to become more compatible with their partner. What might start as a conscious attempt to compromise can turn into an ingrained habit.
However, just because people change, it doesn’t mean they’ll change in the ways that you want them to, and core personalities rarely change much after the late 20s to early 30s. So… that slacker band dude might turn into someone successful, and the gung-ho MBA might turn into someone who lives with his parents in his 30s. You just never know. But as you become older and meet someone who’s at least in their late 20s? That’s the person they’ll always be. They can learn to put the toilet paper on the other way or to put the seat down or to put their clothes away or whatever. But they won’t fundamentally change after that point, barring major health or life events.
*sam*
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 09:55 am: [report]
The worst form of “potential” is when you tell yourself “if I just encourage him, and point him in the right direction, he’ll find his own ambition!” yeah, I made that mistake…more than once. There’s nothing wrong with helping someone figure out what they want to do, or to even help them achieve it (through support and/or directing them where to find the information they need on their own), but if you’re doing all the footwork and it’s obvious that if you weren’t around he’d still be sleeping on the couch, then it’s useless. *sigh* if only I’d realized this sooner. I could have saved so much time and not had all of those information pamphlets on how to become a pilot/chef/welder/IT guy/medical assistant, etc etc shipped to my house!!
anhngu
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 10:02 am: [report]
ditto to the article. I was with a great and fun guy who I thought had a lot of potentials. Turns out… the “potentials” quickly dissipated and those annoying habits were there to stay. I got out as fast as I could sensing that I will never be able to “fix” him.
joyy
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 10:15 am: [report]
Also, be careful what you wish for! My bf’s ex wasn’t satisfied with his old consultant gig that allowed him to basically pay for all their joint expenses (in a not elaborate lifestyle, for sure) working a few days a month. Being a spoiled little princess though, she pushed him to stop “being such a slacker” and go get a real job (not that she ever did!). He did, and while it brought in really nice money, it required him to travel a lot ... which he later blamed himself for when she wound up cheating on him ... because he wasn’t around as much!
I was able to help him severely cut back on his drninking, which was a nice change. However, it was something that he wanted to do for himself anyways (both to save money & preserve his health), and my part in that was just support and encouragement.
retro chic
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 10:16 am: [report]
@jsw: Yeah, people may *adapt* themselves for the survival of the relationship, if that’s what they value more, or if some experiences propelled them into new insights. That manifests as evolution of the person you already are. And that’s what we all want and should strive for – to be our best selves.
But we never really fundamentally change (except for, as you said, major life events). Most of the time it’s really a question of which you value more: your need for the relationship or your need for personal freedom and development – your way.
Humble Bee
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 10:36 am: [report]
It took me 4 years through a crappy relationship to figure this out. It’s so true that once you realize that they are not benefitting to you and are helpless creatures that are absorbing you and your precious time, your like wtf am I doing here?? I haven’t dated in a while because I can’t just settle for any ol’ fool with a day job. I’m not talking about a rich CEO with a bentley either, but I want a guy that’s atleast working towards his dream or goal in life. Not some do-nothing potato that just wants some. I am NEVER (Oh I’m saying it!) going out with someone who has “potential”.
Zandra6483
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 10:41 am: [report]
When I got together with my fiance, he was nearing 30, had no money, a #&@$% overnight deli job and no ambition to go back to school and get a degree. But I listened to my gut and kept dating him and working with him to make our lives better. And now he’s got a better paying daytime job he loves and is back in college with a full scholarship. I know he’s the exception, not the rule, but it turned out he just needed the right person to kick him in the ass toward his future, and it turned out to be me and my foot. I saw his “potential” and ran with it and neither one of us could be any happier.
amandabear
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]
I agree, I don’t want a project. I wouldn’t want someone who felt like they needed to “fix” me, either.
But oh god, I will never date a guy who doesn’t shower regularly again. Ever ever ever. You should not have to tell a grown man to bathe on a regular basis.
bearclover
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 10:55 am: [report]
Wow, I love this article. I fell Three Stooges style down a flight of and fractured my pelvis is two places. I tore the rotator cuff in my shoulder, sprained my elbow, pulled SO many freaking muscles in my hip/groin area, and wrenched my knee all on the same side of my body.
A few months into my recovery when I still had a mysterious pain that wouldn’t go away, they thought my IUD had perforated my uterus and did an ultrasound. It was precancerous tumors. Fast forward to May of 2008 and the “probably won’t grow into cancer” tumors had mutated 1/3 of my uterus. In December, it had to go.
When I look back on my life, I can see mistakes I made and some of them are doozies. Although they certainly contribute to who I am they don’t define me. I am more than the sum of my parts, including my bad parts. I try to be less judgmental now about mistakes people have made. Instead of focusing on the past mistake, I try to look for the actions they’ve taken since then to rectify or learn from it.
I started dating the guy I just broke up with shortly before they found the tumors had taken over. The revelation that I had precancerous tumors shook me to my core (endometrial cancer killed my mom). When confronted with his shortcomings, it never occurred to me to fix him. His problems were probably setting off all kinds of alarms, but I couldn’t hear them over Fear screaming I was going to die.
The tumors were benign, but extensive, and it took me a while to recover. To his credit, he took care of me, my dog, the dishes, the lawn, everything. By doing so, he took the responsibility off my daughters (I have no other close family) which allowed them the time to deal with their own fear without having to worry so much about taking care of me.
Despite his many sterling qualities and my desire to see people for more than the mistakes they’ve made, I decided I couldn’t live with his jealousy and possessiveness. Just like everyone else, I don’t know how long I have to live, but since the ultrasound, I am painfully aware that it could end any time. I don’t think we have the right or responsibility to change people. We’re the only ones that can prescribe our lives.
BlueVibe
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 10:58 am: [report]
Good old Texas saying: ‘Potential’ just means you ain’t done it yet.
In other words: It doesn’t count until action is taken.
I made this mistake a few times but now have found somebody with a steady job, interest in learning skills to get a better job, a handle on his finances, and no pie-in-the-sky fantasies. And no, he’s not boring. Not having frustration, disapproval, and disappointment hanging over our heads all the time leave a lot more room for the nice parts of being in a relationship.
Kathls
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 12:02 pm: [report]
@Tart and Soul: what a great word to describe it: Fantasy
It’s taken me awhile and a few life learning lessons to figure it out, but potential and words don’t count. You can have all the ambition in the world, but if you don’t take the action to reach your goals, it’s never going to happen. After the last guy I saw, I’ve finally picked up on the fact that talk really is cheap. If you keep hearing about career fantasies, etc. and never see the action, it’s not going to happen.
Now I know a little sooner when to move along.
effing hickster
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 12:26 pm: [report]
Note to men: Change is good…especially when it involves your underwear.
majicksand
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 01:39 pm: [report]
I’ve done the “potential” guy way too many times. Thankfully, with my husband, I made a mental checklist of everything he does that drives me bats before we got really serious. I decided there were no deal-breakers on the list. He still has some irritating habits (don’t we all), but they don’t make me crazy because I’ve consciously chosen to accept those aspects of him. If I had thought to do that with any of my exes, they would have been exes or not-at-alls much more quickly.
bogart4017
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 02:01 pm: [report]
Usually men only change when they want to—-in their own time. Pushing is only going to cause resentment in some. In others you get gold—-a guy who changes for the better and gives you the credit for it. Personal habits like dope-smoking, heavy drinking, slovenly behavior, poor personal hygiene—forget it. Its only gonna change when he figures no woman wants to be bothered with a sloppy, drunken, funky dope-smoker.
ChoJinn
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 02:38 pm: [report]
“no woman wants to be bothered with a sloppy, drunken, funky dope-smoker.”
Oh noes! But if you don’t smoke weed it’s ok? Like most aspects of dating, timing is everything. Girls can spin their wheels on a material-loser earlier, which is fine, but they shouldn’t really expect him to evolve, at least just for her sake. Pity is what I feel for the 26+ year old woman who is still trying to get her boyfriend off the couch. The guy’s penis must be pretty huge, but even then there are less-troublesome silicone varieties. I’d say having no direction by 30, if left untreated, is usually fatal to ones hopes and dreams.
_jsw_
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 02:44 pm: [report]
@ChoJinn: I think you’re forgetting that all you need is one good week with the lottery. For those who choose the difficult and often thankless career path of professional lottery player, it can often take decades to reach career success, and many fail to appreciate that the time spent on one’s parents’ couch is merely the dues one must pay to play.
majicksand
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 03:10 pm: [report]
I come to work and get paid to sit around fantasizing about how I’ll spend my lotto winnings, jsw. Double-win! I’m just good like that.
bestbren62
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 07:52 pm: [report]
Interesting. I have found this out the hard way.
LilMissSunshine
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 11:19 pm: [report]
I liked the post. It was also good timing with what’s going on in my life. I have been seriously crushing on a guy with potential. When I start thinking of him I’ll remained myself that those are dangerous words.
Pookie
wrote on September 22 2009 @ 10:44 am: [report]
@JSW-You just helped me realize that my sister will never change. She is in her mid 20’s STILL trying to decide what she is going to do with her life. Making plans, but never following thru with said plan. <sigh>
rowdygirl
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 09:53 am: [report]
I made this mistake when I was 21. I was inexperienced, in a bad way at home and desperate to be loved by someone. HUGE AND TERRIBLE MISTAKE. I spent the next 23 years trying to “stand by my man and help him”
He was an idiot and it took a long time to finally accept that.
InternGal
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 12:19 am: [report]
I used to make this mistake alot, but I’ve been better. My boyfriend is kinda messy, so I do like helping him clean his dorm (i.e. doing it while he fumbles around trying to figure out what I mean by “sorting” laundry).
But there’s a pretty definite line about this. Like I don’t want to change *him*, just the amount of crumbs on his floor and laundry on his chairs.