Dating Don’ts: 5 Friends You Don’t Need
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Thursday October 15th 2009
Who was the first person you called the day your ex dumped you? Or that time you found a weird bump on that very private body part? Or the day you stumbled across that pair of barely worn Christian Louboutins at the Goodwill?
If you’re like me, you called a girlfriend. While I love my man and adore my cats to what some might consider a scary degree, the relationships I have with my girls is on an entirely different plane. They’re the funniest, smartest, weirdest (in a good way!) gaggle of broads I’ve ever met and I feel lucky every day to have them around.
It wasn’t always this way. I’ve had to prune my posse (please note that I’ve also been kicked out of people’s lives as well) and have discovered some types to avoid.
The Drama Queen
The Drama Queen isn’t happy (and “happy” is a relative term here) unless she’s freaking out. Little things we boring normals would shrug off—like a missed bus or parking ticket—become monumental shriekfests. She doesn’t get the flu; she gets oh-my-god-I-think-it’s-cancer! Everything is a crisis and she demands constant hand-holding and attention.
Luckily, these types can’t help but reveal their true colors pretty quickly and unless you’re content to be cast as an extra in your own life, you’ll banish her from the set.
Nurse Betty
There is nothing that makes this one as happy as a friend in need. This may seem like a good quality (and often is—for a while), but once you’ve got your butt back in gear, she either loses interest or, worse, reminds you constantly of how bad things once were, in the hopes that you’ll fall back into feeling like crap so she can “save” you again.
You have two choices with this type: Either arrange it so you’re constantly in crisis or pretend you’re problem-free so she gets bored. Better yet, introduce her to the Drama Queen—they’ll be very happy together.
Lady Hater
“I don’t have female friends because all the women I meet are jealous of me.” Yes, someone actually said this to me. Instead, this person prefers her friends to be of the male variety—ideally, hopelessly in love with her and willing to do her bidding.
You don’t really have to worry about ditching this snot because she doesn’t want anything to do with you in the first place.
The Critic
Also known as the frenemy, the critic is chock-full of helpful suggestions. For instance, you know your favorite dress? Well, it makes you look kind of fat. No offense. Speaking of which—have you gained a little weight? Or are you pregnant? Are you sure? Well, never mind, you can have some of her old “fat” clothes since she has no use for them anymore.
Understandably, critics have a fairly high turnover rate in the friend department. I unfriended one such mean girl only to have her show up at a mutual friend’s birthday party—for the sole purpose of telling the birthday girl exactly what was wrong with her! ¡Feliz Cumpleaños!
The Leg Humper
Do you know what it’s like to walk into a bar and find one of your closest friends making out with the guy you’ve had a crush on for an entire year? I do! Granted, that’s nowhere near as bad as my friend Melissa who discovered her husband was schtupping her BFF, but still. It stung. And sure, nobody forced Melissa’s husband to be a cheating jerk, but a good girlfriend never would’ve gone there with him.
You’ll know when you’re in the presence of one of these bottom feeders by the way you become invisible the second there’s a guy in the vicinity.
So yeah, I had to learn the hard way. But having been put through the wringer by these types of lady scoundrels makes me doubly appreciate the awesome dames I still have in my life.
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bethlynn00
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 09:10 am: [report]
Ugh, I had a friend who was a total drama queen, the happiest and most excited I’d seen her was when her boyfriend and his friend stole her car, got arrested and the car was impounded, she was running on pure adrenaline, it was very sad, at one point she even was giggling! Yet there I was pissed that I had to drive almost 2 hours to take her to get her car out of impound.
luke15chick
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 09:25 am: [report]
I believe there is a sixth type(the one I just unfriended) she was always so eager to unload all things negative about her life and was in part the critic about my life, unto my listening ears, constantly wanting sympathy for the terrible cards life constantly dealt her. (rarely admitting that her own decisions might have played a part of what was happening in her life) If I did not ooze sympathy and throw her a pity party, well she stopped talking to me until the next catstrophe hit. Needless to say, I released myself of this “friendship” due to the fact I did not see how the relationship was at all benefiting me and was actually in fact draining me.
intuition
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 09:34 am: [report]
Unluckily ( or luckily), I had a friend who is the “Lady Hater” and “The Leg Humper”. Didn’t want to be friends with girls, but if she was, she was after your guy or love interest before you knew it.
I have a friend who is a “‘Self’-Critic”. Everything about herself is wrong. “She’s too fat, too tired, and too stressed out.” I would feel bad, if any of it were true. It gets old hearing the same self-loathing comments almost daily.
bjoontheupside
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 09:35 am: [report]
The last true “girl” friend I had was a mixture of Drama Queen, Nurse Betty, and Leg Humper. She only became interested in me after I got divorced, (She is my ex-husband’s best friend’s fiancee)-that’s when she was pretty much Nurse Betty, trying to heal my emotional wounds. Then later she became the DQ constantly confiding in me about her dysfunctional relationship with her fiance, her impulsive need to keep tabs on ALL her ex-boyfriends or men that she just had sexual encounters with. I kid you not, we’d be out together and she’d drive me out to the middle of nowhere to locate the house of a guy she once had a thing with. And of course her problems were always bigger than big. When we were out together, she was fun/a little crazy which is exactly what I thought I needed at the time, but that’s when I noticed what a LH she was. I’d see a guy that I’d be slightly interested in, but she’d be the one making contact with him for her own pleasure. Just a bit sleazy, ya know? Yeah…I don’t miss that friendship so much.
majicksand
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 09:36 am: [report]
I can relate. I had one “friend” who informed me that she had been to the doctor and been diagnosed with the dreaded influenza. Apparently in addition to being a drama queen, she thought I was stupid. She got really mad when I made it clear that I knew influenza means “flu”. Waahh!
I’ve befriended some serious winners over the years, but there’s one who definitely gets the prize for worst friend ever. She had known my boyfriend longer than I had, but they never dated. He and I were together for 10 years. I was so in love with this guy that I put up with his crap for a decade hoping things would change (sad, I know).
The last 6 months we were together, my friend counselled me constantly to throw the bum out because his endless crap was making me miserable and ruining my life. I finally stood up for myself and gave him an ultimatum. As predicted, he moved out. She called me later that day and asked if I was mad at her. It took me a minute to catch on, but I finally realized that he was moving in with her. Purely platonic of course… she just “couldn’t see a friend become homeless, could she?”
He worked full-time making good money while I worked part-time making next to nothing. The reason I only worked part-time was that he didn’t drive. He left me in debt, trying to support two kids and pay my mortgage. She happily let him help with her rent without a thought to the money he owed me.
I was informed that I was not allowed to so much as ask how things were going with her because that meant I was somehow “putting her in the middle”. On the other hand, I was the first person she called to vent to every time he pissed her off. She even brought him to my birthday party that she organized because it was convenient for her. I didn’t even want the party, but she insisted.
After 9 months or so, he made her mad enough that she threw him out. They weren’t even speaking. Then she calls me a month later to let me know she got her transfer and will be relocating to SC where she owns some land and a small cabin. I still offered to help her with the move. He was out of the picture, so maybe we could patch up our friendship.
When she didn’t call before she left, I called to make sure she was settling in ok. Guess what? They patched things up, so he helped her move. About a month after that, she called to let me know that he had decided to stay. He got a good job and was in the process of building an addition onto her little house. No mention of him having any intention of paying me back.
That was enough. We haven’t spoken since. Oh yeah, she still insists there’s nothing going on between them.
ellie1202
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 10:39 am: [report]
there’s also the needy friend, who freaks out she realizes you have a life that doens’t revolve around her. just had to let go of a friend like that. i’ve never felt smothered like a friend before that!
retro chic
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]
I’m really sorry for all the bad experiences people have had here, but, I can honestly say, I’ve always had good luck with friends. Maybe because I’ve lived in the same area and everyone just “stayed.” I don’t have herds of friends, but enough really good ones – and 2 that have been around since Kindergarten, who I expect will be there ‘til the end. We laugh, commiserate, travel together as singles, couples or as extended families with our kids, for many years. It’s the main reason I don’t want to move away. They have sustained me thru so much, as I have with them.
There have been a few of the DQs that come and go, but they immediately get the idea thru osmosis that they get no play and slink away, deprived of even that drama. The only name that could even remotely fit one friend is Nurse Betty: but even she is 100% redeemed because she is so sweet and doesn’t know how to be any other way, and doesn’t hurt anybody. Probably the only “trait” or theme for our group is we love life more than sweating the small stuff – or people – in it. I am truly lucky.
xdarlinlilsarax
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]
There is also the attention grabbing friend. She must ALWAYS be in the spotlight and god forbid a guy likes another girl over her!
Blazicus
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 12:29 pm: [report]
I feel as though I’ve dated all of these women. Do the normals fit into categories? I want to gauge how terrible my taste is.
jubee
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 12:51 pm: [report]
I was once the critic to a drama queen, it was like my knee jerk reaction constantly criticize her as she freaked out about every little thing in her life, we both got rid of each other.
writergirl
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]
I have one woman in my life who is a drama queen. We have to be “friends”—and I use the term loosel—due to circumstances beyond our control. Suffice it to say she doesn’t like me that much because she knows I’ll call “BS!” when her antics get over-the-top.
Leesa
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 10:00 pm: [report]
One of my now-best friends used to be a total drama queen, but she has thankfully mellowed over the years. I was her friend through the DQ years too, though, because she was at heart a great person. I guess that’s the important part. There IS a difference.
venusian
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 01:11 pm: [report]
what about the friends who aren’t there for you when you really need them? this is definitely grounds for ending a friendship. While people can be needy if they actually need a friend shouldn’t they be there?
IvoryandBaby
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 04:41 pm: [report]
I went on a mission to get all of my friends to be friends once. Some of them flat out did not like each other. It made doing things very hard for me so I thought this would solve everything. I was so wrong. In my group I had two really selfish friends. They behaved as if what was theirs was theirs, and what was mine was also theirs. Due to feeling deprived as children, they did have it rough at times, they were greedy and opportunistic as adults. One was not very pretty and over 6 feet tall, built like a linebacker is a pretty accurate description. She would tell all the men I dated that I had herpes, actually coldsores are a herpes virus and that is what I had, still having to explain that in every relationship was hard after she would scare them. The other was very pretty and men loved her but after they slept with her once they would never call again. She was a frigid bitch in the bedroom. Add to this a few others in the group and as long as there was some drama to fight amongst ourselves over they were happy. I usually got pulled into the middle.
I went to a psychic who said with friends like I had I would never be at a loss for things to write about and that I should get them out of my life. It took me nearly ten years from that advice. These women used me in every way possible. They lived off my generosity when I shared an apartment/house with them while I had a child to support. They ruined any other relationships or friendships I tried to build over the years. When they finally left they linebacker eventually got together with an ex of mine who said he only slept with me because I seduced him while he was drunk, it was the other way around. She is so insecure she can’t even have a relationship all these years later that she did not contrive through her friendship with me. These women have the same small circle of friends they had 10 years ago, except now it is smaller. New people choose not to associate with them. They still live every day in a he said she said type of trauma drama that never ends. And I am so happy I chose to walk away when I did.
Tiggs
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 06:08 pm: [report]
I’ve had the DQ, and some I wouldn’t choose to be friends with now if it weren’t for our history (friends since very young, family-friend). I try not to create drama in my own life, and I’ve found that if you surround yourself with people who do, it tends to spill over. Sometimes you just have to ‘clean house’ to save your sanity. It’s difficult, but sometimes necessary.
omnimancer
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 10:40 pm: [report]
One of my friends is a drama queen, but luckily her sweet personality takes over her drama queen-ness.
onewriter
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 10:59 am: [report]
@omnimancer I LOVE your “god made every queer hetero bisexual transexual in his image so shut the #&@$% up” beautiful. just beautiful
electricaldaisy
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]
When they say diamonds are a girl’s best friends, they really mean it the other way around. A girl’s best friends are like diamonds; they don’t break under pressure, tough to crack, and are resilient!
Perceptible
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 06:37 pm: [report]
I feel so lucky for the friends I have after reading this. I want to go give them all big hugs.
I can’t imagine even entertaining or cultivating friendships with people like these. How do you get to the friendship stage with them?
(However, I think my ex husband fits into, ummm… all of these categories! Scary, I know.)
luke15chick
wrote on October 18 2009 @ 07:16 am: [report]
You ask how did I find a girl like this, definitely not on purpose. I know in my case with my now exfriend, it took a while for realization to hit me that she never cared a thing about me and I was the only handing out the sympathy. Really it took another friend of mine to ask me, when had this girl ever done anything that I was interested in and also hanging out with more positive natured friends helped me see how negaative this one girl was.
Shosanna
wrote on October 18 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]
Ah, the Lady Haters. My boyfriend has one of these on his floor. Even while she’s dating his friend, she is still shamelessly flirting with him, which he actually finds really annoying and off-putting. He’s 6,000 miles away in rainy England, so she should count her lucky stars I’m not there to lay down my bitch-hand and rearrange her face.
BlueVibe
wrote on October 19 2009 @ 08:51 am: [report]
None of my friends have these issues, but my mother has an inexplicable knack for befriending Drama Queens. One is a DQ-Critic combination and one is a DQ-Nurse Betty combination. But, seriously, we are continually amazed by their ability to turn trivial mishaps into impending doom.
bubblegum
wrote on October 19 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]
I used to have a friend that was completely Superficial. Over the top!
She was a really sweet girl, but was always criticizing “ugly people”. She only made friends with good looking people, and only liked going to high class places (usually very expensive, when she couldn’t even afford it)
She was my best friend for a while. I helped her learn english. But as soon as she met a rich boy that could pay for all her expensive clothes and lifestyle in general, she slowly stopped talking to me.
Today, I’m glad. I’ve heard about her recently, and I am sure I do not need people like that in my life!
slestie
wrote on October 19 2009 @ 01:58 pm: [report]
I’m a huge tomboy and an athlete so I hang with the boys a lot. My roommate has made a habit of hanging out and falling in love with them one by one and getting pissed if they even look at me. Driving. Me. Insane.
Jitterbugs232
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 06:17 pm: [report]
The critic for sure, its like get off my back!