Dating Amelia: My Last Bite Of Chicken Parm

Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry Filed in: relationships
9:00AM, Tuesday May 19th 2009

Comments (21)

I have been thinking for the last few weeks that this nonsense with Chicken Parm had to end. It had been over practically since it began, although I was the last to see it. He was the first person that I had truly strong feelings for after my breakup, but he was my rebound. As much as I wanted it to be more, probably for the wrong reasons, the timing was wrong for him and wrong for me. It didn’t help that he was the worst person to date, in that we didn’t actually date. That was partly my fault; never again will I cook for someone so early on. My chicken parm isn’t that good, but apparently my nurturing instincts are, and we went from hot ‘n’ heavy dating to sexless marriage in no time flat.

“Tiggers should not date Eeyores,” DeVore said. “Tiggers can date Piglets, Piglets can date Pooh Bears, Pooh Bears can date Eeyores. Piglets and Roos can date, but Pooh Bears and Tiggers cannot.”

The last few times we saw each other, we didn’t have sex. Considering we hadn’t seen much of each other, this was totally unacceptable. When we did see each other, we had fun—when we weren’t talking about the multitude of things that were making him feel “meh.” John DeVore referred to him as Eeyore.

“Tiggers should not date Eeyores,” DeVore advised. “Tiggers can date Piglets, Piglets can date Pooh Bears, Pooh Bears can date Eeyores. Piglets and Roos can date, but Pooh Bears and Tiggers cannot.”

“OH MY GOD, SO TRUE!” I exclaimed. Now where the f**k is my Piglet?

The other thing that ended it was sparking with someone else. Things with the Sneakerhead could end tomorrow – nothing surprises me these days – but the point is, I am sparking! Spark, spark, spark! With another person! Even as time distances me from my breakup, I wonder if I could meet someone to have that special bond with again. Sparks remind me that I can.

When I told Chick Parm that I thought we should just be friends, he responded, “I agree.”

You agree? That was too easy! It’s not that I expected a fight, but he had been such a limp noodle, such a wet blanket for the last few weeks, nay, months, that I thought he would be as mopey at the prospect of our oh-so-comfortable relationship changing. Wasn’t this supposed to be the moment when he had an epiphany and realized how insanely awesome I am? That I was kick ass? That he would never have a better roasted chicken with brussel sprouts in his life? But Simcha set me straight.

“Amelia,” she said. “He’s been along for the ride since the beginning. Why would you expect anything different?”

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Tags: dating, dating amelia, dating column, winnie the pooh, eeyore

Comments (21)

comments

Humble Bee
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 09:15 am: [report]

Telling someone up front like that is never easy, you don’t know how they will react, especially when our heart was wrapped around them. But we have to let go, move on and realize this is the best decision to make because we have to think of ourselves in life, and what we deserve. The hurt, or thought of rejection will go away with the thought of knowing you made the right choice. Like they say, Take it like a man. I used to feel pretty #&@$%+y when I got rejected or felt like I wasn’t appreciated, now I just brush it off and try not to expect too much from certain people. I’m glad you got rid of him, he clearly wasn’t worth your time. Spend it with someone who can make you giggle and feel giddy inside.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 09:28 am: [report]

You get swine flu from piglet, don’t date piglet.

retro chic
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 09:35 am: [report]

Have to agree with Simcha. The epilogue is generally revealed in the prologue—that’s your Parm lesson. Just cheerfully check him off as your starter guy, and move on to those that *date* and share your goals for marriage and kids. I had to take a more business-like approach to my personal life—replete with performance review periods and the emotional math of summing up whether the relationship puts my life/well-being in the “plus column.” If the answer is “No” then, you guessed it…

becktasm
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 10:25 am: [report]

Trek on Amelia! I met my boyfi on the OKC, and he’s wonderful. For every 100 weirdos on that sight, there’s one real keeper.

resullins
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 10:42 am: [report]

Where the f*** is my Piglet… I like that! Don’t worry, there are piglets out there!

Becca
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 11:01 am: [report]

What defines piglet, tigger, pooh, etc. I never really watched Winnie the Pooh, but I like dating analogies!

Kiki T
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 11:08 am: [report]

Can anybody explain the pooh characters to me? I lacked a childhood.

emflow
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 11:21 am: [report]

Crap, I think I’m a Rabbit. And according to this Pooh Bear analogy, Rabbits aren’t even part of the dating pool.

subpar
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 11:41 am: [report]

Winnie-the-Pooh was sort of dumb, but cute and loyal. Tigger has boundless energy and loves life. He’s confident and cheerful and generally has the most likeable personality. Piglet is skilled in reading and writing, brave, helpful, and overall cute. Kanga’s maternal,and Roo is playful and young. Eeyore is a total wet blanket who mopes around all the time. Generally.

Rose
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 11:43 am: [report]

You forgot Rabbit. He’s an OCD worrywart. That’s why he was out of the dating pool, maybe.

Humble Bee
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 11:45 am: [report]

What about the owl? Is that one too much? lol.
He’s a know it all though.

Naneenya
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]

Alright, I’ll do it:

The Pooh characters were based off of Christopher Robin’s stuffed animals (Christopher Robin being a young boy)

Pooh - (the “main” character in Christopher Robin’s brood) has a tender heart, is very friendly, and wants to be loved by all - Yet, he often gets stuck by his vices; mainly, in the honey pot. Pooh and Christopher Robin are “best friends” and their relationship can be described by an often quoted passage: “If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.” (All together now: “aawwwwwww”)

Piglet - one of Pooh’s friends. He is small and sometimes timid, but so badly wants to be brave. He is noble and compromising - always wants to do the right thing. There are a lot of things that scare Piglet, but he will always be there for a friend.

Roo - another “small” character - always expresses thoughts and feelings and actually seems wiser than most “older” characters. Adorable.

Tigger - Energetic and bouncy, often gets into trouble.

Owl - the wise, old friend. Always gives good advice.

Rabbit - Very Type-A, can be bossy. The organizer (but always seems to miss one step and things get all messed up - fury ensues) Also values proper nutrition for all friends.

Eeyore - the sad, depressed donkey. Always has a raincloud overhead. Often loses his tail.

Yeah, it’s a slow day at work.

subpar
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 11:48 am: [report]

@Rose haha. He was also a planner, an organizer, and the most pratical of them all. He wasn’t undateable, just a virgo most likely.

Amelia
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 11:49 am: [report]

Crap, maybe I am Rabbit!

Kiki T
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]

That was awesome @Naneenya
I think I am the love child of Pooh and Tigger.

loveitlala
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 05:16 pm: [report]

Sometimes I think the rebounding girl is the guy’s jackpot. Obviously it’s good for the girl too, but those guys that love the ride must have some sort of radar!

GreenAura
wrote on May 20 2009 @ 02:18 pm: [report]

@Kiki T So would you be considered a Poogger then?
I’m probably a Roogger

H. Blue
wrote on May 20 2009 @ 09:32 pm: [report]

@retro chic- I love it! “performance review periods” ahh.. that reminds me of a truly awesome chick who is unfortunately overseas and with whom I only have online contact. She comes up with shiz like that all the time and seems so decisive and strong..

I like reading these because it makes me feel like I’m not the only person out there who is having a freakish dating life. I used to be able to entertain my friends for hours with horror stories about what happened on my last date. And now I am just stuck on a timing is always bad guy. And totally afraid to date and meet new guys because they just freak me out too much.

Oh, and I have NO idea how any of you found good guys on OK Cupid. I got some freaks, some pervs, some pervy old men, and a guy who, when I responded to this THIRD email “no thank you,” told me he didn’t like fat chicks anyway.

retro chic
wrote on May 20 2009 @ 10:20 pm: [report]

Haha, BluenBlonde, gee, isn’t it funny how the solutions are *oh so* clear for others? I’m not as strong for myself at the moment, so my 12-year old is nudging me with emailed eHarmony links (she lives w/me) offering to write my profile just to get me out and dating again! We can all mentor each other, tho, I’m quite sure it won’t be from my nudgy daughter.

Also, as for OKCupid, I haven’t heard great things either. And I too am freaked out. That’s what makes coming here so good. Thanks, and good luck in your ventures. We can all benefit from each one’s Horror Stories, even if only to laugh.

Asta
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 12:47 pm: [report]

Holy crap! I just got out of a Chicken Parm situation… unlucky for me it is with my next door neighbor so the moving on part is trickier.

I also am single for the first time in 5 years- that means last time I was single I was in high school! Reading this was like a light bulb lighting up, I couldn’t pinpoint why I like my neighbor so much but he was the first guy I’ve liked since my ex and we definitely sparked. And likewise, I always did the planning, the sex was declining, and he got even lazier as time went on. And still I was shocked that when I brought up not seeing each other and he just agreed. Anyway, great to read this and see that other people go through this!

Also, it’s good to know there is more sparking in my future!