Dating Amelia: The Deal With Chicken Parm

christianay
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:13 am: [report]

ahh i’ve been using okcupid too. not as successful yet though.

shannac02
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:13 am: [report]

I should probably take my own advice but… Let him go, if he comes back, then it really is meant to be!

btw: Internet dating? How is that? Would you do it again and again? Is it only for pretty girls, or can normal chicks sign up too?

RachelSmiles
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:23 am: [report]

i think that if you really like him then you should keep seeing him when its convenient for you while seeing other guys… as long as he knows that’s the plan. if you arent comfortable dating more than one guy at once (i know so many girls who are that way) then let him go for awhile and like Shannac02 said, if he comes back then you’ll see where it goes from there.

best of luck to you!

Amelia
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:24 am: [report]

@shannac02 I mean, in a way I think it’s been a success—I met someone fantastic who I wouldn’t have met otherwise. But there are a lot of duds too. It’s kind of like going thrift shopping. You really have to search the racks to find a winner, but then it’s one of a kind.

thegr8brownie
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:26 am: [report]

maybe this is all part of a plan?
what I mean is, you have met someone you really like, so the “universe” is showing you that yes, you will fall in love again so dont be depressed. But its also saying don’t make the mistake of getting attached to a guy you know isn’t right for you, again.
maybe?

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:29 am: [report]

Awww, comfort food.

lalaland
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:31 am: [report]

(disclaimer, I am slightly jaded from my own break-up/heart break and some failed attempts to date)
If he’s not wooing now, it probably won’t get better if you stick around. I say date other people and if you two re-connect later when he’s in a better place, great!
Hope you find a keeper!

Wendy Atterberry
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:45 am: [report]

I guess the upside to having your heart broken is that dating columns are a lot more fun to read than engagement columns!

My advice is to definitely put chicken on the back burner…but just be sure you’ve got some other pots on the stove to keep things interesting.

Jamie Lee
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:47 am: [report]

@thegr8brownie…i have to agree with you

amelia, it seems like maybe this guy was a good ‘rebound’ relationship…proving to you that there are great guys out there and that your heart isn’t totally broken and you are capable of trusting and caring about someone again…but maybe since there are some..hmmm…flaws that chicken parm seems to possess…that maybe he’s not ‘the one’ for the long haul…or the short haul…

but just do what makes you happy right now…it doesn’t seem to me like you are looking to get into super serious again right away, so if spending time with him is good for now, then thats great. you’ll know when you are ready to move on or not move on. 

your situation reminds me of what i went through last year…i got divorced at the end of ‘07 and all spring/summer of ‘08 i dated an amazing guy, he so much fun, british army and a prince harry look alike…he showed me that my heart was healed and i could open up again but he had some major ‘flaws’ boyfriendwise and when the relationship ran its course, i knew and i was fine to walk away. and i am a much better person because of it…

good luck and i can’t wait for the bachelorette!!!!

WinkyFace
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]

I agree with lalaland. It sounds like it’s too early in the game to already be slacking on the wooing. Keep him on file, but date other people to see what else is out there. There are plenty of other Unicorns in the sea… or something like that.

Amelia
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]

Thanks for all the great advice guys! I definitely am going to date other people—you’ll hear more about that next week. I have too many cute dresses in my closet that need to be worn.

miss game
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:54 am: [report]

It is way too hard when he isn’t really trying… I hate to say it, but sounds like “he’s just not that into you”

ugh… I know. But that book seriously helped me out when I started dating again.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 11:02 am: [report]

@WinkeyFace: I’ll bet he will appreciate getting filed away.

retro chic
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]

Oh, Amelia. I’m not out there right now, but I have vivid images of this, pre-BF. I read your every heart-wrenched word. So, I’d say…
Keep Parm for the healing love/life-affirming goodness you need like a cactus for now, even if he may not be your ultimate BF or mate (I know, ouch). BUT date others too to get your fun, dating goove back—you said Parm doesn’t date, and that’s important to you, *clue.* Keep it light and balanced.

You sound like you’re too raw right now to play card games with your heart—making premature decisions on how Parm’ll fit in, or not. Be kind to yourself. Any missteps or vacillation might weaken your confidence.

People are thrown onto our paths all the time. The trick is to figure out WHY as early as possible so you remain open to what’s ultimately yours to keep.  I never had good advisors, so now others have only the benefit of my *experience*… but, only if it *speaks* to them. The very bottom line, *trust your gut.* You’ve got your wing-girls there to keep tabs. Cheers, and Good luck, bebe.

ps: I know it is customary to *share* our own stories, but thought this might be a better start.

Bokkie
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]

I’ll probably take a lot of flak for this, and I wouldn’t have commented on it if it weren’t the featured quote…but I think what you mean is “blind sided”—blind sighted isn’t really a phrase (though it is the title of a book).

Amelia
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]

@Bokkie Thanks! I had meant to fix that.

Yellow
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 12:30 pm: [report]

Amelia, I love that you say you have too many cute dresses that need to be worn! I’m in the same boat! A closet full of much to wear, so I’d better get my ass on some dates…

becktasm
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]

I met my boyfi on okcupid! He’s my lobster.

toyen
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 12:48 pm: [report]

Amelia, Amelia, our lives are too parallel. I am in the same boat, with a slightly different time line and similar circumstances for different reasons. I broke my sabbatical for a very handsome man whom I have amazing chemistry with whom I started seeing in Feb. But there are holes in my situation, too. Like he spends 90 hours a week at school, so a lot of the cooking dinner non-dates (on a sporadic basis) like you described. And I am wrestling with the seeing other people thing, too (I am no good at it, and I need to go dress shopping!) But I just can’t quite break it off, because, well, the chemistry is amazing.

@thegr8brownie—I think you are so right. That things like this happen so that you can see you’re capable of feeling this way again after having your heart smashed… And for a little fun and excitement in the meantime.

loveitlala
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 01:20 pm: [report]

Ooo I love this story… so exciting   Good luck with everything.

HusbandTribe
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 01:58 pm: [report]

I don’t know if this is the case, but maybe you’ve made yourself too available too soon. Giving him sex too soon? Gushing over him too soon? Making excuses for laziness too soon?  Women should know that men will do whatever is necessary to get the girl that they want… they will make any effort that is needed, but only if they believe she is worth it… If women make it too easy, they will take it too easy as well… If women expect more from the beginning, then men will rise to occasion and give them more. If they don’t, then he probably doesn’t think she is worth it. So they are not the right guy and you will be lucky not to waste your time.  Again, I have no idea what’s going on with this situation… but it’s just a thought…

Jessica Bartlett
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]

My opinion? (Not that you asked.) Dump him. Definitely start seeing other people, but don’t do it with him still in the picture, because that will be too much of a mind###k. Simply put, if he’s going to pull the “oh, I’m so screwed up right now” routine, he loses. More specifically, he loses YOU.

You’ve been going out for long enough that he shouldn’t be fading away; he should be seeing even more reasons why you’re so special. And if he doesn’t? BYE. There are many more men that will not only be begging for your full attention, but they’ll deserve it too.

ClatieK
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]

If being screwed up or tortured or whatever is part of CP’s current identity, I say “NEXT!”

mekatieunot
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 05:07 pm: [report]

WOW! this EXACT situation happened to me six months ago.

i hadnt dated in a while and joined match.com.  met this guy and the first conversation we had on the phone was almost 2 hours. wonderful. i knew then there was something.  before we met the first we had probably talked 10 hours on the phone (in just a week). our first date was just grabbing a drink and tlaking for hours. then i called him when i got home (he asked me to) and we talked another 2 hours. suffice to say it was effortless- he called me every day- and it was never boring. we were both instantly into each other very quickly.

within a few weeks he basically pulled the “i cant promise you anything” as he (like me) had been jilted by a cheating ex.  he would never be my BF. but we were only dating each other- and he even expressed deep feelings to me.

i tried to stick around to see if he would come around which clouded the rest of our time dating with me always worring about it. but that quickly changed.

the odd twist is that my friend also was on match (we did it together for support) and she had to tell me that he had winked at her! (a way to tell someone you are interested).

crazy! i know. so that ended there- but no easy tasks. hurt like hell. (did i tell you that was on my bday?)

soooo the moral of the story- as much as you want to-  don’t put your eggs in one basket so quickly. no matter how great they seem.

if he cant see how great you are and what a catch you are- then move on- it’s his loss. he probably just wants to have his cake and eat it too. dont let ‘em!

hnasty
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 05:43 pm: [report]

I don’t know. It seems to me you like the guy, and you like spending time with him but you’re looking for reasons not to want to be with him.

If you want a partner who gets where you come from and who you are, keep him. If you want a guy who follows your ‘dating rules,’ drop him like a hot potato.
....
Now, the not being able to make plans this weekend, is flakey and a bad sign, and will make you miserable. That is A HUGE red flag. Drop him like a hot potato. If he wants to he’ll come back.

..Unless the hot water heater broke in his sisters house and he has to help her with that… Or his brother had twins and he hasn’t seen them yet…. Or the team he coaches has a game… or… or.. nyurg.

Tamara
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 07:59 pm: [report]

I’ve been going through a break up, and as I’ve only been in two relationships and been with those two men I don’t know about dating. It’s tragic at times how unready I am for the eventual reality that I’m going to have to date. I’m still heartbroken because like you, the break up both blindsided and shocked me. I have a buddy who uses ok cupid and so far what he thought was a good thing turned a bit sour with the match he made. Good luck, maybe he’s just going through some bad times and slacking yes, but then again people show their true colors when their tested, give it a shot and I hope it works for you.

bklyniiite
wrote on April 4 2009 @ 03:20 pm: [report]

While writing that article, you must have kept in mind that he might see it.
What is that saying about “#&@$% where you eat”?
Declaring on here that you will be dating other people is a surefire way to lose him.
Sounds like he’s having an identity shift with the new career/new girl thing and you want him to validate your value. Does he really need to worry about what you are going to write next on top of that?
Be careful.

Amelia
wrote on April 4 2009 @ 03:42 pm: [report]

@bklyniiite Excuse me. You have just assumed that I haven’t told him myself that I am going to date other people. You are wrong. I was as honest with him as I was in this post—before I wrote it too, by the way. And I don’t want him to validate my value. I want him to put as much effort as I am. If he can’t right now, I’ll deal with it, but that means opening myself up to other people.

bklyniiite
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 04:45 pm: [report]

Amelia: Will you tell your future dates upfront that you will be using the relationship as content for this site?
Seems a little “kiss and tell”...that is what I meant.

hiyahails
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 04:57 pm: [report]

This really reminded me of myself, i was with my ex for two years, and although we balanced eachother out, like you said, we never had a lot in common (..he liked harry potter books and star wars) but only a month after our hard break up i met an amazing person, and it is a similar story to yours, bad timing, he was very casual about seeing me etc. but six months down the line, we are together, and really happy and all it took was patience, and both giving eachother the space and freedom to be ourselves
good luck amelia! xox

Jar by the Door
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 05:15 pm: [report]

I met my boyfriend of 11 months on OKC…
...Who likes Harry Potter and Star Wars…
But then again, that’s exactly what I like, so it worked out well.

Amelia
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 05:48 pm: [report]

@bklyniiite I’ll be deciding on a case by case basis—but I’m not dating to HAVE content to write about. I’m dating because I want to date and I’ll write about what dating is like FOR ME. The people I’ll be going on dates with are peripheral characters, which is why very little will be said about them personally and nothing identifying will ever be used. I get the sense you would have a real problem with me writing about anything personal because it inevitably will involve mentioning the existence of other people. The best I can do is protect their privacy to the very best of my abilities—pretty easy to do considering I’ll be dating average Joes, not, say, Ryan Gosling—and to never use people. At the end of the day, the column is about what it’s like to be dating again, after being in a long relationship that almost resulted in marriage.

bklyniiite
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 07:19 pm: [report]

@amelia:
“I’ll write about what dating is like FOR ME.”

Thanks, the placement of your caps clarified that it is all about you.
As readers, we can only wonder about Chicken Parm’s story and how he feels about being referred to as cheese and tomato covered white meat.

Amelia
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 07:51 pm: [report]

@bklyniiite I can’t believe I even have to address this. Chicken Parm is a silly nickname—I think I explained the depth of my feelings for him pretty well and it’s clear he’s much more than a cheese and tomato covered white meat. Would you rather I call him by his full name and give you his phone number so you can give him a ring and find out how he feels?

And I can only write about what dating is like for me. I can’t write about what dating is like for you, now can I? The best I can hope for is that people either get a kick out of my stories or they find something in them that they can relate to. That’s the point of anything like this. By the looks of the comments I’ve gotten, many people can relate.

mdtobe
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 08:08 pm: [report]

@Amelia Just wanted to let you know (after reading the last few posts from bklyniiite that I LOVE your posts and can’t wait for the next installment.  It takes a lot of courage to be so open and honest about your feelings with a bunch of strangers who have the ability to tear you down at will.  There are a lot of people who can’t express themselves so openly to their best friends.  Thanks for sharing your experiences with us!

bklyniiite
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 08:11 pm: [report]

ok. Amelia…here’s another way of putting it.
In Sex in the City, do you think “Mr. Big” would have liked Carrie Bradshaw judging love and life through her self absorbed experiences with him as material for public comment?
Carrie’s voice over “columns”, if published in reality, seemed the stuff to make any normal guy run.
Just one fatal flaw that irked me about that show…

and did you know that naming a dog puddles will increase the chances of it peeing on the rug?
Chicken Parm…white meat. tomato & cheese.
Next time make Kielbasa?

MissJennLynn
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 08:18 pm: [report]

Amelia, I wholeheartedly agree with mdtobe… Putting yourself out there is huge and you should be proud! I would reallllly like to see “bklyniiite” rewrite the article to his or her satisfaction. Although, I’m not sure how such a person would actually be able to get a date to write about… I kid, I kid.

Maybe.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 08:26 pm: [report]

There seems to be lots of flak coming from both sides here. I must of totally missed the point of the article. I am a sucker for metaphors, and I must of extrapolated waaaay too much, I read “Chicken Parm” and thought of “Comfort Food” like this was a good thing, oh well.

Birdman
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 09:07 pm: [report]

I wouldn’t be so much worried about the past guy reading this, but I would worry about a prospective would-be BF reading it. Any guy who knows that his every move is going to become an excuse for an online estrogen fest and is ok with it is either a narcissist or is rocking a three inch wonder stick, or is a narcissist rocking a three inch wonder stick. Personally, if I had found who I thought to be the “perfect woman” and then found out she’s writing about our experiences to her online audience, I’d run screaming into the night, and I’m used to all sorts of crazy. I think people’s ambitions and maturity are mirrored in those they are attracted to, so you’ll either grow or get used to the consistency of men that fill your life.

And actually, with study, awareness, and interpersonal skills, it is possible to tell what dating is like for a wide spectrum of people.

EnlightenMe
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 11:55 pm: [report]

@Birdman, nicely put.  Seriously.

To the article however, of course we don’t know the full story.  It seemed a little like jumping to conclusions when you say that he had been lazy when committing to doing something over the weekend, which he then attributed to going through a career transition, and wondering if you should break up with him.  Really now?  This makes me a little afraid that every time I ask a woman if I can have some time to recoup while/after going through something so life-changing that she’ll want to dump me on the spot.

Now I’m not going to be a jackass and question the experiences of everyone here on the site by asking if any of you know what it is really like to go through a career transition, or any major transition for that matter.  But do you?  It can be totally scary and can create a huge amount of uncertainty not only in your own life, but in your relationships with others as well.

You say that if you had to describe a hypothetical person that you would be attracted to that this guy would be it.  He obviously matches you in just about every single department.  Why then, is him being a little lazy for a wile (especially when he is going through a very rough time) a good reason to drop him like a sack of potatoes?

Ultimately though, you’re the one that can make the decision and that knows the situation best from your perspective.  Just make sure that whatever decision you make that it’s one that you can feel confident about.  No pussy-footing around.

Amelia
wrote on April 6 2009 @ 04:43 am: [report]

@EnlightenMe Who said I was dropping him? I’m not. In fact, he is so important to me, that I am literally never writing about him again.

@Birdman Seriously, if you think this column is going to be about a guy’s every move, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

@bklyniiite Creative! Way to use to a Sex and the City analogy. For starters, there will be no “Mr. Big.” And you don’t me well enough, or at all, to call me self-absorbed.

bklyniiite
wrote on April 6 2009 @ 08:18 am: [report]

Hey Amelia,
I didn’t call your column self absorbed.
I called Carrie’s experiences with Big as self-absorbed.
And I do hope you find the right person to bring you unspeakable romantic magic.

shannac02
wrote on April 6 2009 @ 09:44 am: [report]

Uhm WOW. I went away for the weekend and someone has been putting down my poor Amelia. Haters.

retro chic
wrote on April 6 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]

Amelia, Carry on, and ignore the b*st*rds. I look forward to your posts the way you intend them to be.

No need to explain, defend, respond to anyone. You had it ALL covered in your original, thorough and honest article, but apparently “others” missed.

Tara
wrote on April 6 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]

I totally recommend OKCupid if you know what you’re looking for. I’m living with my boyfriend of 8 months that I met using OKCupid. But, I had to sift through lots of awkward emails, a string of messed up guys and bad dateds to find a good one. It’s a great place for nerd dating!

sophie19
wrote on April 6 2009 @ 02:23 pm: [report]

@Amelia.

Obviously, the people reading this and then commenting are doing so because they are interested in your life. And to those who are being rude and judgmental, maybe they should just close their browsers and stop reading!  You live in New York, right? Population 20 million. So just what are the chances that the men you date will be recognized by people on this site?  Sigh…I get frustrated by people who act all “holier than thou”.

Team Amelia. I think you should continue to write what you’re inspired to write about because I, for one, love it.

shannac02
wrote on April 6 2009 @ 02:34 pm: [report]

YAY!!!! Team Amelia… and Team Jacob… and Team Jen…
But, mostly, Team Amelia!!!!

Amelia
wrote on April 6 2009 @ 02:38 pm: [report]

Thanks you guys. I really did wrestle with the decision to write about stuff this personal so it’s nice to get so much support. And I really AM going to try and make what write as relevant to the readers as possible, while also protecting the identities and privacy of everyone who I write about.

Titi
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 08:35 am: [report]

@Amelia:
Your posts are well-written, thoughtful, raw, and sometimes hilarious—keep up the good work! Your honesty is refreshing. You have every right to write about whatever the hell you damn well please—you’re a writer, and dammit, you’re a pro. Don’t let the judgmental types get to you.
Team Amelia!