Dating Amelia: Kissing, Control Issues, & The Sneakerhead
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
11:30AM, Monday May 18th 2009
Last week I had a new OK Cupid date, this time with someone who fit my type. You see, I have a type that I wish were my type: guys in plaid, guys who are sensitive, guys who look like they’d be friends with Ryan Gosling, guys who are over 5’9”. And then I have my real type: the guy who I’m inexplicably drawn to and drawn to me, too. This type of guy is dark-haired, under 5’9”, and extremely confident.
This latest guy (let’s call him the Sneakerhead) fit my type to a T, but he had some bonus features: a cool sneaker collection (you can tell a lot about a guy by his shoes), a good tan (a product of his half-Argentinian ancestry), he was a hip-hop fan, and he wears glasses. Oh, and he has a tattoo. And he doesn’t have a doughboy body. He’s my real type, plus perfection.
Say what? You mean I didn’t have a big ol’ blinking sign on my forehead that was screaming “Kiss Me!”? How surprising.
I had a few goals for the evening we met for drinks. They were:
- Do not get super drunk.
- Do not tell him you were engaged (yet).
- Do not reach for your wallet, as an experiment.
- Do not take off your clothes.
I achieved all but the third one, but I am happy to report that I finally, finally did not end up splitting the check. I did reach for my wallet, but the Sneakerhead was true to my type – gentlemanly, not cheap.
Back at my apartment, we sat on the couch and talked, but he got up to leave after about half an hour. Wait! Was he so gentlemanly that he wasn’t going to put the moves on me? Had he decided he wasn’t interested in me because on my book collection or something?
My confusion didn’t last long. By the door, we started to make out. When I asked him what took him so long, he responded, “You were hard to read.” Say what? You mean I didn’t have a blinking sign on my forehead that was screaming: “Kiss Me!”? How surprising.
Which brings me to number four. After an hour or two, Sneakerhead had disrobed to his boxers, and I was fully clothed. Every guy friend I have told this story has stared at me, stupefied. Here’s the thing: guys like the Sneakerhead love to be in control. What turns me on so much about this type is the challenge of trying to take the control away. This time, I was successful. Of course, the problem with dating a fellow control freak is that there’s always that battle for control, which, while extremely hot, can drive me incredibly crazy. Part of liking to be in control is knowing where I stand. When I don’t know where I stand, I turn into Gigi from “He’s Just Not That into You.”
After so many ups and downs with Chicken Parm, and the confusing nonsense with the Doodler, I have learned not to be excited by a great date. But the next day, first thing in the morning, the Sneakerhead was already IMing me. Then, we texted all weekend, although I must note, we didn’t actually see each other. A guy friend—and I didn’t tell him about my control freak theory—said, “Maybe he gets off on the notion of turning you on but retaining control”—in other words, knowing that I’m interested and responsive is the thrill the Sneakerhead wanted. Whatever the case may be, things with him are definitely to be continued.
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writergirl
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]
Ok…so what was he expecting if you were fully dressed and he wasn’t?
AgentBeryllium
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 11:35 am: [report]
@amelia: Personally I wouldn’t bring it up. If things get serious, then take it in consideration. When I was freshly divorced I felt the need to purge information. bad idea. They don’t need to know any thing except the things you want to tell them. Plus you don’t owe him a thing. Not his business. But as I always say: It’s best to let sleeping dogs lay.
Amelia
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]
@writergirl Oh I think he was perfectly happy with the way things were. He is gentlemanly, remember
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]
Over analyzing…
joyy
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 11:50 am: [report]
@Amelia, the clothing disparity brings the phrase “man-child” to the tip of my tongue, like when little boys go through naked phases (and rarely grow out of them haha). As for your engagement, yeesh don’t sweat it. Past relationships/other lifetime experiences eventually become part of getting to know each other and just save it for then. Have fun!!!
Naneenya
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 12:45 pm: [report]
I’m a little jealous of your ability to get dates off of OKCupid. All I get are messages from creepy dudes wondering how I feel about muppets. True story.
Leave it to me to attract the crazies!
cattgirl813
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 12:53 pm: [report]
@Naneenya: It’s not just you that attracts the crazies. Not only did I get a bunch of creepy messages (the scariest was from the crazy eyed half naked man posed in front of a mounted deer head), it sent me the profile of one of my exes (the smug one who kept reminding me of his master’s degree as he noted I was “just a secretary”)as a potential match. I bailed from that site after only being on it for a week.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
@Naneenya: How do you feel about muppets?
A furry hand slides up your thigh..
*The door gets kicked in*
“KER-ME! What are you doing!!”
“Oh noe! Miss Piggy! Run”
*Kermit is then walloped by a huge purse*
<Le sigh, my muppet fan-fic never works out>
writergirl
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 01:02 pm: [report]
@Joyy my five year old is going through that stage now. All I say is, “Put your pants back on!” Good analogy!
shannac02
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 02:23 pm: [report]
How the heck do you get dates on OKCupid? All I got was a friggin’ rapist, then I got the heck off there!
alliecat
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 05:10 pm: [report]
Seriously, I have to mimic the echo of some of the other ladies - Amelia, how in the heck do you have luck with OKCupid?
The closest thing I have to an OKCupid thing is this guy that I had chatted with and exchanged numbers with through another dating site a few months ago (things didn’t pan out then - I was just chaotically busy), and he popped up on my Quiver about three weeks ago, so I figured it was more than a coinkidink and messaged him through OKCupid. We’ve got a date Saturday (super fingers crossed!).
All the other guys on OKCupid that I’ve been remotely interested in haven’t shared that interest in me and the ones that are interested in me are downright creepy.
Good luck with the Sneakerhead, Amelia! The best part of dating someone new is jockeying for control - who wants it, who gets it, or who is more stubborn for the sake of it!
Birdman
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 09:04 pm: [report]
Well the one with more clothes on is usually the person in control. And yeah, “control” is a central point in relationships. Most either want it or for the other person to have it, in both cases, all the time. Those freaks (like me) who want to establish a balance are in for a very hard time indeed.
And I’m on cupid, too (tho with a different user name), and yes, there are lots and lots and lots of creepy guys out there. Why not initiate the conversation yourself? Read the profile and spend that same ten minutes awkwardly announcing your attraction that we guys go through constantly. At the least, you’ll gain some sympathy for that really strange initial e-mail.
Oh, and just to piss everyone off- we all attract people who are similar or complementary to how we present ourselves, so, no, it’s not just them.
bklyniiite
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 10:46 pm: [report]
ok…you really like him and everything has been perfect so far. What would you have done if he would’ve whipped it out when he was down to his boxers? Would you reprimand him?
Lindsay Goldenberg
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]
At least this one picked up the friggin’ check! I don’t care what anybody says, the guy’s a loser if they don’t.
Ammmmeelllia. The only thing I wish you WOULDN’T do is invite them up to your place on the first date! I might be old-fashioned, but as an experiment what if you waited until the 2nd date to kiss (outside on the street), and at least 4th date before inviting him up?
MiMi89
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 10:14 pm: [report]
I’ve learned that bringing guys back to my place after a first date only makes them assume that they’re gonna get some…
Made that mistake quite a few times, actually. Never turns out well.
Amelia
wrote on May 20 2009 @ 03:55 am: [report]
@bklyniiite Reprimand? No. But I wouldn’t have had sex with him either.
@Lindsay Goldenberg Dearest Lindsay, for you I will do this. Well, a modified version of this, at least with this guy.
toyen
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 07:13 pm: [report]
@writergirl - a B.J. If he’s 90% nekkid and hasn’t undressed you, it’s pretty obvious what he’s looking for…
“You were hard to read.” - I cannot count how many times I’ve heard that… It’s such B.S. If I had my heart on my sleeve, it’d scare the crap out of him or he’d lose interest because the mystery and chase is over. If I keep my guard up, half get bored or lazy, the other half love the mystery… Sigh.
If you want to know why you’re inexplicably drawn to a certain type, I can’t recommend reading about Imago enough…