10 Hilarious And Awkward Dating Confessions
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
9:30AM, Tuesday June 23rd 2009
It’s been awhile since I read “Dating Confessions,” Nerve‘s community blog where readers confess their darkest dating and relationship-related secrets, but after someone posted a particularly interesting one on Current yesterday, I had to go check out what else I’ve been missing. Like community confessional blogs before it, “Dating Confessions” is at once seedy, sad, funny, hopeful, and heartbreaking — kind of like its topic, I guess. After the jump, the confession that got me reading again, plus 10 others that made me glad I’ve found a smooth spot on the rocky seas of romance.
My neighbors have sex with the curtains open and the lights on so I watch. It (always) goes like this: 6 minutes in the missionary position. At about minute 5 he grabs a page of the NYTimes and holds it ready. At the last second he pulls out and cums into the paper. He gets up and hobbles out of view with his junk wrapped in newsprint. Then she gets up and checks her email in the nude.
I’m not sure what’s more offensive — the newspaper jiz business, or the 6-minute missionary sex. Thoughts?
My last girlfriend gave much better head than you. I want to teach you her technique, but the sentiment would be obvious and you’d probably never go down on me again.
The “sentiment” would only be obvious if you actually said, “I want to teach you my ex-girlfriend’s technique.” Otherwise, not so much.
I’m not supposed to talk about politics or religion on a date, but what the hell? if someone disagrees with me on a pedagogical level, shouldn’t that be an enormously helpful indicator to move on?!!
To which someone else replied:
I’m pretty sure “pedagogical” doesn’t mean what you think it means. You probably *would* do well to avoid discussing politics and religion with your dates.
Definition of pedagogical: “of, relating to, or befitting a teacher or education.” So, yeah, no one is disagreeing with you on that level.
Staying over last night does not entitle you to show up unannounced tonight. That being said, I love the flowers and oral.
If only every unannounced house guest were so generous.
You piss me off. You’re a whiny, dramatic #&@$%, who thinks waaaaay too highly of himself. You tease and make fun of everyone but the second anyone dares to make fun of you stop talking to them. You’re a huge gossip and speak in code to your friends about people who are there. You have a ridiculous temper. And yet I still want you to think I’m attractive.
Wow, is this guy still at large? He was driving me crazy in the same way ten years ago.
Thanks for another darling of a day. You are totally worth all the agony I went through waiting for you to fall in love with me. Every single one of my friends said that you were trouble, a commitment phobe, a bad bet, and you know what—they had every reason to think that—but I just couldn’t walk away, I knew you were it for me-and then -poof—something in you clicked and WOW—I can’t believe we are getting married next month.
Let’s hope they don’t procreate before the divorce next year.
My wife f***ed another man last night. A rare occurrence in our long-standing open relationship.. or at least open for her. Unfortunately she didn’t enjoy it (bad chemistry) and today feels blah - regretful, nauseous and hungover. So now I’m expected to be the sweet, doting husband while suppressing my desire to sexually reclaim her until she feels better. Which almost makes me wish she had a better hookup and came home happy and horny. Sometimes reality really bites.
Um, maybe it’s time to close the relationship?
The only time I don’t think of you as a buddy/brother type is when we are hooking up.
Wait, but how do you even get to the point of hooking up if you’re thinking of him as a brother? Ew.
New dating rule: if you have more than 500 photos of yourself on Facebook, then you are a shallow and self-centered person, and I’m not interested.
But if you have 499 photos of yourself, sign me up!!
So, Frisky readers, what are your dating confessions?
[via Nerve]
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
elpee
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 01:24 pm: [report]
I am an over-sharer. A few months ago on a first date after about 1/4 of a glass of wine I decided to tell my new acquaintance about Shower Belly. Shower Belly is a secret I had kept for more than 20 years—it’s my morning shower ritual of rubbing a layer of soap onto my belly and drawing pictures and patterns in the suds. I’ve done this every morning since I can remember and until that moment, nobody knew. I felt as if I had betrayed a little of myself and this is definitely not a good dating tactic.
wild-ting
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 04:32 pm: [report]
^^hehehee^^ shower belly.
Em.El.E.
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 10:31 pm: [report]
hahaha…... o goodness Shower Belly. You do realize that now everyone knows right? But i agree with you. I’ve felt like that a few times…
Also, that 500 pictures thing…. i think i have that many, but only because my best friends love taking pictures of everything we do! but now i’m all worried that people will think im self centered!! IM not i swear!! ahhhhh!!!! IM not shallow either!!! thanks random mean person… im just going to assume that its a man because it makes me feel better. ugh ALSO!! if you have had your facebook profile since it first came out it is very likely that you have a crap load of pics on there!!!
o and i once went out on a date with this guy who after being friends for a few months we finally went out on a date. We were going to go to the movies but we had a long time before the movie started and after we ate, so we went to Barnes and Noble. Well we were having a swell time… until he decided to jump onto the customer service counter and propose to me. I thought he was joking so i made fun of him….. needless to say i put a damper on the evening because he was serious… but i didn’t find out just how serious he was until just a few weeks ago. yup… i felt like a bitch, but at least i didnt jokingly say yes… i might be engaged then…. AHHH!!!
elpee
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 05:55 am: [report]
@Em. El. E Now that the cat is out of the bag about Shower Belly, I want to spread my story so that others learn from my mistake. Consider me the martyr of Shower Belly. If y’all Shower Belly, keep it to yourselves. My friends thought it would make a good blog. Like, photos of my Shower Belly Of The Day. And other people could share THEIR Shower Bellies. But I think that Shower Belly is something that’s best kept to yourself.
IrinaGonzalez
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 10:37 am: [report]
oh my god, Shower Belly is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard…
And about the Facebook pix thing, I’ve had FB since my freshman year of college (literally RIGHT when FB came out), and so I have like 1000 pix now. But, what can I say? My friends and I love taking pictures and it’s the easiest way to tell people what you did on your vacation without taking them through a boring slideshow. Geez, 500? That’s nothing!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]
@MajickGoddess: Facebook blows. I had it Freshman year too when they only offered it to 25 schools. I recently deleted my account from the sheer suckitude.
sklut
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 10:50 am: [report]
Could we say Shower Belly like a couple thousand more times
IrinaGonzalez
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse yea, I’m not really on it much anymore.. except to post pix, actually, cause its just easier to share that way. or to do events w/friends.. though I *have* recently gotten addicted to twitter, if only for the fun links to stuff on the web that people post.
CthisSunshine
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 04:24 pm: [report]
@El I think Shower Belly is hilarious and that is the point of getting to know someone… From the first night of meeting my ex, he and I showered together after a healthy dose of passionate sex. From then on everyday for the next 2 years in our tiny apartment we would find excuses to shower together. Even when we fought, (haha!) the bathroom door would open and there was that moment of anticipation (will they enter, do I dare?), then the curtain would slide back… I miss that and can now laugh at the co-dependence happening with shower time. I think of his daily rituals. Those idiosyncrasies are the best to share; They make you human and HILARIOUS. I like it! I remember him joking with his cousin (a guy) about it and being told that it was great. When I told my girlfriend she said to probably keep that in my “closet” to not embarrass myself. whatever… I’m an information whore as well, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.