Dating Amelia: Is My Busted Engagement A Problem For You?
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
12:30PM, Tuesday May 5th 2009
I never thought I would be in the position of dating with a broken engagement under my belt. I hope to never have another. As I’ve started dating again, I’ve had to think about how honest I want to be about my prior relationship history. So, how honest do I want to be? Totally.
At first, I thought that I had been engaged might work in my favor. Men are inclined to assume a woman is more interested in something serious than they are, that women want more from men than they’re ready to give. After all, women are always a little further ahead on the marriage path, aren’t they? But I was engaged and dumped. I’m newly single. Therefore, I must project a “just looking to have fun and meet new people” vibe, right?
Apparently not.
Last night, I was at dinner with a male friend who told me that the fact that I had been engaged may work against me. “You were going to get married; therefore, you’re ready for marriage. But a guy you’re going out with may not be,” he told me. Because I was happy to marry a boyfriend of five years, I’m ready to find his replacement ... now? If I was a guy, I would run from me, too.
Except that’s not where I am. Sure, I’m not looking for random sex with strange men I meet at bars, but I’m enjoying being single again—having my own place, not having to check in with anyone about the evening’s plans, etc. And I’m well aware that I have some trust issues to work through and a few self-esteem hurdles to tackle. Ultimately, I would like serious monogamy again—not necessarily marriage—and definitely kids. But a woman with a maniacally ticking biological clock I am not.
A few people have advised, “Don’t tell them that you were engaged! Or at least wait until you’re getting serious!” Really? I don’t advertise that I was engaged on a blingy, “Almost a Bride!” T-shirt, but if someone asks me about my last relationship or if I believe in marriage, I’ll be honest. I know talking about exes early on is one of those dating don’ts that’s drilled into women by magazines like Cosmopolitan, but dudes are asking. So I tell them because I’m not in the habit of lying or hiding things I’m not ashamed about.
I suspect the fact that I was engaged will freak out and scare off potential “suitors” who are too immature for me anyway. Not immature because they’re not ready to get married right now, but immature because they would be uneasy about a woman who almost made a legal commitment to someone else. Probably, I shouldn’t be dating them anyway. Making out with them—well, that’s another thing entirely.
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laura
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 12:47 pm: [report]
To a certain extent I think that one reaches a point in life where most of us have had “near misses.” Having had a “very serious” relationship that didn’t work out is not a huge deal.
dianamarie810
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 01:09 pm: [report]
I completely agree. Your dating history is definitely a topic of convo on those “getting to know you” dates. Honesty is the way to go here. You don’t want to get into a relationship and then 6 months later your man finds out you were keeping this from him! Seriously… HE asked and if he doesn’t like the answer then move on - he’s not good enough for you!
sophie19
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 01:16 pm: [report]
I agree that you should be honest about relationship past. That’s not something I’d want to find out 6-months, a year into the relationship, because then I would feel like my S.O. was hiding something. But what you need to be careful of is how OFTEN the ex-subject is brought up. Once, perfectly acceptable. Twice, ok. More than that, shut up. That’s how I feel about hearing about exes.
Arty
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 01:16 pm: [report]
Weird. I’m in the same sort of situation, but the guys I’m dating are NOT asking. It doesn’t come up at all. So strange!
CuteCora
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]
Well Ameila.. I am truly sorry that this did not work out for you..obviously your Mr. perfect is still out there dating all the wrong girls before he gets to you (haha) However , A man should not be threatned by the fact that you were Engaged, and he should not just assume you are a latchy chick who wants to settle down and marry anyone! If a man can’t handle the situation then best know now b4 it’s to late. I think that if it deos not come up in convo then let it rest until it does ( still tell b4 things get to serious) ..you can always mention something along the lines of ” Yes I Was in a long-term relationship and waas about to marry this person, however things did not work that way & i am happy to know now rather then after I married him, also looking forward to being single again…” So then maybe he thinks hey, she is not readt to jump just yet and move in after the 2nd date LOL
Mainer
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 02:06 pm: [report]
I agree with the “being honest” philosophy. Men are simple creatures - we don’t like drama, deception, or subtle hints. If the guy is cool about it you’ll be able to tell. He may ask some follow up questions to gauge what type of competition he is going against, but if he’s really okay with it then he’ll rub it off as if you told him that this one time, in college, you made out with a girl. Sure he’ll be intrigued at first, perhaps a little intimidated. But he won’t think you’ll leave him for another chick, just as he has no reason to think you’re going to pop the question in 8 months or a year or expect him to move in next week.
On the other hand, as Sophie mentioned, if he keeps bringing it up time after time, then give him the old boot; it obviously bugs him and you’ll just be spinning your tires trying to convince him otherwise. Anyway, little input from a guys perspective.
Jessica
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 02:27 pm: [report]
I’ve been attracted to two different guys (both in their 30s) if had canceled engagements under their belt. It wasn’t a deal breaker for me at all. I’m guessing there’s a double standard against women in this situation. If it is for any men you’re dating, they’re losers.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]
No, there’s not a double standard against women who have been engaged. It’s about how recently your engagement ended and the amount of baggage you’re likely carrying as a result. It’s not about them being scared that you’re looking for a replacement, or about them being too immature to handle you, it’s that they know that anyone who is 6 months out of a broken engagement/serious relationship is probably still dealing with some stuff, and baggage isn’t really an aphrodisiac. Most people who start dating after ending a serious relationship — whether engaged or not — run into this issue. Trust me, when it stops being a big deal for you, it will stop being a big deal to others. It takes time to heal a broken heart. And when yours is healed, you’ll find dating to be a lot easier.
teets
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 03:06 pm: [report]
My first reaction was that guys running because of a broken engagement was like the first year of medical school… the weak ones are getting weeded out. But I have to say that Wendy Atterberry’s comment struck a chord. Amelia, you are such a wonderful, amazing person that I’m not surprised in the least that you’ve had all these dudes (chicken parm, doodler, plaid glasses, et al) lined up. I think that the circumstances around your broken engagement made it so that “getting back out there” WAS a good idea—the whole getting back in the saddle thing. But I do think the idea of finding “love” or actually enjoying dating might be a different thing entirely. I am wondering now if maybe it is just that *you* need time… more than these boys. Because 5 years is a long time, being engaged in a big deal and having your heartbroken somehow seems to be an even bigger deal. Give it time… and of course you shouldn’t hide your past! It’s who you are and when you do meet the right one(s), it won’t matter.
Amelia
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 03:21 pm: [report]
@Wendy Atterberry This is the thing though—don’t we all have baggage? I totally get it if my current baggage is lacking in appeal—hell, I don’t find it appealing. But I mainly am talking about the dudes who are like, “You were engaged? See ya!” Not in so many words, but you know…
@teets I do probably need time. Unfortunately, homegirl wants to have fun too. Le sigh.
retro chic
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 03:45 pm: [report]
Wow, teets, Suri Cruise’s hologram commandeered your avatar (tricky Scientologists).
Echo Wendy’s “when it stops being a big deal for you, it will stop being a big deal to others.” News of priors might still have some residue that others sense right now and you’re not quite ready to let go of yet.
But, I live slightly vicariously thru your dating odyssey, as I’ve recently ended a 5 yr also (tho wasn’t engaged) and am so proud of you just having the nerve to just be out there, with your humor and perspective, however wounded. Just a little time and confidence… and no matter what, always be yourself, and hold back nothing when you’re ready.
A lot of what you write about surrounds the disorientation of reentry. When that dust settles, focus only on what you want, no matter the screwy dating scene.
retro chic
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 04:40 pm: [report]
Amelia, post N° 2, re: the Baggage Management Crisis.
It helps to depersonalize the word baggage with a corny little travel analogy. Pack lightly, only with what is needed for that trip, leaving the rest at home. Baggage need only coordinate—not match or clash—with a partner’s baggage. We carry it only to serve us (not vice versa). If you can get beyond the cornpone triteness of that, consider it—a more reduced and objectified view, so it won’t hang around your neck with a neon sign on it (in your mind).
Any mature man that you’d want to be with, would twinkle upon hearing that you were in a thriving relationship that ended only because someone changed their mind about a key marital dealbreaker on both your parts, smartly finding that out in advance, not via certain divorce. Worry less about dudes’ reactions, and focus more on what people/experiences put your enjoyment of life in the plus column.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 05:57 pm: [report]
Sure, we all have baggage, but the closer you are to a breakup, the heavier it is… This is something we all go through — or, at least any of us who have loved and lost. The good news is the weight you lose in baggage as you heal, you gain is wisdom and strength.
retro chic
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 06:21 pm: [report]
Wendy, well said. Even so, we tend to haul way more than is nec. It takes practice to mentally trim away what is the truth of who you are now vs what was—not letting it define you, but inform you, so you can truly move forward unfettered with the lightness of new real men/experiences.
Naneenya
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 08:13 pm: [report]
I know I’ve said this on here more times than necessary, but Amelia and I are in the same boat. I’m also a recovering “Almost Bride” that now just wants to date and have some fun. I also feel the need to tell the truth when it comes to “so tell me about your last relationship”. I’ve come to terms with my relationship past, so those that I deem worthy to occupy my time should have to come to terms with it too.
While it has turned some people away, others have felt the need to “council” me - like they felt that I told them so I could get some advice or sympathy. No way.
Also, it seems odd that some men think that because you were engaged (lets say less than a year ago) that you’re automatically seeking a husband - a “place filler” for the relationship you had before. When, I feel the opposite. The LAST thing I want right now is to think about getting married!!! Yes, I have a wedding dress, I have a veil, garters, wedding night lingerie, I’ve got it all - but it’s tucked neatly away with the rest of my “last summer”. I don’t let it hinder who I am now, and, if it makes itself grossly present in a relationship I’m “trying on”, that person isn’t one I want to spend time with.
dream316
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 02:35 am: [report]
I think you raise an important question. If he can’t deal with your baggage, however insignificant it is to who you are and what you want right now, do you really want him?? Yes, what happened to you was traumatic, but it seems like you’re committed to getting back out there and making it work with new people. I am all for being completely honest, and it is hard to evade when you are asked point blank, but I think there is something to be said for letting someone get to know who you really are before you have to lay all the baggage out there.
aminata
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 09:50 am: [report]
Amelia, don’t tell them until, like, the 20th date! Before that, that serious part of your past is none of their business.
If a guy ask you if you believe in marriage say yes and leave it at that. If they ask you about your last relationship specifically, then tell them. But I bet you $5 they won’t ask unless you bring it up first.
Guys like a little mystery. You can only give them tidbits of the past slowly over time. It’s how to keep their interest. Think Eliot luring E.T in with Reece’s pieces. Yes, E.T had to pick up the pieces one by one over a long path through the woods and into the suburbs, but once he got there, E.T and Eliot made a pretty tight bond!
delovely
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 12:02 pm: [report]
As someone who was engaged at a young age (18) and then had said engagement desolve, I wait until I’m in a committed relationship to divulge the information. Most guys won’t ask you about the seriousness of your previous relationships. (If they do, I’d be a bit wary. That sort of digging isn’t normal for men in general.) So I would refer to your ex-fiance as an ex-boyfriend. When you feel it’s time to come clean, explain why you weren’t upfront with the information (for the sake of perhaps scaring him off) and why you are grateful the engagement didn’t work out (in my case, I say “I was young and didn’t know any better. I’m very thankful I avoided such a serious mistake”).
weddingcasting
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 12:31 pm: [report]
Hey Girls,
Losing a guy is rough. Especially when you’re already engaged. We are a NY production company casting a show for TLC about ‘weddings that weren’t’ and want to hear your stories!
So for those of you girls have suffered through a broken heart and a broken engagement—but made it out stronger and hotter than ever—please email us at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
Thanks!
Jamie Lee
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 12:35 pm: [report]
LOL @ ‘Almost a bride’
maybe i should get a ‘former bride’ blingy tshirt…or just the classic ‘ex wife’
oh the possiblities…
Tamara
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 05:10 pm: [report]
I found that it only put off those who were afraid to get into something serious. I’m not looking for another relationship, but the making out part sounds nice, then again that means I have to find someone I’d be interested in smooching.
LuckyChica
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]
I am in the same situation as the author. I had a broken engagement and it took me about a year before I was ready to go out and date without bringing that baggage out with me. Because I waited an appropriate time FOR ME, I was ready to brave the inevitable questions about “my last relationship.” (It does come up quite often). If it was a first date, I merely said that my last relationship ended X time ago and we had been together for X years. I didn’t go into all the gory details. Not necessary. However, if it looks like you might have something special developing, I would mention it sooner rather than later. It’s an important part of your relationship history and he deserves to know. You also deserve to not have it remain some deep, dark secret. Remember, if you do have a future together - and you’ve never divulged this little piece of history - you will forever be reminding your friends and family not to bring up your engagement. This is bound to go horribly awry. Don’t start things off with a potentially good guy by lying. If he can’t handle the truth, he simply isn’t the right one.